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So upset

praying's picture

Apparently Ss wants to go visit his mother. Who is in prison by the way. I cannot for the life of me understand this boy. Things are finally getting better. But I am sure seeing her will open up a bunch of issues.

My Dh tried telling him it wasn't a good idea and it ends up in a yelling match between them. My Dh is just so hurt. He hates that woman with every fibre of his being. But Ss still wants for her in way that he doesn't with us. And it hurts me too.

This woman knew and let her child get horrifically abused. She helped make all of our lives hell. Ss knows this and still he misses her.

So now Dh wants to talk with Ss's therapist and ask for her opinion. Of course, Ss isn't even talking to her so I don't know how she can help.

Bm gets out at the end of the year. She gets out early because of good behavoir. I hate our court system. There is stipulation that she is not allowed to contact Ss. But apparently those conditions can be fought in court. I am not looking for her to get out.

I just feel really upset :(. Dh said he feels so betrayed by Ss.

Comments

praying's picture

You are right. It is just hard for us to understand this mentality. Because lets be honest, she played a big part in ruining his life. And as much as we have our hopes, Ss will face struggles for he rest of his life.

He stopped talking to the therapist recently. He is just mad at all of us for hiding certain things. He doesn't seem to understand we did it for his own good. Hopefully the therapist will have some insight into this.

Lalena75's picture

I agree the therapist should be consulted, any idea why he wants to see her? Maybe as he's getting better he feels the need to confront her, or get closure. I think the why is most important. He will eventually see her even if it's not till he's 18 he is going to want to say something, or ask questions. I have no advice except to see it as part of his healing maybe and check with the therapist.

praying's picture

He said he misses her, which makes me very angry. Bm created this mess and has made my life miserable. How can he even have any love for her?

nothinforya's picture

He can't help it. It's built in by biology. It's not his fault. All you can do is be truthful with him, and patient.

stepmonster_2011's picture

I'm in agreement here. I know the kid has been thru all of Dante's circles of hell and back again, but sometimes you gotta just say No. Blame the courts.

Or maybe with his therapist, come up with exactly what he wants to say to her? Maybe just doing an exercise or twelve like that will help him get he thoughts and feelings under control until he's more mature to handle seeing her.

I'd be mostly worried that by seeing her, he's expecting her to trip all over herself with apologies and outpourings of regret and never ending love. (He feels abandoned by the one person who is supposed to love him most, craving those feelings and actions from his mother is actually quite normal.) But I suspect, as I think you do as well, that this no good POS trash woman who ALLOWED these horrible things to happen to her child, will give your SS the cold shoulder. And the rejection will kick him back a year or more in his therapy and recovery.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

praying's picture

I think blaming the courts is a good idea. We have decided we are not going to let him see her. Who knows what she will say. We can't risk it. At this point I am confused if he actually wants to see her or just wants to hurt us. I can't read him. But we will just let him know we hear him, but we can't do anything about it.

I am sure he will be upset hearing it. But Dh really wants to stand firm on this. He never wants to see that woman's face again.

arjuna79's picture

Oh Praying. And you had just updated us about the better flow of things - I agree with you to use the courts excuse, and I do think he's looking for a way to hurt you. Makes me wonder if he's gotten to a nasty little piece of his process (that he doesn't know how to face, never mind process).. and thus the flare-up of defense patterns.
Blessings and support as you find your way with this piece...

oneoffour's picture

Hi there,
I think he wants to look her in the eye. That being said he can see her when he is 18.
HE is not making progress at present. He is not talking to his therapist. And he thinks he can go and visit his mother? In prison? Why would he THINK his father let alone you would allow this?

I would tell him that the courts have denied her seeing him due to the serious nature of her crime while he is a minor. When he is 18 he will be given her most current contact information you have at hand. Until then and in light of his setbacks he cannot contact or see her.

Frankly DH may feel his son is betraying him but DH needs to man up and see this as another manipulation from his son to get what he wants. He can hate his father and cry all he wants. But this woman did not lift a finger to stop this from happening. HE doesn't get to see her until he is 18.

He will try. Oh yes he will! He will sneak off and try and track her down. I would even consider allowing the contact if he wasn't so self destructive and further along with his therapy. But he isn't and mentally he is in no place to call ther shots esp. as he has clammed up with his therapist.

Kilgore SMom's picture

At 14ss probably has a lot of anger that he doesn't know how to deal with. I looked up your blogs. But I didn't see any back history so I'm not sure how to advise you. My SS BM has been to prison twice. The first time I drove 4 hours for SS to visit BM. But she didn't learn her lesson and went back to prison. So we let BM write SS and as long as she wasn't lying or making promise we gave SS the letters. However, we didn't let him write to BM. He never asked. Dh just felt that she got her self put there and that he wasn't going to let SS write her. Because she didn't give a shit the 8 months before she went to prison, never called SS or anything. DH wasn't going to let her have self gratification by SS writing her. Why did she deserve that respect. She didn't show SS the respect.

Cut this women off like the judge said. Tell SS to talk to his therapist about BM if he feels the need. But that BM name is not to be brought back up in your house. Yes you have the right to do that. Nip SS behavior in the bud know or you will regret it later. Trust me I have a 30 yr. old and a 23 yr. old. Back talk and manipulation is not allowed this goes for SS 8 also. Whatever he has to say can wait till SS is 18.