OT - D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
I’ve reached the point of no return and want/need to get out of this marriage. Since this is my first marriage, I’ve obviously never been through a divorce so I have no idea where to even begin. My main concern is that I don’t lose everything I’ve worked for all my life especially since DH came into this marriage with nothing but the clothes on his back (and two whiney ass girls!).
Here’s some of the highlights of my concerns:
I owned my home before DH & I got together; we were married about a year before I refinanced it to pay off some of HIS bills and put a new roof on the house. Now the house is in both names. Big mistake I know, but surely the law will take into consideration the fact I owned it before the marriage. I’m hoping I can talk to my credit union to see about refinancing to lower my payments, which doubled when we refinanced two years ago.
My SUV is in my name only, I had bought it about a month before DH & I ever met; it’s still in my maiden name. DH had a beater van when we got married – he totaled it and we bought a car in both names – my name first because his credit wasn’t strong enough.
He can have the car but I don’t want to be responsible for the payment or insurance, which presents a problem because he has no income at this point.
We also own a camper, a pontoon boat and a bass boat – all in both names.
All of these items are insured with my original insurance company and it’s pretty pricey premiums.
Then there’s the bank account – granted he got a large settlement when he got injured at work, but most of it is gone now. However, even though he put a considerable amount in the account, I had a nice chunk in there too when we got together. I ended up paying for our wedding, all the trips, a hottub, all sorts of crap that we thought we needed, so it’s not like he provided all the money in the account. As I stated above, we refinanced the house to pay his bills and some of the money came from my savings account too.
DH has been on medical leave since April 2008 – went back to work for about a week and got injured again and ended up getting fired. He drew workers comp for a while, then unemployment but it ran out in November. Since then I’m the one paying the bills and having to dip into the savings to make ends meet. He’s not disabled but he absolutely refuses to try to get a job. Oh he looks at the ads in the paper and online and if there’s one he “might” like, he’ll apply, but its one in a thousand that he is interested in. Lately he’s decided he wants to open a business – no idea what type of business but SD23 is coming over tomorrow to discuss a business opportunity with him – NO FREAKING WAY do I want to go into business with any of his family!! Final straw – I know I have to get out of this mess asap. I got to quit procrastinating and get on with this so I can get on with my life.
I know divorce laws vary from state to state, but if anyone has any knowledge of Illinois laws or even any suggestions or advice I’d greatly appreciate some guidance. I have no clue as to how to find a good attorney.
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You need to start by selling
You need to start by selling off all the "toys" and then I would make sure you have a checking and savings account that he is not on. Start moving money into it before the lawyers get involved. Now hire a lawyer and get him out of the house. Recommendations from friends and colleagues go a long way.
My DH used the lawyer for BM from the recommendation of a friend. He said don't use mine, use the one my ex used, since she got everything. He was right, our lawyer is phenomenal.
It is going to take a long time to get your financial independence back, so start sooner rather than later.
This is exactly why our pre-nup is so long and covers everything we could think of.
I'm guessing the laws vary by
I'm guessing the laws vary by state, but I recently (withtin the past 5 years) divorced from my ex (in NY)and was told that whether things are in your name only or both names or what... in the eyes of the law all assets (and debts for that matter) are considered "marital property" However, if you do have good records and can prove certain ownership, your lawyer may be able to work things out in your favor.
Bottom line, just make sure you get a good lawyer! I got a shitty lawyer and got my ass handed to me in the whole mess... just because I had never gone through a divorce before and didn't catch things that were not in my favor until the separation agreement had already been signed. They were things that a good lawyer would have and should have balked at, I ended up firing that lawyer and got another one who told me that the agreement was terribly disjointed, obviously written poorly etc, but that was told the damage was done.... that once that seperation agreement is signed that judges look at that as being set in stone. I even filed a grievance with my states attorney grievance commission, but of course nothing ever came of it.
so anyway, good luck and that is my advice... do NOT let cost sway you, get the best attorney you can find... ask around, get references.. whatever it takes!
Just remember that even if a
Just remember that even if a judge gave your stbx the assets/payments to go along with it, if YOUR name is associated with it AND he decides NOT to pay it...your credit will be trashed too.
If you are concerned with your credit rating (as I am), make sure you can handle the debt payments in case your xh decides to flake on his part of the deal (which he probably will since he doesn't have any income at the moment)
Thanks everyone - right now I
Thanks everyone - right now I guess my biggest challenge is finding an attorney. Unfortunately, I live in small town, USA so good ones are few and far between. Hopefully I can find one that's kick ass and actually works for ME.
Crayon, you brought up a good point about the alimony - OMG I certainly hope I don't get stuck paying it! He's not disabled so he can work, he just chooses not to.
As for selling the toys, we've been considering selling the bass boat & the camper for a while now - just can't get him off his ass long enough to help with getting them ready to sell. He'd want to spend the money on poker anyway, so that's going to be a fight.
I don't believe his family would help him with money for an attorney - his parents and brother don't have the money and his sister wouldn't loan him a dollar. I seriously doubt either SD would fork out any either.
I'm also wondering how health insurance will be done? He's diabetic and also takes a ton of meds due to his lack of exercise and eating properly and being a hypochondriac. Currently he's on my insurance I have through my employer.
It's going to be a really stressful spring....
My lawyer told me that I had
My lawyer told me that I had to carry my Ex on my health insurance until the divorce was final.... I was stupid though and went against that and dropped him the month after I kicked his cheating ass out and did NOT put him back on my policy. I was not about to pay an extra 100 bucks a month or so for family coverage so he could have health insurance.. hell no.
In hindsight I really shouldn't have done that because I probably could have gotten myself into huge trouble if he ended up in the hospital or something during that time... and given that your stbx is already in poor health I would NOT recommend being a brat like I was!
Again, it may be something that a good lawyer can work out, where your stbx would have to pay the extra amount of money that is costing YOU to do this? Or that he has a certain amount of time to get his own insurance?
I already checked with my HR
I already checked with my HR dept., I can't take him off my insurance until I provide them with a divorce decree or legal separation papers or proof that he has insurance somewhere else.
That sucks because it's costing me a ton for him to be on my insurance. This is definitely something I will bring up with an attorney. There has to be a way to make him pay his part.
Oh no! How ridiculous! It's
Oh no! How ridiculous! It's not like he's a child.. he's a grown adult... what does your company care whether he has insurance or not?? I don't understand that?? Maybe the new Health Care bill thing that the Obama Admin passed???
Yeah, I'd be looking for reimbursement for that!
Although it is true that you
Although it is true that you are not supposed to boot him off of insurance until the divorce is actually final, there IS a provision for divorced people to have access to health insurance through COBRA (the same thing that laid off people can use to continue health coverage).
As you may be able to tell, I have done quite a bit of sleuthing on this matter...
When we checked into that
When we checked into that when H was divorced in IL that was an option, but BM would have had to pay the cost and if she didn't agree to the costs we could put her on Cobra but then we had the financial burden of paying for it.. Cobra is higher than just keeping them on the insurance until the divorce is final. I know it sucks to pay their insurance but don't cut your nose of to spite your face
What I am saying is that HE
What I am saying is that HE will have access to health insurance POST-divorce through COBRA. It's not your responsibility how he pays it.
If he can't afford it and still has no job, he can try to get medical assistance.
BUT - it's like disengaging from skids except:
"Not my HUSBAND, not my problem!"
In IL you CAN NOT drop a
In IL you CAN NOT drop a spouse who has coverage off the policy until the divorce is final. If the spouse was never on your coverage to begin with you do not need to put them on but if they have been covered you can't just drop them. I'm sure your work won't allow it, because if something happens it's not just your butt that will be in trouble you employer can be sued also.
I'd start with opening my own
I'd start with opening my own bank account, and dumping what you can into it. This will no doubt start WWIII. Rent a storage unit, or a sleeping room for your stuff. I would move out and file for divorce ASAP. Also file for a Legal Separation in case he enters into this family business. I would not waste one moment of time. TIME IS MONEY to lawyers. I've never heard of a divorce where either party felt they came out okay. So, go into it knowing that the outcome will probably suck. But, staying sounds like it would suck more!
It is never to late to start over.
Good luck to you!
I don't want to move out - I
I don't want to move out - I want HIM out, it's my house and has been for 23 yrs. I have no idea how I would be able to rent a place for myself right now, I'm already over my head just trying to keep the bills paid so my credit doesn't end up in the toilet.
He can go live with his parents or the SD's - I have no where else to go, especially with my two dogs and a bird. All the utilities are in my name too. Even if I had somewhere to go, he'd move SD19 in with him and I'd have nothing left in my home. I need to find a way to get him out and have the locks changed.
Careful with the "locks
Careful with the "locks changed" thing too! I changed the locks the day after I booted exH out and was told later by my lawyer that legally, until at least seperation agreement was signed that ex had rights to be in house... the old "marital property" thing.
My exH is total loser and doesn't have much brains, so he never fought me having the locks changed, didn't even realize that I dropped him from my insurance etc., but if he wanted to be a dick about those things he could have and I wouldn't have had a leg to stand on.... seriouly go get a lawyer STAT so you don't create more headaches than you already have!
I understand your pain. I
I understand your pain. I dealt with the same situation. My man would not leave. He knew he had me over a barrel. You already know this will not be easy. But, you will never have it over by staying. THINGS ARE THINGS. Things are replaceable! A house is a thing. You need to act quickly, get it over quickly. Go talk to a Lawyer at least. See what your options are for preserving your credit as your number one priority. You may get the house and a fair break in the end. A judge has been down this road plenty of time, and will be able to see through the BS. Do you have friends that could help you with any of this. Take your next check, get a sleeping room - or rent a room in someones home. Consider it a stepping stone to a better furture. This will be a temporary thing. Life will get better - you just need to take that first step. It will be hard so brace yourself & just get on with what clearly needs to be done.
Pure stupidity on my part. I
Pure stupidity on my part. I probably would have qualified for the refinance on my own. Hindsight is certainly 20/20 - if I had it to do over again, I'd have let him file bankruptcy on his outstanding debts and keep our finances totally separate. His argument was "when you're married, your finances should be combined." And it was great when he was actually working - we pulled down a nice income between both of us. Who knew he'd decide to get canned and sit on his ass forever.
Community property states are
Community property states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.
In these states anything brought to the marriage is separate property and anything obtained during the marriage is community property and theoretically is split equally. Separate property is just that, separate, and stays with the one who brought it to the marriage or inherited it during the marriage.
Non community property states use similar distribution criteria as community property states with the focus on equitable or equal division of any assets not brought to the marriage by each partner.
All states have slight variances in property law so get an attorney.
You may be able to preserve your equity in your home that was accrued prior to your marriage and with the housing market crash your STBX may have no claim on your home since there may not be any market growth.
Get an attorney. Talk to your friends who may know of a good attorney or use your employers legal EAP benefits which often provide legal referral and free initial consult benefits.
Good luck and best regards,