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Letter I will never send

PolyMom's picture

BM had the freaking audacity to email me today. Poor baby can't seem to get along with my XH either. XH was in charge of working with her to get the kids together, and she didn't like it when he stuck up for me when she blasted a whole bunch of non-truths about me his way. No one understands her. So her suggestion to me, (between passive aggressively blaming ME for her poor child's pain) was to come to my house and take the kids to the park with our dog, and she'll watch them. I was so enraged, after I finished working, I explained to my kids I was very angry, and needed to get it out in a letter I'll never send.

Please leave comments. I can't ever send this, because I do actually fear for our safety if she is enraged enough, so I gotta get some sort of feedback.


I warned you if you ever contacted me again I wouldn’t hold back.

You must be out of your ever living mind if you think I would ever in a million years agree to entrust you over my children. Here is a fact: You have done nothing over the past eight years except make it abundantly clear to everyone that you want me to have nothing to do with your children.

Between your snide comments, harassment, and abusive approach to dragging your own children into the middle of your psychopathic insecurities about being a mother and projecting them all over anyone who would listen, I’d say it’s pretty clear. Congratulations, you win!

People don’t want you in their lives. They either move away or they die to get away from you. To the point where I have to make the excruciatingly difficult decision to remove SS11 from my life, feeling the loss of another child, simply due to the fact that he does not belong to me and his mother is completely psychotic. The only reason this has not been made abundantly clear is to spare SS11’s feelings, so if you show this to him, clearly you don’t care about how it will make him feel to know how someone else sees his mother.

As far as the kids are concerned, I did my part by pushing that off on XH so this communication would never have to happen, but I guess you shit all over that too. Is there ANYONE you can get along with, act mature with, and text above a 12-year old level with? Poor SS11.

But this was never about him. This was always about you. “If you love your children you have to love me!” I have you screaming that at DH. I have lots of recordings. And videos. And emails. And texts. Would you like me to share them with the world? I will hang onto it so long as you leave us alone. If not, I will be happy to use it to obtain an order of protection against you and yours. Every facet. Every nasty comment. Every fake victimizing charade you put on us. DH couldn’t take it anymore. SS14 couldn’t take it anymore. Is it any coincidence all this shit began when he started 3rd grade, when you dragged them into the middle of a fucking court case over where they should fucking go to school?? “Oh, daddy steals my money, daddy lies, daddy abuses you by making you talk to a therapist, daddy is trying to put me in jail!”

I’m so fucking tired of you and your tired ass bullshit “Poor victim named BM” You are not the victim here. SS11 is a victim. I am a victim. SS14 was a victim. DD12 and DS9 are victims. DH was a victim. All victims of you and your nonsense. You don’t get to claim victim when you exploit your own child’s death and buy yourself a new car due to all of the money you got out of it. Sorry. You aren’t going to get a shred of pity from me. After all, you don’t want me “micromanaging your kids,” right? “Nothing bad will happen so long as YOU are around,” right?

Fuck you.

Stay the hell away from me and my kids. You are toxic. You are poison.

I love SS11. I love SS14. I love DH. Exclusive of you. And I do feel bad that SS11 was destined to live with a piece of shit like you. He deserves better from this life. We all did.

Indigo's picture

A letter that needs to be written and likely not ever sent as you intended.

DH and SS14 were blessed to have you in their lives. I'm sorry that they moved on before you. Angry or not, right or wrong --- when they were with you, they filled a significant space in your life. It must feel lonely. Just as you were moving out and moving on, two important characters in your life story were gone.

Wish that I had a magic wand ...

EDIT: Wish that the Karma Bus would come along and slap BM upside the head

Indigo's picture

Okay, the evil twin within me wishes that you write something similar and leave it with your lawyer, a close friend or in your safety deposit box -- "In The Event Of .." Bludgeon the BM. Of course, after a few minutes consideration and a refill of the wine glass, I realize that your BM will never-ever-ever understand or acknowledge her part in this tragedy. Lack of self-awareness and accountability. So, any letter would be better spent as fire-starter or the opening of a novel.

Honestly, Poly, your life has taken some odd turns. Lance that boil and vent as much as you need.

PolyMom's picture

Unfortunately, the reality is she would never read this all the way through. It distorts the reflection she's created for herself. But it would be freaking amazing if she was forced to see it all.

Acratopotes's picture

Poly - block BM from contacting you on every number and email and social media,

You owe this woman nothing, never read anything she sends, keep records of it all and get a RO against her.

Get this bitch out of your life and start a new life with your kids, you need healing time Hon, take it....
it's sad situation but you do not need this woman in your life, it's sad about SS11, but to be honest... she's his only bio parent, you have no say in it anymore.... DH is gone, OSS is gone... it's sad, grieve for them and ignore BM

Stand strong Poly and know we are here to support you..... I would've wrote BM a letter back saying, please leave us alone, we are not family and I want nothing to do with you, you are on your own...

PolyMom's picture

I totally know. Thank you so much. That is the long plan. This certainly is a journey, and there's a whole mess of stuff I need to process on top of DH and SS's deaths, losing other SS. But that was DH's decision when he took his own life. BM's catalytic role in the whole thing. There was never any way the kids could continue a functional relationship while they're still children. There's just way too much animosity.

All BM cares about is not looking bad, and the irony there is DH and SS's deaths clearly make her look very bad. She tries to spin it, but anyone who's been around us knows the truth.

And the truth doesn't really matter. Because as you said, all the matters now is me and mine, and our happiness and moving past all this.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. After sleeping on it, I revised it to a letter I might send. I wouldn't want her liberally taking my silence as compliance to her suggestion.

Given the example of your behavior over the past eight years, I am not comfortable leaving you with my children or my dog. I am unable to work with you directly as I have an almost allergic reaction to any communication or interaction with you. If you continue to come anywhere within the vicinity of me or my children I will have to obtain an order of protection to prevent such reactions. I asked XH to handle getting the kids together and working with you. You will have to figure it out with him.

And if she responds in any way to this, I will tell her to leave me alone, and block her.

Monchichi's picture

I am in receipt of your email and am unable to facilitate your request now or in the future. For your edification, this means that I will not now nor at any time in the future agree to your having my children in your care.


PolyMom's picture

We live in a town where we are well known. The school is well aware, and SS11 is only there until the end of this year. My children are aware of stranger danger, and especially BM danger. They know to seek help if she ever approaches them, and the school and neighbors are aware there have been problems between our families, so nothing would ever happen.

PolyMom's picture

LOL...after running it by a friend, we chiseled down again. That invites her to respond by accusing me of lying. I don't have to be nice. I have to be clear:

"XH is in charge of getting the kids together. Do not contact me again."

But I'm going to sit on that one another day too. It will be perfectly anticlimactic for her, after sending me her whiny piece of bullshit email to wait days for a two sentence curt response.

PolyMom's picture

"XH is in charge of getting the kids together. Do not contact me again. You. Crazy. Fuck."

secret's picture


Just... don't respond. Block her number. Block her on social media. Block her on everything. She knows she's to facilitate whatever contact with the kids through your ex... so let it happen that way. If he chooses to also not respond to her crazy...maybe she'll eventually realize the common denominator in everyone ditching her is, well, her.

The expression is generally used when dating.... when you cease any and all communication with someone, you've ghosted them.

PolyMom's picture

So my ex prefers to not put up with her garbage at all by insinuating she even try with him again. So now I'm thinking:

"Whatever mess you've made of the situation is your responsibility, not mine. Do not contact me."

PolyMom's picture

So I spoke with another parent who knows about our situation a bit, and also knows how the police will work regarding protection orders, so I finally sent this. I decided I was done sitting on it, because it was turning into dwelling....

"You made it clear you want us to have no contact with you or SS11. I am now making it clear I want no contact with you. You are to have no contact with my children or my dog. Do not contact me in a harassing manner again or I will pursue an order of protection against you."

While her email was not in itself harassing, the past 8 years, and death of my husband say otherwise. I would assume any contact from the person I hold accountable for the deaths of my family members would be considered harassing. I courtesy copied my XH and also my lawyer. Not that I expect to involve my lawyer, but BM knows who he is, and will drive the message that I am dead serious about this home. I also didn't want to give her any reason to assume I wanted any sort of response from her.

If she responds with anything. All I need to say is, "I understand I won't get to see SS11, and it kills me. But since I hold you responsible for the deaths DH and SS14, it's not appropriate that we continue this any further."

PolyMom's picture

Thanks Smile

PolyMom's picture


XH had the kids out for dinner last night, and BM was there with SS. SS asked her if he could say hi to them, and she said no, and he started crying and she looked pissed. DS didn't realize any of this happened until later, but DD and XH watched it all unfold. When XH told DS what happened he said he hates BM.

I'm going to play these songs. Cuz there's not much else to do about it.

Acratopotes's picture

"Cuz there's not much else to do about it."

Oh yes there is... change your ring tone to either song and link BM's name to it Wink

I sort of feel sorry for SS, but then again... he simply could've said excuse me mum and walk over and greet or wave all over the place a quick hello... but then again with that beast as a mother...

what about you call MIL and tell her what happened, she can then tell BM she's a bitch lol

PolyMom's picture

I'm also not sure how much of it is an over dramatized set up. They don't live in our town, they have the same fast food chain right by their house, along with the same stores in close proximity. There was no reason for them to be there. And it's not like it had to be this big dramatic thing, but that's what they're good at making: drama.

My XH and I don't play drama into our kids, so they'll be fine. BM just has no freaking clue how to handle this, except to point fingers at us, and encourage SS to continue feeling sorry for himself. My son was upset last night, and I sang him "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin (not the Lily Allen version) and I told him I'm not happy about how it's ended up, but it is how it has to be, because toxic people in your life can make you very mentally ill. And I feel bad for SS, but I have no legal right to say anything about what "should" happen with regard to him, so I just don't go there. It's maddening.

Acratopotes's picture

Poly, your kids have a great mum and a great Dad... they will be fine.......

keep your chin up and live Hon,

eff toxic people and listen to music lol...