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OT - Opinions on Adoption vs. Sperm Donor

SMof2Girls's picture

DH has 2 kids (SD4 and SD6). I have no bio kids of my own. After SD4 was born, DH had a vasectomy because BM didn't want any more kids and refused to have her tubes tied.

Anyway, way back when we were still dating, we discussed whether or not we'd ever want children together, and how we would go about doing that. There are several options including reversing the vasectomy, IVF, adoption, and non-spousal sperm donation.

Our preference is getting the reversal and conceiving naturally, but it's also very expensive. IVF is just as (if not more) expensive, and not a guarantee. So that really leaves adoption and sperm donor as choices 2 and 3.

DH says that he chooses adoption over sperm donor every time. That he would actually have a real issue with the sperm donor option if that's what it came to, so much so that he wouldn't even consider it option #3. When I ask him why, he says he couldn't see himself raising another man's child. He distinguishes this from adoption because the adoptable kids aren't EITHER of ours (biologically), and those kids are already born; not like we're creating kids to adopt.

Anyway .. I don't know how I really feel about this comment. He can't see raising a child we decide to conceive and raise together, but it's okay for me to [help] raise his kids? I know his girls are not my bio kids and not my primary responsibility, but I'm still very active in their lives and take a proactive role in parenting when they're in my home.

I don't WANT to be angry, but the comment does rub me the wrong way a little. At this point, the whole conversation is all hypothetical anyway, so do I even really have room to be upset?

What do you think?

smdh's picture

I agree that it seems incredibly unfair for him to not consider sperm donation, while you're raising his children that he actually SHARES with another woman. Your child wouldn't really be another man's child. He'd be yours and your dhs. I think people get way too hung up on biology.

That said, could it be that he is weirded out about you having a baby inside you knowing it was conceived with another man's sperm. I think that is the difference. I wouldn't be too angry with him if this is why he is creeped out. My dh and I had to make big decisions on a lot of this stuff and even though he has a child with Lazy McCrazy, I think the thought of me carrying a child that was with another man's sperm bothered him (though he wasn't against it, if it made me happy). I don't think it was so much once the kid arrives, but the pregnancy that bothered him.

We did IVF several times. Spent a buttload of money and the only thing we had to show for it was trauma and grief (we lost an infant). We eventually adopted and we're both absolutely in love with the little guy.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yes, I did know. And I'm not willing to pursue an option we're both not comfortable with.

Like I said, this would be our 2nd or 3rd option anyway; assuming the reversal doesn't work.

But I think you're right on the man-pride thing .. he's definitely a very typical male when it comes to the pride stuff Smile

SMof2Girls's picture

Wow .. great insight. Thanks!

I think you're probably right .. it's more about watching me for 9 months and supporting a pregnancy that he didn't create that would bother him. He LOVES kids and babies, so it would be a matter of minutes for him to fall in love with the baby once it was born.

For such a big tough man, DH sure is sensitive sometimes Smile

knucklehead's picture

Well, this won't be popular, but what he's saying makes A LOT of sense.

Think about it.
How many posters on here don't want to raise/be responsible for someone else's child? Is it hard to understand DH's position now?
Also, the child would be biologically YOURS but not HIS. Some people this wouldn't bother; it would bother your DH.

I know many people who've adopted and I think it's very honorable. I also think, given your situation, if you don't opt for a VAS reversal, that adoption is the only option that will keep you and your DH on a 'level' playing field. Now, the down side (and only you can decide how big this is) is that with adoption you won't be pregnant. You won't have those experiences.

Best of luck. This is a big decision.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah, it does make sense to me. I think maybe what irks me is not so much that he feels that way, but that he's so adamant in his statement.

At the end of the day, DH and I are different people. We see things differently. When we first started dating, I wasn't thrilled at the idea of his 2 kids, but over time came to love them anyway. Now there's little I won't do for them, and I cherish those relationships with them.

He knows what a struggle it was for me to get where I am now, and maybe that's a deterent for him to consider sperm donors. But it's almost offensive to me that he wouldn't consider taking the same journey for me that I did for him.

But alas, it's all hypotheticals. And at the end of the day, it's not something I can require him to do (or be okay with). What-if's don't change the reality of where we are .. so we just need to figure out the best next step that works for both of us. Lord knows we have enough challenges, why create more?

Thanks .. I think I just talked myself out of this whole confusion Smile

Agged and Fragged's picture

I wonder if the comment may also rub you wrong because he's had the experience of being a father but doesn't think about the fact he's denying you the experience of pregnancy and motherhood?

My husband and I (who are far too old to have even been having this conversation but for some reason we both got baby cravings at the same time) had a similar discussion about a year or so. He too had a vasectomy after his second was born. I've got one bio but I actually wanted the pregnancy experience WITH HIM (gee, what's it like to be pregnant with a man who is supportive and wants the child and is looking forward to being a daddy!?) We started researching sperm donor facilities and discovered you could do a search on donors based on ethnicity/eye/hair/skin tone and even religion.

Damned shame your hubby didn't put some juice on ice when he had the procedure done. Tubal ligation compared to vasectomy is a more dangerous procedure, it's invasive whereas a vasectomy is an outpatient job.

If he's game for the reversal go for it! From what I've read it's in the $10,000 range (not that much money considering the costs of something like a half baked kitchen reno) and with new microsurgical techniques much higher success rates. Since the discussion is academic you can start putting aside some money now and reassess your feelings in a year or so *shrug*

Starla's picture

Going through almost the same thing as you. Only my DH agrees about the sperm donor idea. Adoption is costly, all the less to have to give to the child when he/she arrives, & you do not know what your going to get. Don't mean to offend anyone but adoption is your best friend or your worst enemy in my opinion. Something you may want to consider, have a foster child or two. We know a couple who has foster kids in & out of their home but they fell in love with this at the time 4 year old girl. She loved them too, was unable to return to her birth parents & they did an official adoption. Much cheaper & you get the chance to live with the kid before adopting him/her if he/she is available for adoption.

We think that we are going to find a sperm donor & use a turkey baster. DH will be the one getting me pregnant, has your DH thought about it that way? You are entitled to have children of your own if that is your wish & you are physically able. Maybe my husband needs to chat with your husband.. Smile My husband has two, severed fixed, & I have no bio kids of my own either. He got his chance & we deserve ours.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I don't know... I'd think if I was in your DH's shoes, I'd like to have a child (if the reversal fails) with at least SOME of my wife, the love of my life's, DNA in... At least he wouldn't have a BF to deal with like you have to deal with BM, and for all intents and purposes, it would be like adopting, only it would have some of your DNA.

asheeha's picture

This is such a personal issue. I would guess that it has more to do with the fact that some other man's sperm will be inside you.

I'm infertile, you can go to my blogs for an update on my situation.

It's an awful experience. My dh has also had a vasectomy and I am in premature menopause. I have no eggs. I recently learned there is a procedure where they can cut into a man's sperm sac and remove them, without a vasectomy reversal. I don't know if you have to do IVF for this to work though.

My option with IVF is opposite of yours. I would need a donor egg from some other woman and that was just a really weird feeling to me. Having some other woman's egg mixed with my husband...just felt weird can't really describe why at the moment.

We had experienced a failed adoption, it was a private one and neither one of us were eager to pursue that route anytime soon. If you go with adoption I say go with an agency and look for one who doesn't charge extra if the adoption fails. This is a GREAT option and is 100% successful if you stick with it. No other option offers you that result!

We decided to go with embryo adoption. This is a left-over embryo from another couples IVF cycle. I had my transfer last Thursday and I took a home pregnancy test last night and it was positive! This is called a donor frozen embryo transfer (FET). The odds are not stellar, about 35% at our clinic (numbers vary from clinic to clinic) result in a live birth. But neither one of us are biologically related to this baby. My dh was a little weirded out by the idea of it being someone else's baby in me, but by the time it got to me it was it's own person, and he came round to the idea pretty quickly after that. Esp. once I tried to explain it like it was no different then the little adopted baby we spent 3 days with just adopting her when she was an embryo instead of a baby. And that nobody but God can take this baby away from us.

This is such a personal journey. I wish you the best. It's hard realizing you won't ever have a bio child, there is a real grieving process that you have to go through. I hope you and your dh come to a decision that you can both be happy about!

asheeha's picture

that was another reason we chose it. we felt it was a life that needed to be given a chance instead of creating a brand new one. esp. no matter what one of our own would only be his bios and not mine and he already has bios.

it's also ALOT cheaper. Approximately $3000 a go compared to $30,000. Even our failed adoption cost us more. that did help him get over his issues! Blum 3

it is disturbing what happens to the little guys most of the time though.

Orange County Ca's picture

As a male I believe I understand his feelings although I think its very immature. He doesn't like the idea of another mans sperm being 'ejaculated' into you even if it really doesn't work that way and the sperm is already in the re-inserted egg.

So - perhaps if you explain that the donated sperm is injected into a egg harvested from you and the mating of sperm and egg is done in a lab. Only the egg is inserted into your womb. Maybe he'll buy into that. Confirm this is how it will be done. It's expensive and often fails.

I have to agree that with too many children already around why not adopt? But be very careful - some of these kids come from whacko, insane, drug using people and the kids can be really messed up. Consider adopting from a unwed mother who wants to give up the child on birth. You can spend time with her while pregnant and will be expected to pay her expenses which are not likely to be covered by insurance.