my self-depreciation rant
At least many of you ladies are putting yourself out there and being seen and heard by his ex and family. I still haven't come out of my dark little corner. I am almost positive I will never be at the same event / place as his ex. Well, not if I can help it. I would probably have a complete melt down. I don't know how you ladies have the courage to DO all this stuff. Meet his family, ex's family, kids, all that stuff - I would feel totally lost / and end up feeling so awkward.
My BF has lived in this town his whole life and so he knows damn near everyone everywhere we go. It isn't easy for me because I have this whole image in my mind of Happy Days, or Archie & Veronica sock hop, good ol' days thing going on in my head. This irks me since I had nothing to do with any of these *good old days* (as I imagine them). Then of course my worst mental demon is the recurring thought that I will never possibly be able to live up to the wonderful life he had while married to ex. They had kids, family, tons of healthy life events that I am not going to have with him.
It is such a destructive thought pattern - and I am the only one who is thinking it!!! He has told me to let that go & has been able to put my mind at ease about these insecurities - - - but they just come back (I hate being insecure! I never thought I was like that)
I just feel so stupid & frustrated for thinking these thoughts. I mean, I KNOW it is a huge waste of energy (not to mention completley POINTLESS) to think about THEIR history together and what it might have been like. This doesn't happen all the time, but when I start compairing OUR life to their old life I start overthinking all this useless junk! I just feel like I total moron for obsessing over someone else's past!
Well, I'm not totally bonkers - a good trick I have learned to make myself stop is to think about how much it would tickle his ex to know what an insecure, cowardly custard I was being. Wouldn't she love to know I was burning brain power on her. eew. Yeah, it's working right now - lol. I think this vent session has paid off because I feel a lot better getting that crap off my mind.
I don't know if anyone is even reading this. I'm actually not nutz, just feeling a little down / stressed / aggravated with life at the moment and wanted to garf it up somewhere.
Thanks for listening.