Control-freak
I need some suggestions as to how to deal with a crazy BM. I always knew the BM was going to be an issue but it keeps getting worse and worse. BM's perspective is that she is more important than anybody else because she is the MOTHER. The child's father is nothing more than a monthly paycheck (that she tells the SD he hardley ever gives her even though he often gives it to her EARLY to bail her out)...even though he is the rational & responsible parent. I have made it very clear to everyone that I have no intention of being taking over as MOTHER, but do intend to be the best SM that I can be and keep the child’s best interests at heart.
We just moved to a new home 30 miles away from where we used to live (and our jobs) in order to be closer to my SD11. The neighborhood has children close to SD11’s age and she truly enjoys living in our (MUCH NICER) home. It is clean and free of pet smells unlike her mother’s filthy, RANK house. SD has started to realize that her BM is manipulative and “miserable” (her words). She has told us often that she wants to live with us instead of her mom. Currently we have her every other weekend and one day a week.
Lately, BM has decided we must consult with her on EVERYTHING we do, or are planning ON OUR WEEKENDS in case it interferes with what she wants to do...but never gives us any notice of these events/activities,etc more than a few hours ahead. So logically it's all our fault and we are selfish bastards for not considering that her MOTHER would have plans for her blah blah blah. Any time SD11 has a birthday party, family in town, etc during ou weekend and we know about it ahead of time we have NO problem planning around it. KEY PHRASE--ahead of time.
Furthermore, in her opinion, I should have no interaction with her child unless it is discussed with her first. We've been married for 2 years and she's just NOW imposing that "rule". While I don't want to offend her BM, it would truly hurt my SD11's feelings if I flipped a switch and instantly became cold and distant. We have always had fun together and she has never been disrespectful to me because I'm not her mother. Am I really supposed to hurt her daughter's feelings because her pride is hurt?
One more thing and I'll let someone else talk haha. My husband's bday, our anniversary and Mother's Day are all within a couple weeks of each other. This year I thought it would be nice to take SD11 to have professional photos made to give to her mom & her dad. The photographer took mostly pics of her but also some of the two of us. It was all my idea to surprise her mother with them in nice frames....NOT SD11's. SD11 and I presented my hubby with 2 beautiful pics of the two of us. When she saw them, she went BALLISTIC. She said it wasn't my RIGHT to take her daughter to get her pictures made and should have consulted her first. I had no RIGHT to take a picture with her daughter. Just because she thinks in deceitful, manipulative, and devious ways, doesn't mean I do. It was genuinely good a good-hearted thought.
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My DH (not me) proudly
My DH (not me) proudly displayed the pictures of "his girls" in our new home (when they were taken our house was half in boxes due to the sale of hour home & moving) so she didnt see them until a few months later. I honestly didn't think that it would be an issue. Guess that was naive of me. I don't think in devious ways but since she does, she accuses everyone else of being that way.
Courts usually take a child's
Courts usually take a child's wishes into consideration at age !2. Maybe she could live with you guys soon.
This is typical BM control freak crap. Don't give her anything. don't let her in your house. Don't let her see you sweat. "No right to take pictures of her child." wtf-ever.
Is DH catering to her bs? If so, he's part of the problem and that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, what you guys do on your time, is none of her beeswax. Tell her to stuff it.
I have to give him props for
I have to give him props for not putting up with her BS but at the same time remaining calmn and keeping SD's best interests in site....which is extremely hard to do when you have someone LITERALLY screaming at you for 20 minutes straight. SD knows she is ALWAYS welcome in our house. My concern is that BM has started BRIBING her daughter to want to stay with her which is just a preview of what will come. She will pull out all the stops when it is time for SD to make that choice. It will probably be pure hell for a while, but worth it in the end.
i agree with stepmasochist
i agree with stepmasochist all the way!
OH---This is classic. Last
OH---This is classic. Last night it was "you'll never see her again, you'll be hearing from my lawyer (that she would never be able to afford IF she had one). My DH just emailed me to say that BM called all nice and sweet today asking for September's child support a month early. What can I do but laugh at how INSANE that is!!!!
"Last night it was "you'll
"Last night it was "you'll never see her again, you'll be hearing from my lawyer (that she would never be able to afford IF she had one)."
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SO used to hear this one everytime he'd challenge BM. The last time BM said this, SO firmly stated that we would be there to pick SS15 up with the CO and police in tow. Her threat was just that, a threat. Once SO took that power away from her and showed her that he wasn't itimidated by her threats, she no longer uses it.
My home is also "BM Free" and, because of SS15's age, both SO and I have completely cut off communication with BM. It's been the most peaceful 2 months! No BM drama at all!
She was in your house? If
She was in your house? If that is true, that is just one of the problems. Your house needs to be "BM Free".
Heck, if I didn't take
Heck, if I didn't take pictures of my skids, their mother wouldn't have any pictures of her kids since 1996! Yes, I take pictures and give her copies. Ball games, dance lessons, birthdays, etc. Now, she expects them and asks for them. I'm a scrapbooker. I give her all the yucky ones I wouldn't use- eyes closed, crooked smiles, bad shadows, etc.
The Christmas card pics might have all of us in it, but I usually make sure to just send her pics of kids only. Once, the Christmas card pic had Gibby, my son, not hers in it. Princess told me she cut him out! She said it was so sad to see the picture on the fridge with a whole in the center. Princess said she eventually ;lost" it when she was cleaning cause it bugged her so much that her mother couldn't accept they had another family.
BM should not be making plans
BM should not be making plans for skids while your dh has parenting time. If bm wants to make plans or family is in town etc, you need to switch weekends. That's what we decided to do after a weekend spent in the car riding back and forth from biofamily events that bm did not even attend -- oh but we did with skids how ackward is that! Also, we agreed the bm is not allowed in our house!!! No way, she is the type that would take things because she feels she is entitled to them.
We don't let Bm in our house
We don't let Bm in our house either. They have cell phones so we have her call when she's outside in her car. We never alternate visitations unless its for a vacation. Our court papers also read that when they are with us-we don't have to tell her what we do with the kids-if we go on vacation of course thats different-other than that its none of her business. She used to try to get child support early-we never let her get away with that. She gets it on the 1st and thats it. Our SD told us she wanted to live with us and we went through the court system to get full custody along with mediation. The BM was allowed to read everything our SD said-she treated her so horribly that our SD changed her mind! (She has a sister and BM put her sister against her also. Our SD said the court system let her down and she would never say anything about her Bm again! We just don't give her an inch because then she tries to always take advantage of us. As far as me reporting what I do with my step-children I never do that! If I'm allowed to take care of them then I'm allowed to have fun with them! I just wonder why people just can't be normal and think of there kids first! Who wants drama all the time? All it does is make the children miserable! They should be safe and happy in whatever home they're in-not just made pawns over someones jealousy! She's lucky to have you as a step-mother because some don't want to spend anytime with there stepchildren!
The only time BM comes to the
The only time BM comes to the house is to pick up the SD. She never made a big deal out of it and it was usually cordial until she saw the pictures and then it was made clear to her that if our home offended her, she was not welcome to step foot inside. I realized last night that the day that our SD told her that she "hated her and wanted to live with daddy" the BM has flipped a switch and has done anything and everything to take "control". DH and BM were never married and have nothing in writing (uhhh yeah I KNOW)or a court order.
Since she is so close to 12, would it be worth it to go now or wait until she is 12 and chooses? I'm worried that she will feel obligated to stay with her mother (mainly because BM is RUHLESS and will do anything--guilt trip, bribery, lying, etc to make sure she doens't live with us). I even suggested to my DH that we do 50/50 but he knows she wont' go for it since that would greatly reduce (or even remove) her CS.
Thoughts?