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What do I do?

PolyMom's picture

It's been a rough week. My ex-husband got remarried Saturday. And his father got remarried Sunday. My anniversary was Wednesday. Instead of going out to dinner with DH, I bought him some flowers and left them by his grave.

I'm on and off with guilt. The situation of DH's death is sticky, and the people in my life advise me to cut ties with his family. His best childhood friend really reached out after he died. I asked him to be a pallbearer, and he sang some of DH's songs at the funeral. While DH and I were together, we didn't spend time with this friend. He and his wife maintained a relationship with BM.

Now the friend is asking to meet me to reminisce about DH. I feel obligated, but at the same time I think it's a bad idea. "The lonely widow meeting the married, best friend of her late husband, whose wife is friends with her husband's ex-wife." It sounds like a horrible setup for a movie on Lifetime. I don't know how to respond. I've already had to be curt with BM in ending that communication for good. It goes against the grain of who I am. But having these people around clearly causes me anxiety. I have my own friends and family to lean on. There was no relationship with this particular group of people while we were married, and frankly, I feel like an outcast when it comes to his immediate family. BM, while with her many faults is the same "breed" if that makes sense. DH's sister never really liked me. His mom always liked me a lot, but I've kept my distance out of respect for her having to continue on with the BM in order to keep a relationship with my SS11.

Oh geez...does any of this make sense? It's so complicated. I guess my main question is should I meet with my husband's friend? Under what circumstances? What should I say? I keep going in circles on this.

StressedSickNtired's picture

Wow, I'm so sorry.....for your loss and difficult situation all around.
I think the question is do you WANT to meet with friend? Do you think it will help or make you more depressed? You are not obligated to meet him. Put that out of your mind and do what's best for you. And if you decide to do so, perhaps have his wife come too so there can be no misconception of inappropriateness.

May I ask what will become of your relationship with your SS?

PolyMom's picture

I had to end it. I had two SS's, but the older one passed 2 months after DH. He couldn't bear living with BM. I don't know all the details, but I know what he would say about not living if he ever had to go live with her again. Let's just say there's lots of mental illness running through that family. BM probably has many undiagnosed mental illnesses, her behavior is of that of a person who will never accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong...ever.

My younger SS is the living loss we have to bear. It breaks my heart every day, but keeping him in our lives means his mother is in our lives, and the lies she concocts, the police being called, child services, the school other parents of my kids' friends... on and on and on...I'm just done with it. She says awful things about DH, and me, and I don't need to hear any more of it ever again, and my kids don't need to hear it either.

She is the reason all of this is so complicated.

PolyMom's picture

DH told me once this friend cheated on his wife before. I really don't trust it. Whether he's looking for that, or looking to stir up trouble, I don't know. What's weird is I'm just now remembering the night of our anniversary, I was talking to DH about it in a dream. I don't remember much, but what he said to me was "You don't really need to know why, just that it's a bad idea. What would you get out of it anyway?"

PolyMom's picture

DH told me once this friend cheated on his wife before. I really don't trust it. Whether he's looking for that, or looking to stir up trouble, I don't know. What's weird is I'm just now remembering the night of our anniversary, I was talking to DH about it in a dream. I don't remember much, but what he said to me was "You don't really need to know why, just that it's a bad idea. What would you get out of it anyway?"

PolyMom's picture

I know. I have no idea what to say to him. He actually messaged me because BM wanted "information" from me regarding life insurance and college savings etc. My neighbor took over, and told him not to get involved, that it gives me too much anxiety to even speak about her to anyone and any information she needs she can get from my attorney who is handling the estate.

He was very apologetic and promised never to bring her up again to me. Then he suggested we meet for coffee, even though he doesn't drink coffee. I politely added that a coolata at dunkin donuts wasn't coffee (implying I'm not meeting him at a bar). He came back asking me what my schedule looks like and I haven't responded.

I feel weird just leaving it hanging like that. Maybe "I'm really not in a good place right now, but I appreciate the gesture."

PolyMom's picture

Thank you so much. I think I knew this was the answer, this whole experience has just messed with me so much I can't tell what's what anymore. I don't want to face any of this anymore. And staying away from the lot of them is the best thing to do.

My therapist said the sooner all these people move away the easier all this will be.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

My heart just breaks for you. You have been through so much and it seems these people will not leave you alone.

There are so many ways meeting this guy can go wrong. Two come immediately to mind. He may be wanting to meet you on BM's behalf to gain information of some sort. Or he may be wanting to take advantage of the "grieving widow."

You do not need to answer his last message. There is no reason that you cannot leave him hanging. If he keeps trying to contact you, ignore the attempts or block his number. You know what you need right now, and it is to sever all contact with those from DH's previous life.

I hope you can soon find peace.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. I think it will be a while before I can find real inner peace, simply because of what I put myself through. I keep running the whole scenario through my head "what could we have done differently when it came to his kids and BM?" because that was the main culprit here. He wasn't physically well, his son was severely mentally ill, and he was constantly driving between our house, work, his mother's house (where SS14 was living the last 5 months prior), and BM bullied SS11 into living with her full time once that happened. My poor DH couldn't let go of his kids, and he couldn't let go of me, and he was letting all of this rip him apart instead.

My 20th high school reunion was scheduled. Part of it is a family picnic at the same park where DH took his life. I think I'll skip that portion.

SMforever's picture

^^^this^^^

Sounds like he is using his "old friend missing DH" as a poor excuse to front for BM in digging for information. Also, as a guy with a cheating record, you can bet your boots he's a manipulator. Blank him. You don't need the added stress of dodging him at this point, ever, for that matter.

hereiam's picture

Your post makes sense, what doesn't make sense is this guy wanting to meet with you.

Everybody has already said it, but I will say it again, NO.

Listen to your dream, your gut, your therapist, and your friends. Like Echo said, you owe this guy nothing, not even a response. You don't have to be the "nice girl" here, you need to take care of YOU. Whatever this guy's motives are, I can guarantee that they have nothing to do with your best interest.

Maxwell09's picture

I'm sorry, I can't imagine the grief you feel. My advice is to bow out gracefully as they say. I would politely distance myself from Married Guy and family. Start slow by letting gradual time pass before responding to their text. Tell them you've been keeping your phone off or haven't been taking calls/messages. Get off social media or change your setting so people can't tell when your on. If they ask for you to visit say you're out of town or have plans with your family at that time. Eventually they will get the picture you are unavailable but without all the assumptions of anger that happens when you just cut off someone. To me, from how you described their relationship with your husband while he was here, they are only reaching out now out of guilt for not being there for him while he was here. That will fade even from Married Guy.

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. It's funny. It just occurred to me why all this feels so wrong. Generally, I was raised to be accommodating. It's polite to accept someone's invitation to spend time together. To cut ties with a whole bunch of people that I'm not upset with, that are mourning the loss of my husband right alongside me feels so weird, because I think under ordinary circumstances, even if it doesn't last, it's natural to have everyone get together.

The problem is DH was very much a black sheep of his family. That's why we meshed so well. He could easily carry conversations with my family members and it was very comfortable. His family was very adversarial. We agreed on very little when it came to parenting, politics, finances and religion etc. That's why BM fits better with his family than I do. They may hate her, and her actions, but that's what I mean when I say she's the "same breed". With so much animosity surrounding her with me, it's just expedited the process of "letting go."

PolyMom's picture

Thank you. Personally, I think she was just doing it to figure out a way to "get to me" without technically contacting me herself. I told her that I want no communication with her, and she's to have no contact with my kids, or my dog. I told her not to contact me in a harassing manner again, or I would pursue a restraining order against her. I did this at the expense of ever seeing SS11 again. I know she'll twist it into some sort of "OP is evil" story, that he'll lap up, because honestly, he has no other choice. But my feeling is I've saved him from any animosity and shredding apart that would continue were I to continue any sort of relationship with him, so he's better off thinking awful of me.

The answer of "call the lawyer" if one I doubt she'll use considering she badmouthed me lawyer publicly when she had the local paper smear SS14's and related DH's death in the paper. She created a nice fundraising page to raise money for his medical and funeral costs, but she used her grandmother's plot in the cemetery and now drives a brand new car.

So that's awesome.

See? Best I know nothing.

somethingwicked's picture

No. Send him an email or short text or phone call thanking him and saying that you are getting on and you wish him and his wife well. That's it.

And it sounds like you need to seek grief therapy. You had/have a lot on your plate.
Grief is a normal response to a sudden loss. Yet it can hang about until it is NOT normal.

Please get the help you need, Poly.

And keep these negative sponges out of your life and your door permanently CLOSED to them and their energy and soul sucking antics.
Take care, hon.

somethingwicked's picture

Just read above that this friend was on a info seeking mission for the BM?
What the hell.
He's an ass.
You keep your door closed to that leech.

PolyMom's picture

Yeah. In all fairness, he did approach it with a "this is super awkward, and I don't want to be in the middle, but BM wanted some info.." (all over messenger) then just spewed everything out, apologetically. I called my neighbor (one of my close friends in charge of battling shit like this off so I don't have to stress over it), she read the messages, responded to him that it was her, and she called him and explained that hearing anything form BM really rattles me, and if BM needs any info regarding DH's estate, she'd best contact the attorney. The friend was relieved and apologized for "rattling" me. I told him I understood that he was trying to be helpful. Then all the nonsense with "we should go have coffee and reminisce about DH"... I think it's quite possible he is feeling guilty for not being around more. But even if that is the case, and his intentions are completely noble, they are not my problem to solve, or my burden to bear. I have enough without taking on everyone else's feelings about the loss of MY husband.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You hit the nail on the head in your last sentence. I know I have been in the position where I ended up comforting someone else over my bad news. It was all I could do to deal with my own feelings, and I ended up trying to help someone else deal with their feelings about my situation. It was exhausting.

Do not spend time with people who want to do this to you - even if they are not doing it on purpose.

Your neighbor sounds like a gem. So glad you have her to help you. Sending you warm thoughts.

Acratopotes's picture

Poly - nope also in the Don't meet him group...

cut ties with every one in DH's family and circle, DH is not there anymore and you owe these people nothing, you have our support and your family, put the past behind you and start your new life, you will only be able to start your new life if you put the past behind you ..

I, like Echo, have a bad feeling about this man who wants to meet you, the poor widow, then talk about your husband, which will make you soft and sad and he will take the opportunity immediately...

Anna21's picture

I agree with everyone here, avoid him like the plague. Just say you are not up to seeing anyone at all and leave it at that.
I am very sorry for your awful loss, my late husband died when my kids were young. His best friend would drop in to visit and we would reminisce also. He was a genuinely nice guy, would fix things around the house too. Then his wife threatened to divorce him if he continued to visit me and take his kids. In all sincerity there was nothing between us, it gave me comfort to chat about my DH. But looking back I should have not allowed him to drop by. I was lonely and grieving. People get the wrong idea for sure. His wife was awful anyhow. In your case the friend sounds like he has an ulterior motive and whatever that motive is, it's not in your best interest.