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my self-depreciation rant

Oh Canada's picture

At least many of you ladies are putting yourself out there and being seen and heard by his ex and family. I still haven't come out of my dark little corner. I am almost positive I will never be at the same event / place as his ex. Well, not if I can help it. I would probably have a complete melt down. I don't know how you ladies have the courage to DO all this stuff. Meet his family, ex's family, kids, all that stuff - I would feel totally lost / and end up feeling so awkward.

My BF has lived in this town his whole life and so he knows damn near everyone everywhere we go. It isn't easy for me because I have this whole image in my mind of Happy Days, or Archie & Veronica sock hop, good ol' days thing going on in my head. This irks me since I had nothing to do with any of these *good old days* (as I imagine them). Then of course my worst mental demon is the recurring thought that I will never possibly be able to live up to the wonderful life he had while married to ex. They had kids, family, tons of healthy life events that I am not going to have with him.
It is such a destructive thought pattern - and I am the only one who is thinking it!!! He has told me to let that go & has been able to put my mind at ease about these insecurities - - - but they just come back (I hate being insecure! I never thought I was like that)

I just feel so stupid & frustrated for thinking these thoughts. I mean, I KNOW it is a huge waste of energy (not to mention completley POINTLESS) to think about THEIR history together and what it might have been like. This doesn't happen all the time, but when I start compairing OUR life to their old life I start overthinking all this useless junk! I just feel like I total moron for obsessing over someone else's past!

Well, I'm not totally bonkers - a good trick I have learned to make myself stop is to think about how much it would tickle his ex to know what an insecure, cowardly custard I was being. Wouldn't she love to know I was burning brain power on her. eew. Yeah, it's working right now - lol. I think this vent session has paid off because I feel a lot better getting that crap off my mind.

I don't know if anyone is even reading this. I'm actually not nutz, just feeling a little down / stressed / aggravated with life at the moment and wanted to garf it up somewhere.

Thanks for listening.


tyra's picture

Hello fellow Canadian. Don't worry what you are feeling is normal. We have all felt that way at some point. Just remember he is not with her...that wonderful life you invision could not have been so wonderful...sure they had their times but they would still be together if everything was perfect.

I remember it took me over a year to meet the EX. I never wanted to and guess what that was the most stress free period of our relaitonship. I'd go back to those days but you can't..we were just dating then and I wasn't spending a lot of time with his daugther so I didn't see a need to get entangled in their problems.

Yes, we do waste a lot of brain power on the ex's. I am trying to find ways that I can replace those negative thoughts with some positive ones. My own life is great (other than the EX). I need to concentrate on that stuff instead.

Come here...vent, scream , listen, read. The ladies here have help me through some dark moments and have helped me see the other side. Sometimes we get so stuck on our anger we forget that there are different views.

Hope to see you here again. Good Luck.

Oh Canada's picture

We've been together 2 1/2 years. We bought a house together, have talked about our future, and plan to be married. This is really, really exciting to me! I just adore him and WISH we were married right now - but I'm cool with things and how they are for now.

You know, this site is really a life saver. I hardly post anything because I really get a lot of support by just reading what other people have posted. It feels SOOO good to connect with other people who have experienced things that I thought were unique to my life.

Thanks for your comment...

Frog44's picture

I agree that what you are feeling is normal. I met the ex about 3 months after bf and I got together. I was terrified. I thought she'd come running out of the house with a bat. (funny to think of that now). She was cordial, nice at times. Of course this was to ensure that bf had a place to stay and place to take the children to. (she couldn't stand bf step mother, and at the time that I met him he was staying with his parents).

I remember the game she started. I always called it the "remember when" game. She would start talking about remember when we were 17 blah, blah, blah. Remember when this, and Remember when that. It used to REALLY bother me. But then I realized that she was the one that had the boyfriends and secret trysts and suggested an "open marriage" not the bf. I realized that this was her way of trying to make me jealous, or even proove her involvement in his life, even if it was years ago. I just had to keep telling myself that if it was that great, they would still be married.

He also had the life events that I will never share with him, but I know that we will be making our own life events, and that we will be spending the rest of our lives together. I'm not even sure ex can say that about her current marriage. And that (evil as it sounds) puts a smile on my face every time I think about it.

When you're ready, you'll know it.

tyra's picture

Is that something that they hold onto? We were going to Vegas after our wedding and she stood there with hubby and me talking about the times they went and what they did. Just one of the many rememeber when moments.

But you are right we create our own life events with our husbands...I gave him a son....something he really wanted....the only one in his entire family to have a son and to be able to pass on the history. There will always be new memories and for the most part I think men just want to move on and they don't get stuck in the past.

slchance's picture

This used to bother me so much, too. I was ashamed that I was spending so much time thinking about her. I finally got some counseling and got on some antidepressants. They really help with the runaway thoughts. Not saying that's what you should do, but that's what helped for me. Now I am one thousand times more confident than I used to be. Hang in there!
p.s. If they were such 'good old days,' why are they not together anymore? They probaby weren't so good, they just appear that way, but appearances are deceiving.