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Pet Peeve & Explainations

Oh Canada's picture

We've all faced this at some point I'm sure.

You get into conversations with others about relationships. They tell you about their ex's / step kids ~ you talk about your situation. Fine. Most people are I know are divorced / going through the 2nd marriage thing. whatever.

Then some how this happens: they start exposing little things that make me feel very dysfunctional - or like I am not dropping the hammer hard enough or often enough. Such as, "oh you should tell him NEVER to talk to his ex wife." "You should ALWAYS go to any family function (or dysfunction I add)." Maybe I'm delusional, but I actually trust my man to handle his shit without me mediating the whole thing.

I guess I should not tell the truth about what goes on between my FH and his ex / kids / me because I guess it is kinda strange to others. But there is no cookie cutter answer for divorce and how to handle these extraordinary circumstances! Plus, I think things have gotten better over the last 4 years.

I'm not seeking approval from others when I talk about my relationship. Hell, I'm just talking! It's normal to discuss what going on in life.

Does anyone else ever feel like they are trying to argue a defense for how things are in your relationship? How do you approach things when others start giving unsolicited advice?

Anymore I just shrug off the comments and go about my life. But I still get that yuck-o feeling in the pit of my stomach.


StepLightly's picture

I agree...every situation is so, so different. How can someone tell someone else how to handle it? It so much more complex than a typical "man/woman relationship". So many more personalities and issues! I would jokingly say, "every situation is SO different -- if you walked a week in my shoes, girl, you wouldn't be saying that!"

storm's picture

at opening up my whole life for others to judge and try to fix for me. Probably why I don't have a lot of people close to me. Umm, don't care. Glad I found this site. Even if what I have to share is looked at as crazy by others here, I don't have to see them and be reminded of it a year from now. Smile

"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

SerendipitySM's picture

Hey there - glad to see you back "Canada" - I've been worried about you!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Karma_'s picture

People ususally fit into one of 3 categories. Our female friends who think I'm crazy and are outraged by what I must put up with. Our male friends who feel embarrassed for DH and change the subject. And finally DH's family who have a pact not to take sides or get involved in any disagreements (remember BM2 has a brother married to my DH's sister). This is all well and good except when DH needs support and they look blankly at him and walk away.

The Principlist's picture

Most people can't relate or identify with the things that blended families experience. I have found that outside of my best girlfriends or immediate family that I can't share my life experiences and what is troubling me. Most people think that things can't be that bad, so you've got to be elaborating a bit. They feel that if THEY were in the situation they would not tolerate this, that and the other. When the reality is one can never say what they will or will not do in a given situation. You know kinda like learning. In a classroom setting and following a textbook cookie cutter situation, things are cut and dried. However, we all know that real life NEVER seems to go textbook, there are usually other if not many other variables involved that can ultimately change the outcome of the situation.

DH and I have a fabuless marriage 90% of the time, but we WORK at it albeit some days more than others. We communicate well, we work, we laugh, share and love hard together and we always put the overall family's best interests first. Then there is that 10% that rears its ugly head every now and again and it is usually pertaining to some commotion with Skids and BM. As frustrating as things are at the moment, I have to really evaluate if the 10% has ever warranted me wanted to walk away from the 90%. I know that my 90% is far greater than most. I know that we've got each other's backs come hell or high water. I don't allow what other people think to dictate the life situations that we find ourselves faced with.

More importantly, I look at my single friends who are out there dating and the HELL they go through. I take happily take my 90% and vent about the 10. Just know who to share information with and how much.

Advice given to DH and I at our wedding: Don't share all of the intimate details of fights and disagreements with others. Try to hash it out amongst yourselves. Because when you have worked through the disagreement and forgiven each other, those outside sources are busy remembering when... Where you and DH have moved forward others that you have allowed into the intimate parts of your relationship haven't. It can make for a rough and rocky marriage.

Another piece of advice was to look at your marriage as a checkbook or savings accounts. You want your deposits to outweigh your withdrawals to keep things in balance. The more you put and have in it the better it is for your future. No relationship is going to be 100% all of the time. Look for someone who will enhance your life and not take away from it. But you can't expect to get anything out of the bank when you haven't worked to put anything into it.

Trust me it takes time and work, but things do eventually get better.

My new StepMother's Motto:

When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.