Confused........

Forums:

So I had a talk with SD11 over the weekend regarding her “not liking me”. If you read my post last week you will remember that this thing with her not liking me is fairly new, up until the past 4 months she “loved” me and told me so often, so our conversation went like this:

Me: SD, come here and sit with me for a minute, lets talk.

SD Sits: Ok What.

Me: Are you still on this kick of not liking me?

SD: I don’t like you.

Me: What have I done to make you not like me?

SD: Nothing, I don’t like you.

Me: Have I done something that you thought was mean and that’s why?

SD: No, I don’t like you.

Me: Have I done good things for you?

SD: Yes, you do lots of good things for me.

Me: Like what?

SD: You buy me clothes, you let me use your stuff, let me wear your jewelry, let me have friends over…lots of stuff.

Me: Do you like the things I do for you?

SD: Yes but I don’t like you.

Me: Is it maybe because your mom doesn’t like me, and so you think maybe its best if you don’t like me either.

SD: No, I don’t like you and I never have.

Me: Do you think maybe its because I married your dad and you don’t like that?

SD: Oh no I like it that you married my dad, I don’t like YOU.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Seems like there had to be a

Seems like there had to be a trigger. Perhaps it was the BM, maybe even a movie or something a friend said. I wonder if it's a phase.

I would stop doing the things she likes. When she asks why you haven't done xzy just reply "I don't like to anymore" if she presses "I just don't"

That might seem immature, but sometimes kids really need to feel how their words/actions make others feel to understand.

Not even a single iota of

Not even a single iota of sense. Maybe have DH talk to her? She might open up to someone other than you?

There are plenty of SMs who

There are plenty of SMs who dislike well behaved, respectful SKs. Sometimes people can't explain why have they feel certain way, they just do.

^^^^^this^^^^^^^....there are

^^^^^this^^^^^^^....there are plenty of people that I don't like..no rhyme or reason to it...I just don't....

DH has talked to her several

DH has talked to her several times but she says the same things to him that she does to me. She didn't come see us for almost 4 months with the excuse that she doesn't like me and it was all of a sudden. One day she was giving me a hug telling me "I love you, can't wait to be back here Thursday" and a couple of days later she was sending a text message to her dad telling him she wasn't coming back anymore because she doesn't like me. Now we know for a fact that BM bashes us both constantly, things have been hell with BM, and I really believe it has something to do with BM but I just cant get her to admit it. My real problem is that for a year and a half me and this child got along great, I felt as though I had a new daughter. My DD is 22 and no longer living at home and in the beginning when SD11 and I hit it off it was awesome and I "fell in love" with her. Now my heart hurts, I live in a house with 3 males and I miss my weekend girl time with her.

So start having weekend girl

So start having weekend girl time with a group of your peers. :?

Even if she came up with a reason for not liking you, what will that change?

Why would you even let an 11 year old know that her not liking you bothers you?

"I don't like you" saying

"I don't like you"

saying those words are not pollite (especially a child to an adult). You can feel however you feel but those words should have never came out of her mouth unless she was asked. Therefore, you should have never known.

Honestly, I'd tell her that I didn't like her behavior so all of those 'nice things' you do for her will stop.

Stop trying to win her over. It gives kids this crazy idea that they are the center of the universe which sets them up for failure in the real world. In the real world, if you're mean & say things like that to people - they stop doing things for you.

^^^^Well said!

It's rude if she is running

It's rude if she is running around the house saying I don't like you. However, if it is in response to the OP and/or her questioning her about it, then it isn't rude. The adults keep opening the door for the child to voice her feelings.

I do agree with you on this,

I do agree with you on this, I was not upset with her stating "I don't like you"...well I was but not as in mad or thinking it was rude. I opened the door for her to voice her feelings and I got what I asked for. I guess what has me the most confused is if she all of a sudden now does not like me how can she say she DOES like it that I married her dad? If i did not like someone I sure as heck would not want that person married to my dad...

My SD13 likes that I am with

My SD13 likes that I am with her dad because I make him happy. "You are less grumpy" she says lol. But she doesn't like me. She see's that I am good to her father and therefore is happy that he has me but has no interest in associating with me and I have no interest in her. And for some reason this works for us.

She doesn't have to like you. I only really see it as a problem if she is rude or disrespectful towards you. I agree with the others that you should stop doing extra things for her. It might seem to her like you are trying too hard. Do the normal mom things that you would normally do (laundry, cooking, homework help etc) but just don't do anything extra. She doesn't get girl time with you, doesn't get to have you paint her nails, no dressing up in jewellery and anything that goes above and beyond keeping the child fed, clothed and alive. It will be hard at first, but maybe she will notice and will start coming around. Don't shut her out or try and make her feel bad about it, shes still pretty young, just leave her be and let her grow and she will hopefully come around

OP would have never known &

OP would have never known & never had this conversation above if her SD hadn't all of a sudden pulled the "I'm not coming to visit because I don't like SM"

Hmmmm.... I'd give her a

Hmmmm.... I'd give her a reason not to like me after that conversation.
WHen she asks "why this or that?" Just say "Cause I don't have to do nice things for someone who doesn't like me."

More than likely, it has

More than likely, it has something to do with BM. Who knows what BM has told her about you, you may never know.

Regardless of the reason, I would stop doing anything for her.

All those things she likes

All those things she likes about you....stop doing them immediately.

Well perhaps your next

Well perhaps your next conversation can go like this:
You're words and actions are hurtful. If you don't like me fine, but I don't like being around people that openly don't like me. Why should I do all these wonderful and kind things for someone, but in the end they say they don't like me and might not ever like me? The answer is, I shouldn't do nice things for people that don't like me.
I guess if this 11 year old girl didn't like you before (so she says) then she really won't like you now. So why put energy into something that apparently won't change. Honestly, she's 11. She's probably just going through a phase. But if she is openly rude or disrespectful to you, and starts saying to you that she doesn't like you, then that's a problem that will need to change quickly.