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My Girlfriends Daughter!!!

wub901's picture

OK where do i begin my girlfriend is 41 i am 37 her daughter is 13 she has two other kids aged 15 and 10 who i get on with fine.

They see there dad Tuesdays and Wednesdays and every other weekend he was in a relationship with somebody but it didn't work out and last week told his kids that he has met somebody else and they would be able to meet her soon.

Last Thursday the kids came home the 13 year old was in a weird mood and was being naughty i lost my temper with her and told her off which her mum has always backed me up on and i would with my daughter when we got home she asked her daughter what was wrong seeing as she had came home in a weird moon but she wouldn't tell her mum why then wrote her a note to her note saying please read alone basically saying I have no right to tell her off and saying they she would go and live with her dad.

Now up until they went to their dads I thought I had a reasonably close relationship with the 13 year old and things were going great with me and the whole family situation.

On the Friday they went to their dads for the weekend and she starting saying that I was trying to take her mum away from her and that she wouldn't come home and would live with her dad if I was still here by the time she had to come back.

She then started saying that her mum would always sit with me and not her which isn't true as before she went to her dads in the week she would sit next to her mum and have a cuddle.

She also starting saying how she wanted a holiday with just her and her mum so they could have alone time together.

I feel her daughter is playing some kind of game as when we saw them in town shopping she seemed happy and had a smile on her face.

me and her mum have both tried talking to her last Friday night she started again saying stuff like how her mum didn't spend time with her and sit next to her any more and generally giving lots of attitude towards her mum her brother and older sister wer,e going on a scout camp on the Saturday so i thought it would be a good idea that she had a friend over to stay the Saturday night and that we would go to the cinema and for something to eat which her mum agreed and asked her daughter,s friends mum if that was OK however after she started giving t he attitude on the Friday we both agreed that she did.nt deserve to have a friend over to stay.

On the Saturday morning she started getting funny because i wanted to go shopping after we dropped the other two off at camp and was saying "why does he have to go" and that she has a right to say goodbye to her brother and sister.

We then went shopping and then went to my girlfriends mother who also had a chat with her about how she was making everybody unhappy and she seemed to change her attitude.

On the Sunday the other returned from their scout camp the youngest was tired and trying to relax but she just started annoying him and everybody else.

On the Monday which was the 30th she went to school my girlfriend when to work but asked me to strip t he beds on doing so I found her diary and had a look inside.

It basically said that she was unhappy that the other two had to come home and that i was trying to be her dad (which i am not).

Her sister has told her mum and me that she has been taking pictures of beds both here and her own dads bed which i find quite disturbing.

I ended up losing it with her on the Monday night and shouted at her which i know was wrong but by girlfriend did back me up which was good.

She went to her dads on the Tuesday and Wednesday and sent her mum a text saying that i have no right to shout at her as I am not her dad or her family and that i am not in her life.

Me and my girlfriend arnt sure on how to deal with her so some reasonably mature advice would be great.

Starla's picture

Take a good deep breath & please accept my compliment "your doing a great job here". Your going to have to let her mother handle this one. She is pushing buttons & all girls do! Her mother is going to need to put her foot down on this or the girl will only get worse. For what ever reason or reasons, the daughter wants you out of the picture. We do not like another man yelling at us if he is not our birth father. She may be hearing you shout but not necessarily listening to what you are saying. It would be great if her birth dad also had your back but where & how does he stand in the picture? With or without his support, I would suggest that your wife nips this behavior in the butt & have consequences when she behaves like that.

As for you reading her diary, that is wrong but I feel you & her mother should. Only you can never lead on about it & what you read. It is wrong to snoop yet we are suppose to know what is going on in our children's life. If it feels right do it & once the book is shut, it stays there.

discfocused's picture

I would just tell her that you may not be a parent, but you are still an adult in the household that she lives in so it is still necessary that she respects you. I have to say though I don't really agree with you reading her diary. Unless you are in fear for her safety and well being, that is her own private journal and you have no right to read it; if anyone has a right to read her diary it would be her mother. I I had found out my step parent or anyone else for that matter read my diary at 13 I would have been mortified. She is 13 years old and around that age, many changes are occurring. Just keep showing her support and make it obvious that you may not be her parent but you do care about her. I hope things get better between you and her.

wub901's picture

@Starla No her dad does,nt support me in fact i have heard that he told them to tell him if i shouted at them she talks to her mum like a piece of shit and i would,nt take that form my own kid but im expected to just sit there and do nothing with her which frustrates me to no end.

2nd Time Around's picture

It's a shame dad doesn't support the fact that you are defending mom... but they are divorced and why does he care... Sad.. but this is the approach some bio parents take...

Try this it takes a while for TEENs to come around:

"I know I am not your father, but I love your mother, and I will not allow you to disrespect the woman I love. I should hope you wouldn't let me disrespect her either... So it works both ways..."

And I would ask things like this...

Why doesn't your dad want to support you respecting your mother?

Is he happy when you verbally abuse her?

Do you think it's ok to talk to her like that, and if so, is this how you wish to be talked to when we dissagree with you?

BabyDoll's picture

Believe it or not, this is normal behavior for this age. My daughter was once this age. Girls start being difficult around the age of 13 and their behavior seems to escalate until they well into their early 20's. All I can say is that it must be the hormones. Good luck!

Orange County Ca's picture

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

wub901's picture

well im at my wits end and cant stand to be in the same room as her so take myself upstairs shes making everybody miserable the other two hate her for the way shes treating thier mum and me .

capt_lou's picture

Been there done that.

FSO's daughter is 15 and she hates me cause I am a "Monster" for not letting her talk to everyone in the house like they are POS.

I dissengaged and pretty much did my own thing in the house. I would not acknowledge, intervene or put any effort into her at all. If she was watching TV in the living room and I wanted to also, I would walk in, take the remote and change the channel.

It is my house not hers. Don't let her run you off, remind your GF that she deserves to be happy too and if yo were not around or left would she be miserable and stuck with a spoiled brat for a daughter who just wants her way.

As for the Ex, F him. I laugh at my FSO's ex all the time, he is a miserable little man who can't get a woman.

wub901's picture

I agree with you and i get on fine with the other two the 10 year old came home and gave me a hug yesterday but i have told my GF as far as the 13 year old is concerned i want nothing to do with her which has been the advice from some of my friends too!

2nd Time Around's picture

I wrote this in the Step Dad's forum a week or two ago...

The one thing I would suggest is NOT shouting, or TELLING off...
You are not their Father...
so a calmer approach will be much better recieved...

MOM can scream all day long...she has every right too...

I always try to use the calmest approach... When I do YELL...
(it does happen)
I ask if they prefer this... or my calm method...
(We already know which they prefer)
They aren't stupid... they are TEENS... and they CAN be reasoned with...
But you have to be FIRM, and 1 step ahead of them.

If you read my original post in the other forum you will see one SD17 almost 18 WAS quite the hell raiser... and the younger one briefly tried to pull the You're not my dad.... But I explained "in a letter" it helps get all your thoughts out... CALMLY" "All the positive things I provide" and explained ... that 95% of the time it's good to have me act like thier parent...
That I would be proud to call them my daughter but I can't...
(Even the troubled one)

And that I am not trying to be their father.. and I am NOT in COMPETITION with him... But there are rules we all need to live by... and I am supporting thier mother and making sure they are learning them...

And if they don't want my "Discipline" then they can't use my "Resources"
Fortunately, I have the resources to Change thier lives...and I have been very good to them, so they see what having me vs. not having me around is...

Things I say to my teenage step daughters :

"You don't have to be blood to be a parent..."

"I know I am not your father, but it doesn't mean I can't love you like one... and the best part is you can't stop me..."
(usually when I have done something above and beyond... Picking the right moment for this statement enhances it's effect reminding them.. I don't have to do this... I choose to do this...)

"I will love you more than you want me to, and less than I think I should..." might need to explain this one to them... it is kind of a riddle..

"I know I am not your father, but I love your mother, and I will not allow you to disrespect the woman I love. I should hope you wouldn't let me disrespect her either... So it works both ways..."

"Thank you for sharing your mother with me." cause let's face it.. they are...they need to know you are NOT going to take their Bio parent away from them... Most kids feel THREATENED by Stepparent, due to percieved LOSS of ATTENTION...( The WHAT about me syndrome )

Things I do for my teenage step daughters::

I don't see myself as a Dad to them... I regard myself as their mentor, teacher, and life coach...

I find time to provide a motivational / inspirational quotes, as it relates to the "issue" of the week... (Google is an amazing tool.) Character, Procrastination, Patience... Hell you might learn something yourself... I HAVE...
Try to pick the POSITIVE ones...

I keep a LEVEL head when asking 2 and three times for them to do something... but when they ask me to do something... I usually remind them...
I had to ask you ____ times to do _______. come back and ask me again later...and let me know how that feels... but I also do what they ask... as I say it...

Kids will be kids...they are moody, lazy, slobs, growing out of having their buts wiped for them...

Hang in there.. STAY POSITIVE, STAY CALM...

wub901's picture

Well i do regret loosing it like i did but she still continues to sit on the other sofa and ask her mum to come and sit with her in a pathetic voice.

And even said that she was going to live with her dad after this weekend pretty much everything she is doing is to get a reaction from her mum!

such as continually saying i love you to her mum.

2nd Time Around's picture

She is 13? Yes... Pathetic... She may be having Self Esteem issues, My first set the younger Daughter was like this.. and the second set of girls... The older is like this...

How long have they been dealing with the separation of Bio Parents?

wub901's picture

About 2 years and im the 1st guy thats her mum has been with since they split up she has gone to her dads for the weekend and said that after this weekend shes going to live with him

Smomof3's picture

This is so normal for a girl...my SD14 acts like everything is an injustice committed against her. She wanted to monopolize both parents and is typicaly rude and offensive to everyone. You just have to refuse to tolerate the disrespect. I don't think it's a self esteme thing, I think it's a control issue. Kids like to control things especially at that age. We started enforcing the theory of "Your a kid and you dont' get an opinion" and it's made our lives so much easier.

Things will work out but Mom has to handle this.

2nd Time Around's picture

Well, let the situation cool down...
Anytime you try to "Parent" they see it as... you are trying to be my "Father"/"Mother" when really you just see the need for reasonable order or at least civil behaviour and language...

They are teens, with a very limited VIEW of the world...
It's always VERY black and white to them...

You are the outsider... here to take her Mother away from her...
INFLICT Chores, and discipline... and they view it all as NOT necessary...

My experience has only been where "Bio Dad" was useless, and couldn't keep a roof over his own head nevermind take care of a child...
If this Dad can provide a place, and wants too... let him...

If Dad is actually in the picture, and helpful... Good...
If Dad is not... Can he be reasoned with in regard to correcting her behavior towards her mother? If he can't be reasoned with... let the child go to dad...

Eventually, the teen will get frustrated with him for something... and she will try to play back and forth games... this is when the bio parents have to put up a truce flag and work together for Teen...

wub901's picture

@2nd Time Around I wrote her a letter saying sorry for the stuff i said to her and for reading her diary which she read but did,nt comment on it.

I also said in the letter that i wasnt trying to be her dad or trying to take her mother away from her but that i would,nt allow her to talk to her mother like she was a piece of shit

she came back on Sunday from her dads in a reasonable mood after texting her mum about a holiday for just the two of them which her mum told her we all go or none of us go and that it was unfair for just the two of them to go on their own she was being annoying last night but i stepped out and just let her mother deal with her and have partially disengaged from her as she is completely different from her brother and sister who i get on great with.

Her dad does,nt know about any of what has gone on here and i mentioned to my girlfriend that maybe she should at least tell him but she just told me that i was a waste of time as he would just blame her behaviour on me.

However when she managed to text her dad to tell him that she had her phone and ipod taken off of her for being mean to everybody he text my girlfriend and said that he didn't have any trouble from her when she was with him.

I agree on what you say about me being the outsider as a few of my friends have also said that to me as well.

@Smomof3 I agree with what you are saying i have told my girlfriend to just ignore her when she brings out the attitude as it is to draw attention to herself.

buterfly_2011's picture

"Now up until they went to their dads I thought I had a reasonably close relationship with the 13 year old and things were going great with me and the whole family situation"

Your words " I thought I had" your first mistake was thinking that. She may not see you as a part of the "family" because for her the "family" is still her mom and dad. Sadly I have realized this never changes in kids. Not mine and not anybody that I know.
Just when you think things are working out kids pull the rug out from under you without any hesitation. I feel for you. This won't change. Skids are mean. They are cruel and they are selfish.

2nd Time Around's picture

I agree... they are selfish by nature...

Figure... for the last up to 9 - 17 years (Generalizing for all reading)... MOST if not all of thier NEEDS have been supplied to/for them...
And all of a sudden WE (Parents) Step or Bio... are saying things like...
"You can do that for yourself..."
And they are like... WAIT... what just happened... "I'm still a kid here.." so the Rebelion starts... if they are successful.. IT CONTINUES... (So get a GRIP QUICK)

Now... as for the child wanting some alone time with mom... TELL MOM.. Let it happen...
She's BEGGING for DIRECT attention...
Maybe don't give her exactly what she wants... but you both have to realize...
She may not be adjusting to INSTANT and or Separated Family that well...
and a little "Mom" time isn't unreasonable... if anything...

A little "Mom" alone time with each of the kids seems the "FAIR" thing to do...
Especially if MOM has been on the BUSY side, or spending alone time with Man...

Remember Middle child will always say "What about me?" Older gets to do things first, younger gets things still taken care of... Middle child sees both... and doesn't always COMPUTE... it's an AGE thing...

wub901's picture

OK so its been around 3 weeks since I last posted on here and after my letter to her things seem to have quietened down a bit however sd13 has now decided to make her mum give up smoking and told her that she can have two a day to help her give up now that's fine but i think that she should be giving because she wants to give up not because her 13 year old has told she has to give up as part of a deal to get her to behave.

2nd Time Around's picture

Well... this is interesting...

Classic, manipulation... change the direction from them to you...

BUT...

Sounds like the 13 year old has an issue with Mom smoking...
I tend to agree with the 13 year old... (Granted I am not a smoker)

BUT...
Mom isn't setting a good example... and TEENS...
who are entering adulthood...HAVE OPINIONS...

Regardless, behavior on both sides is required... LEAD by Example...

If the teen is saying she would like her mom to stop smoking...
She has a right to her opinion... and I would hope MOM recognizes...
The teen at a minimum doesn't want to be Smoked around...
(if that is happening)

It's not like the child is asking for an iphone for good behavior...
She is trading her mothers, and her own lungs for it...

My thoughts would be...
Your right "child" I/WE will do better and MAKE and effort... but I expect the same from you... on your "attitude, behavior, language"

Change the wording so it is not a Tit for Tat... meaning if you don't quit I don't have to behave... but a WE both need to work on this together... you're nagging them on something they need nagging on...
and it sounds like she feels as though Mom could use some nagging about something too... NOBODY's perfect...
but working together as a FAMILY... is what you are trying to do.

my .02

wub901's picture

Ok well its seems that SD13,s behaviour changes around her time of the month now i have heard that the doctor can help with things like that however SD13 has told her mum that she wont go to the doctor.

My parter usually gets a text around 11.30 at night from SD13 saying that she cant sleep but it only seems to happen around her time of the month.

2nd Time Around's picture

REALLY... He is NOT concerning himself with it...
They Tell HIM... MY girls certainly TELL me...(NOT that I WANT to KNOW)
And yes there is a noticible change in attitude...

I had a friend and his step daughter had some VERY serious behaviour problems associated with "that time"

Took the doctors at Boston Childrens Medical nearly three months to figure out the issue... when she was 13...

She is now 18 still on the meds... and starts College in the fall...

wub901's picture

Well things have been going OK and I have finally had enough of this shit and decided that it is time to try and get some her from SD13,s dad after she smashed an empty bottle of wine by accident and refused clean it up bearing in mind we have a dog who is most likely to eat the broken glass.

SD13 then decided to send her mum a text stating why she hates saying that she hates me because i told her brother to stop kicking the dog!!!

Orange County Ca's picture

From her point of view you are trying to replace her Dad or at least that's as good an excuse as any for not wanting to treat you as an adult but as a non-entity.

Has anyone thought to tell her that maybe she's right and she should live with Dad? Like as not two weeks will be enough for her to come running back with a new attitude. Either way it'll put an end to that option for her. And, hey, if she likes it better there, isn't that good?

wub901's picture

Its funny you should mention that as i have told OH that she should tell her ex that sd13 Will be going to live with him for 2 weeks as so have others members of her family and friends and i agree with you 100%

2nd Time Around's picture

These are the trial and tribulations of "Step Teens" or even TEENS in General...

Broken bottle, the question for me was how was the request to clean it up handled...

I agree, it needed to be done immediately due to the dog...

But what was her consequence for NOT doing it?

If this happened with me...

Calmly and patiently:

EVERYTHING in the house stops until request is satisfied, and Dog would have been put someplace safe... and anything they thought they were going to do... is now on HOLD

And if none of this could happen...some other request would have been created IN LIEU of cleaning this mess... and ANYTHING they think they are doing gets "CALM", interferrence...

So they get the picture... Just because it was an accident doesn't RELIEVE you of the responsibility for cleaning it up... Hell I would even offer to HELP them... as long as it was a GENUINE accident... Saying come on I'll help you... and then give them direction on HOW to clean it up... cause if She is not USE to cleaning even that can be a challenge on understanding what to do...

Here is an example of something I did JUST YESTERDAY...
Granted the response didn't need to be immediate...But... this will show you the patience, and the value of creating consequenses... and FOLLOWING through on BOTH "REWARDS", and "INTERFERRENCE"... Battling with TEENS goes back and forth...
but you have to start winning the battles.

This weekend Bio mom said all weekend wash "YOUR" towels... wash "YOUR" towels... they both seemed to REFUSE, and keep taking mom's towels...

I let it go on all weekend...(Patiently waiting)

Knowing they were planning to go to the beach on Tuesday...(Schools out, SD18 has car I provided, as well as all road side assistance for...)

So... Monday night... when they still had not done the towels...

I simply walked upstairs and said...Calmly and directly

The towels will be handled tonight... your mother has asked NUMEROUS times...
and NOW I am sick of hearing her... SO...
Between the two of you, FIGURE it out...Get the towels done or...
the car simply won't start tomorrow...
(I put a remote Starter Interupt in her car, so from my phone I can make sure the car won't start anytime, anywhere... I love technology, the girls think I physically do something to the car each time... they still haven't realized it's installed)

Then I followed up with... I am sure you don't want me involved in this as I am NOT your FATHER... but...
I don't want to hear your mother OVER and OVER and OVER again...either... and since I provided the car... I will take it away, if you don't follow through on your responsibilites, and your mother's requests.

Being they know I am a man of my word...
because I follow through on all the "GOOD" things I tell them I am going to do...
SOMEONE marched downstairs... Not sure who... but someone did... and got it started.

What was truly happening was THEY were arguing who's TURN it was to do them...
Which no one discussed with MOM...

I figured that out when I went upstairs and was calm, direct,and explained what the consequenses of NOT getting it done was going to be...
It was clear they were "Fighting" about it..
Was I the bad guy... Probably... but I don't care either...

I patienlty waited to make sure the PUNISHMENT was going to be for BOTH of them...
Sure it took a few days... but... they got the message...

Honestly, they were listening... when I went upstairs the towels were in a basket... waiting to go downstairs... been there ALL WEEKEND...

My Point: TEENS ARE STUBBORN... GAIN LEVERAGE...

wub901's picture

OK so today SD13,s Dad came round for a chat we spent around and hour deciding how we should work this out I pointed out to him that I didn't what to be their dad and that I would like some support from him in helping to raise his kids.

WE both agreed that if SD13 decides to use the "I will go and live with dad routine" then that is what she will be doing and he agreed with me he also agreed that she needs help and needs to get used to the idea that although I may not be her father I do still have the right to discipline her as I am still an adult in the house and she needs to do as her told.

I mentioned to him the things she had done and he was completely shocked and her behaviour towards both her mother and myself and we all agreed that she needs to see somebody to resolve her issues.

2nd Time Around's picture

THIS IS PARENTING... FOR the GOOD of the CHILD... UNITED...

There is NO excuse for Crazy BS Behavior...

Teens have opinions, and they should have the right to VOICE them...

BUT

They can't be swearing at people, hurting others, refusing to clean up after they make a MESS... and they must learn to argue FAIRLY...

So Congrats... sounds like Bio Dad is stepping up...That's HUGE...

One thing I would do when talking to her...
Try to be conscience of the harsh words such as DISCIPLINE, Punishments, and such...

This is and EXCERPT of something I just WROTE Recently to my SD18...
After she used the "He's not my father statement to her mother"

Take what you will from it... I wrote her something similar at 6 months with Mom... and virtually just wrote this to her last week almost a year later...

Because they are TEENS... and you have to tell them 1000 times... cause it doesn't always sink in the first 100...

Again this is just a portion of it...

Becoming self sufficient will require “Education” and guidance from people who want to see you succeed… (which includes ME)
I am simply striving for…(Communication, communication, communication)
And as long as you are "Getting it done" I will support your needs, freedom, and as many of your wants as I can.

But you can't have all my support without acknowledging me as a “Parent”, “Mentor”, “Teacher”, and someone who loves and cares about you… especially when you cross the line, or begin to show signs of procrastination, laziness, selfishness, or other negative factors…

Sorry, that’s just the way the world works…

SO!

When your mother needs/wants support getting a point across, I will assist her. (it’s my job as her partner)

When you need/want support getting YOUR point across, I will assist you. (it’s my job as your friend)

Sometimes I will get involved when you think I shouldn't...BUT I ALWAYS TRY to BE FAIR & REASONABLE!!!

Most times your mom is just asking my opinion… and many times this has worked in YOUR favor!!!

I will never expect you to say "I love you" to me, Although, I won’t stop you should you ever decide to…

I will ask for a hug occasionally, I know it seems awkward… but that’s what people do when they care about each other… (AND I CARE ABOUT YOU)

I will attempt to never TELL you to do something...
I think you see, I ask... even a number of times if necessary.
(Politely, respectfully, and most of what I ask is "REASONABLE” and relates to your own responsibilities)

If you are asked to do something... Please make an effort, not a face, or lie about it… tell me why you feel it is NOT your responsibility, or tell me why you feel it is MORE than your share to support your MOM, or sister. I will listen, I may not agree, but I will listen and I will re-explain my or your mother's position, until we have agreement, and understanding.(Communication, communication, communication)

Just like when you ask your Mom & Me... We respond as quickly and to the best of our ability to your requests, or we outline what we will or won't do... AND WHY...
BUT I NEVER SAY CAUSE SHE'S NOT MY DAUGHTER...

I will do what you ask of me within reason; I think I have proven that so far to you…
What you do with the knowledge, experience, love, guidance and discipline I share with you is for you to decide...

I am not here to control you or to make your decisions for you…
I am here to love you, support you, educate you, inspire and motivate you.

Below is a list of just some of the things I have done for you in the past year…
Most have been without you asking, Maybe you think I did it because I wanted to buy your affection
I assure you that’s NOT the REASON…I have no desire to buy your affection…
I don’t believe anyone can “BUY” affection…

I hope you see, I care about you and want you to be happy…I have tried to establish a rewards & love based approach for supporting you, in the hope you will respect my guidance, and judgement.

Then I listed at least a page of what I do for her when acting as if...
she is my daughter...

It's called raising a teenager.. and I have seen plenty of Bio parents fail...

wub901's picture

Well I could,nt agree with you more Bio dad is going to talk to SD13 tonight and try to explain things to her her also seem to think that part of her problem is due to the divorce and part of it is jealously however after I explained to him that if thing progressed with him and his current partner then I am sure that his partner would also be telling her off and asking her to do things around the house they get pocket money and I don't believe they should get it for sitting on their asses all day to which he also agreed.

I do feel like a slight weight has been lifted and do feel that we should of got him involved as soon as these things had started to emerged.

wub901's picture

Email from bio dad which SD13 mum got today

I’ve been thinking about all that we have talked about over the last few days with regard to sd13. I have also spoken to my sister about it and a few other people who know sd13, like my ex girlfriend. Hope you don’t mind but its worried me and an outsiders opinion is always worth while.

The thing that they are all saying is that sd13 is crying out for your attention, your sole attention. She is not getting as much positive attention as she would like so we believe that she is trying to get attention by kicking up a stink, i.e. negative attention.

Yes I agree that they all need discipline, but I think sd13 is being naughty to get the attention she is seeking. I do hope that he never resorts to physical discipline !!

The other thing that was said is that both ss10 and sd15 have lots of things to do, look how many clubs etc ss10 goes to, Swimming, Cubs, Kick boxing, and how many things sd15 does. But sd13 doesn’t do any of that. I know she has never been into clubs, but I think she feels left out. The only thing that sd13 does is dog training and I know she enjoys it.

We think the issues you had with her before you two met were all due to her hormones and no doubt she still has some out bursts due to that know and will for a while.

So we think you need to give her some one-to-one time as often as possible, like going shopping, going swimming etc..you know she would enjoy this one-to-one time. I’m sure she would have been looking forward more to the Race for Life on Sunday, if it had just been you and her.

I realise that he is part of all their lives now. But look at when we where together, the kids still had one-to-one time with each of us when they wanted it, doing individual things. That is what they are used to and I think sd13 is missing it more than the other two. She loves her Mom and wants to have Mom/Daughter time doing girly stuff.

As a suggestion, if you don’t have any other time, when I take just ss10 to Camiels, why not do something special with sd13, just you and her. Surely a few hours without him wont hurt for the benefit of making sd13 happy again. I could pick her up from where ever you are or you could drop her off when you have finished ?

I hope this helps a bit. I put it in an email rather than phone you because I thought I might forget to say something. We both want Kirsty to be happy again and I really think this would help.

Cheers
bio dad and the sd13 support group.

2nd Time Around's picture

Earlier in this thread I wrote this..
Now... as for the child wanting some alone time with mom... TELL MOM.. Let it happen...
She's BEGGING for DIRECT attention...
Maybe don't give her exactly what she wants... but you both have to realize...
She may not be adjusting to INSTANT and or Separated Family that well...
and a little "Mom" time isn't unreasonable... if anything...

A little "Mom" alone time with each of the kids seems the "FAIR" thing to do...
Especially if MOM has been on the BUSY side, or spending alone time with Man...

Remember Middle child will always say "What about me?" Older gets to do things first, younger gets things still taken care of... Middle child sees both... and doesn't always COMPUTE... it's an AGE thing...

ADDED comments:

And if Both kids have LOTS of activities.. and MOM is running all over town... for them... The ABANDONMENT feeling is already set in at this age...cause they are being told to take care of themselves MORE...
coupled with Divorce...
And now some NEW guy taking even more MOM time...

It makes a little sense...

IT doesn't EXCUSE POOR Behavior... but a little attention, and some effort to FILL her time with something constructive sounds like a GREAT place to START...

Even my problem child... I PRAISE Her all the time.. tell her she is beautiful, come up with COOL nick names for her... that I call her... she dies her hair red... so I call her "RED" happy and positive.. and she appreciates the POSITIVE ATTENTION...

I try not to hold a grudge on her... she's a kid...
they need to know there is FORGIVENESS... too...

But when she needs "Direction & Focus"

I provide it... CALMLY...(THAT's YOUR ROLE)

Be the one that never screams, but also doesn't take any BS...

This weekend the younger one got a 15min lecture on Lying...
In front of her friend (she chose to have her friend there)
I think she actually thought it would be easier with her friend...
Her friend was so embarrassed she practically crawled under the bed...
Again.. Calmly, directly, firmly...
And I thought through MOST everything I was going to say PRIOR to saying it...

This was her first offense so I told her take the lecture as a warning...
Next time...
the lecture will be longer, and there will be sacrifices made...
Phone, computer, Rides, sleepovers...and because it's lying and I take it very personally when someone lies directly to me...

The penalties will be very TOUGH...

If you want to make an adult... start treating them like one...
First step is communication...

Orange County Ca's picture

So bio-father is on same page. Big step forward. She's old enough to live with Dad as she is not a child anymore but literally a "tween".

wub901's picture

OK so the First step is communication now that would be fine but SD13 doesn't want to talk about anything to anybody not even her own mother!

About a week and a half ago sd13 went to her dads for the weekend she was texting her mother all weekend for a harness for the dog as her dad had told her that it would stop the dog pulling so her mother told her to ask her dad as she was with him and not us that weekend well she said she did,nt want to ask him pub after a bit of not giving in to her she ended up texting her dad who was in the same house as her!

However her i don,t see why she should get the 1 to 1 when the other 2 don,t but i have suggested maybe ask her if she wants to help cook tea, make cakes.

When sd13 asks for 1 to 1 its not really 1 to 1 as everybody is allowed to go its just me that she does,nt want to go an example would be that last week she text her mum while at her dads saying that the evening she got back from her dads could they go for a walk which was just mum sd13 ss10 which isn't really 1 to 1 if there are 3 people going.

I do agree with sd13,s dad in finding her things to do as i feel it may take her mind of of things she is due to go to secondary school/high school in September which may also be a wake up call to her too.

We had an outburst last week and her mum asked her if she was still upset about the divorce of her mum and dad and she nodded but i also think she has a little middle child syndrome going on too.

wub901's picture

OK so Bio dad is a bit of a rwimp and has decided to stick by his daughter and not give much support in helping us overcome her futile attemps of manipulation and control and seems to feel that just giving her what she wants will solve everything!

After a quick search and read of step monster by wednesday martin http://wednesdaymartin.com/ things have started to become clearer to me now i have decided to disengage from SD13 partly and put my efforts into ss10 and sd15 and my own daughter and my parter who is giving me alot of support.

SD15 does,nt want to go to her dads mainly due to sd13 being a selfish manipulative bitch who is self centred and does,ne give two shits about anybody apart from herself and will try to pick faults with anything the latest being that my own daughter whos 8 should of asked to use ss10 3ds when they dont even ask themselves which my partner did point out to to her!