Having trouble grieving
Mostly I miss DH. I was doing okay, getting busy with a daily routine. I've been in the market for a job, and have been applying since late April, and have not received one phone call. I started to get worried, and all I could think was how I wanted to call DH to talk about it, and I can't. I started to cry. Now I can't get out of this funk. I went and designed his headstone yesterday. That helped me feel a little better. I asked my neighbor to come with me, and we'd find SS14's plot, because we weren't welcome to his funeral, I never got to say goodbye. Neither did my kids. While my neighbor looked for his plot (it wasn't where we were originally told) I sat and chatted with DH at his for a while. I cried and cried. When my neighbor found SS's plot, I met her there, and she was crying over my stepson. But I couldn't. I don't know why.
I saw my mother in law for mother's day. I knew it would be rough on her. She got all choked up about DH. But when she talked about SS14, same as me. I think we saw it coming a mile away. We lived with him, and it was difficult. We knew his mother would never be able to handle him. He needed 24 hour care. I feel guilty that I'm not having a good cry over him. I'm devastated over DH. When I think of SS14 I feel ashamed I don't feel more.