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A Most Horrible Email!

purplehaze's picture

So my fiance received this letter back before Thanksgiving and it really hurt me that this brat thinks so lowly of me. Regardless, I can voice a comeback on every paragraph she wrote. Just wanted to post this and see what others thought. I have several posts on here about his 2 daughters and their terrible attitudes towards me. This has been going on for the last 5 yrs. and Im just sick and tired of them treating their father like shyt! Sooo here goes......

In case you did not hear your voicemail, I will make things clear for you. I hope you fully understand this because I am not saying anything else.
You are verbally and mentally abusive. You tell me things like I am ungrateful; that my sister and I are snakes, that I am childish and also that I am immature. You have called Liz and me bitches before and you have also said that I am book smart, yet I lack common sense. If you do not believe any of these things, it is probably because you don’t want to remember them or that you simply say them so much that you have lost track of who you tell this to. Dad, these insults are just a few of the things you have yelled to me on the phone or in person. I cannot keep count of them all because it hurts too much and I think my heart has just chosen to block them out. All of these things combined add up to a lot of pain. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried because of the mean things you’ve said to me. The fact that you have put the priority of a woman before your own flesh and blood has hurt me to no end. 
When you said that you helped me out with a car, paid my phone bill, gave me money for Greece, gave me money from your taxes, and moved me to and from college, I expressed my gratitude to you. I always have. What I don’t understand is why you would keep reminding me that you did all of these things for me. But remember, I worked hard for the other half of the car, I paid my phone bill in high school, Beto also helped by giving me $1500 to go to Greece, your claiming me on your taxes ALSO benefited you, and you never visited me in college, yet you always wanted me to bring Aunt Sherry up for the holidays. Parents do things for their children UNCONDITIONALLY. They do not expect anything in return except love and thanks. I have NEVER asked you for money in college except for these 5 occasions. That’s because I never expected money from you. I earned scholarships and grants to put my way through school so that I wouldn’t have to answer to anyone, and that includes my parents. When you said that I was ungrateful for those things, you were wrong. I know plenty of people from college that take their parents and their parents’ money for granted. Can you honestly say I have manipulated you for money? No, you can’t.
Not talking to you for the past two months has made me sad but it has also made me stronger. I have not cried since I last spoke to you. I have missed you, but I have only missed the father from my childhood. Dad, you were my hero. I looked up to you so much. I know that you and Mom used to fight a lot but I still loved you no matter what happened between you two. I wish I had that Dad back but I guess I never will. Time changes people. I want you to know that I am your daughter and I always will be but I am no longer a child. I can see the reality of your and Mom’s failed marriage and but I blame both of you equally. Also, you really ought to get that crazy idea out of your head that you and Melissa have come up with that I am trying to get you and Mom back together. I am not trying to do that so really, this idea ends now.
I know that you had a screwed up childhood and a terrible mother and I understand why you handle situations the way that you do. I just wish you would change your ways so that you don’t end up like her, old and alone. What is not fair is that even though you have a daughter that graduated with SUMMA CUM LAUDE HONORS, you refuse to take her opinions about people and reality. Dad, I just wish you would listen to me sometimes when I tell you that you need help. You truly have issues that you need to talk about. You have got to get some help for your anger and the way you treat people. You reacted quite severely on the phone and I have to tell you, that is not normal. No one has ever yelled at me the way that you do. I mean come on, you were practically screaming on the phone. You have been like this for as long as I remember. I think you are in denial but Dad, wake up. Are you happy when you tell me those hateful things? Have you ever resolved anything by yelling, punching walls, flipping over tables and chairs, or getting in mine or Liz’s faces???
When I said that Melissa has brainwashed you, I meant it. You have turned into a person that I don’t even know anymore. You are okay with living in a filthy house. If you don’t believe me, just look at the way she keeps her car. It’s filthy and you’re usually the one cleaning it out when I come over. The house ceiling has this brownish taint to it from smoking and junk food is constantly left out. The dogs piss and shit everywhere. This is not the Dad I know. No one is perfect but I know that you used to live in a house 110% cleaner than what it is now. 
Whenever I come to visit, she always throws a fit and makes it a point to be pissed that I am over there. I can remember two occasions when you asked if I would like to stay for dinner and that pissed her off and she would not eat with us in the dining room. She just sat and pouted on the couch. Its reasons like this that I cannot stand Melissa. I can hear you two arguing when you tell her to be nice and she refuses. On another occasion I came home for the holidays and cleaned the house and asked that you not smoke in the house while I was there because the smoke gives me headaches. She lit one up right in front of me and you two had a big argument. And yet, I did not say anything. And you know what? I got a cold from her smoking in the house. And remember recently when I went to get my oil changed and you offered to pay? She went through your bank account on the phone while I was sitting right next to you and raised hell that you paid for me. I did not ask for you to pay and not once did I expect it. Whenever we drove to Cricket later that day she was constantly calling your phone and arguing with you. All I wanted was to spend a little time with my Dad and I couldn’t even have that.
These are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your girlfriend’s hate and disdain for your daughters. Perhaps one of the first reasons I stopped liking her is because she lied to me and told me that you were working when you were supposed to be driving to Starkville in 2007 for my orientation at MSU. Dad, I paid about $100-200 bucks for us to do that orientation together and she kept you from going. And when I asked you where you were, you told me that she got fucked up and you had to take care of her. That should have told me right there that she was a selfish person and that her needs mattered above everyone else’s.
She controls you to the point that she has to be around whenever I visit you. When I ask you to go out to eat or to go places you tell me Melissa has to be there or else you can’t go. Why can’t it ever just be me and you? I know that she goes tons of places with just her sons so I don’t understand why you can’t go out with Liz and me. 
I lost you about 5 years ago. She is constantly seeking your attention. She plays this helpless victim to manipulate you and it has worked for many years now. She has suckered you in. When I try to spend time with you it’s impossible. If you haven’t noticed, she constantly has to know what you’re doing and where you are. She has slowly but surely been pushing me out of the picture and that is clear. I mean when have we gone to dinner? Can you tell me??? 
Basically, you have put her needs and wishes above those of your daughters. You support her and her kids, you do what she wants, and you have made her happiness a priority. For all of these things I blame you. She has been terrible to me and I resent her for those things, but I blame you for letting it happen. I blame you that you made the choice to continue to date her. And because you have chosen her time and again, I expect that you always will. Melissa is a bitch and constantly in need of your attention but I blame you for putting her above your daughters. 

If you believe nothing I have said is true then the situation is much worse than I thought. If you want to talk about this like an adult, you can email me.. I will not be taking any calls from you because I will not deal with your yelling on the phone ever again. Also, don’t email me if all you have to do is bitch me out because I will delete your email.

sandye21's picture

"If you want to talk about this like an adult, you can email me.." That tells it all, doesn't it? Her diatribe sounds as if it were coming from a 5 year old. And considering the "SUMMA CUM LAUDE HONORS", this STILL sounds like a 5 year old. For such an education her writing abilities are STILL that of a small child. But I want to thank you for allowing me to take a glimpse into the mind of an entitled, spoiled, narcissistic SD - like mine. It only shows me that there is little hope of ever having (or wanting) a relationship with SD. Good for you that your DH supports you and will not leave you at home to accommodate SD.

purplehaze's picture

She doesnt correspond with me at all!! She treats her poor father terribly and all because he is with me. Lord knows Ive tried my best to be good to those girls, but its pointless! They dont care and thats obvious! I am the one who lended my fiance 2800.00 for her a car, but I never bring that up. He, on the other hand, has reminded her of that, and all she says is "well, you paid her back" Geez!!!!

purplehaze's picture

He visited her 2 or 3 times, and on all occasions, acted awful. And yes, we were supposed to go to the orientation (I would probably sit in a hotel room), but I was sick, so he was taking care of me, and he didnt go. Of course, thats my fault in her eyes. My fiance wasnt too keen on going anyway and I knew that. She graduated college this past April and told her dad I couldnt come to the graduation, so I had to stay in a hotel room which totally sucked!! I cried most of the time. But I did tell my fiance to go without me, that I would be fine, but he decided himself not to make the trip.

purplehaze's picture

About 4 yrs. ago, the SD came over and took my fiance outside and asked him this...."Do you think theres any chance of you and Mom getting back together?" My fiance said "absolutely not, I would never put myself in that situation ever again." This is why we figured it had to do with her parents splitting up, (her saying that)

thefunmommy's picture

It's for this reason, that I WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS attempt to bring my SM and/or my father in the same room with my mother.

Agreed. I didn't even have my mother and father in the hospital at the same time after DD9mos was born. They haven't spoken since before their divorce was finalized a few years ago. I DO NOT want to open that can of worms. Not in an intimate situation like that. The only time I might consider having the two of them at the same event at the same time would be DDs birthday parties, or my wedding (If that ever happens. SO is basically my DH, but after his XW cheated and going through divorce, I don't think he ever wants to get married again. Just a piece of paper anyway.) My stepdad lives in Michigan, so who knows if he'd be able to attend a birthday. He'd make the effort for a wedding, but again that's kind of an if.

Beenthere-Hated it's picture

You ask a really great question! I agree with you- you are thinking critically about the ENTIRE pictire

sandye21's picture

"Do you think theres any chance of you and Mom getting back together?" With a question like this it seems like desperapte measures have followed. Daddy doesn't do as the Princess wishes and there will be hell to pay. If you questioned any parent they would say there were things they wish they had done differntly but to save the 'list' for emotional blackmail is sick. Do you think you will immune to your daughter 'telling you about yourself' one day?

purplehaze's picture

I totally agree with that, but what she is referring to is the 12 yrs. her mom and my fiance were married. According to him, they fought alot, and she pushed his buttons so much that instead of hitting her, he would hit walls, objects, etc. It was an unhealthy relationship for all of them, I believe. Yes, he has screamed at her before, I think its because of the things she says to him. My fiance's X was an alcoholic, a druggie for a period of time, and cheated on him numerous times. She is from Mexico, and long ago she told him the only reason she married him was to gain citizenship into this country. And I firmly believe that!

purplehaze's picture

Me and my fiance do know this much....the nother is playing a big big role in the SD's behavior. I dont know why though, I think maybe jealousy toward me, just not sure. This same stuff also happened before I came into the picture. My fiance had a gf for 2 yrs. and they finally managed to run her off. They did treat her badly.

purplehaze's picture

Yes, she has resentment toward her dad for them splitting up, but her mom is the one who actually filed for divorce, and afterward they had reconciled a few times. But my fiance took her to court and proved her an unfit mother, so he got the house and she had to move. And when she gets to drinking, she is the type person who thinks they know it all! She is so obnoxious!!! And mean!! But yes, my fiance had anger issues from what I was told. I was also told that he has gotten so much better in the last few years at handling his anger which is a good thing.

sandye21's picture

"There is a lot of misplaced anger directed at the wrong people and for the wrong reasons." Agreed. And it looks like most of the 'misplaced anger' is targeted at the SM who had nothing to do with all of the accusations. And isn't 'screaming' subjective? You have to admit her commetns about SM are uncalled for.

purplehaze's picture

Absolutely not! I have lived here 2 years and when I got here, this place was filthy. My fiance had moved out briefly and let his x have the house. She totally trashed this place. After she left, he spent a week cleaning it just so it was livable. This house is 40 yrs. old or better, and not in the best shape in my opinion. Everything in here is old, the paint, wallpaper, floors etc. I hate it! And we have 3 dogs, my fiance has 2 male poodles who have obviously never been taught not to pee in the house, they would piss on everything!!! I couldnt stand it, so we bought an enclosure for them so this wouldnt happen anymore. The SD wouldnt know that though, because she hasnt been over here in a very long time. My fiance and I both smoke, but if anybody comes here that doesnt, then we will respect their wishes and not smoke. But my fiance is messy I will say that much. LOL! But i keep a nice home and many people have told me the place looks great since I moved here. I have it decorated nice and keep things tidy and neat. She has came over her in the past and mentioned that the house looked like shit.

purplehaze's picture

But I will totally admit to my faults as well. I havent been perfect in this by no means, but I have made so many attempts to be kind and respectful and try to keep things on a friendly level, but it doesnt work with them. They would rather be my enemy, and after so many times of it, my attitude toward them has changed for the worst. And its not normal for me to be that way. They think if they alienate their father, then he will leave me. I really dont know what the future holds. But she is right about the paragraph she wrote about me smoking in the house. I was furious about that because she didnt even live here and it was never an issue with her in the past. And the paragraph about me lying to her, thats untrue! I had not even spoke to her father that evening in question, so I assumed he was still working and thats what I told her. I dont know why she would think i would lie about that. Very silly if you ask me!

cant win for losin's picture

...............>"I'm not going to 'nice' my way to a better situation with them."

LOVE IT! describes me perfectly. gonna borrow this. Smile

Beenthere-Hated it's picture

You are mean (No stepping stone) Check yourself before you wreck yourself

donna123's picture

There is no chance this email is even remotely appropriate to send to your dad. The daughter is acting like a jealous manipulative mother scolding her wayward son and laying down the law about how things are going to be around here if he continues on with that purplehaze.

Daughter feels like she is being displaced and replaced in her father’s life and rather than addressing that issue she tossed out a bunch of red herrings, such as the state of your house, your smoking, etc. all things that are none of her business, likely huge exaggerations but more importantly have nothing to do with anything under discussion which is her fear and jealousy. BM absolutely has a hand in it.

The fact is your upcoming marriage IS going to change their relationship with their father and rightfully so. Just as their marriages will change their father’s relationship to them. That is what life is all about. Successful families are able to navigate those changes that are continuous throughout life without resorting to freeze outs.

Her sending the email was the wrong way to go about it and her coming from on high like she did is condescending and insulting. Your husband can acknowledge that daughter has legitimate concerns for time alone with him, to discuss their feelings and work out past grievances but their alone time won’t be used as an opportunity to shred you and do everything in her power to destroy your relationship. And, she is his daughter, not his superior and she doesn’t get a vote in who he marries.

She is an adult, living on her own and she can learn to get along with you and vice versa or not. But it has to be a two way street of respectful communication, not the emotional blackmail she used.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with this. All of it.

When I am dealing with difficult situations with my dad and SM, I find that dealing with it directly and politely is the best option as opposed to beating around the bush and throwing out accusations that I know deep in my heart are false.

If she has issues with how he's acted in the past that she really wants to get resolved, she could have emailed him about them without shredding you. And like Donna said, your DH can acknowledge that she has legitimate concerns about her feelings about her future relationship with him, and about being replaced by you. He needs to make clear that this can and needs to be done in a way where you don't get shredded. If he wants to take her out to lunch or dinner sometimes, just the two of them, that's fine. But he needs to shut her down the minute she starts bashing you. There are polite ways of resolving issues. Bashing someone never makes anything better for anyone. Instead, it only pits two parties against each other even more. Calmly and politely coming to either of you with issues she has will yield much better results for her than simply bashing you.

DH also needs to make it clear to her that parental love and spousal love are two completely different things, and he can feel equal amounts of love for both of you, but express them very differently. It's not a contest of who he loves more. He can love you both equally but very differently.

AVR1962's picture

It amazes me that "adult" children today feel they ahve this right to do this sort of thing! My SS did practically the same BS. How are you and your husband handling this? What was his response, anything? SS cut us off basically which in a big sense is a we don't have to deal with his cocky mouth, his lies and all his anger and hard feelings. There is a lot of growing up to do on the part of these very disrespectful young adults. I do hope they get everything they have dished out, in return 4 fold!

Not-the-mom's picture

OK, I know this won't be popular, but I think your DH's daughter writing him a letter is a GOOD THING!

It was crude, and full of "self pity" but she is inviting him to dialogue with him! She is making an attempt to work things out.

I have mentioned several times that I worked in Psychological Clinics, and the act of writing a letter to a parent was often suggested. It is ONE WAY to open up a dialogue between the child and the parent.

You and your DH may not agree with what she has said, nor how she has said it, but it could be beneficial for your DH to at least attempt to talk things out with her.

I would highly suggest your DH and his daughter do this alone with a THIRD PARTY - like a counselor or pastor, etc.

I WISH my DH's kids had done something like this, instead of being sneaky, two-faced and manipulative behind our backs. If they had at least been upfront and honest years ago, before their anger and resentment had built up so much there is little chance now of them getting rid of it.

I suggest your DH CAREFULLY write back to his daughter, and tell her he got her letter, and he has read it over carefully. IF he has called her names, he can apologize for doing that - even if she is all of those things. His apologizing is a concession he can make to try and make peace.

She began by writing her father, so she feels safest doing her communication this way, so it would be helpful if the father can return his answer via written form. Hopefully, in the future, they can meet face-to-face, with a third party.

There is a "formula" for writing a letter to his daughter. It is called "sandwiching".

Begin the letter with a lot of "I love you", "You are a special person to me", "I care about you a lot" etc....

Next get into the concerns. DO NOT NIT PICK about every issue. Just say that as a father it can be difficult to understand his daughers point-of-view sometimes. He is willing to try and work things out, but it will help if BOTH SIDES can try and see the position of the other.

End the letter with a lot of "I love you", and "I want for us to have a good relationship", etc.....

The negative news is "sandwiched" between the positive things.

If your DH does have childhood issues that are coming into play in how he relates to his daughter, it is important that he take responsibility for that. Not deny or avoid dealing with those issues on his own.

I hope this information has helped. I may not, but it is worth a try.

Good luck.'s picture

Here's a message I got, out of the blue, which was copied to my DH and SD20, from the SD31: Keep in mind the actual facts: I sent one (1) note to SD20 with a money order that read "I wish it was more, but they take $77 out of his check every week, love you." I am the one who urges him to send what she needs, and when I am made aware of it, I send it, no problem. We also live in another state; as far as her concern with our 2 vacations a year (hahaha), we went to Vegas last summer, my DH's friend paid for it, and it is the first vacation I had in 20 years! Our 2nd vacation is coming up; paid $180 for a condo in Myrtle Beach - great deal!!...Here goes:

Ok, yesterday I asked if my dad made any money down there. Not because I expect him to send it all to SD20 but because when she needs something it seems to be a battle. I am not saying he has to pay for everything in full but sometimes your children need help. They look to their parents for that help. Now I feel it all falls on my mothers shoulders and that is not right. The $77 ME keeps sending reminder notes about it back pay. That means my mom has already dished out more than enough money to support SD20 over the years. That $77 dollars does not go in SD20's hands it is child support not child income! My mom uses that to help with medical bills which with SD20's back surgeon the weekly co pay was $100-$200 a week. Also my mom buys her clothes, food, pays her insurance when she needs help, she gives her a home to live in. My mom did all this without getting any money for a long time. You say she got your taxes one year never happened!! You should look into that! My point here is when my sister asks for money it is because she really needs it. She does not need to be reminded that my mom gets money from my that should be what pays for her insurance. My dad has children. He never had to pay for me is does have to pay for SD20. A child costs more than $77 dollars a week to support. Itnis not like SD20 is sitting on her ass doing nothing with her life. She works her butt off. She goes to school full time and she works full time. She even works through severe pain....because of being on her feel all day is not good for her back. So if she needs some help here and there that's because she deserves it! My mom does a dad can share the burden. For many years my mom floated this whole family...she supported my dad for years when there was no money coming in the house. So now you both are going to start throwing a $77 dollars a week payment in SD20's face?! I am pissed!!!!! You both go on 2 vacations a year. My mom has not been on one vacation!!! I will tell you this ME it is hard to appreciate something and say think you when everytime SD20 asked for help she is met with excuses....or when help does come it is sent with notes or reminders that she should be getting this money from my mom. I don't know if my dad has made you write those or not but since you are the one writing them it comes off on you. If my husband told me to remind his daughter that he sends money I would say no you remind her. This is between you, SD20 and BM!! Instead of fighting about the child support just pay it! And please know my mom is not living it up on the $77 you send her! It goes to ashley one way or the other. My mom just gave her $1700.00 to fix her car. Plus the many many many other things she helps SD20 with! So stop the reminders!! We know what you send and we know that my dad did not pay for many years even before the divorce. We don't need reminders we lived it....we know!!!! If things would have been paid when they should have been he would be done paying right now. This is back pay again meaning it already came out of my moms pocket think of this $77 a week as my dad paying back some I.o.u. Because my mom fronted the bill!! Maybe when all the bullshit stops you both will receive a thank you! I also have to we kinda do look at it like my dad owes us a bit. You don't know or understand our past and until you do I do not believe the comments are nessasary. It is not just about the money comments there is a lot of other shit. I do not just blame ME here dad you act cocky about the money also and I am sure you are behind ME writing stuff to SD20...maybe not everytime but I am sure it started with you somehow. Dad I know you told SD20 that if mom does not settle you will stop paying mom....that's one big reason I asked if you had money. $77 dollars is nothing and you can't send that?! If I were you I would send hand over your taxes every year until the debt is payed off. You only owe like $7000.00-$10,000.00. Call the court and ask what you owe. ME your family gets more of my dad than we do!! We are his blood! While I thankful he is a good grandpa and a good step dad to your family he can't not forget about his family in Michigan. Dad, We are sick of everytime you guys visit it has to be on a day when there is something else going on. Kill 2 birds with one stone right?! You do not come up unless there is a party or a reunion going on. So is the trip about family or a party? Please tell us we want to know! I do not blame cec when it comes to this at all!! I get upset about the money when it comes to ME. ME should relize the child support situation is not so cut and dry. Oh, another thing my mom wrote off 4 years of child support for my dad that he did not have to pay. Anyway at this point I am rambling....I had to get that out!

What do ya think?

Isolated's picture

Repulsive? I couldnt have said it better. One of my SD's, who is 25, has her own place, job, car, and life, told her Father that the thing that upset her most about him being with me was that he was using and I quote "our" resources, such as money, car fuel etc on me!" Even though SD is an adult and left the nest before her parents split, she still thinks that whatever money her Father earns and anything he buys with it is as much hers as it is his, and she resents the hell out of him for sharing it with his wife instead of her, her two adult syblings, AND their BM (who works full time herself). She didnt even have the tact to hide that little gem, just came straight out and said it!!!!