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We just do not know what to do

praying's picture

After Ss called me the c word, we have been in a wierd funk. We talk very little and I am unable to get over it. My Dh made him apologize but he did not even mean it when he finally did. My Dh is upset that I am not forgiving Ss. How can I? I have never been called a name like that, let alone by a child.

So things are not great but to make things worse, we just had a bombshell dropped on us. Ss's therapist is getting married and she is leaving for France in a month. She is alreeady referring all her patients to other therapists. This may not sound like a big deal but we have gone through hell and back to find a good therapist. We have actually had a therapist who made Ss feel like the abuse was his fault. This latest therapist was the only one who was able to actually help Ss. It has taken Ss a very long time to trust her and to start talking to her. She has helped improve in more names than I can count.

She called us personally to apologize and to refer us to another therapist who specializes in abuse therapy. She talked to Ss to explain and he started crying. It made me and my Dh very upset. It took my Dh a while to console him. Now, Ss has become extra grumpy and is lashing out at all of us for no reason at all. More
than usual anyway. And Saturday night, my Dh caught Ss leaving a message for the therapist asking her to stay. He was in tears. This has really gotten him upset. We want him to see the new therapist before the old therapist leaves so that any issue we get from the transition can be ironed out. And a week before Ss meets the new therapist, we have already gotten the screaming and saying he does not want to go.

I am really happy for her but why did she have to marry someone from freaking France? I know I sound stupid but I don't know how we are going to handle this. I am losing faith that I can make this work. Ss, my marriage, everything. I am considering asking my Dh to rent a separate place for him and Ss. Heck, I will move out if I have to. But my Dh cannot look after Ss all by himself. He needs my help. Ss needs my help. I feel terrible.

Comments

LauraKR's picture

Horrible word, you must have been really angry.
You don't say how old this little boy is?
Was just wondering if would be worth you sitting him down and having a talk to him?
Maybe if you could tell him how it made you feel when he said that to you?
I don't have any biological children myself so this may be stupid advice, particularly if he's too young to appreciate your viewpoint.
Kxx

skylarksms's picture

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. –Buddha

That's all I got. Sorry to hear about the therapist. That happened with someone I know who went through treatment too. They found out that a big part of their issue was social anxiety, then they had to deal with switching therapists every week or so.

praying's picture

I want to let go but I cannot. How can I forget he said that? I just hope with time I will let it go.

praying's picture

I am in therapy myself. My Dh saw a therapist once but never went back again. It was a bad therapist who did not know what he was doing. But my Dh needs help dealing with his guilt. He just will not listen to me. I have done a lot of research believe me I have a little library of books no one knows about. I have let a lot of things go but this has been especially difficult for me. And my relationship with my Dh has been slowly getting worse. I love him with all my heart but Ss's issues always drive a wedge between us. Thanks for the support.

PrincessFiona's picture

I'm so sorry Praying ! I don't know how you sucessfully put something like that behind you but I hope you find a way. Life is too short to spend it worried about words. God knows you have enough to content with in your life. And really it is only a word. Said in anger or frustration. Please find a way to put it in perspective.

I would think that given the things that boy has been exposed to and subjected to that the sting of words is all he has, and he's maybe become desensitized to evil if you know what I mean.

I hope you find that a new therapist is a positive thing in the long run.

praying's picture

You are very right Fiona. Ss has been exposed to very evil language with him being on the receiving end. I always think of that as the reason. I do not think he fully understands the ramifications of using such language with others. But surely he knows how it feels to be called names. Should'nt I keep him responsible for at least that?

PrincessFiona's picture

Oh absolutely yes, he should be responsible for his own actions regarless of his history. So he's been corrected, disiplined in some way and it's been addressed. Now, you have to let it go, knowing that there is so much behind it that it's not personal really.

He's bound to have many, many instances where he lashes out at those around him. I'm sorry it has to be you who continually is the recipient of that. He is lucky to have you.

alwaysanxious's picture

I've read your blogs and remember the background of your SS. I feel just awful for what he has been through. I wonder if someone can ever recover from all of this sometimes.

In one sense you want to think, none of this is his fault. In another sense you ask, when does he become responsible for his behaviors. At what point does a person have to just stop going back to the abuse and blaming it for their behaviors.

I'm sorry the therapist has to go out of town. Can you meet with both therapists, have her introduce and sit for a session with all of you while he is getting to know the knew therapist?

Maybe you just need a short vacation. I seriously don't know how you do it. they are both lucky to have you.

praying's picture

The therapists are an hour away from each other so having them in the same session will be difficult. We do want Ss to see the new therapist before the old one leaves so that the therapists can talk to each other and hopefully find a solution. And you are right, when do we stop blaming all of his behaviors on the abuse? I do not see if we can even do that. The abuse that Ss went through was extreme. Therapists are surprised he can even function the way he does right now. They say he has repressed a lot of the abuse memories. I need a vacation bad. But it would be just be me. We can't leave Ss alone with anyone Sad