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SS14 is returning home and I am sinking into a deep depression

MaGoose2010's picture

This entire Christmas holiday has been awful with SS14 not being able to make a decision where he wants to live and then sticking to the decision. It was 'on again, off again' the entire 5 weeks with FH ranging between elation and depression. I became so sick of it! The reality is that I would prefer SS14 to stay with the BM as I have a horrid life with him and have to take depression meds just to cope. But as my bad luck would have it, SS14 is now coming back to us only because the BM cannot get him into a school there (he needs to be in a special school as he has a learning disability). Needless to say SS14 is not happy that he has to come back to us (no motorbikes, no back-chatting his mom, no chores etc etc only fun fun fun).

Even though FH has promised to be more involved with the parenting of HIS child, I am still feeling very down about this situation. FH has said that I must draw up the chore charts and he will see that the kids stick to it. Chore charts have NEVER worked in the past and by the end of last year both SS14 & DD11 were only doing 2 chores (feeding the animals: 2 dogs & 3 budgies and tidying their rooms). I have a helper who does the really heavy chores around the house. I do the rest.

I have started a new part-time job this year and will continue to run my music school in the afternoons. The problem is Wednesdays when SS14 does not have school and every 2nd Saturday when FH has to work. I cannot stand to be around SS14 and last year I had to babysit him on these days (FH doesn't want him left alone at home because he has tried to burn down our home in the past) and he will lie around the house watching TV and not doing his assigned schoolwork. I have told FH that I will not be available on MY Wednesday mornings off to babysit and that he must find another solution to this problem (last year he started taking SS14 to work on Saturdays with him to help him in the music store, so that will continue this year). I plan to start gym or take a course on my mornings off. And on Saturdays my DD11 & I will do some fun girl stuff together. Am I being unfair?

Maybe it's wrong, but the hair stands up on the back of my neck when he comes into our room in the morning to chat to his dad and I just get moody and want him out! But I look out of the window and fume. DD11 also comes in to have her hair tied up and give me a hug and I love that. But SS14 gives me the creeps! I know this is grossly unfair of me. I really do feel bad about it, but that's how it is. I think it's because SS14 is passive agressive with me. If he is upset with me because I called him out on something, he will do something destructive like cut up my favourite t-shirt. Or he will steal my daughters headphones and claim them as his own (the dogs ate up his..why? because he left them outside!)

I just don't think that I am strong enough for this sh*t. That is why I have to ensure that I spend the least amount of time around this kid. FH doesn't understand of course. He agrees that SS14 & I have a personality clash (as he calls it - it's a lot more than that!) and he says he understands because he disliked his father and their personalities clashed. But me getting out of the house to do things for myself tells him (in his twisted mind) that I will find someone else and leave him. He is so insecure.

Last night I told him that I don't think that we should get married until the kids are out of the house. (But SS14 will NEVER be able to stand on his own 2 feet!) FH thought is was a joke. But that's how I feel.

Sorry...just needed to get my feelings out.

ddakan's picture

I don't think you are being mean about the kid. You can get that kid a babysitter if he is mentally unstable or have DH take him on that day. You will get more unhealthy if you take care of him on that day off. You need it for your sanity.

My room is always off limits to skids. Especially at 14. It is the only place I can go in my house to get away from them, and if they come in there, I get really freaky!!!!!!!!!

MaGoose2010's picture

ddakan, what about your bios. I feel bad about not letting my DD11 have access to me. But on the other hand you have to be fair on everyone i.e. what applies to one applies to the other. It's so hard being in a blended family.

I will just have to go to her in the mornings to help her with her hair etc. And then lay the law down about no kids in our room. FH won't like it very much...he loves cuddling the kids after he's in bed. (needless to say i HATE it!!!)

Yes my room is my sanctuary too

ddakan's picture

no, there is a double standard here. my bios can come in when my dh is not here or in my room. if dh comes in, they will jet.

your kids have the same father so that makes it harder for you. we each have 3 and we have 1 together.

we can't keep the girls out because we have this magnifying mirror and they are all addicted to it LOL.

you can't rob dd from being in your room, she wants to be around you and it is natural because you are both her parent, but ss is not your son. its just true, not fair, but true.

i would keep the kid out. im sure he knows his presence in your room is irritating. there are schools and community setups that autistic kids can go after they turn 18. they encourage independent living and gives the people activities to do to lead a useful life.

MaGoose2010's picture

Hi Old Dart. My SS14 has ADD, not Autism ...don't think it's the same? He has problems concentrating and is hugely impulsive and destructive.

His BM lives in a one-roomed apartment, so he sleeps on her bedroom floor when he is that plan won't work.

After hearing the stories that the BM has told of his behaviour while being there, I definitely do not have any sympathy with his condition. He verbally disrespected her, spoke to her like crap, was ungrateful for the clothes she bought him because they were not branded (we buy from a cheap clothes store here, so don't know where this attitude comes from), he refused to bath and told her she couldn't make him - here if he doesn't bath, I let FH deal with him when he gets home & he fears that. He just created absolute hell there, which he does in a more passive aggressive form here.

MaGoose2010's picture

My DD11 is not FH's daughter, sorry I must have miscommunicated that. If I say that DD11 can come in but SS14 cannot, FH will say "gee you don't like my kid!! why do you have different rules for the kids?" and inside I am saying "damn right!!!!!he stinks and I don't like him he gives me the creeps!!" but I have to bite my tongue and give in. When he comes into our room he doesnt say good morning to me, and he talks to his dad about stupid stuff that he has already been given instructions too or had explained about. I am a big advocate for fairness between the skid & my kid. If I buy DD15 a certain make & model of cell for her birthday, then SS14 gets exactly the same item for his birthday (he copies her with everything) but that bit me in the a** this last year, as when he had his earphones destroyed, he stole DD's and claimed it was his..but I had the evidence (chewed up earphones) so he lost on that one...hehehe

It's very hard. And my DD11 is closer to FH than to her own father and they are always hugging each other. He always tells me how he loves her like his own. He can't understand why I can't love his brat.

I need to give this some more's a tough one

MaGoose2010's picture

Old Dart, SS14 took drum lessons last year but did not apply himself, unfortunately. He doesnt have his own kit yet, but does have access to the drums at the school.

FH is a renowned musician and teacher who started on the organ in the 70's and now specialises in Digital Pianos. He also had ADD as a child, but his music and his soccer helped him to overcome this and by the age of 16 he was able to return to mainline schooling and obtained his school leavers certificate. He then joined Merc and studied his CIMA. He is a trained Accountant/Systems analysist. He is also a Yamaha demonstrator. A very talented man. This all without the help of drugs. He has high expectations for his son but we are battling with him academically as he cannot read and comprehend yet. Other than that he is doing well in maths and his other subjects. He is in a remedial home-school with 4 other kids, but we have constant complaints of his disruption of the class. He gets on very well with his fellow pupils and his teacher.

MaGoose2010's picture

Last year FH decided to start a small keyboard repairing business at home. The idea was to involve SS14 in it in a big way because he is ALWAYS stripping everything. He is very technical and mechanically minded. There have been some instances where he has fixed an appliance (like a fan) and it worked for about a couple of weeks longer, then died. So back to the keyboard repairs...SS14 did a wonderful job of stripping them (half in the workshop & half in his bedroom) and broke some of the parts (without telling his dad) and then promptly leaving for the holidays with everything lying around and FH couldnt put them back together again! He did also fix some with the help of his dad, but problem is he lacks stickability and discipline. FH has given it up as a bad idea. The idea was to put all the repair money towards an electronic drum kit for SS14.

Guess we will wait an see what plans FH has for him this year...

MaGoose2010's picture

Hi Demi
I totally understand what you are saying, but living in this situation is extremely frustrating for me. My kids DS20 & DD11 are so different from FH's kids. Both above average achievers at school. Well adjusted despite the two divorces that they were exposed to. (I hope that I have been their saving grace, as despite my depression and a whole list of physical ailments, am a pretty strong woman (in the emotional endurance side of life)) But besides all that, I have always been there 100% for my kids and gave love, support and plenty of my time. This is so lacking with the skids' upbringing. It just get's me that I am the one who is having to deal with all the bad parenting problems now. I feel that I am just so tired of it.

FH has promised me to be more available to me and the kids this year and I will hold him to it. I have threatened WW3 in this house if things continue the way they did last year. SS14 will also be going into therapy (which I have offered to pay for - to ensure it happens).

I have started a part-time job at FH's music shop, 3 mornings a week (Mon, Tues & Thurs) to bring in extra cash. I will be starting a medical aid for us all with this money and also have (hopefully) a bit of pocket money for me and my time. I desperately want to go to a gym, but one for larger ladies where I won't feel so self-conscious. Otherwise failing that, I have seen a Hospice course advertised in the paper...I may look into that. I will still run the music school in the afternoons.

FH is going to take SS14 to work with him on Wed's and EO Saturday, to help him clean up the shop and do odd chores & errands. FH is now full manager and part-shareholder there, so he can make this decision. Wonder how long he will cope with SS14 around him? But 'Not my kid, not my problem!'

I am just feeling so down now that SS14 is due to come back now. I was quite excited when he was going to stay with BM, I must admit! But FH was heart-broken and sobbed a couple of nights in my arms...made me feel like a traitor & a horrid person! I love him, but his son is just going to be my downfall! My therapist has put me on additional meds to help me cope, because despite the Wellbutrin, I am still so sad all the time. I usually don't cry easily, but in these past months, I cry at the drop of a hat. Ally McBeal on TopTv (old re-runs) makes me sob and sob and sob! Silly, hey!

Anyhow, thanks for the advice and for understanding.

Hugs to you too

MaGoose2010's picture

Demi...thank you for all those very wise words. You have given me so much to go and think about. I have to get 'myself' back and start doing things for myself. I am quick to bandy around the saying 'if momma's not happy, then no-one is happy' especially when FH wants to know why I am always so peed off with everyone and everything and the sh*t gets me down.

I am looking into going to a gym on Wednesday mornings when I am free (to start off with) and there is a Health and Wellness centre here in Howick that I could go to. I have always been very self-concious about myself which stems from my first marriage where I was mentally abused and told that I was ugly and fat (which wasnt true) but I believed it. To this day I battle with intimacy issues because I cannot allow myself to be naked in front of my partner.

I am also in a new part-time job, so I plan to take some of my earnings for myself as an allowance & in that way I don't always have to feel guilty about asking FH for money. I can then save for the things I want and need and pay for my gym etc.

As far as SS14 goes, I will have to take it one day at a time because the kid makes my skin crawl and I feel bad that I feel this way. But I think the answer to that is to spend as little time around him as possible. It's the forced baby-sitting that gets to me and FH will have to step up and unload this burden from me. And he is willing but not happy. (tough!!)

Yip I am a hard person on the outside but there is a lady inside who could sit down and sob and sob given half the chance. I need to watch more sad movies and really let it all out (when no-one is around).

Thanks, Demi. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, will you?

ch21's picture

if he only has add i would talk to dh about holding him accountable for his actions. add is an attention problem not a "i have to be bad problem". a person with add can still be successful. there are medicines to help with that. my bf has a son that has autism and he is only 3 so many medical professional dont think that he should be medicine yet. i dont know why ppl are comparing add to autism its crazy. autism varies from type to type and the severity of the illness. the type that bd son has is severe. he is 3 and is not saying more than 5 or 6 words, just started walkin, is not potty trained, only eats a small variety of foods, and has violent tendances, can play with one thing forever, likes shiny objects, and a slight change can make him have a huge tantrum. in your situation the child probably did not get all the help that he needed . same in mine because bd and bm are in denial that its that bad but anyway... if he has to go and live with u then i would see that he is on medicine if thats what it takes and i would hold him accountable and not baby or sugar coat behavior with the fact that he has add and have dh do the same and if all else fails he maybe needs to go to some kind of program that helps him into becoming a young man. i am not against these programs and they are designed to make a man out of these boys who have been babied to long. i would rather him become a man that stay and become who knows what.

and i also want to say something about rules being the same for skids and bkids. i may allow my daughter in the bathroom with me but i wont allow his kids because i would not want them saying mom,...../also other rules will not always n be the same because bkids are there always. for example. i may let my daughter bring toys in the front room when she is alone but i will not allow all 3 to because thats too much of a mess.make sense to those saying that rules have to stay the same? i may allow my daughter to drink out of my cup but i wont let his. i mean some things will not be the same.

MaGoose2010's picture

ch21. Thanks for clearing up the ADD vs Autism for me because I became very confused about it. The ADD problem is always used as an excuse with SS14 and he is then not held accountable for his actions. This is so wrong! I have introduced consequences with him and have had to train FH on how it works because in life there are ALWAYS consequences to your actions. It should be like that in a home situation as destroy (cut up) MaGoose's t-shirt, you WILL do chores to earn money (allowance) to buy her a new t-shirt...END OF STORY. FH is not happy with this arrangement because poor poor goldenboy will be so de-motivated and will crawl into his little shell! Boo hoo!

About the meds, FH refuses to give SS14 his meds that he is SUPPOSED to have and believes that he doesnt need them. WELL FH LET'S TALK IN A FEW MONTHS WHEN YOU HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH SS14'S SH*T ON YOUR OWN! But seriously, the teacher was complaining almost every day last year that SS14 is disrupting her classes and why is he not on his meds? Umm ask FH please...

I suppose I guilt-parent my DD11 a bit, as she has had a rough life with the sexual abuse, divorce and re-location from her family. So I try to spend quality time with her, but then SS14 feels left out and acts up. That is why I have insisted that FH spend quality time with him this year. DD11 & I only have Saturday mornings to spend alone together, so I am going to become loathed to give it up.