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Lost my BS (8) and Hell with SD (30) continues

swampedmom's picture

Sadly, I lost my BS (8) in a car accident on 1/10/18. His Stepmom was turning left and got hit by two trucks racing. My BS (8) and his half brother (1) died at the scene. My heart is more than broken but shattered. I will never be the same. I have been in a numb fog ever since. DH has been attentive for the most part but was not able to take off much time and life has to go on. SD (30) made a brief appearance at the 2nd memorial and the only thing she said to me was "you were a good mom to him". So heartless. No consoling no hug no nothing. This after DH told her to talk to me. Haven't heard from her since. Well, she delivered her third baby Thursday, GK #3. DH has been MIA since. Blood is indeed thicker than water no matter what happens. I can't be all happy cooing and such over a baby from SD 30 when I just lost my own child. DH and I had plans for tomorrow but now I must go alone because of his Grandchildren. Life looks very bleak and sad for me. My therapist told me Eli's (my son)death would shake things up. She even called DH out on his daughter's manipulation and non stop taking and never giving. It makes no difference. I am just heart broken. I have cut off all contact with SD and now that includes SGKs. It's the only way I can survive. The oldest SGK is 7, one year younger than my BS, Eli.

CANYOUHELP's picture

You do whatever it is you need to do for YOU. Your DH, is like most of ours; they live in a self created family fantasy world whereby he allows his own kids to even disrespect him. He allows it, he will allow them to treat you this way too. I know, it is hard to accept; I still struggle with this being my reality, but it is and there is zero I can do to make a difference. But...I can stay away from the insane situation. No longer will I be a party to anything going on within this sickness and extreme jealousy. You are going through emotions that are unimaginable, in addition to dealing with a catering DH, who is looking out for himself. You do not have to deal with any of this if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Stay away from ANY misery, why would anybody seek it? You are entitled to all of your feelings now and please do everything in your power to protect yourself. You are your number one priority. So sorry for you loss, words are not enough.

notasm3's picture

Not only am I so so sorry for your loss there is part of me that wants to rip your Dh’s Balls off except that they have Already been removed by the POS sd.

You do not HAVE to do anything with the SD and her spawn ever. Her children are innocent but that does not mean that you have to deal with them.

swampedmom's picture

Yes,I am seeing a counselor and going to a grief group. Just putting one foot in front of the other. Thanks.

sandye21's picture

So sorry and feel just awful for you. Was Eli your only child? I agree with Canyonhelp - do whatever is needed for yourself first and foremost. Detach from SD and DH for the time being. Let them float along in their heartless worlds. Keep going to your counselor. And keep coming to us - we are here for you. (((BIG HUGS)))

SacrificialLamb's picture

This is just a horrendous situation and I am so sorry.

Do you think your DH is not sure how to handle this difficult situation, and a new baby from SD30 is an easier diversion? It's just a thought.

Unfortunately you are right - your life has changed in an instant and will never again be the same.

But I would not expect sympathy from SD30. A few years ago it would have been my deceased brother's, my only sibling's, 50th birthday and the day was hard for me. He died at 20 and it was an ugly accident. DH asked his DD's to send me a nice message on that birthday, but OSD even used that situation to stick it to me because everything is about her. There is nothing about her that could make me want to be in her presence again.

I hope you have a counselor to help you through these difficult times. Be clear with your DH with what you need from him - he may be unsure. And write off SD30 and expect nothing from her.

Indigo's picture

Grieving is personal & seems to come in waves, sometimes. We get a few hours with our head above water, then maybe a few days ... Let yourself grieve.

Write in a journal, perhaps ... special memories, brillant snapshots in your mind of this totally amazing youngster you were gifted to know.

Try not to fuss over DH. SD, SGS ... that is background chatter.

notarelative's picture

My heart breaks for you. No words can ease your pain.

There is a grief group for parents named Compassionate Friends. My brother and sister in law found it very helpful after my nephew died suddenly from an unknown medical condition.

Llilac1's picture

I am so sorry for the lost of your little love. I cannot imagine what you are feeling. I wish I could hug you tight. I have a son and I just cannot imagine.

I had a loss right before dh and I got married and it almost broke us up. I was very angry and ready to blame anyone AND just wanted to be alone. Not to mention the fact that my husbands sympathy only lasted so long.

Do you have family you can visit or stay with for a period of time? You need some love. Not half as$ed love, but real sympathetic love to figure out where to go next.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Firstly, I am so sorry for the passing of your Eli. What an unimaginable loss.

We have a member here named Sammi who lost both of her sons in a car crash some years ago, and she too has had to contend with a difficult adult SD and a spouse who refuses to deal with his daughter. Sammi is a wonderful, wise woman who has survived and thrived despite these issues, and you will, too. (((hugs)))

Between us, my DH and I have experienced a lot of loss, including the death of his son at eighteen. These tragedies definitely make me see life in terms of "Before" and "After", and they've also shown me how little my husband's relatives care about me. Take note of who does and doesn't support you in this dark time, and don't forget.

Lastly, I'm sorry your DH is so insensitive. Many men just dont know HOW to be supportive. Is he going to grief counseling with you? Hopefully he will get his fill of the new gbaby this weekend and remember that his place is by your side.

sammigirl's picture

Exjuliemccoy: You are so right, when you state, that most men don't know how to handle this type of situation. It is very difficult for men, because they try to understand us, but seem to women to be so not sensitive. My DH is very sensitive, but never shows it.

My DH will move towards the happy part of the day and completely ignores any problematic issues of the day. I think this is not surprising. It used to make me mad, but then on the other side of the coin, it tends to help me at times, if I don't have to deal with any further negativity.

I am truly hurtful for OP's loss. It is horrible. Bless her.

sammigirl's picture

I understand your grief and am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my two teen sons in an auto accident. They were my only two bio's. It was years ago; my SD57 is also a self centered, hateful, and "all about me" person. What your SD30 is and what she does, you have no control over; but you do have control over your own thinking. Believe me your SD is not worth your health. She is like most SD's on this site; she is jealous and hates you for making her Dad happy. Ignore and stay away from her.

The grief is astronomical and will be for a long time, let yourself grieve in your own way. Try very hard to stay away from this stress with your SD. You will need to begin your life from this day forth. I try to never live in the past or dwell on what could have been. It will never change the fact of your loss. Keep in mind that nobody will ever feel what you are feeling and most everyone will never understand the heartbreak.

Building your life around people that love and cherish you is the only answer. I have done this. My DH was supportive, but, as expected, never feels the pain that I felt and still feel. I retired from my career, have more hobbies than I can ever accomplish, have made new friends, and intend to continue making new friends. I keep myself so busy, I can't tell you what day it is. I have bad days now and then, but mostly I have a new life. My marriage survived our loss and I have had many hurdles since. I am stubborn, determined, and love life. Please stick with your therapist, grief counseling, and stay here for support.

One thing you will hear; time will heal and you will get over it. NOT. You will learn to accept and live with your loss with time, but you will never get over the loss. Your son would have wanted for you to move forward, he would have wanted you to be happy; do it for him. This is what I do. My teen sons would have moved forward without me, I know that.

God Bless you. (((hugs)))

still learning's picture

This must be so hard for you. I am truly sorry for the loss of your son while simultaneously dealing with ridiculous step issues. Do what you need to do to care for yourself and focus on the memory of your precious angel.

Thumper's picture

I am so sorry to read that your son Eli died. Oh my goodness. I do not have any words.

Regarding cutting certain people off who cause OR have caused you pain such as sd30. I don't blame you. I would do the same.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I am so sorry!!! I helped at an accident a week ago where a four year old and her dad didn't make it Sad It was so sad and it wasn't even my child. It tore DH up... (he was there too, we were first on the scene until the EMTs could get there) I can't even imagine the pain you're facing. I worry a lot about the girl's surviving siblings that were in the accident and how they must be feeling.

Sending so many hugs your way! Ignore your SD and mourn how YOU NEED. I'm so sorry!!

ESMOD's picture

I am so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your relationship with your SD wasn't particularly close before this. I'm not sure that I would have expected her to be more comforting given your relationship. The fact that she did at least come and said something nice may be all that can be expected.

Please also try to keep in mind that she didn't purposefully plan this situation and her pregnancy to make your life harder or to hurt you.

I wish your husband could be there for you more, but he may just not know what to do or say in such a heartbreaking situation. I hope you can understand that he would be understandably happy about his granchild's birth and that your loss doesn't necessarily make that mean he can't be happy about his own gain. Maybe that's why he is trying to give you space since he knows you would have a hard time seeing him happy over something when you can't.

Again, your going through a heart breaking time and I am so sorry for the loss of your son and hope you will find peace.

marblefawn's picture

I am very sorry about your son, Eli. Please take care of yourself, swampedmom. As much as possible, we are all thinking of you and pulling for you.

barbKarin's picture

I am so sorry. I read about this accident. I am heartbroken for you. I know the pain of losing a child all too well.

HSPSecondWife's picture

Swampedmom, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It is unimaginable and something no parent should have to endure.

I don't know how it feels to lose my child but I do know how it feels to lose my nephew. I watched (and still watch) my brother go through the grief of losing his oldest son, 6 and a half years ago. He was only 13 when he died, very unexpectedly. This April would have been his 20th birthday.

Only bereaved parents can truly understand the depth of that grief and exactly what you're grieving along with the loss of your son. I do hope you find support where you can, when you need it. My brother and sister-in-law joined a support group for bereaved parents and it helped them along the grieving process.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Remember that grief is a journey, not a destination, and you go on your time.

jam's picture

My heart breaks for you. I am so very sorry for your loss. I do understand how it feels as it will be 23 years ago this April that I lost my 17 year old son. You never really get over it. You just learn to live with the loss. Again, I am truly sorry.

Ignore your sd. Please don't allow her to bring you down. You have enough to deal with right now.

My skids are so self centered. Everything seems to be about them. Shortly after I married my dh, my sweet sister-n-law asked me about the loss of my son. We were in the presence of my msd. My msd interrupted my response to sister-n-law and went into how hurt she was when an acquaintance passed away. She just had to bring the focus back to herself.

I send a hug and a prayer.

bedazzled's picture

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I lost my mother and brother both this last year. You really find out who is there for you.
I would just ignore your SD and kids also. You need to take care of you. I also agree that DH might not know how to handle it but, that does not make your pain any less. Come here and vent, we all will be here for you. I am also glad you have a therapist to talk to also. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I wish I could hug you also.

Rags's picture

I have no personal similar experience to fall back on or to reference in trying to comfort you in your loss.

Only my childhood memories and now lifetime observations of my parents‘ grief in losing a child.  My youngest brother passed away when I was 8yo.  He was 10mos old.  It was devastating to experience even as a young child.  I have seen my father cry a very few times in my life. The first was accompanying him to the US Embassy to fill out the paperwork registering my brother’s death and turning in his passport.  My US Marine father sobbed at the counter when he turned in the baby’s Passport.  Mom could’t do it and was home with my  2yo brother.

I never saw my mother cry then.

She internalized it for many years.  When I left for boarding school 7 years later my mom had major bouts of anxiety and depression.  Her Psychologist attributed it to her internalized grief and not traveling the cycle of grief when my brother died which was all resurrected  when I left  for school.

I wasn't present to see her journey of recovery but my younger brother and my dad have described it as the most difficult experience they ever went through.  They were helpless to help her. My mom is an incredible and strong woman but trying to be the rock for my dad, myself and my younger brother who was two when the youngest died denied her the grief she needed to work through when she/we lost Ray.

We have all had a great life over the 45 years since  we lost Ray.  Mom still has occasional anxiety attacks and bouts of depression and mom and dad have quiet and teary dinners with laughter and smiles  with just the two of them on Ray’s birthday.  I visit his grave every decade or so when I am near our family church.  I have never forgotten my brother and have a picture on my desk at work of Ray in my mom’s lap a few months before he died.  In the picture my beautiful mother is a young woman of 27 having a serene moment with her youngest son.

Though my brother does’t remember Ray  he did live  my moms sadness and was a big part of her recovery from anxiety and depression.

My youngest nephew was born on Ray’s birthday within minutes of the same time. I believe that  is when my mom healed, when my parents were in each other’s arms sobbing with joy, sorrow and grief.  I believe my mom truly healed at that moment.  

I read your post shortly after you shared it.  I didn’t know what to say and I don’t know how to help other than to share my parents story.  We had my brother for not very long but we all have lived the love we all shared every moment since we lost him.

Take care of you. Grieve, morn, and live the love of the memories you have.  It has worked for my parents.

Now  I have to find a new box of tissue and shred another dozen or so copies of my man card.