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Should SO include you when making/changing plans with baby mama/daddy?

Buzybee82's picture

This is one of our biggest issues. I feel that DH shouldn't change/make plans (besides parenting plan) without including me. BM is a huge, game playing manipulator. She ALWAYS changes the plan and NEVER follows the court ordered parenting plan. It says 6pm @ set location, every week she's calling MY DH at least 5 times and changing the plan. DH let's her walk all over him and bends over for her. She even changes the weekends we have her, adds time, takes away time, changes location, makes him pick up SD & drop off SD to her wherever she may be at the time. She ALWAYS does it last minute too. Calls the night before, tells him to get SD the next day at x time and x place. DH says "ok!" to everything and always tells me after the fact! Our whole 4th of July changed cuz we had to meet BM every demand. I'm past my due date by 3 days, could go any time now and BM dumps SD on us. DH agrees without talking to me! The bitch knows I'm over due and having a baby, and it's her "vacation" time with SD (14 days un interrupted) but of course she's fucking with the schedule.
It pisses me off to no end. I've asked, told, pleaded with DH to tell her we'll get back to her, talk to me, HIM AND I come up with what works for US, and get back to her.... but he never does. Partly because she's a skeezy bitch and will say "oh you have to ask your wife first, well fuck you then I'm keeping her" or " ooh you don't want more time with your daughter cuz you have to check your schedule, fuck u I'm keeping her" BULLSHIT! I've told him for 7 years he needs to stop doing everything the way she wants, but if he doesn't kiss her fucking ass all the time she makes life miserable.
Do you and your SO discusses things first of just do whatever the kids parent wants? does your SO handle everything regarding schedule? are you involved and have a say? need advice, this pisses me off!

Orange County Ca's picture

You knew this when you married the guy. You're right he's scared shitless that not only will she not let him take the kid but that ex will brain wash the kid into saying she doesn't want to visit EVER. All visitation step-parents are scared to death of that. You do not know what it is like.

But he can enforce a written court ordered visitation schedule including pickup dropoff locations but not if he doesn't have a spine. There is where you came in knowing this. Maybe, just maybe, that's why you married him??? Hmmmmm? Likely he's pretty easy going with you also isn't he? Can't have it both ways.

Well in a few years she'll be grown and the problem will disappear. Patience. Meanwhile you don't have to change your schedule. Ready to leave for the beach when step mom calls and says Dad can't pick up the kid for another hour. Well you go to the beach and he stays home to kill an hour and then do whatever he wants while you're watching the rest of the family swim. You don't have to be involved in the game if you don't want to.

Buzybee82's picture

actually he's not easy going with me... and it wasn't like THIS when I married him! I wouldn't have married him, that simple. But over the years this has evolved into this huge mess. BM is doing everything in her power to eliminate me from the picture. Like I said she is a game playing manipulating bitch! Years ago (when she had a boyfriend, and baby #2 with baby daddy #2) her and I did most the communication and planning. Every time she's dumped and single again she uses my DH and her boyfriend and someone she can control. She can't stand me cuz she's still in love with DH. They were never married and she only got pregnant to trap him... didn't work bitch. didn't work with baby daddy #2 either!
So still wondering about others in the blended family situation... does your SO make/ change plans with kids parent and include you or just tell you how it's going to be?

smartone's picture

This is the classic "Golden Uterus/Enabler" relationship and there is nothing you can do about it.

Do you really WANT to be involved in this mess? I'm sure there are times that it affects you, but only worry about those, and if you can't meet the schedule change, don't change your plans.

I dealt with the same crap. Just didn't marry it Smile

herewegoagain's picture

My DH did this for a while. Well, since he decided that he should do that because it was his kid, then I decided since it wasn't my kid it was irrelevant if I was around or not. So, if he changed plans BEFORE telling me, then I just made my own plans. No reason for him to complain that I didn't discuss MY plans with him. He eventually stopped, but ONLY because he felt like crap when I made plans without him in mind.

TASHA1983's picture

Sometimes a taste of their own medicine is the BEST medicine to cure what ails you.... Wink

If he is going to continue to make/change plans without consenting or discussing it with you FIRST then you need to do the same....period.

That is the only way a man seems to get the point these days...

Still Have Hope's picture

This was my life 12 years ago. BM dropped skids off at our home the day after I got out of hospital with newborn DS and was home alone with infant and 2 year old DD. DH had left on a business trip and forgot to tell me he had agreed to let BM leave kids with me so she could finish her Xmas shopping. I let him know i was not his babysitter. Like the others said, I started making plans and carrying on with out DH and skids. I told him he could let BM run his life but not mine. Finally he got the message. It took years. Thankfully skids are grown now and we see them every other month or so. No longer have to deal with BM at all.
Make your plans. Call friends and family, go, see and do without him. Tell him to let you know when he is free to do something with you.

OMG_Why_Me's picture

I agree with Still Have Hope. My SO would do the same thing, change plans to accomodate BM and his kids when last minite crap would come up. It seemed that SD schedule was always changing on our days/weekends and no one knew about it any sooner than 30 minutes before we were to go get the kids. It used to drive me crazy and finally I stopped letting their changes affect my life. I would do what ever it was that I was scheduled to do. I would leave without them. One time my SO asked if he could meet us later after he got the kids and I told him NO. It would be too late and dinner would be over. You can have dinner with your children tonight on your own. He asked me what they could have/do for dinner. I said I don't know and I don't care. You figure it out! he got the idea and our ocurance of that crap has reduced significantly.

Stand your ground, tell him how you feel, don't bottle it all up. He has more to consider than his kids and the BM.

dreadingit's picture

DH used to let BM change/make plans & demands and never tell me until it was time to go (or not go). I think he was mostly just trying to avoid bringing her up to me, because I could never hold my tongue about what a raging stupid lazy beeotch she is. I've kind of gotten a handle on my comments, and once I told him that I felt like he was in a family with bm & the skids, and my son and I were in another family on our own, he has made an effort to talk to me about changes (most of the time).

Buzybee82's picture

that's totally how i feel, like DH, SD & BM are a family, and my kids and I are a family. I've told him that, doesn't seem to make him want to change. I think he's just a big ball-less pussy when it comes to BM. She had and will take court ordered time away.

Buzybee82's picture

what's the "correct" answer? Should we as step patents have a say in scheduling with the skids? Or is that not our place and SO have every right to handle anything involving their kids/bm?

LaVieEnRose's picture

My DH would do the same thing. He still does it, but sometimes he will try to remember and talk to me first.
When he does discuss it with me first and asks my opinion, it doesn't even matter though. He will still do whatever he wants.

Just a couple a days ago I was hurrying up to get dinner ready so SD could eat before she had to leave to go back to BM. DH always wants her to have a good cooked meal before she goes back to BM, because he thinks BM doesn't feed her enough or healthy enough. I had dinner ready on time and told her to come sit down because it was getting late. While we were eatin they all were taking their time and when I told DH he was going to be late, he told me SD wasn't leaving. Him and BM agreed she was spending another day. I told him next time I'm cooking when I feel like it and I'm not going to time it around when SD leaves. If I'm done cooking before she has to go, good for her, she gets to eat. Else not my problem.

B22S22's picture

I agree with realmccoy... ultimately the schedule is between DH and BM. HOWEVER, DH also needs to realize his decisions may have an impact on me and my kids.

Have there been times I've gone someplace without him because plans changed at the last minute? You bet... one time was a planned 3-day vacation. BM called just a couple hours before we left, wanted to dump the kids on him and he graciously accepted. Then said "we" couldn't go because he had to get the kids. I left him at home.

Have there been times when we're sitting down to a meal and the skids show up (DH knew, I didn't) and there's not enough food prepared? Yup. And I asked DH what he was going to do about it because I sure as hell wasn't going to give up my dinner time/family time with my kids to stand and cook ANOTHER meal if he didn't have the courtesy to tell me about it ahead of time.

There was even a time when BM called DH at work saying she was sick and needed to bring the SK's over right now cause she couldn't handle them AND be sick at the same time. He called me and I said if she could have them here by 6:15pm (a mere two hours from the time he called) that would be fine, but my kids and I had plans and were leaving at 6:30pm ON THE DOT. 6:30 came and went, no call from her, so we left. DH got an earful from her at 9:30 because she was sitting at our house and NOBODY WAS HOME, and then DH in turn got angry at me. Hell no. Just because she can't tell time or be on time anywhere to save her life isn't my problem. At least I was upfront about my timeframes and expectations.

Has my DH got the hint? Yup, but it didn't happen the first time around, or even the second. I had to actually hold firm to MY PLANS and MY AGENDA to get the point across, because no amount of begging and pleading for him to at least let me know who, what, why, when, or how was doing any good.