Having trouble grieving
Mostly I miss DH. I was doing okay, getting busy with a daily routine. I've been in the market for a job, and have been applying since late April, and have not received one phone call. I started to get worried, and all I could think was how I wanted to call DH to talk about it, and I can't. I started to cry. Now I can't get out of this funk. I went and designed his headstone yesterday. That helped me feel a little better. I asked my neighbor to come with me, and we'd find SS14's plot, because we weren't welcome to his funeral, I never got to say goodbye. Neither did my kids. While my neighbor looked for his plot (it wasn't where we were originally told) I sat and chatted with DH at his for a while. I cried and cried. When my neighbor found SS's plot, I met her there, and she was crying over my stepson. But I couldn't. I don't know why.
I saw my mother in law for mother's day. I knew it would be rough on her. She got all choked up about DH. But when she talked about SS14, same as me. I think we saw it coming a mile away. We lived with him, and it was difficult. We knew his mother would never be able to handle him. He needed 24 hour care. I feel guilty that I'm not having a good cry over him. I'm devastated over DH. When I think of SS14 I feel ashamed I don't feel more.
Grief comes in whatever form
Grief comes in whatever form it chooses. Mine was a long and and painful one that almost cost me my life. For others it's short and the sun returns. Each passing in your life will impact you differently and you are already handling so much with the loss of your husband. Try not to be so hard on yourself (hugs)
Don't worry about the
Don't worry about the interviews--DH started applying for jobs in late March and they JUST started scheduling interviews. Also, if you haven't already, I'd apply for jobs in CUNY/SUNY system (I'm also in NY and that's DH's employment system.) GREAT benefits, decent pay. Full health, full dental, matches your 401k contribution. 60 days of personal, sick, and vacation days, 30 hour work weeks (if you're support faculty.) Also, not that difficult to get.
About grieving--sometimes it can take a long, long, long time. Especially someone who you've seen battle something for a long time. I LOVED my grandmother and my grandfather--she raised me and my sister while my parents worked themselves to the bone. I took care of her in the hospital, changing her, washing her when her cancer metastasized. When she passed I could not cry. I couldn't cry for two years until one day the dam broke and I bawled my eyes out. Now my grief is more normalized since I tear up when I think of her. It will come in time, or not at all, and you might feel guilty but don't.
sending you strength
sending you strength Poly......
grief as long as you need to about DH, that you did not think for one minute would happen, SS you knew it will end this way and that might be the only reason why you are not in tears over him, but you prepared when DH had cancer and he lived.. what happened after wards was not even a remote possibility in your mind, thus the heavy tiers..
Regarding job offers, keep on applying, the right job is out there and you will get it, just belief and know I'm here for you.. even if it's only to send you a virtual hug
{{HUGS}}
{{HUGS}}
hugs to you. you should
hugs to you. you should grieve in a way that is right for you. bereavement counselors say no one grieves the same way. take your time and let yourself feel what you need to feel.