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BM wants to meet me

Oh Canada's picture

Hello everyone! I've been reading this site and many of your posts for over a year now and everyone here has been tremendously helpful in so many ways.

I usually just read what's been posted and get insight from that, but this time I would like to ask you all a question directly; what purpose does it serve for BM to want to meet my fiance and I for dinner so she can meet me?

Their kids are grown - last one just graduated HS and is 18 on her way to college out of state & the other older kids are doing their own thing as well (as much as kids do these days...).

I am not co-parenting them. They have a mom and are all grown up (in age anyway lol). I do understand that being a girlfriend, fiance, or wife DOES make you a part of the equation even if you are dealing with adult children. You still have an opinion about things and have an effect on things even if you are trying to be very subtle. I have always chosen to be very understanding when it comes to my fiances kids and their feelings.

This being said, I have to raise an eyebrow when she mentioned to my fiance that she would want to have a meeting with me. I'd like some insight as to what her reasoning is behind this dinner meeting.

Hopefully its nothing malicious - like just to judge me or give me the elevator eyes. I really don't want to go to dinner or any where else with her for that matter! ya know!!

But I am still curious if she is really and truly trying to be constructive in her gesture.

My gut tells me this is all really twisted though. I feel like dinners and soccer games with the exwife is not any place I want or NEED to be. I just want the kids to feel okay about being around me without their mom freaking out on them for "was SHeeeeeee there????" I didn't know I was that upsetting to the ex.
I thought I was sensitive - wowzers!

Oh - fiance does not have much interaction with ex wife - he just wants his kids to stop being questioned about me by the ex. I am pretty sure she is having a tough time with the fact that I exist - even though they have been divorce for about 7 years and we have been together for 4. Get over it lady!

thanks in advance for your answers and insight.

Comments

smurfy1smile's picture

I would tell the kids if BM wants to know anything about you to either ask their BF or you directly. I guess I would be wigged out about having dinner with her too. After 4 years, its a little strange. I met BM right away, not by choice. She is cordial to me and I am to her but that's the extent of it. The kids in your case are grown and your FH does not really interact with his ex so neither should you.

Have a nice dinner with your fiance instead of with her.

Oh Canada's picture

Thanks Smurfy - I agree with you.

I accidently meet the ex very early on too. It was at a soccer game and I didn't know who she was - and fiance was busy and couldn't intercept for me - lol

The ex had a FIT! "How could you bring her HERE!" yeah - good times.

I'm not a parent but I kinda thought parents would want to keep things civil for the kids sake - that's my fiance's way of thinking.

It is like the exwife is a kid herself, with her freak outs. The kids have a lot better perspective than she does and they accept me (and kinda like me - I dare say!!!).

I think she likes drama and wants to make some with me. Just a guess...

Angel's picture

like she is very curious more than anything else. I wouldn't meet her for dinner----that takes too long & you'd be a hostage for the length of the dinner. Meet for coffee, that way if you don't feel comfortable, you can get out faster. I think she is probably jealous. If she doesn't have a man she still is thinking of you as competition. It is a little twisted so just be clever about the logistics of the meeting.

Oh Canada's picture

Yeah dinner takes too long. I can't imagine how any of this would play out even if I DO decide to take her up on her offer.

Who knows... she might have just wanted to stun my fiance when she said we should all meet. She's full of surprizes, that one. :?

What's that line from As Good As It Gets - go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here. lol

everythinghappens4areason's picture

If the children are older, what would be the purpose? You do not have to interact on a regular basis. I think this is just a game and I wouldn't participate. But this is just my opinion.

corie

Oh Canada's picture

Thanks Corie,
I was thinking the same thing - what's the point - I'm not parenting her kids for heavens sake! And I never see her. People just need to let go of all their crap and start functioning like adults. And - oh goodie - everyone involved is now over the age of 18 now, so lets give maturity at try just for the heck of it.

I think she is going to want to be at her kids college games and I am going to be there with my fiance and we don't want any drama from her. Kids are sure sick of being questioned and dealing with upset mom who should be over this crap a long time ago.

She's bored and bitter and I hope she finds some happiness somewhere.

I give my thanks to each of you who answered. I think I am on the right track. I appreciate the feedback.

StepLightly's picture

Go with your gut feeling on this one.

sparky's picture

If the kds were little I could undertand it, but at their age, no I don't think so. I am sure that you are capable of choosing your own friends and why would you want to be frinds with her. When I first got married BM acted like the "Welcome Wagon" and I kept pushing back and it's a good thing I did. It became perfectly clear to me she wanted to play house and friendship so that she could learn all of our business and destroy the relationship. It's sort of like a worm crawling into an apple and before you know it all the apple has to be thrown out.

Oh Canada's picture

you've got a valid point here.

If she's so damned interested - just google me. Doesn't that bring up people's myspace accounts. Let her get an eyeful there. lol

doglover1's picture

I would not go. MY BF ex is a nut case and I want nothing to do with her.She has tryed to meet with me many times. Once she sat on my front porch and refused to leave until i came home and talked with her. My BF called me and I sat at a resturant till she left. Insane. I have learned that i cant reason with an unreasonable person.

In a perfect world it would be nice for all to get along. The best way for me so not just not deal with her.

bellacita's picture

theres no reason for it since the kids are grown and u are not parenting them. im tired of some of these BMs trying to exert control over these situations and have everything their way. how does your fiance feel about it? i just really dont see any need and nothing good can come of it. protect yrself and stay away.
she also needs to stop putting the kids in the middle...she has no business in your fiances business anymore and its wrong to ask the kids ?s

frances's picture

When my ex was getting married his fiance wanted to sit down to dinner with me as well. I actually went and it turned out to be the best choice I made. We laid some things out on the table up front about what we wanted and how our relationship would go. She turned out to be very helpful at times when I was having trouble with the ex. She would take my side as BM herself when he was out of control and being unreasonable. I know there are alot of crazy BM's out there but maybe she just wants to meet the woman that will be her children's stepmom.

Oh Canada's picture

The one really bizarre thing about BM is that she is buddies with the exwife of the guy she cheated with that ended both marriages. Did that come out right?

Best friends of BM and my fiance - did everything together / kids / soccer / vacays... then BM decides to cheat with the other husband.
Things didn't work out between BM and cheating husband after everyone got their divorce.

My fiance says BM hangs out with the other ex wife at soccer games and all that.

THAT TO ME IS NUTZZZZZ!!!

Thats the only reason why I am curious if she really has good intentions on trying to clear the air and get us all able to be around eachother in this crazy DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION.

I'm glad you shared your positive experience with BM. I know things like that are possible in the world - but I still am not going to meet with her. Not yet anyway.

I think she can approach me if we ever meet a a college soccer game. That way I can gracefully get up, walk away from her, and not lose my cool in front of her.

Being stuck at dinner with her (and fiance - how awkward!!) sounds like tourcher!!!

Thanks for you point of view Frances. Smile

Sita Tara's picture

We are still raising SD however.

BUT....

There will be family things that you will want to attend. Weddings, Showers for Skids if you get to know them, etc. I think a meeting now would be beneficial so that you don't have to meet under a formal occasion which would tend to make the occasion more about you two meeting for the first time, rather than the actual celebration or whatever.

Are they still friends? My ex and I are. I'm also not a jealous person. If my ex was ever single again and got remarried, I would offer to meet his new wife no matter how old our kids are. I think it's very generous for her to extend her hand when she obviously doesn't need to anymore.

I say, take it. What's the worst that can happen?

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Oh Canada's picture

Yes that is "big" of her to offer an olive branch.

But this is the FIRST and ONLY scrap of consideration I've ever gotten from her in 4 years.

A sudden wake up call?? I don't know.

For someone so manipulative, immature, and self centered - it just makes me a tad leary of her intent.

I wish I could just do it and get this yucky crap over with!!!
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I wouldn't say they are "friends". They are civil and he is done being her whipping boy and overfunctioning for her.

There has been no more mention of it from my fiance. Although I did give him the "hell no, no way" wave of the hand when he told me what she proposed.

But we have talked about it a few other times.

Glad things are working out for you in your relationship. Thanks for the advice.

Sita Tara's picture

BM has been such a terrible person toward me, calling me a fat bit@h to SD all the time, trying to belittle me to SD, making fun of me to DH. She's mentally ill. I am the type of person though that should she one day get medicated and have a change of heart I would still try, even if SD is an adult. As my therapist says, I don't like to have people hate me, especially if it's for no good reason. I have done my best to extend the branch myself, even through SD's therapist who made the suggestion to BM that she could go through me for communication regarding SD since BM claimed to be intimidated by DH. The therapist knows me so well, she offered that without my prior approval. But though BM admitted to the therapist that I was always pleasant toward her, her actions have continued to demonstrate that it's likely me she is intimidated by. She complains to SD that I control DH because we make joint decisions regarding SD (all the kids) and BM can't stand that we don't fight (which she knows through SD.) Since they fought constantly due to BM's anxiety/need to control everyone around her, she has rationalized that I have some sort of powerful spell over him to make him agree with me on all things.

Crazy...deranged.

I can't say I would WANT to sit across from her ever. But if she could get some psychological help and wanted to meet me, even if it was with SD's shrink, I would jump at the chance, as ill as I would feel doing it.

So I would never judge you saying no. You can only do what you feel comfortable with.

As a side note, I get along very well with my sons' SM. Perhaps too well for a while and she ended up stating her mind in an unpleasant way to me regarding my DH and my exH, criticizing their parenting (can't imagine what she really thinks of mine.) We stopped sharing as much then and haven't really been as close since. So sometimes boundaries can be crossed when you are too chummy with an ex or their spouse.

I NEVER have to worry about that with BM though!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Mary Louise's picture

If your first instinct is that something doesn't feel right with the dinner, something probably isn't right.

If you feel you must out of a sense of responsibility, why not meet for coffee at a place that is comfortable to you? It is much easier to pay for your coffee/tea/hot chocolate up front and be able to get up and leave if things aren't going well, than it is to sit through dinner and then have to wait for a check.

I would think that if she has good intentions and really wants to make an effort, she would agree to it. Like I tell my DH, you never know. She may have finally realized that you aren't going anywhere and that someone has to take the first step.

unknown's picture

don't go. you're walking into a trap.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

Oh Canada's picture

that made me laugh.

Thanks!

Harleygal's picture

I have mixed feelings here. If she has already acted up once about you, then she may have something up her sleeve.

On the other hand, she is going to have to learn to deal with you being part of the picture.

Since your skids are grown I guess I don't really see a reason for the meeting. I would sometimes go out to my DH ex's house to see his kids etc... But they were a little younger then and could not drive themselves over to our house. Now they are both grown and I see no reason to spend time at their house around the ex. Neither does my DH. I don't like or dislike his ex. I'm indifferent. I have also found out some things that have jaded my opinion of his ex and I have no reason to want to be around it. JMO.

Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Oh Canada's picture

You are right. She now has the clear image in her mind that I am here and am part of the equation.

JADED??? Oh boy...

Yeah. I have done a lot of backseat taking for this family. I told my fiance - I really need a break from these opprotunities for growth. I try to make him laugh, but he knows I am serious.

I am left wondering: am I supposed to forget about all the holidays that were messed up and full of tears and anxiety? Forget that my relationship comes with a ton of baggage (ex wife is the only thing that REALLY gets under my skin)? Forget that my self esteem has been through the wringer playing the outsider? I've done that to myself and I was wrong. That is a bad way to think and I'm done with it.

I'm glad for her that she wants to play nice.
I'll let her know when I'm ready to also.

Good insight Harleygal. Thanks Smile

SerendipitySM's picture

This is weird - there is no reason for you to meet her since the kids are all grown up and out of the house. She just wants to check you out and do it on "her" terms. If you ask me and it's just one more way of trying to exercise some control over your FH and you since the kids are now out of the picture.

Oh Canada's picture

From what I gather, she's pretty twisted like that.

I've only heard my FH's side of the story about their divorce. I keep an open mind about how it takes 2 to tango and all that

BUT...

When you cheat on someone - you gotta take responsibility for that - and she swears up and down she is not at fault for ANYTHING.

yeah - I don't think she would miss an opprotunity to F things up if she had the chance.

Thanks Smile

sweetthing's picture

I think it is a matter of power. BM had to meet me first before I could meet the kids... it sets a presedence. I wish I had NEVER done that. BTW she has NEVER met her BF's kid he had out of wedlock between his exwife & dating BM. He broke up with the woman while she was pregnant & the kid is 2 1/2. This one lives 15 minuets from my BM & she has never met the woman... somehow that is fine.

Don't give her room in your head & don't let her rule your life.

Oh Canada's picture

you said: "Don't give her room in your head & don't let her rule your life"

RIGHT ON!!!

I had a lot of trouble with this in the past. And you are so right about it being a matter of power. It is ALL about power. And I am not playing into it. I am keeping my grace.

thank you!

chicken little's picture

I would go. It might make her stop questioning the kids about you. She could see for herself.

Wicked2Three's picture

Do you think she might be sick? And I don't mean in the head, LOL! She might have some life altering news that she wants help with in dealing with the kids. I know....wishful thinking. I would go, but I am just a very curious person. Here are some things I would try to remember if I went.

* I will be the bigger person.
* I will remember at all times that she more afraid of me than I am of her.
* I have control over my emotions and reactions. (don't give her fuel for her fire)
* I have free will and I can leave whenever the atmosphere turns ugly or scarey.
* The first one to talk (or the one that talks most) looses.

I hope you will let us know what you decide and how it turns out.

Tara12's picture

Since the kids are growns up I wouldn't bother. She just wants to be nosey and check you out so she can have something to say. I mean except for the kids I'm sure she and your DH don't even speak anymore. I wouldn't worry about holidays or anything like that - they are no longer together the ADULT kids know this so why should they get together and pretend like they are one big happy family? Xmas Eve with you and DH and Xmas day with mom or vice versa. It's not like the kids are little are anything. You have your life with him - she is not part of the picture. Please let us know how everything turns out.

cj's picture

Don't do it, girl. I agree, it's a trap. Not sure how, but she is trying to manipulate your man in some way by asking for this meeting. This can only end up badly. I would send her a quick note letting her know her know that you appreciate the invite but your life is really busy and you don't really have any interest in forming a relationship with her. Very polite and cordial. The thing with ex's? The least amount of contact the better. For you and your man.

Kess's picture

Is it possible that she's gotten her head out of her ass and is being mature about this situation? At some point, one would hope she would "get over it" and be realistic. If so, you might want to meet with her - even just to get it over with. If you remain with this guy, believe me, there WILL be times when you'll see her. Either that, or you will just be excluded from all the family events, which would be unfortunate for you. The kids are adults - they can deal with BM's discomfort. As hard as it is (and I know), facing her may be the best way to deal with her. The more often you have encounters, the easier it is - I swear. You don't have to be too chummy - but being able to be in the same room with someone is always nice when you share a family. How has it been lately?

Oh Canada's picture

Nothing ever became of the invite to meet. I'm really glad the issue was never pursued or pushed. I suppose the ball was in my court - but I never really felt it was "for real".

I suppose I will have to face this one day. I know I will be all sweaty and uncomfortable looking! lol I do not have the abiliity to hide my emotions AT ALL! it's a curse.

My best defense it to look beautiful, be happy & cheerful, and be kind. Then go puke afterwards. lol

Thanks for all your care and advice! It's nice to know you all are out there. : )

northernsiren's picture

If you're not comfortable, then don't go, but I would certainly try to go. Again as some said, coffee, not dinner, but I wouldn't back down. I would NEVER want to give BM the satisfaction of thinking I was afraid of her, or afraid of the confrontation. I would feel diminished if I ran away from that, and no WAY she's going to have that power to me, I don't even want my fiance to think I'm not up to it.

As others mentioned, I'd rather be sticky sweet nice to her at weddings, graduations, etc in the future than allow her whisper about me and the way I "offended" her by snubbing her olive branch.

My fiance and I have tried many times to sit down with BM and her husband to discuss SD. She refuses every time. And I laugh, because I know that I'm being the rational adult here, trying to do the right thing, and she's so caught up in her drama, she can't see past it to work with us for her daughter's sake...

Kess's picture

northernsiren, we have similar BMs. I just cannot understand how a mother can do that. I've been very respectful to our BM, very approachable, completely mature. I've told her that I love her children and want to be able to talk to her about their lives, etc. Nothing. She acts more childish than her children do.