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22 Days Since I Left My Husband while Preganant: Update

MomOfTwo1313's picture

It’s been 22 days today since I left my husband at 81/2 months pregnant after a domestic dispute (read previous blogs).. I’ve been staying with my mom in back studio that belonged to me before I got married to my husband. Currently he has seen a Couselor 2 times according to him and has also enrolled In some AA classes. He has been sticking to the custody scheduled with his ex and supposedly she finished her rehab classes (that we caught her lying about) and now can take the kids on her time. Since I’ve been gone obviously they are both forced to take on full responsibility of the kids since I’m not their personal babysitter anymore. I live in the next city over and switched my son schools. I have enjoyed being responsible for my son and only my son and my pregnancy that I wasn’t able to enjoy being living with my husband. I was treated more of a disabled nuscance than a pregnant mother and wife with joint and nerve problems due to my thyroid problem and pregnancy. Now he promises things will change and seeking help. He says he wasn’t to wake up next to his daughter and regrets everything and vows to make things better. I’m very reluctant to go back considering his promises are fulfilled for a while and then everything goes back to being the same. He pleases his ex, family and friends before he considers me and my feelings. I don’t know if my baby girl that is due any minute now will help our marriage or make it more difficult. I don’t want to go back to the same life. Are things possible of changing? And if so how long do I wait and see? Between him pressuring me to back and my mom being overwhelmingly nosey and negative (which is another story) I feel very overwhelmed. I would really appreciate some advice. Thank


ndc's picture

If he's willing to change, let him change, and demonstrate those changes to your satisfaction over a significant period of time, BEFORE you even consider going back. Otherwise it's just empty promises. Frankly, based on what you've posted here, there is no way, no how I would go back to this man no matter what he did. Remember that he's going to say what he needs to say to get his free babysitter and maid back. Talk is cheap, and a couple counselor visits and AA meetings are a nice start but only a small fraction of what he needs to do. I think it's unlikely that things are going to change, and your best bet is to stay the course and go on the assumption that they will not.

wickedcool stepmum's picture

you got away, honey. You are staunch and incredible for doing this.

These men don't change. I left my abuser, he never changed despite counselling and all the promises in the world x

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Yes, his drinking has gotten worse and worse though out our marriage of almost 2 years. That’s the way he handles the stress and problems. Goes in the garage and texts me non stop about his feelings and how he knows I’m not happy. That’s when I was still living with him. He would find any excuse to have people over every weekend and I caught on it’s for him to feel like there’s a reason to drink. He even accidentally peed our bed once. He wasn’t like this in the beginning of our relationship. When he drinks he regresses to his childhood memories of being beat by his step father and never knowing his real dad. He’s 35 years old. I sympathize but he’s a grown adult. It was miserable. The smell, the neediness and always having to babysit him when he went out so he wouldn’t drive drunk with my two step kids and my bio son... Now I know it will be more babysitting with my unborn daughter. It was easy for me to tell him no when he wanted to take my son out to pizza with him and the kids when I didn’t feel well enough to go because he’s my son. But I feel like hell feel free to take our daughter anywhere he wants since it’s his and he’s the type that won’t take no for an answer without a huge struggle. There’s so many things I worry about besides him letting the ex take advantage and him being unsupoortive and neglectful towards me during
My pregnancy.

Acratopotes's picture

ah - it's classic behavior Hon.. DH is begging you back after 22 days with empty promises, cause he simply can't handle parenting his spawn with BM, he does not like being tied down and being a parent, he want's his freedom and needs his full time babysitter back. He had enough of being a parent and being responsible, and it's only been 22 days.

I suggest you stay where you are, simply tell DH, he's welcome to come and visit you on his own, not with his children, tell him he hurt you way to much in the past to trust him after 22 days, people do not change in 22 days and make sure he understands he will have to work hard to earn your trust back, that could take years.

For your baby growing up without a father, nothing funny about it, she will grow up in a loving home with no abuse and no brats, there's allot of children in the same boat and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Keep true to your son and your new baby girl... eff DH, he's making empty promises that he will never keep....

tigerlily74's picture

MomOfTwo1313: I've just read your story and your previous blog posts, and the people here have given you really good advice.


The only thing I have to add is: Watch out for your son. Warn him that your husband is dangerous and is looking to get back into both your lives. I'm so worried that your husband will, in his desperation to reach you, seek to harm/abduct your son.

Maybe I've watched too many dramas, but you can NEVER be too careful. Abusive alcoholics are unpredictable. Please ensure your son is fully aware that he is NOT to go off with your husband.

Do keep us updated and know that we are all rooting for you!

BethAnne's picture

You said in your other blogs that you left before then went back when he promised to change. He never did change long term from what you wrote previously. So you have already given him the benefit of doubt a few times and he never followed through. He is not going to follow through this time either. A man who would physically attack his pregnant wife will not be cured with a couple of counselling sessions and AA. He is not the man for you. Perhaps down the road he can seriously sort his shit out and be a better partner but he needs a lot of time (years), a lot of personal reflection, hard work and and a fresh relationship for that even to be a possibility. And I doubt it will happen.

Stay strong, ignore him. Block him, do not go back. You can do this.

As for your mom, unfortunately I guess that you do not have too many options right now to moving elsewhere, so just try to get on with her as best you can. Perhaps a heart to heart thanking her for letting you stay with her, acknowledging that it is not easy for her to have a crowded apartment. And then let her know how hard you are finding everything and asking her to try to be positive for you to help you keep going, this might help her change her ways a little. In a few months time when your little one is here you can start to make a plan to get your own place with your kids.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If your daughter came to you and relayed your story, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to work it out or to run? What would you want your own mother to tell you right now other than everything will be okay?

If you go back and your DH has truly not changed, will you be able to leave again? If you stay, you teach both your daughter and son that behaving as your DH does is acceptable. You teach them that being treated by someone like your DH is acceptable.

You going back cannot be based on what you want. It has to be based on what is best for your children. You are already worried about the safety of your daughter with your DH. Her safety won't improve by you going back throwing yourself and your son at an abusive, sick man. That's most certainly not fair to your son who has no tie to this man whatsoever.

Have you sought out services from a DV shelter? You don't have to live in a shelter to receive services. They can help you find higher paying jobs, a new apartment, and counseling. I think you need to work with professionals who understand so you feel less alone and like you can't do it. Isolation is a powerfully damaging thing. Don't let feeling overwhelmed and alone lead you and your children back to danger.

Curious Georgetta's picture

In telling your story , you have not mentioned even one positive attribute that this man brings to your relationship. You describe an emotionally
Damaged alcoholic. Rather than trying to determine
If he is getting better, please get some help to determine why you were drawn to him in the first place. Your children deserve a better life than he can and will provide. You accuse your mom of being negative but perhaps she just has a more realistic vview of your spouse.

Give your newborn a better start in life.
She could not choose her father but you can. Choose a better future

MomOfTwo1313's picture

He used to drink when I met him. He used to treat me like a queen and was so sweet and caring for my son and I in the beginning. He’s a hard worker. He told me he used to have a cocaine problem and had gotten arrested for possession in the past but no drugs were in his system and it was his friend that dropped the bag in his car. I chose to believe him. 6 months after marriage he started changing. He became more distant and our arguments got bad which I had never experienced before. He stated breaking my things when he got angry. Ripping my clothes and throwing my phone against the wall. That’s when I left him for 3 months and we went to marriage counseling after him begging and crying. I decided if I went back I was going to give it my all. We found a house in the next city over closer to his kids so he can see them more often hoping it would make him be more content. I quite my hospital job and started doing the bookkeeping and invoicing for the company he ownes that I helped out under his name. Slowly everything started falling apart. It wasn’t always bad. But he’s not the person I married. I went from priority to just a helper. That’s how I feel

justmakingthebest's picture

If in a year, he is sober still. Willing to take random tests (you can buy them online yourself), has continued counseling personally and together... Then and only then should you START to consider giving him another chance.

hereiam's picture

He will not change.

Even if he were to quit drinking, that is no guarantee that he won't be the same asshole. Sometimes, when addicts quit drinking or doing drugs, the behaviors stay with them. Psychologically, they are still an addict and still have the personality of an addict. The mean streak, the violence, the denial of any responsibility. He may very well have had those traits to begin with, he was just motivated to keep them hidden from you, at first.

Of course, he wants you back, to take care of him and his kids.

If he was serious about getting sober and changing, he would be willing to do it while living apart from you, you taking care of you and yours, and him taking care of himself and his. Instead, he is using your unborn child to try to manipulate you into moving back with him, based on promises that he knows he won't fulfill.

Gimlet's picture

He's love bombing you right now. This is something abusers do when they realize that they have lost you. If you go back, it's not going to be better - it's going to continue to get worse.

Whether or not he is sober, he is still an abuser. Like hereiam said above, a dry drunk can be every bit as damaging as one who is still using. This man lack the self-awareness to see himself for what he truly is: an abuser.

This is the part where it gets hard. You aren't angry anymore, you're pregnant and tired, you're living in a less than optimal situation. You want so much to believe he's going to change. If you go back, you're just hitting the reset button on a hellish situation for you and your kids. If you can push through this part, it will get better.

Go back and re-read the advice on your other blogs. Read what you wrote. Why would you want to ever be with a man who has shown you he is capable of physical abuse and of saying things like "He told me nobody was going to want my disgusting stretched out “pu***” after I had our baby trying to make me feel disgusting which it worked."

He's trying to lure you back in. Don't fall for it.

"Abusers are the angler fish of humanity - they dangle a bright glowing ball of love in front of you so you don't see the teeth in the dark." (credit: /u/silentgreen85) The teeth are still very much there.

notarelative's picture

Alcohol can change personality. But, if you were crazy before you started drinking, you are still crazy when you stop drinking. He hasn't been sober long enough for you to know if the crazy was from the drinking or is part of his personality.

But, whether you get back together with him or not, giving his ex your money is not wise. Money you saved is for you and your children, not his ex. I'll be blunt. Do not give the ex your money. It is your safety net. You have two children who are counting on you to keep them safe. You need that safety net.

Blue Moon's picture

My mother divorced my dad when I was 2 because he was an abusive alcoholic.

It wasn't easy for her, but she did it. She earned a bachelor's degree during night classes and made a good life for herself. I grew up happy and surrounded by love. My mom never remarried, but my grandfather and godfather provided some kind of father figures. I never felt I missed out on anything during my childhood.

My father lived in another province and I eventually saw him only once a year for a week during the summer. I loved him in my own way but of course we were not close. Thoughout his life he battled alcoholism. He had good and bad times and his body finally gave out at age 63, after having had seizures from the drinking. I was 25.

I learned from my parents' divorce that a woman is strong, can be independent, and should always be respected and treated well. You can also teach your children these things. I am now in a great relationship with a wonderful man.

All this to say, Your husband likely won't change, and your DD will be OK, in fact she is better off without him.

You left, now keep it up and things will get better!

momjeans's picture

“Currently he has seen a Couselor 2 times according to him and has also enrolled In some AA classes.”

Key words: “according to him”

Alcoholics love drinking more than their family. He will not change.

Stay the path. You’re doing fantastic!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Go read Ajanie 's blogs. Her heroin addicted husband tried the same things. She stayed the course in her own little apartment. Sure it was a hard adjustment. Now she is happy seeing an awesome guy . Stay the course

hereiam's picture

6 months after marriage he started changing

No, he just hid who he was. He was on his best behavior to get you to fall in love with him, that was all (the 'ol bait & switch). What you have experienced after that first 6 months of marriage, is who he is.

You have done the hard part, you left.

I have enjoyed being responsible for my son and only my son and my pregnancy that I wasn’t able to enjoy being living with my husband.

See, it's better, already.