SS14 is returning home and I am sinking into a deep depression
This entire Christmas holiday has been awful with SS14 not being able to make a decision where he wants to live and then sticking to the decision. It was 'on again, off again' the entire 5 weeks with FH ranging between elation and depression. I became so sick of it! The reality is that I would prefer SS14 to stay with the BM as I have a horrid life with him and have to take depression meds just to cope. But as my bad luck would have it, SS14 is now coming back to us only because the BM cannot get him into a school there (he needs to be in a special school as he has a learning disability). Needless to say SS14 is not happy that he has to come back to us (no motorbikes, no back-chatting his mom, no chores etc etc only fun fun fun).
Even though FH has promised to be more involved with the parenting of HIS child, I am still feeling very down about this situation. FH has said that I must draw up the chore charts and he will see that the kids stick to it. Chore charts have NEVER worked in the past and by the end of last year both SS14 & DD11 were only doing 2 chores (feeding the animals: 2 dogs & 3 budgies and tidying their rooms). I have a helper who does the really heavy chores around the house. I do the rest.
I have started a new part-time job this year and will continue to run my music school in the afternoons. The problem is Wednesdays when SS14 does not have school and every 2nd Saturday when FH has to work. I cannot stand to be around SS14 and last year I had to babysit him on these days (FH doesn't want him left alone at home because he has tried to burn down our home in the past) and he will lie around the house watching TV and not doing his assigned schoolwork. I have told FH that I will not be available on MY Wednesday mornings off to babysit and that he must find another solution to this problem (last year he started taking SS14 to work on Saturdays with him to help him in the music store, so that will continue this year). I plan to start gym or take a course on my mornings off. And on Saturdays my DD11 & I will do some fun girl stuff together. Am I being unfair?
Maybe it's wrong, but the hair stands up on the back of my neck when he comes into our room in the morning to chat to his dad and I just get moody and want him out! But I look out of the window and fume. DD11 also comes in to have her hair tied up and give me a hug and I love that. But SS14 gives me the creeps! I know this is grossly unfair of me. I really do feel bad about it, but that's how it is. I think it's because SS14 is passive agressive with me. If he is upset with me because I called him out on something, he will do something destructive like cut up my favourite t-shirt. Or he will steal my daughters headphones and claim them as his own (the dogs ate up his..why? because he left them outside!)
I just don't think that I am strong enough for this sh*t. That is why I have to ensure that I spend the least amount of time around this kid. FH doesn't understand of course. He agrees that SS14 & I have a personality clash (as he calls it - it's a lot more than that!) and he says he understands because he disliked his father and their personalities clashed. But me getting out of the house to do things for myself tells him (in his twisted mind) that I will find someone else and leave him. He is so insecure.
Last night I told him that I don't think that we should get married until the kids are out of the house. (But SS14 will NEVER be able to stand on his own 2 feet!) FH thought is was a joke. But that's how I feel.
Sorry...just needed to get my feelings out.