SD's birthday party
May 22, SD turns 6. I have been here since right before her 3rd birthday (I was too new to the situation so did not attend the party, though). The past two years, SO and BM have had joint parties for SD. I talked SO into doing them every year because I know SD loves having everyone she cares about in the same place for her.
In the past year, BM has really turned into a pain in the ass. She's stopped working with SO so well, they fight more than ever, and she has stopped talking to me altogether (we used to have a mutual respect in regards to our relationships with SD and we talked often about SD). She has become best friends with SO's other BM who is actively PAsing SD3, so I'm not really surprised by any of this.
Last month when working out dates for the party, BM planned for the weekend after SD's birthday. All was great for us on that day. Well then BM learned she had to work and switched it to memorial day weekend. Then she learned her sister was going to be out of town that weekend so switched it up to the 17th. Just so happens the 17th is mine and SO's 3 year anniversary and I had a nice surprise day planned for SO that day, SO's mom comes home late from a cruise that day, SO's sister lives over an hour away and has to work that day, and SO's father has a fishing trip that day. BM doesn't care that it doesn't work for any of SO's family, but she'll move it all around for her family. She expects SO to be at SD's party and to cancel our plans for that day or he's "being selfish and not doing it for SD." I had friends planning to join us for our anniversary, even seeing a friend I haven't seen since I was 16. Now I'm expected to cancel all my plans for BM. SO is paying for half the party and is expected to leave early so psychoBM can bring the other kid over without letting SO see her. WHY SHOULD MY PLANS BE CANCELED SO I CAN GO SIT AT A PARTY WITH BM'S FAMILY MISERABLY?? Like that's really the LAST place I want to be on our anniversary. BM won't even push the party back one day so everyone can be there because her family can't get drunk on Sundays because they have to work the next day (who gets drunk at a 6 years old's birthday party???). SO is mad at me, saying I was all for joint parties for SD in years before because it was whats best for SD but now that it inconveniences me, I want separate parties. He says he won't do a separate party for SD because it will be lame and she won't get as excited about it as she would over the big party with everyone together and it will be a waste of time and energy and money and blah blah blah.
I totally get what he's saying, but I'm so mad that I, once again, have to cancel and change all my plans around because of BM. Like I'm so annoyed I feel like crying. I was so excited for our plans and now I can't even do them. Our friends can't switch their days to work with us so it's all just a bust. I don't want to go to this freaking party but I don't want to have to make SO go alone. Better get used to it, right?
Vent over.
Separate parties. Always.
Separate parties. Always.
I agree always separate
I agree always separate parties. The kids always know when their is tention and it's their day let it be a good one for them. Well its their days I guess is a better way of putting it!
Aw, I'm sorry! I get where
Aw, I'm sorry! I get where your DH is coming from, but you're right, it totally sucks. A little sympathy from him would go a long way to making you feel better I'm thinking... maybe tell him that? "Yes dear, I DO want to do what's best for SD. It's just that sometimes that sucks and gets in the way of OUR life and I need you to understand that and show a little freaking appreciation and sympathize with me, OK?"
Edited to add: Oh, and since the birthday party is on your anniversary, think about how far it would go up BM's ass if you and SD did something special for your DH and presented it to him as HIS gift at the party.
HE IS CRAZY. No woman spends
HE IS CRAZY. No woman spends their ANNIVERSARY participating in an activity that involves BM. I would be livid if my SO thought this was okay. I know you meant well, but a precedent never should have been set to have joint parties, and what you have described above is exactly why. What a nightmare.
ETA - The joint party ruining your Anniversary plans is much more serious than an "inconvenience" and it's insulting for him to suggest otherwise.
Amen to that.
Amen to that.
And if he does cancel your
And if he does cancel your anniversary plans - well I guess that means you don't have much of a marriage to celebrate anyway.
This is awful, sad, and the truth. OP your story was one of the most infuriating posts I've read on here. His attitude towards his marriage is disgusting. You have the tolerance of a Saint.
BM changed the date TWICE and
BM changed the date TWICE and he's mad at YOU?? Omfg how dense can that boy be? It's your anniversary for crying out loud. He regards it as an inconvenience. Wow wow wow.
Tried the joint party as
Tried the joint party as well...did not work out. Ever since then we have done separate parties. We switch which group of kids come to which party (after school care or school friends), and to hell with what BM wishes. Tell you husband you will not go to this party, and if he decides to go, while skipping your anniversary, he can stay in a hotel that night. I am sure BM is aware what day she planned SD birthday, and is making it hard on you two.
Why can't he do both? The
Why can't he do both? The kid is 6. Her party should be over long before you start your celebration. Since the plan is for dad to avoid the other BM, he'll leave before the birthday party is over.
While he's at the party, plan spa time with your girlfriends.
I don't agree with joint
I don't agree with joint parties.
DH did it one year with me present. BM was just being weird. She completely ignored her youngest child (birthday close to SD's, 2 years younger) trying to prove to us how great of a mom she was to SD. We ended up helping him open gifts because she literally wouldn't even look his direction.
Last year DH & I drove up to take SD to lunch (BM lives 2.5 hrs away, it was a weekend & I am always up for a road trip). SD wanted to go play at a local kids play place & wanted her brother to go so she wouldn't be alone. That meant BM went. It was cordial enough, but there were times she tried to bring up conflicting things like "So, what are we going to do about the EOWE visits because it's not working for me" (IE she hates driving to the halfway point EOWE). BUT a week after she was worse than ever, calling to argue with DH, calling me all the time, texting 100x in a row complaining about DH or whatever. I blocked all communication from her, & this year we had a separate party. luckily SD was here her bday weekend - but if not it would have been another weekend.
She had a small party at our house & loved it. BM told us she was having her own party for SD with SD's brother & his extended family. Then when SD called & told her about her 'awesome party' BM got mad we didn't invite her. LOL.
Joint parties are fine if all
Joint parties are fine if all adults get along. DF and I have done joint things with SD17's mom and step dad. Hell, we even went to her 40th birthday party and her house warming.
We will never do anything with SDs9&6s' mom. She and I hate each other.
Did it once and never again.
Did it once and never again. She started to invite DH last year after you know the kids wanted more than just at home parties so she needed someone to pay half. He went to two alone. I was not invited ok whatever it was before we were married. I went to this years and it was horrible never again and neither will my DH if he knows what is good for him.
She wanted to act like happy family and he to me played into it but thats my DH always being nice and avoiding confrontation hes such a stupid male sometimes. She was commenting on my DH's appearance to others ugh bitch just ugh. Pretending that they get along so great for her family and friends. No we don't have a high conflict BM we are all civil but we are not as close and she was trying to act. I regret letting him go to the other two but did not expect that this is how she acted- or maybe she didn't and it was an act for me who knows and who cares. To add to it as soon as my back was turned she was vying for his attention telling him she met someone blah blah. No never again ever.
Oh hell no. As a person who's
Oh hell no. As a person who's bday is memorial day weekend....that is not a good weekend because everyone is busy regardless ....but besides that....
Do yourself the extreme favor and do separate parties. Your anniversary weekend versus the kid??? SO SO SO SO SO UNCOOL. I would be throwing a freaking fit if I was you.
Okay so "too bad" SO family can't make it, so now it's your PERFECT excuse that you all do your own special thing. Go to the zoo with a few friends then have a sleep over, or go to a movie, bbq, then sleep over......do something for YOURSELVES!!!!
I would never go to a family function where BM is there, thankfully that does not happen in the family im with.....I cannot imagine the amount of stress this puts on you...I am SO sorry!!! But really this is a great and PERFECT way to have a 2nd party and to let your SO see how great 2 parties can be!!!
^^^^^^ Just tell the girl
^^^^^^ Just tell the girl "Gee I can't make your birthday party but I've got something planned, lets keep it our secret for now". You don't want to alert BM to figure out a way to thwart it.
No way!! Do. Not. Do. It.
No way!! Do. Not. Do. It. Joint parties are just an excuse for BM to lord it over you. When I met SO, he did joint birthdays with BM and it was a major shock to me. First one was for SD and they went all out - BBQ with SO doing all the cooking and entertaining. He told me that this was what him and BM were used to and that he was going whether I liked it or not. I spent that afternoon confused and upset - without really understanding why.
This site saved my sanity. It made me see that it wasn't anything to do with our relationship - it was just BM controlling SO and him allowing her to. Last time that ever happened.
We have gone to Counselling and the Counsellor explained to us that by doing what he did, SO was essentially cutting me out and keeping the relationship with BM and SD as top priority. I saw red. SO was with me however, and he understood immediately. He hasn't done anything so insensitive and inconsiderate since then. He actually grew some balls and told BM they would not be having joint parties again. She didn't like this at all - but tough titty boom bitch!
Your DH is acting like a major moron who is being completely insensitive to his wife's feelings. He is putting his kid and BM first - making them a priority. He should be making plans with you to celebrate your anniversary. Dickhead.
If he keeps it up, I would let him know in no uncertain terms, that I am NOT comfortable with it and would start making plans to do things on my own. Let him know that this is the first step to you standing up for yourself, if he won't. If he still insists on going..I'd be asking why I'm in the relationship.