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I am constantly amazed by

Notthedoormat's picture

the audacity of BM. 

DH was trying to reach oldest SK (26 yo) who was hospitalized and wasn't getting a response.  He was concerned so he texted BM to see if everything was ok (we're about 4.5 hours away). She called and apologized for not letting him know SK was released from the hospital at was at work.  I'm glad he told her it wasn't her responsibility to let him know, as he and I have talked about that recently and he's learning,  but slowly. 

Anyway,  they went on to talk about a procedure SD is having done in a month and BM said she was taking 2 weeks off work to help with SGKs. Then she ever so casually said she hadn't taken that much time off since they (meaning her, DH and kids) went to Disney World.  DH had told me about that was an effort he made to repair their marriage not too long before they divorced.  

Now, I'm not stupid.  I can deduce that she mentioned this because she wanted to remind DH of it.  I'm wondering if flames shot out of my ears when she said this. 

I didn't mention it to DH until the next evening, saying how it seemed like such an odd comment to make. Then I was interrupted with where I was going with the conversation when the phone rang.  

It will come up again, so my point will be made.

I'm just constantly in awe of the gumption of this woman.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I know we can't control everything our SO's do, but i would not put up with a lot of chattiness between DH and BM. It's one thing to call if there is an issue, like your DH did, but perhaps once he gets his answer he could then end the conversation as opposed to indulging BM's strolls down memory lane? As I said under a previous post, the fact that BM video calls your husband just to "hang out" when she has the grandkids would be something i would have a problem with. Maybe couples counseling could help you and your DH navigate boundaries with BM. It seems that with these adult skids they will always have "issues", and now with grandkids, DH and Bm need to learn how to be grandparents apart from each other. Like. Didn't the two of them deliver one of the SD's babies in a car together or something recently? That's over the top. 

Notthedoormat's picture

over the top!  They had been long divorced before we met and for years there was just so little contact that I didn't think anything of it.  

DH tells me that he thinks it not normal, so I'm not sure exactly how to navigate.  It seems to me he's scared to set boundaries with BM because it *might* impact contact with sgks if he pisses her off.  I don't think he fully understands how badly it effects me and our relationship,  though.  I feel slighted all too often.  

I see a counselor. I had mentioned couples counseling a couple of years ago and at first he agreed then he backed out, but I've been going ever since and it's helped me a lot, just being told I'm not over reacting when something upsets me.

I have gotten so much good feedback here, too. I appreciate it so much. And hearing what everyone else has been through really does help me.

When this happens,  I try to remind myself that BM is obviously jealous and maybe regrets that she divorced DH. But that's not my problem. And if for some reason he did decide the grass is greener in her yard, I can't control that, either. And I don't want to.  I'm just gobsmacked at the things that can happen,  honestly.  And BM seems to be an expert in cultivating opportunities,  even as far away as she is.  I should probably just laugh at her desperate measures and carry on.

Rags's picture

"Your cowardly repeated failure to establish boundaries with your X and to keep her there will eventually end our marriage if you do not get it fixed and fixed immediately and permanently.  Any questions?"

BM's jelousy and regret is irrelevent.  Stop giving her any space in your head at all. And stop giving her space in your life and marriage.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If your husband didn't have to set boundaries in the past, maybe because he didn't need to, it is probably all new to him. But he really needs to. 

JRI's picture

BM gave up custody of her 3 kids and we raised them here.  Before I got burned by her, I was willing to discuss her kids by phone.  I realized she wanted to know how they were doing, I would if I were she.  After we stopped communicating, she'd call DH at work.  Sometimes he mentioned it. It didn't bother me more than she already bothered me.  Especially once I realized she wasn't interested in him anymore altho I thought she might have initially regretted leaving him when times were tough.

Once the SKs launched, she'd still call him whenever one of them was going thru a rough patch.  I guess with her new DH disengaged and no grandparents on either side, he was the only person she could vent to.

She's dead now but my point is this went on as long as she was alive.  At one family function, she even started to vent to me about SD.  It never ends.

Winterglow's picture

Be the voice from the background,  Loudly say (loud enough for her to hear); "Gawd, is that woman still rabbiting on?"

Notthedoormat's picture

And DH agrees it's a headache.  He tells me that he should have to ask his ex to find out what's going on with his kids. I've suggested he just wait it out because his bios will eventually call him. 

He honestly feels left out of their lives, but they don't live as fully functioning adults yet, so...he worries, especially about grands. 

I'm hoping this continues to improve over time.  It has gotten better, but it's been a huge learning experience for both of us and it continues to be.

I just wish she'd find a new boyfriend and move on with her life.