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UPDATE to Will I Regret This?

JMC's picture

Here's SD23's response...kind of hard to read because she writes her response in between my original paragraphs. My response to her is at the bottom. Needless to say, my DH is livid! He's mad at her, but you can bet it'll get turned around and he'll blame me.

Subject: Ok - here goes...

My Original message:
Ok - I don't know what's upset you this time or really most of the other times but I have tried my best to get along with you. The last few times we have seen you everything seemed fine - so what's the deal? If you think I'm stopping your father from seeing you, you are so wrong! I have encouraged him REPEATEDLY to go see you, but when we try to make plans with you we usually get blown off.

SD23's Response:
What it is this time?...or every other time is that you don’t say much...and if you do your REALLY FAKE about it! So I obviously know you don’t care!...And it seemed fine the last few times is because I’m not being a rude bitch..and calling you out on your fake personality you have going on in front of everyone!...And I DON'T think your stopping my father from seeing me but you usually make it and uneasy visit!...And I don’t blow you off because usually I WORK!...and don’t have the luxury to take off when ever?...I also go to school FULL TIME!...So I forgot to share with my husband the plans I had made?...thought he was going to be working at first and found out he wasn’ then I told him that we had plans to go to your home for a fish fry...well he made other plans to for our friends to come over!...not my fault except poor communication between us both!...since I now have a child and haven’t seen most of my friends in FOREVER!..i couldn’t pass this up! I’m sure it would be a day of you being fake around all YOUR family and friends and trying to show them how your an AWESOME stepmother NOT!

My original message:
I have told him that since it seems to be you having a problem with me, then he should go see you without me - he won't. He says it's not right for him to have to go alone because we should be a family. Well, SD23, I've tried to be friendly with you and it appears you just don't want a peaceful relationship. That's fine by me, but stop this crap with your father. You are being so disrespectful to him - you seem to forget all the things he has done for you, how he raised you. You know he could have been a total ass and dumped you with your mother - who by your own account didn't give a rip about you, your sister or even your little brother. But he didn't.

SD23's Response:
And he's RIGHT, we should be a family..BUT I don’t think you want a FAMILY!...being you don't care much for my sister and myself?...for whatever reasons?..And the fact that it seems YOUR giving UP!.. because I’m not praising you and kissing your ass!...Well JMC, let me tell ya sister it appears to me that you’re not a peaceful person!..your try your BEST to do your little childish shit to just piss me off! FOR instance your "IM NOT LISTENING"..i mean REALLY wtf??..AND DONT TELL ME ABOUT STARTING SHIT WITH MY FATHER!.. I DO RESPECT HIM!..because yes he has done everything in this world for ME...but he's not been his self lately because some of the SHIT that’s been said or acting towards me is NOT my true loving father!..ITS the BITCH in the background YELLING a BUNCH of BULLSHIT! and my dad repeating it in his words that he use to never speak to me!...I don’t think you really got to meet my dad before you took advantage of his KINDNESS! AND some how he REELED in something MUCH WORSE THAN MY MOTHER!...YOU

My original message:
You need to remember just who raised you, gave you everything - it certainly wasn't your mother. It was your FATHER and his parents - your grandparents. Just because I came into to picture didn't mean he stopped loving you - you were an adult when he & I got together, although at times you certainly don't act like one. You cry and scream you want us to all get along & to quit dragging up the past - well Brittany, it seems like you're the one who won't let go of the past problems. We all make mistakes and I have admitted to mine and apologized for them. I don't know what else you want from me, so maybe you should tell me.

SD23's response:
And jus for the record I didn’t bring up the past your stupid dumbass!...I just said I couldn’t make it to the fish fry because i DIDNT know my husband made other plans!..That’s what started it and your SMARTASS comments rubbing off on my dad about how I knew about for 2WEEKS!....well yes i did but like i was saying ME AND MY HUSBAND 'DH' HAD POOR COMMUNICATION!...AND HE MADE OTHER PLANS! did you understand that?...what part of that was the past???? I also KNOW my dad hasn’t stopped LOVING me although i bet you wish he might because your mighty selfish!...I bet my dad treats your beloved K9's better than you ever treated us!...AND i don’t think you have admitted to anything?...and talk about being an ADULT remember your the STEP-PARENT?...or do you even deserve that honor?...because that’s not what you’ve stepped up too yet HIGHSCHOOL GIRLFRIEND!

My original message:
If I have offended you or pissed you off, you need to confront me about it and let's get it out in the open and work it out - stop this bullshit NOW. You probably don't even care, but DH is having some serious health issues right now - how would you feel if something happened to him & you never got to see him ever again? I know how that feels - I lost my brother whom I hadn't seen in years because we were both too stubborn to make amends over something really stupid. I cry everyday because I miss him and never had the chance to make things right or tell him how much I loved him. Don't make the same mistake I did. Your dad doesn't deserve this punishment you're handing him. You may not like me, but I'm his wife and I love him - can't you at least be happy that he's got someone who loves and cares about him? You really don't seem like the type of person who would be so selfish - but unfortunately,your actions are exactly that -

SD23's Response:
And of course you KNOW you have!...that’s what you’ve intended to do otherwise you wouldn’t have sent me this email!....I’m not DUMB...DUMBASS! want CHILDISH you got it...I really can’t believe I’ve stooped to this level but I have because I can’t stand your SMARTASS anymore! NOW I KNOW MY DAD HAS HEALTH PROBLEMS....If they have gotten worse i don’t know because he never shares that with me anymore!...which I’m sure they can’t be awesome because him being a diabetic and as much as you guys eat out?...that’s not helping him there WIFE!....being you’re not diabetic you don’t have to worry but you should consider his health too!...NOW my theory is that you’re not helping my dad’s health therefore your STONE COLD HEART don’t give a flying fuck what happens to him!..And I do! SELFISH comes to mind when I hear the word LYNN!...because unless its QUEEN JMC's way it don’t fucking happen because she’s running the castle NOW!

My original message:
Now you can either choose to call everybody and tell them what I horrible bitch I am to be sending this message to you and have a lil chatfest about how you all hate me & whatever, or you can put on your big girl panties and act like an adult and try to work to have a better relationship with your father. Your choice. Choose wisely.

SD23's response:
I don’t think they have panties big enough for you to put on because you’re so FULL OF SHIT!



My Response to her response:
So sorry you feel this way....Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not fake - never have been, never will be. You should know that by now. I usually don't mince my words either...unfortunately at times I can be very outspoken. I believe that's part of your problem with me; I don't hide my true feelings. Your response says alot and is most certainly very childish. Some of what you've written in your response doesn't even make sense. "I'm not listening" WTF back at you, SD23. No clue as to what that reference was about. Just for the record, I don't have to tell your father anything about you or put words in his mouth - he's starting to see the true self centered little brat he raised...he even said so today after he hung up talking to you; he said that the problem with you was he had given you girls TOO much and you took it and him for granted. But if it makes you feel better blaming me for what he says to you, go right ahead. You see, I love Ted and I don't mind taking the blame. You are really a bitter, miserable child, aren't you? I can only hope you don't pass these characteristics on to your daughter as your mother has to you.

As for DH's health, I'm not the one forcing him to eat what he does and by you saying something so ludicrous, it just shows your ignorance. DH is an adult, he knows the risks of what he's doing, either by eating unhealthy and smoking, which my dear, I have continually tried to get him to quit, even going so far as to get him a prescription for Chantix. It's not me who's causing his health problems but the stress you're causing by all the crap you do and keeping the hatred and venom flowing is most certainly not healthy for him. So before you sling mud and accuse me, you better look in the mirror, honey.

Oh more thing...don't trouble yourself to refer to me as your stepmother, as neither one of us really like that title, lol! Honor? I think not! I just thank Jesus that I'm not your bio mother. You get what you deserve.

Oops, make that two more don't need to send this to daddy because I already did...needless to say he's not very happy about it; disappointed in you were the words he used.

Oh yeah, I may be fat, but I still get a chuckle out of you saying SD19 was stealing your thong undies the first time she lived with you...what did she do, wrap them around herself two or three times?!! No freaking way she could wear your skivvies! lol

Skipping the love my dear, so as to not be fake like you, but have a nice life, Brittany.
The "Queen" JMC


caregiver1127's picture

JMC - you did well - you got your feeling out and now your stress levels will be much better - you see what your SD is like and if she really respected and loved her father then she would respect you because he choose you - you might want to remind him of that when the shit hits the fan - if DH says anything just sit him down and say listen I have tried not matter what I do I will always be the horrible woman who took away their father. Then say to him how selfish is it that they want to have lives and children and someone to love but don't want the same for you - then tell him - I love you plain and simple if I didn't I would not have put up with their shit for this long so you need to start realizing how much I LOVE YOU!! Then walk away and let him stew in that for a while - don't fight and don't defend just say I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you - no more!

Gia's picture

This is the type of email, that if SD ever sent me, she would no longer be welcomed in my house, if DH can't handle it, then we get a divorce, but I think that he would probably agree with me....

JMC's picture

Thanks everyone for the support, advice & kind words. It was a very sleepless night & DH is still pretty upset, as am I, but at least he said again this morning he was very disappointed in SD23. How long that will last or where it will go from here we'll just have to wait & see, but I am done with this girl. DH & I both feel SD23's husband has a lot to do with her attitude & actions but there's nothing we can do about that. One bad fallout is SD19 and I had just started getting along very well - I'm sure this will blow that out of the water. She was texted both of us last night very upset telling us how much she wanted a family and she thought things were going so much better and that she loved us very much. I texted her back and tried to reassure her everything was going to be ok, but with her living with SD23 I don't know how it can be. I don't know if DH will still be attending the baby's party or not, I know I won't and I'm wondering how Christmas will go, although SD23 usually spends most of the day at her in-laws. I'm sure my in-laws will be all over this today when they find out everything that happened.

sixteensmom's picture

Reading your email exchange made me take a look at my relationship w sd and realize ive done exactly the same thing. Feels like I've always been the one to cave or let go of hurt feelings and move on. The big dif in my situation is that I'd never get a response. I'm certain my sd feels the same as yours wrote, but shed never respond because she simply doesn't care. She's quite antisocial, doesn't care if there's no family in her life, could sit in a dark room for the rest of her life w husband and be just fine. She has no emotion and no connection or desire for family. Her bm is the biggest drama queen victim I've ever known and she definitely had an impact on sds outlook on life.

I worry about how things will go at Christmas. If they'll even come. Whether they'll just snub us. But I keep reading here and seeing how you've all successfully disengaged and think... I can do this. I don't HAVE to care or want her in the family.

Most Evil's picture

JMC I think it is ok to fire back after all that has happened. That is the only way to respond to someone bullying you, is to let them know, you will defend yourself.

All the parties involved know that now, and it is better to me, to have an honest relationship and truly try to address the real issues like you did and not shove them further under the rug.

I think you did the right thing. HUGS

Totalybogus's picture

I think your response to her made you look as pathetic as she is. Your original email was classy. Your response was sophmoric.

Totalybogus's picture

I have been on the receiving end.. actually much worse than this, however, I think the high road is always the best road. Besides, my response wasn't a judgment of her. I gave my opinion to her question.

caregiver1127's picture

I disagree with the statement that her return email made her look pathetic - I think JSM has swallowed enough shit and has been very nice and classy as you put it and now the gloves are off - if the SD is going to be a bitch as an adult why does the OP have to take it - oh yeah she doesn't have to take and she didn't - KUDOS to you JSM - it is nice that your SD will be getting a taste of her own medicine and what she has been dishing out to you for years!!!

N8tiveButt3rfly's picture

I'm on OP's side in this one. She's dealing with an adult, NOT a child. If her SD thinks she has a right to more respect from her SM, as an adult she should KNOW that you have to be willing to give respect in order to receive it. Just because OP's married to her dad that doesn't mean that SD should just be allowed to stomp all over her feelings and spout so much hate and yet she should just take it and give her respect where none is due? Nuh uh. JMC may be married to SD's dad but she's a human being with feelings. I hope, JMC, that your DH stands up to his daughter on your behalf. What she did was wrong and it was horrible. Maybe this will all blow up in HER face just as it SHOULD. HUGS!!!

Bojangles's picture

What amazes me about this exchange is how preoccupied SD is with the idea of your being 'fake'. That's a very negative interpretation of the 'putting a brave face on it', 'turning the other cheek', 'fake it till you make it' efforts that are required of most stepparents trying to form a relationship with their SKids. You can see it as fake, or you can see it as someone trying really hard, putting on a smile that they don't feel and making an effort even when they don't want to, because they want to try and make the relationships work. It's a real shame that your SD has not been able to understand that it was difficult for you as well as her.

I've turned the other cheek a lot with my eldest SD, now 23, when she's been bossy, or spoken out of turn. Some of those comments still rankle years later. I did it because I could recognise that actually our personalities are quite similar and that I also went through that bossy outspoken phase when I was in my late teens. On the couple of occasions when I did sit down with her and gently point out that I had not liked something she'd said she was actually quite mortified, and on the flip side she can be really thoughtful - she was the one that arranged flowers from all the SKids when I had my first baby, she's the one that remembers to send thankyou notes. So lucky for me it was worth turning the other cheek, and I really feel for you that you relationship with your SD has degenerated to the point where there is such open hostility.

JMC's picture

UPDATE - We survived the fish fry, naturally SD23 did not show up but the in-laws & my SIL & BIL came. SD19 was trying to make it but had car problems - she kept calling & texting to let us know her status, bless her heart at least she tried. DH is still very upset with SD23 although I heard him trying to call her - don't have a clue as to what he would have said had she answered her phone. She sent him a text last night stating she was done with both of us and to leave her alone. My in-laws surprizingly didn't say much about the situation and if they had I was prepared to hand them a copy of the email exchange so they would know the true details.

I noticed on my f/b account that SD23 hasn't defriended me yet, not sure why but whatever. Maybe she thinks I'll say something on there, but I have nothing more to say to her and certainly not on f/b. Next Sunday should be interesting, I'm assuming DH will attend the baby's party sans me.

Thanks again for the support, this place is my oasis for regaining my perspective, if not my sanity.

JMC's picture

Yes she's actually 23 going on 12. What's scary is this girl has spent the last five years going to college! Oh wait, she flunked out of nursing school and the "full time" attendance she speaks of now is one night a week ON LINE...