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CPS talking about placing SGKs ...

Indigo's picture

It's late and I'm blue. It seems too much effort to go through the entire story tonight, but here's the jist:

In a nutshell, SD-30, the AWOL, felony-outstanding-warrant, alcoholic left 3 kids behind. SO & SO's late wife adopted her at 10 from the foster system. SO's late wife died from ovarian cancer 5 years ago. (We had known each other 28 years ago in college and reconnected 3 years ago.)

SO raised SGD12 from 8 weeks til 8 years old. Court awarded custody to her biodad --- keep those biological families together. Now SO gets weekly visitation and he is quite clear that he has no rights. SD-30 also left 2 boys with another biodad behind when she ran.

Tonight, SO took SGD12 to visit her half-brothers. SGS7, SGS9 live with their biodad/SM and 3 other siblings in what looks like an old-time, one-story motel that converted to low-income housing. CPS was there discussing pulling all 5 children from the house due to the biodad's anger/abuse and who knows what else since is reported by SGD-12.

One of the boys has been kicked out of public school for putting another child in the hospital and is already in alternative schooling. Anger, violence, abandonment issues, probable learning issues/LD/ADHD. It is an absolute cluster-f*ck of poverty, drugs/alcohol and dysfunction.

I've kept separate households mainly because of the freakin' crazy-making dysfunction from now-absent SD-30 and her children being raised by biodads and SMs. I wasn't raised this way.

I have a BS-13 who does not need to be surrounded with this BS. I have to hold onto that thought.

I spoke with SO about bringing the boys in so that they won't got to foster care. He admits that he can't bring 2 troubled grandkids into his house if he will be parenting alone; he knows his weaknesses after trying to raise SD. I cannot open my small house to these two boys ... taking them swimming, small visitation stuff I can do ... but I can't take away from my own son in my attempt to right the wrongs of the Universe. I'm also responsible for my aged mother in a different town from SO & SGKs.

Just late night venting about wishing that I could change things and acknowledging that this was not my daughter, these are not my grandkids.

It just makes me blue

Indigo's picture

I couldn't figure out how to edit to make my post more legible. Guess I've had a bit too much Cabernet or Dawn has begun to hide the EDIT tab.

OMG, can you imagine a breath-alyzer attached to a keyboard instead of a car?

One of the most frustrating aspect of step-parenting and step-grandparenting: Responsibility without authority. Oh, and a bushel basket of bullshit and blame. And, my beloved SO who is a passive parent.

Aside: BS-13 and I used to be foster parents for a German Shepherd rescue. We constantly got the young male dogs, 9-18 months old, past the cute stage, not house=broken, not leash-trained, no basic obedience, unsocialized, dog-aggressive, uncontrolled prey-drive which made my chickens and my cats unhappy. I realized that I was constantly cleaning up someone else's mess. Someone else was a crappy dog owner and I had to dedicate hours to redirect behavior to give the dogs the best chance of a healthy life.

Kinda sounds like step-parenting and step-grandparenting.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You can't save them all.

This is what a very sensible friend said to me just today. Your path is clear, and you see it clearly. Good for you.

godess-clueless's picture

I spent several years taking in 2 SGC to keep them from being sourced out to strangers in the foster care system. At the time not one blood family member stepped in to take their own family member. Dh was not the one who took care of these children. Do to the court systems reason for their removal, I never left them alone with DH at any time.

Both times everything required to prepare the child for returning home was done on my end. Nothing was done by the chid's parent. At the time I would take the child, theBio GM and SD's were at war with each other. Then 12 to 18 months later when the court system is sending the child back to Sd , everyone in the enemy camp has become best buddies and I was the bad guy for "taking their child away"

NOT WORTHWHILE ....spend your time, energy, and finances doing a good job of raising your own child. There are plenty of organizations with paid staff that can deal with these children and their problems. Everyone returned to living together in a tri plex with DH's ex. Never saw the grandkids again .

robin333's picture

What a mess. Hugs! You are doing the best thing keeping your DS away from this. It hurts not being able to right wrongs. Wish it didn't when it could cause another wrong but it doesn't necessarily.

notarelative's picture

Your BS and your mom are your priorities.

Your SO has to do what he has to do. But, it sounds as if he knows he is not equipped to deal with at least one of the boys. One sounds as if he needs a residential placement.
SO will have to decide for himself what is best for him and the boys.

I know you said SGD was involved in the report. But, due to what happened at school they probably were already on CPS radar.

If they didn't remove the kids immediately they are going to offer the family services. Hopefully the dad and SM will take advantage of the services and things will improve. (Or they won't remove until they have placements set up for the kids. In this case SO will get a phone call, but he doesn't have to say yes)

still learning's picture

"taking them swimming, small visitation stuff I can do ..."

^^This is a great way to be supportive of the gskids while keep your sanity in tact. You and DH can play the role of grandparents while someone else is doing the daily heavy lifting, cooking, disciplining, driving, etc.

Contrary to popular opinion foster care is not horrible. There are isolated incidents but overall it's a good system for protecting children. I was in the system as an older teen, I had 2 foster families. The first wasn't a good fit for me, (not abusive) so I elected to be placed with another family where I stayed until graduating from high school. The foster parents are paid, get food stamps and a clothing allowance for the children, there are many community programs that support the kids sports and arts interests.

I can see why you are "blue." It sucks that the parents failed the children but they will be taken care of. They'll be better off. You're doing the right thing by focusing on bs13. Visiting the gskids, taking them swimming and being a loving presence in their lives will mean so much to them.