Adult Step/EX WIFE
Well, I'm over it....I'm sure that is not a new feeling to any of you. My dh & I have been married 18 years & he has been divorced for 22 years. He has 3 adult stepchildren, 2 sons, 42 & 40 & 1 daughter, 38. The problem is the EX-WIFE...SHE NEEDS TO GET A LIFE!! We live in VA & 2 of the kids live in FL, the other lives in TX. All 3 are either married or in relationships & have children. When we have a family function in VA, the FL kids bring the EX along, like she is part of the family!?!?!?! She shows up at my door, unnannounced & un-invited with the kids & grandchildren. My dh (using dear loosely right now!) did have a conversation with both of them about not bringing her with them & to date (about 18 months), she has not come up but then we have not had any family functions. BUT, here is a prime example. ALL of us gathered in FL to celebrated the 40 y.o. sons birthday. Since my dh had just retired, I decided to have a "retirement party" while all of us were together. I made all the arrangements from "afar" and only asked that his daugher pick up the ballons. So guess what, his EX picks up the ballons, changes the colors I chose and the party favors, goes to the restaurant, sets it up and proceeds to show up for the party like she was invited!??!?!?! So, per usual, I took the high road & did not say anything. My anger was further compounded when they had the "40th" b-day party & I got stuck babysitting the kids (both son/daughter live on teh same street, 3 houses apart). I felt that it was not often that all the kids were able to be together so I offered to take the "1st shift" of watching the twins. Much to my dismay, 5 hours later, no one, including my husband (yes, he has a definite role in this!) came down to relieve me, in fact, when I went to the house to eat, they had packed up the food & put it away. My husband is of the mindset, "I don't love her, I don't care if she is around", but he is SLOWLY beginning to understand my feelings. To compound this, their marriage ended b/c she was cheating, however, the kids do not know this & they have been led to believe that their father, my husband was an a** to their mother & that's why they divorced. So he has taken the rap for years of being the bad guy. Rather than create waves, he just ignores it all. So, my current and most recent history is to not travel to FL to visit as the EX is constantly present during our visits, to the point of telling me how to care or feed the grandchildren. (I'm a mother & RN, I don't need directions!!) But, here's the kicker, every time my husband is down there & pictures are taken of events or activities, the EX manages to be by his side. So what gives?? My husband has had a very rare stroke which has affected his verbal abilities, he can talk but finds it difficult to get his thoughts out in a organized manner. So asking him to have a conversation with any of them is probably what needs to be done, but I would basically have to script it for him & then I feel like I'm making him do this, that it's not coming from him. I'm at a loss...and most of the time when things happen with the EX, I am so stunned that I don't even realize what she has done until I have left & get some perspective. My divorce was completely different, I have not spoken to or seen my ex in over 25 years. It was a complete severing of teh ties. We had a son who my EX never took an interest in & my current husband has been the father figure in his life. So any suggestions or ideas? I'm at the end of my rope!!! Clearly the kids play into the situation, viewing their mother as part of "our" family, they feel sorry for her (she is unemployed by choice) and at times, financially support her. Yes, we also pay for her when she comes to dinner un-invited! So we are literally feeding the situation. My husband is supportive of me in word but not in deed, when we argue, he blames this situation on my "insecurity"...if any of you knew me, I'm about as strong a personality as you can get, no signs of insecurity on my part...you can't be a critical care RN and be insecure!!! So, I'm looking for advice as to how to handle this entire situation without alienating his children. Thanx in advance.
OMG
I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm in the beginning stage of your problem. That I might be reading me 18 years from now. I hope not.
My thoughts are this. Men can be such pushovers. Some are too close to the forrest to see the trees. Some like to be passive, ignore it. She's a lonely woman. Women "have each other's numbers" if you know what I mean. All women have radars about one another - even before we even meet. Strange, but that gut feeling ends up giving you some sort of validation down the line.
It sounds like you are at the end of your rope with this and have been taking it. The only thing you can do is to communicate your feelings and what you would like to see change. Put your foot down. Tell your DH that the super duper Samonite luggage needs to be tossed or lost by the airline
I hear you and I can relate...
I don't have any answers for you but I can relate. And for those who think that problems go away when the kids grow up, think again....the issues just change! My husband too plays into situations...I am not sure why. Is he afraid to speak up? Not want to make waves? Agree with their way of thinking deep inside? Happy for us all to be one big group with the sks, his ex and her ex-cessories (gag). I am not really into that...maybe I should be, but I am not. Those kinds of fantasies I will read about in children's story books and on soap operas.
Thanx for your responses...sorry about your situations...
Well to OMG, all I can say is get it straight now. As I look back on it (18 years ago), I was much younger & was insecure, trying to adjust to being a SM to "children" 5 years younger than me. We had dated for 6 years so I wasn't a stranger. But at the time I just really didn't know how to respond to her or the situation. So many things happened without comment from me. As I have matured & "come into my own", I have become less tolerant of the situation. DH & I actually separated for a period of time. One of the conditions of reconciling was to address this situation. I know he had a conversation with both the FL kids (this was about 5 years ago) and they seemed responsive. His oldest in TX is estranged from his mother as he knows about her affair while married to dh, so dh didn't need to speak with him. But she is still in the picture every time we go to FL, is even in the car when we get picked up at the airport! I've solved this by renting a car. The other side to this situation is my 96 y.o. mother in law. She & the EX did not like each other when dh & EX were married, but now they are bossom buddies. The EX calls her all the time and says things like "I'll drive you to Maine to see your sister since I'm not working". Something my dh or I should do, but guess what, we work for a living!! I think mil maintains contact with her to get info on grandkids & g.grandkids. She talks trash about the EX all the time so I know she does the same thing about me to the EX. But what are you going to do? She's 96, soon to be 97!!! So, for that reason, I have maintained some decoreum about the situation. But the whole retirement party incident put me over the edge. It was further complicated when she "needed" a new car & did not have the $$. The kids kept telling us that they had to buy her a new car, like we were suppose to help pay for it. Once again, either stupidity or fear hit dh and of course he said nothing. When I mentioned it to him, he said "oh, I don't remember them saying anything"...they can be so clueless. Oh, just to add to the drama, (sorry I'm rambling but I haven't had anyone to talk to about this), they took "family pics" when we were all together for the party. I got dh to tell the photographer that I wanted a family pic without her in it. He did speak to the photo. & when they ask her to "step out" so we could get a family pic, I thought she was going to fall over!! Score one for me!! So here are my decisions on this to date. I don't go to FL with dh unless it is a really important situation (like the 40th b-day party). I was so stressed when I was there that I had to take Xanax and then the light bulb went off in my head, why are you doing this to yourself???? So, I stopped going. (I made this decision about 4 years ago, but she still is by his side in every pic they take when I'm not there, but I thought, if dh won't stand up for me, he can have her, fat & all!)
So, the saga will continue. I am firmly convinced that this situation has caused me so much anger b/c my husband will not address or handle this situation & thus I feel disrepected by him. Men can be so dumb! I also think that if I return to FL in the future, I'm going to tell the EX we would like to have some time with the kids, so to "take the day off" (she helps with the 4 y.o. twins everyday). I'm also going to ask sd to get a babysitter so we can go out to eat and tell the EX that we would like some dining time ALONE with the kids. I guess she will get the point?!? I just can't imagine myself ever pulling the crap she has, that is why I'm continually stunned. Everyone thinks that life gets better after divorce...all you do is trade old problems for new ones. And unfortunately, there is no "how to book" for how to deal with these situations. Furthermore, we are dealing with men who, even after 18 years, have not resolved their feelings of guilt regarding the divorce & thus can't address the current situation. I sometimes wonder if when "they" are all together, dh feels less guilt, like they are playing house!!! There are days that I want to throw dh under the bus. I do want to pass on a situation that happened recently. I don't wish this on any of you but I do think (in retrospect) that it helped establish my role. DH almost died on NY eve of a rare heart situation, he was helicoptered to a heart hospital where he did get better but it was touch & go for a while. Being the "insecure" RN that I am, I demanded certain tests be performed which literally saved his life. (it was inspiration, I can not take credit) During this entire ordeal, I also only called his oldest son, I told him, "you are the oldest, I don't have the strength to make numerous phone calls, you will have to call your siblings (FL kids) and be my point of contact for all information. Tell the FL kids to communicate through you." He gladly stepped up to the plate. The FL kids are very emotional & dramatic, all of which I didn't have time to deal with. We thank God everyday for his miraculous recovery; he is healthy and active with no residual problems. Once dh was better & home, he ultimately traveled to FL & TX to visit with the kids. He initiated the conversation in which he told all of them that he had lived a full life & was not afraid to die (he is 66). He did not want to ever be on a ventilator & if any decisions were to be made regarding his care, I was the one to make those decisions and THEY were to not interfere. Again, score one for me!! Their reactions were mixed but they agreed to support him. Of course we have all this in writing by our attorney, but I requested dh tell them this so I wouldn't be in the middle if anything ever happened to him. So, maybe we are making progress, but I swear, these are problems I never expected in this life. Good luck to all of you and hang in there. Being 18 years into it, I would do things differently, I would demand my role be acknowledged & kick the EX to the curb...would have also had a conversation with her years ago. Don't know if that helps any of you where you are at right now, but hope so. No one ever knows what is best, but I will tell you in retrospect, you are the only one that will take care of you, not dh & not his kids. We 2nd wives are just baggage to them.....sorry to say, but it's the truth, the kids just tolerate us and the EX hates that dh is happy with someone besides them. But for all my "arm flexing", my religious beliefs will always cause me to take the "high road" and try to forgive. Sometimes I think it might be best to suffer in silence to maintain the peace & then again, sometimes I think it would help if we just knocked all of them out and knocked some sense into our husbands!!!
Hope all of you have a good Easter!!!!
HOLY C***!
I could have written this!
Same thing happened 2 years ago with a graduation party for SD20 and SS25. BM had a party for them the day before ours (separate - which we did not join. Why would we?). Would you believe she had the NERVE to show up for DH's party for them!? Uninvited and unannounced. AND being that the party was out of state, she even had the nerve to stay overnight with ex-brother and sister-in-law!!! I was floored. Do hotels not exist?? There I was, helping with the shopping, prepping, cooking and cleaning for skids and she just showed up, ate, drank and enjoyed the party. I should also mention that I was 8 months pregnant when this happened. I was running around all morning helping with cooking and setting things up and sweating my butt off. After the party, the family adjourned to the brother and sister-in-law's home and would you believe that DH joined them???!!! I stayed at MIL/FIL's house cleaning the dishes from the party!! On the way home, SD came to our car and thanked her father for having the party. I got no acknowledgement whatsoever. I never felt so disrespected in all my life. I swore that would NEVER happen again. And I never went out of my way for the skids again either.
All I can say is check everyone's plans BEFORE you commit to anything. If she chooses to crash your party, stay behind. I know it's not right for you to have to withdraw from a family gathering, but it might be better than to do deal with that kind of stress anymore in the future. And NEVER, EVER, EVER pay for her meals, tickets, good times, etc. She is an adult and as an adult it is her responsibility to pay her own way. If she can't, I'm sure there are dishes that need to be washed. If you can't bring yourself to do this, then my other suggestion would be to pull her aside the next time this happens and tell her straight out that she has no place there, that it is your family gathering and that you would prefer that she make arrangements to see her family at another time. It might sound rude but hey, she's been rude to you for 18 years!