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#3 SGK due in a month, no end in sight

swampedmom's picture

My SD (30) only child from H*LL is due to have her third son next month. They have 4 kids already (one being a SD13) DH is on stand by waiting to swoop in to take care of SD and SGK. Oddly enough he tells me she is so tired, overburdened and etc, POOR BABY! He tells me this like I should feel sorry for her and do something. Then DH tells me he asked her this past weekend if that is it, is she going to have more kids? She says "Maybe, I don't know. For sure I don't want to get my tube tied. I would have to take hormone replacements then". HUH???

I think she is pining for a sweet little girl she can treat like her mini me and dote on like the princess she has always been. Never mind that SD is so impatient and crappy with her current children. She has extravagant tastes, MAC make up and MK purses and new car. She needs to "borrow" money from DH for son's glasses, to fix her new car and now oldest GSK has learning issues she never addressed for years and needs private tutoring. She is failing in taking care of the existing children.
She also uses these children as pawns to tug on DH heartstrings. SD is 30 years old and consults her daddy instead of her own DH on most things. It is unhealthy!!! The late night facetiming alone drives me crazy!!! GSK 2 whines, cries and throws fits the entire time. She keeps them up until 11pm and then sleeps until noon the next day. This same SGK 2 is still sleeping in their bed. Ummmm, with a month to go until next child you may want him to start sleeping in his own bed. Lazy parenting. From her Facebook posts you'd think she is so put upon having all these kids one moment with her posts of being exhausted but then the next post is their beaming faces posing for selfies saying Grandpa and Grandma (BM not me) we love you.

So, with 4 kids already in the mix this may keep on going. What happened to having the family size you can afford? DH will have to get a second job or never retire to keep up this charade. It's like supporting another household.

swampedmom's picture

DH says "Well, she is my daughter and I will always be there for her".
I say she is a spoiled, selfish only child who was raised to be entitled manipulating witch.

twoviewpoints's picture

I didn't ask when you mentioned in your previous post, but I'm going to now.

You said DH (pre-you) took a leave of absence and went and stayed NINE MONTHS with his daughter? Is her husband not around (military maybe?) or a group of females friends that could help SD out around the house?

I can't say I have ever heard of a grandfather taking off for nine months to race off and hold a grown child's hand, er, help for such a length of time. Maybe if his daughter was terminally ill type situation, but having a baby? Yeah, I did read that baby was premature, but still.

As to the question of " What happened to having the family size you can afford?", looks like finances isn't something this daughter will have to ever worry about. She's got her Daddy.


I have helped my adult children on occasion, but it's because I wanted to and asked if I could pay for this or that. It was never expected of me nor ever asked of me. With me, it's more meh, why not. I can afford it and it's my kids who are going to end up with whatever DH and I have left in the end anyway, so yeah, I enjoy helping out now occasionally. What I do is in no way affecting Dh/my retirement or lifestyle ability in our retirement.

swampedmom's picture

No, SD's DH is not military or anything. He is there. She is just REALLY Needy. I have never heard of a grandpa taking 9 months off either for a premature grandchild. Then, when she was due with SGK #2 she asked her dad if he'd be there again if this one was premature too. Why keep chancing it by having premature children? (SGK #1 was born at 24 weeks and has significant problems she doesn't deal with as it is.) And he says of course.??? He sees it as the antithesis of love, not a crazy enmeshed relationship. And since I do not see it as just love and devotion for a child there must be something wrong with me? I am cold hearted and unloving.

Never mind that she has her entire BM family there (who think the world revolves around her) and her DH entire family there too. It will be like a 3 ring circus in that hospital.

Yes, the birth of a child is special, but come on! It happens everyday!

mommadukes2015's picture

My previous DCP had her daughter premature. Since we live an hour north of the best hospital there is for providing for the needs of a premie in the area, she had to return home after she was discharged without her baby (which must be incredibly difficult), because she has other kids and needed work because she needed the income. THAT is school of hard knocks. If she can manage to get through that, the I don't see any reason why a grandparent would need to take 9 months off from work/their lives for their child's baby. This screams co-dependence.

PS. DCP's baby ended up being an incredibly smart, happy and healthy little girl-just incase anyone was wondering Smile

swampedmom's picture

Glad to hear she is ok Mommadukes. I am sure it can be rough going.

DH says everyday SGS's life was hanging in the balance so he HAD to be there. I can't imagine what my employer would say if I suggested such a thing. The SGS now has learning disabilities and many surgeries as a result and DH contributes for this as well. He seems to take on the responsibilities of her husband. I would think by this point SD's DH would be jealous of their enmeshed relationship. I know I am.

queensway's picture

Your husband is enabling your SD to live the life she is living. She is a grown adult and he is treating her like she is in high school. Always there to pick up the pieces after she screws up. The difference now she is bringing children into the world that she can't take of herself. She is very selfish. When you become a mother your children come first over your needs. I see nothing ever changing in your situation because your DH is playing a dual role. A father to her and a husband giving money to help raise these children. And as far as feeling so sorry for her because she is having a baby and she is so tired, big deal. Every woman goes through the same thing at the end. She is not the only one.

swampedmom's picture

Yes, Queensway. He just doesn't see it. He equates all the stuff he does as just being a devoted and loving father. He would feel guilty I am sure if he EVER had to say no.

I can't wait until she is done having babies and using pregnancy as an excuse for being constantly in the lime light and attention grabbing. When her kids are older and no longer cute little babies things may level off, I hope. Or maybe she will keep having them.
I do know SD's DH was very cozy with his Ex wife post divorce and has been caught sexting other women. (she called us at 2am a week before our wedding to cry for hours).

Everything is not as rosy as it appears.

queensway's picture

Oh you are so very right about things being so rosy. What really won't be so rosy is when those kids are all teenagers. Your DH is in for a rude awakening. They will walk all over him and he will never see it coming. After all they will learn from their mother how to treat him. That is when you sit back and watch the train wreck show. As for you, just stay out of it. He is making all of HIS own problems.

fairyo's picture

My DH just came off the phone to OSD- she rang him with a babysitting duty, he just says yes of course then puts the phone down and tells me he's babysitting in a few weeks. There is no element of discord- no checking his diary or asking me if its ok. If she says jump he asks how high? For these men saying even, 'Can I get back to you?' is not an option. I never understood it, I tried to change it, now I'm disengaged...

swampedmom's picture

So frustrating Fairyo. I have bio sons no daughters and my boys are not Mama's boys by any stretch of the imagination. Two are in college and self sufficient for the most part. I love them and raised them to leave the nest and they are flying solo. For holidays they come home, visit and then leave. I do not have to go to them because they won't make the effort like SD.

For the life of me I do not understand a daddy and his "baby girl". However, my own Bio dad was absent and my SD was normal. So maybe I have nothing tangible to relate it to. But comparing it to friends and such's relationships it seems over the top.

Is their a BM to your SD that caters to her as well?

I always had a neighbor girl or my sister babysit, I did not ask my parents to babysit. Especially if they have to drive out of town and stay all weekend to do it that is nuts.
My DH will drive 5 hours to go to a dang soccer game for SGK 8 last year. The games lasted 30 minutes and the kids just ran around like ants. SD would yell at SGK the entire time and he would be in tears. I went ONCE and that was enough.
I too am DONE and DISENGAGED especially after this past weekend of arguing and H*ll after holding my tongue for 5 years.
That ship has SAILED!

fairyo's picture

Frustrating indeed- thing is I have almost stopped caring -almost. When I first met DH I couldn't get over how willing he was to fall down at the feet of his children. When I questioned him about it my words fell on deaf ears-it was not how my family dynamic worked. When my kids were young my ex and I rarely went out as a couple, once or twice a year- sometimes my MIL babysat as she was closer, but more often is was nieces and nephews. I would never have expected my parents to fall at my feet in that way, so when I met DH I didn't get his attitude at all. He had none of the respect my kids had for their dad, or I had had for mine. Particularly with OSD he just did whatever she asked and I could not come to terms with her sense of entitlement.
However,for years I sucked it up and was determined to stay at his side to prove to OSD that the wedge I suspected she was driving between us would not work- but all that changed almost a year ago and I had to disengage.
I really believe DH thinks he's a fantastic dad and grandad, but I couldn't bear the false way they would speak to each other (especially over the 'phone) and the way he thinks all things are put right by putting his hands in his pockets all the time. Tonight just reminded me of how things used to be- he would take the call, he'd say we were babysitting, I would remonstrate, he would call me selfish etc etc and in the end I would go with him and hate every minute of feeling used and frustrated.
BM does wield a great deal of power over her kids but I never even think of her- OSD is over 40 ears old and is responsible for her own actions in my book.
Now I am a grandma too and I do babysit for my daughter, but only two or three times a year. I am asked politely and have to stay as they live quite a way away, DH has rarely come with me and I do not force it. When I think about the times I have done things of OSD and her offspring, and how little I expect DH to do for mine I could blow a gasket!
But,as you say, that ship has sailed and boy I do not expect to be mooring up anywhere near my skids anytime soon!

Starlightwest's picture

I feel your pain swampedmom! My SD posts all thesethings about her wonderful children (and they are) but to see her in action they’re nothing but an annoyance to her and their father. She can be very loving but it’s the type of loving that’s stunting them. Talks baby to the 3 year old and calls their drinking cups “bottles” even with the 6 year old. I can imagine the 6 year old at lunchtime at school asking for a bottle. Getting up to do anything for them is a major inconvenience so they have perfected the whining and screaming. DH told them to knock it off when they tried it with him recently and the 6 year old told the 3 year old they only do that with mommy and daddy. Clueless idiots. SD said publicly on Facebook she was hinting to her husband for another baby. I wanted to reply - WTF!! You suck with the ones you have now! I could not even imagine.
Your DH is definitely an enabler. Definitely keep finances separate. And disengage from that madness!!

Rags's picture

My SIL is one of those "it is no more expensive to have two kids than to have one" morons. Then she and her DH spend the remainder of their lives scamming money out of family. I refer to it as "Breeding for Dollars". They scam the system, they scam family, then they whine and cry and blame "the man" for the consequences of their idiocy. They are on their 4th "Hail Mary" attempt to save their home from foreclosure. This time the bank has required that they pay 4 payments of $3K to save their home then they will go to $1K/Mo on a home that their original mortgage payment was $500/mo on. This is due to their repeated failure to pay and for their basement level credit record. SIL's DH raided his 401K for two months of the money but they don't have the money for the last two months of the hail Mary. The bank hasn't even cleared the foreclosure auction date from the county records yet. Of course my SIL had no idea about that until my wife told her. It isn't hard to look up and after the foreclosure auction was published in the paper it isn't like it is some secret. SIL got all irritated that my IL's knew about them maybe losing their house and blamed my wife for telling her parents. My wife blasted her sister with "ITS IN THE PAPER FOR GOD's SAKE!!!! THE WHOLE TOWN KNOWS!""" My SIL still insists on blaming my wife for everyone knowing.

They have finally been cut off by everyone in the family to the point that when we are all on a family outing and SIL doesn't have the money to participate in activities she and her kids wait outside of the gate while the rest of us go in. That one is on me. I started barring her ass when she pulled the guilt trap and said in front of everyone... "If you don't have the money to pay for yourself and your family then your family doesn't need to be here" then I bought the tickets for my family and we went in leaving the rest of the clan gnashing their teeth to figure out how to respond to SIL's attempts to guilt everyone into paying for her brood. A few minutes later everyone else joined us in the venue and SIL and her kids waited in their car. That is now the status quo. SIL ceaselessly tries to guilt everyone into paying for her family and no one does. She and her DH have plenty of money for new artwork to add to their comprehensive tattoo collection but have to guilt people into feeding their spawn.


According to their FB activities, they are successful and live care free lives. meh

Fed Up after 14 Years's picture

The bunch I deal with too. Scamming us out of money when they were strapped for cash and preggo with another one when the last one was 3 months old. Then of course too embarrassed to be around us owing us cash so they said a bunch of crap to hurt me so we stayed away. Pretty smart those scammers.