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Will someone talk me out of ripping pictures of the Bm to shreds?

praying's picture

I have a day off. My Dh took Ss to buy some clothes and they are going to the animal shelter after, as a surprise for Ss. My children were with my parents since yesterday so I decide to get rid of some trash and donate some old toys and clothes for the Sick Kids foundation when I had the chance. They come pick up the stuff so I give back and get some space in our garage at the same time. It was pretty early but I am a early riser. While doing that, I found a box full of pictures of Ss when he was younger. It was never opened. We got some things from Bm's mother for Ss but we never opened it because my Dh hates Bm so much. I decide to open it and I find albums, not just pictures. Entire albums. They are of Ss when he was younger.

Here is the sick part. There are actually pictures of Ss with Bm's husband. The man who abused Ss. Just seeing them made me cry. No use telling me not to destroy those pictures because I tore up every single picture with him in it. It would terrify Ss to see them again. Now I am conflicted if I should destroy the ones with Bm in it. I know people may think I am being petty but this excuse of a mother allowed her son to be abused. In one of the videos the sick bastard made, Bm clearly walks in, sees what is being done to Ss and walks out. They tried to plead not guilty because they had a mental illness. But no one bought it and they both got sent away a long time.

Should I just throw the photos in the attic? I do not think Ss will want them at all. He NEVER talks about his mother. Even in therapy she is someone the therapist is never allowed to bring up. The pictures are just lying there at my feet. I just want to burn them so they'll be there for her in hell when she gets there. I am sorry. It is very emotional. I am so glad my children are not here. I am a hot mess.


briarmommy's picture

This is such a hard situation, I've been reading your blogs and I wish I could give you some sage advice but I can't. I wouldn't get rid of all the pictures of BM even if she is a piece of trash who should be pelted with rocks for allowing everything to happen. Getting rid of the ones with the husband is a good thing, he shouldn't stumble along those. But someday years from now he may want one of his mom even if it doesn't seem like that will ever happen now, he should have the option later on, just pick a few and pack them away and get rid of the rest. I wouldn't keep tons but atleast a handful of when he was really young before every thing happend just in case he wants them when he is older so that you don't become the bad guy for getting rid of them all.

From reading your blogs I just want to tell you though that it sounds like you and your DH are doing a wonderful job for him and our trying your very best. Don't get discouraged it takes time to find a healthy place in yourself after that kind of abuse. Your SS will never fully get over it but he will find a balance in time for himself that will allow him to deal with it and use it to make him stronger. Just believe me when I say I know, I was almost 11 when we left my father and I haven't seen him since because of what he did to us, but I was lucky and my mother got my sister and I out when she found out what he had been doing......your SS is lucky to because he has you and your DH. So just remember when you get discouraged that you are doing every thing you can and it will get better.

stormabruin's picture

I can't imagine the anger that those pictures must've made you feel. Your SS will have no use for the pics of BM's husband. As for the pics of BM...even though she has been a source of real pain for your SS, she is his mother. He may or may not want to have those pictures one day. Probably not for many years, but he may want to have them one day. If nothing else, perhaps it'll give your SS some closure when he's ready for it. If he decides he doesn't want them in the future, they'll be there for him to light fire to. Maybe it'll serve as a way for him to let that part of his past go.

But for now, put them away. Put them in a box where you won't have to look at them again...where none of you will just happen upon them in the future & be hit with this anger all over again unexpectedly.

Perhaps mention it to SS's therapist & get her thoughts on it.

I was wondering, too...are you & your DH participating in counseling at all? This is a lot for all of you to deal with. I wondered if counseling might help your DH cope with the guilt he's feeling & it might help you work through the things you're feeling with it all.

Prayers to you sweetie. Pack those things up. Go in the house & relax.

praying's picture

I am in therapy. It has really helped. My Dh is not. He needs it badly but he just will not go. Our marriage has been strong. He suffers a lot of guilt though. And he has become a bit overprotective of Ss. But can you blame him? I would be the same way.

stormabruin's picture

It would surprise me if your DH was NOT overprotective. I think any parent would be. I hope that he'll realize the peace & calm that he could feel if he were to get some help in coping with his guilt. That's a terrible feeling to have to wake up & face every day of your life, but it's something that won't go away if it isn't faced. I hate to think that someone who had no control over what happened would spend their lives living with that kind of guilt. I hope that he'll seek help for that.

praying's picture

I made my Dh go to therapy and he hated it. I suggested a different therapist but he refused. It is hard seeing him live with that guilt. Heck, i feel guilty. I cannot imagine how he feels.

praying's picture

I know. I have horror stories about therapists for Ss too. They really made things worse. One said to him, "it is ok if you liked what was done to you. You do not have to be ashamed. You were too young to know it was wrong". Ss came home crying his eyes out. My Dh tore that guy a new one. Never ever go with a young therapist. They do not have the experience. Also, he never dealt with a child abuse case before. Our insurance messed up on that one.

stepmama2one's picture

Dont rip them up just keep them put away for your ss so that he can look at them when he wants. If there are pictures of the man take those out. My SD is 10 and she has some pictures at my house of her mom and her and I just tell her to keep them put up in her closet until she wants to look at the. I want my SD to have pictures of our family so when she gets older she will have memories so it would not be right for me to deny her memories with her mother.I even send a few pictures with her when she goes to her moms of her and her sister (my BD) because I feel that it doesnt matter which house she is at, she still needs pictures of her family. Keep them just dont look at them. ONly my opinion though, good luck.

praying's picture

Thanks for being the voice of reason guys. I was being way too emotional about it. Seeing her face makes my blood boil. I am ductaping that box shut and tossing it in our dark attic. Hopefully Ss never asks for them.

herewegoagain's picture

I'd take them to the police...the ones where the man is there and it possibly incriminates her, etc...that should ensure the witch doesn't get out addition, you don't want someone finding them in the trash and coming back to you. The ones of just the BM, I'd throw out too...too bad.

Willow2010's picture

Yours is such a sad story. I guess I will have to dis agree here with the majority. They would all be trash. All except ones of SS alone. I would trash them and not think another second about it. These people are why the death penalty should be for sexual predators! Sorry, just makes my blood boil for you, your SS and DH.

praying's picture

I feel the same way. I wish they both got the lethal injection. But no, our state does not allow it. I am not a big enough person to forgive them. I wish every day that they get what they deserve in hell.

praying's picture

I so want to throw them away. But if later downt he road, Ss asks for them, I want him to have it. She may be the devil but shehis mother. And like someone said, he might want them for closure. I do not want to deny him that.

neversecondplace's picture

I feel for you. Hugs. Well I know it would feel so good to just fkn shred em, but maybe just put the pics in a box waayyy up in the attic and "forget" where you put them. Maybe that will help. Sad