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Is BM making SD3 "the ugly" kid??

girlmeetsworld714's picture

SO has a 3 year old daughter that came out of a "friends with benefits" situation. BM is horrible to SO; calls him names, accuses him of being a drug addict, says he neglects his children, says he lies all the time, claims he's abusive and a cheater, she does it all. They are in the middle of a custody battle and SO has been denied access to SD for almost 2 years now. Things aren't pretty (and haven't been since I came into the picture when SD was 6 months old, but that's another story).

BM also has another daughter a couple years older than SD. I have noticed that she tries to make her older daughter look super cute and girly while she dresses SD3 in ratty clothes and has cut her long precious curls off to a boy cut. Her older daughter looks exactly like BM while SD3 is the spitting image of SO. Is it possible that BM is trying to make SO's daughter be "the ugly one" so that she gets satisfaction of the kid who looks like her being "the cute one" or am I looking too far into this? Every negative characteristic SD has she blames on SO. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

AllySkoo's picture

I haven't experienced that myself, but if you're right about what's going on then that's horrible!

I will say that I'm mom to a 2 year old girl though... and already my control over what she wears is limited! Lol She will literally take off whatever I picked out that she does not want to wear and go find what SHE wants (which is sometimes her brother's ratty play clothes meant for him to get filthy in) meaning she sometimes looks like she was dressed by a 2 year old with horrid fashion sense. Which she was. Wink And my sister had short hair for a lot of her toddler years because she flatly refused to have it brushed (and screamed like a lunatic if my mother attempted to do it anyway), so short was better than knots. So it's at least *possible* that this isn't her mom being a bitch. (Of course, it's possible that it IS her mom being a bitch too! But I just wanted to point out that it *might* not be.)

SecondGeneration's picture

Firstly I am so sorry that you and your other half are in this position Sad
It has got to be heartbreaking for him to have this but courts can take so long but in the mean time its the father that looses out with his child(ren) and its one of the things I hate with our society!

You may be reading too much into it or it may be something that BM is subconsciously doing. When my parents were going through custody battles of me my BM ended up pulling all kinds of crazy shit with me because she was so consumed with wanting to hurt my father that she sort of forgot that it would affect me too. But then it might be that SD3 is a bit of a tom boy and is partially choosing (my SD3 will sometimes choose the oldest crap she has). My partner was a little disheartened when the custody all changed, he has always loved long hair but SD3 was born with very little hair and took ages to grow, when the custody all changed she was just starting to get lovely longer blonde hair and first thing BM did was chop it boy short. However SD3 loves to play pretend hair dressers and equally hates brushing her hair in the morning before school so I guess it was a cross between letting her go to a real hairdresser and being lazy as its easier to manage before school now.

Either way I hope you get a change of custody and your partner is able to have a relationship with his daughter soon, so unfair on her!

Orange County Ca's picture

Interesting, but no I haven't had any experience. Sounds like she tried twice to capture a husband and failing is now pretty bitter. In college I would expect these young women to not lie about birth control as they have lives ahead of them. Outside of college which includes high school I would be carrying condoms with every visit birth control claims or not. But then I'm 70 and know a little more now.

Do you really want to put up with this woman for the rest of your life? This kid and mother will be effecting your family in a negative way forever. What if he gets custody? You could be a Mama much quicker than you think. What if Mama dies or decides to light out for Shangri-La? You're going to be holding the bag - I mean kid. Have you thought that maybe you're the maid, cook, chauffeur and sex-mate this guy will need if he gets the kid full time and not his one true love? Guys do that, sometimes consciously, sometimes sub-consciously.

Is this guy really worth all of that when there are millions of childless guys out there just waiting for the right woman to start a family with? Really do think this over.

LaMareOssa's picture

My DH dealt with something like this. We're not sure why the BM did the things she did. When SD was between the ages of 3-9, BM would send SD over to our house wearing either 1. filthy clothing with holes or 2. clothes that were way too small. DH knew for a fact that BM had nice clothes for SD because he would sometimes see SD at school. BM always kept SD's very short, almost to a Bob cut. It was terrible because SD used to have very long and extra thick hair. As soon as SD started school around the age of 5, BM chopped it all off. DH couldn't believe it.

We just assumed that BM sent SD wearing ratty clothes in hopes that DH would buy more. We're not sure, but her other two kids always seemed to dress nice.

My DH got custody of SD when she was 10, so we don't have to deal with things like that anymore.

Bojangles's picture

It's perfectly likely that she doesn't worry so much about SD3's presentation because she's younger, she gets in a mess playing all the time, and she's using up hand me down clothes from her older sister or from friends. All normal valid reasons for SD3 not looking beautifully turned out a lot of the time. My children have mess about clothes for every day and a few nice outfits for going out. As DD7 has got a little older I've made a little more effort with her wardrobe. Personally I'm not a fan of fussing about how young children are presented all the time, they're supposed to be having fun not worrying about outfits. Nor do I like it when little girls are overly girlified at a young age and encouraged to dwell too much on how they look - there's enough of that pressure later.

So as others have pointed out there are lots of other possible reasons for the way SD3 looks which are nothing to do with BM trying to make her daughter's life a misery by 'making her the ugly one'. BM's attitude to SO sounds pretty shabby, assuming he hasn't done anything to deserve all that hostility, but generally speaking mum's do love their children even if they don't parent the way you would.

Poodle's picture

I think you are right. My elder SD25 was blonde whilst my younger SD24 brunette. Elder looked like mom and was believed by both parents to be another man's child (tho I'm not so sure). Younger looks the spit of dad and was rejected slightly by mom from birth, unlike the blonde one who was lionised. OS and BM used to collude together saying their elder daughter was so beautiful that she would have far more attention from males than the younger one when they grew up, partly due to the coloring and partly due to the pathetic myth they had in their marriage that BM was a raving beauty whilst OS was a bespectacled nerd and ought to be grateful. Now BM was good-looking but OS, when he took his glasses off, was far more of a stunner than they believed, and the ugly duckling story has now come to fruition: the older daughter has the kind of cruel, cold, bitchy face that would alienate many and walks with a big, clumpy stride, whilst the younger one is an absolutely gorgeous slip of a girl who turns heads in the street as she passes -- but modest with it. And, because she was not glorified by mom and not central to their awful custody dispute, she comes out as the least damaged of the 3. Sometimes it pays not to be turned into a princess! And definitely it pays not to look like a vain BM! You are then protected from the endless narcissism of these women.