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My Girlfriends Daughter Hates me !!!!

wub901's picture

OK where do i begin my girlfriend is 41 i am 37 her daughter is 13 she has two other kids aged 15 and 10 who i get on with fine.

They see there dad tuesdays and wednesdays and every other weekend he was in a relationship with somebody but it didnt work out and last week told his kids that he has met somebody else and they would be able to meet her soon.

Last thursday the kids came haome the 13 year old was in a weird mood and was being naughty i lost my temper with her and told her off which her mum has always backed me up on and i would with my daughter when we got home she asked her daughter what was wrong seeing as she had came home in a weird moon but she wouldn't tell her mum why then wrote her a note to her note saying please read alone basically saying I have no right to tell her off and saying they she would go and live with her dad.

Now up until they went to their dads I thought I had a reasonably close relationship with the 13 year old and things were going great with me and the whole family situation.

On the Friday they went to their dads for the weekend and she starting saying that I was trying to take her mum away from her and that she wouldn't come home and would live with her dad if I was still here by the time she had to come back.

She then started saying that her mum would always sit with me and not her which isn't true as before she went to her dads in the week she would sit next to her mum and have a cuddle.

She also starting saying how she wanted a holiday with just her and her mum so they could have alone time together.

I feel her daughter is playing some kind of game as when we saw them in town shopping she seemed happy and had a smile on her face.

me and her mum have both tried talking to her last Friday night she started again saying stuff like how her mum didn't spend time with her and sit next to her any more and generally giving lots of attitude towards her mum her brother and older sister wer,e going on a scout camp on the Saturday so i thought it would be a good idea that she had a friend over to stay the Saturday night and that we would go to the cinema and for something to eat which her mum agreed and asked her daughter,s friends mum if that was OK however after she started giving t he attitude on the Friday we both agreed that she did.nt deserve to have a friend over to stay.

On the Saturday morning she started getting funny because i wanted to go shopping after we dropped the other two off at camp and was saying "why does he have to go" and that she has a right to say goodbye to her brother and sister.

We then went shopping and then went to my girlfriends mother who also had a chat with her about how she was making everybody unhappy and she seemed to change her attitude.

On the Sunday the other returned from their scout camp the youngest was tired and trying to relax but she just started annoying him and everybody else.

On the Monday which was the 30th she went to school my girlfriend when to work but asked me to strip t he beds on doing so I found her diary and had a look inside.

It basically said that she was unhappy that the other two had to come home and that i was trying to be her dad (which i am not).

Her sister has told her mum and me that she has been taking pictures of beds both here and her own dads bed which i find quite disturbing.

I ended up losing it with her on the Monday night and shouted at her which i know was wrong but by girlfriend did back me up which was good.

She went to her dads on the Tuesday and Wednesday and sent her mum a text saying that i have no right to shout at her as I am not her dad or her family and that i am not in her life.

Me and my girlfriend arnt sure on how to deal with her so some reasonably mature advice would be great.

Lalena75's picture

I have some advice on teenage girls in general that might assist you. She's 13 there are going to be a lot of ups and downs over the next few years regardless. If dad and his woman recently split she may be getting his undivided attention at the moment and be wishing for the same from mom, or typical wishing mom and dad would get back together 1 is single lets push mom's bf and get him to leave and get my parents back together kind of thing. Teens are boundary testers just like 2 year olds, and I have a personal feeling that my kids both should have opportunities to get undivided mom attention and try to do something with them each individually just the two of us, but the majority of time things are a family affair. She may be needing her mom right now as puberty is kinda scary she may have things she wants to talk to mom about she's not comfortable doing with a guy around, any guy it's not a personal attack on you. You have NO right to open her diary none zero zip, if there if a concern that may require a check of the diary that should be on mom (mind you our house rule is diaries are a no go zone I don't look at my daughters she stays out of mine) Everything else as a parent it's my job to check, and make sure my kids is ok, but if she wants to fill her diary full of I hate mom, I hate moms SO, my brother sucks and call us all awful names that's fine even kids need a place to vent, but I don't feel invading the privacy of a diary is okay unless the kid may be harming herself or others. (end diary rant) I hope some of this helps, I don't know the normal dynamic of punishment and getting onto her in your home and if your getting on her is a new thing she could be responding the way she is because it's new and not sure how to help you there.

wub901's picture

No I realise that I should,nt of lost it with her and I should of just walked away and let her mother deal with her

@Lalena75 I am the first guy her mum has been with since they split 3 years ago so i do get where you are coming from it was my idea they should take the puppy that i talked her mum into getting her to training classes so they could have some alone time together.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Welcome to teenage girl world. It sucks big time.

My only advice to you is leave her alone. Whatever relationship you thought you had with her, let it go, it is no more.

Its great mom backs you up. however, if you are getting this angry and prying in to her private writings, maybe you need to back off and just let mom deal with her.

This whole "mom isn't spending enough time with me" "she doesn't sit by me" I used to hear this from my SD about her mom. Her mom spent too much time with stepdad (started same age too). I'd bet a years paycheck she went home to mom saying the same thing to BM about me and her dad, since all she did was that cutesy crap with him and compete with me for her dad's attention. Is your SD spoiled? Has she always been center of attention? Those look at me daughters start getting real moody when the focus isn't on them.

wub901's picture

@Helena.Handbasket We have been together for about 6 months.

She does,nt really get that much attention from my partner but she is a daddys girl and gets what she wants from him the oldest one doesnt want to go to her dads so its usually the 13 and 10 year old who goes but the 10 year old does,ne want to go because the 13 year old winds him up so much that he yells at her and all his dad sees is the 10 year old yelling at his older sister and then shouts at the 10 year old.

So how did you deal with the "mom isn't spending enough time with me" "she doesn't sit by me" crap ?

Helena.Handbasket's picture

hahaha, you have my SD!, Daddysgirl. Except she's 16 now. She started all her nonsense about 12-13 though. My SO is a disney dad so he spoils and coddles her. Its his babygirl don't cha know. I remember SD aggravating SS so bad all the time too. SS finally learned to stand up for himself. But he would sit and take it until he just exploded. Even though it was her fault for aggravating. SS got in to trouble for reacting.

I can't imagine what BM has to put up with from her although BM isn't that much better of a parent in a lot of ways. She spoils her in a different way.

SD really challenged me with her dad. I imagine she did the same with her mom. I just took myself out of the picture when SD was around. I found that when I didn't want to be around SO, she didn't seem to care as much to either. The desired becomes not as desirable. Actually, what happens is that spoiled people are generally unhappy. They are just always finding a reason why and its never the reason that they are saying (with actions or words). When you take away that reason (take yourself out of the equation as their scapegoat for excuses) then they move to something else.

SD blamed everything on me for a while. Her behavior towards me was horrible. I stepped back and did my own thing, skids and SO were on their own for a bit. Once I did that, she turned her sights on SS. Suddenly, SS was to blame for everything. Just an easy target is all. I got lucky, because SO didn't buy into that one like he did when it was all my fault.

People really don't understand how spoiling a child really leads to unhappy dysfunctional adults. She's not my problem though.

wub901's picture

Well her dad has a new woman who has two boys so shes going to find that hard too but she wont say anything to him she will just come back and take it out on us!

The other week she took her older sisters breakfast and ate it just to get attention!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

She will take it out on you guys, but just wait. That new woman has no idea what she is in for either. Dad sounds like a guilty disney dad. I feel for her too once sd gets comfortable.

knucklehead's picture

You read a 13 year old's diary and you can't understand why she doesn't like you?!?

She's right, you shouldn't be shouting at her.'s picture

You are dealing with a 13 year old. Girl. Middle child. Whose parents are bringing people in and out of her life. Need I say more? My thought is that she is pushing you away before she can get close to you, because she has just "lost" Dad's gf...she is protecting herself. How is it that adults get all distraught over their own break ups but don't think it affects the children?

On the other have been together 6 months? If you are living in their home, that is problem #1. The fact that you think you have ANY say in this girl's life is problem #2. And those are HUGE problems. Back off. Move out. You should be dating when the kids are not around. This is a MESS. You are lucky things aren't worse.

knucklehead's picture

6 months?!?
I missed that.

What is with people moving their latest 'bed honey' into the home with their kids so fast?? Ugh :sick:

wub901's picture

well its not her parents because im the only guy her mum has had since they split 3 years ago's picture

Just because she waited 2.5 years to bring someone in their lives, doesn't mean that she won't move you out next month, and someone new in after 6 months (or less). If she will move someone in after 6 months, there's a problem. You are in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship and you are already on a forum posting this stuff. All of the adults here need a wake up call.

Disneyfan's picture

You all moved in together after only 6 months?? Many parents won't allow their kids to meet the person they are dating that soon.

Mom is moving way too fast.'s picture

Another thing I forgot to mention. You seem to feel regretful for yelling at the 13 yr old, unless your GF backs you up, and then it's okay. So you are only regretful when nobody supports your yelling. I think you need to take a step back and look at yourself here. This is NOT about the 13 yr old.

wub901's picture i am regretful but you dont know me and seem a bit quick to judge somebody you dont even know!

Disneyfan's picture

I think we have the same mom and SD.LOL

OP, your SO, isn't acting like a parent. She's putting her wants and needs ahead of what is in her child's best interest.

sorryilovemydogmore's picture

I would say that only 6 months into the relationship, you and your GF are still getting to know each other. Add to that the stress of kids and their reactions from the stress they are feeling, and you have the potential for a lot of misteps.

Let's ignore for a minute whether or not you should be living together - I don't know enough about the situation to even have an opinion on it. The issue is more how involved you should be with the children at all only 6 months into your relationship with their mother. Obviously living together gives you the physical opportunity to be more involved, but it doesn't mean that you have to be. Your priority at this point in your relationship with their mother is to make sure your relationship with her is strong and stable, not become an instant parent to her children.

Add to the mix a teenage girl - having been one myself, they are unpredictable to say the least - and a lot of change for the children in a short amount of time, honestly at this point the best thing you can do is stand back an observe. You are not a parent, they don't know you well enough to feel comfortable around you, and you just can't force that. However, there does need to be mutual respect. As the parent, your GF should be reinforcing that. Whether it's right or wrong that you moved in so quickly, there needs to be a discussion between your GF and her children about respecting the people in her life, and she needs to talk to them and take their thoughts and feelings into consideration regarding the new addition to the household. It sounds like this may have just gotten dropped on them and that usually does not end well.

Take a step back, take several deep breaths, talk to your GF and good luck.