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DH went off on me (Up Date)

MomOfTwo1313's picture

HD and I still aren’t talking. After him snapping at me for giving my opinion it really hurt. I put all my efforts and energy in helping him out with SD7 and SS12 after his mom basically threw them out. Now, he seems to think that since she returned after two weeks and now wants the kids back I should have no say and feels stuck in the middle of BM and I. When I express my feelings about the situation of him saying what he said to me he ignores it and pretends he’s hurt and upset at me fore feeling hurt. He said he snapped and he’s under so much stress and he apologized but I don’t think he really cares. He just needs it to go back to normal. I’ve been coming to my moms house now and staying away from my home. I do go back to sleep but then leave in the morning. I feel awkward facing his kids after he yelled at me “Don’t tell me what the fu** to do with MY kids”... I’m sure BM heard and felt like he was defending her which I believe he was. Must make her really happy. DH has been sleeping on the couch for the last couple of days and I’ve been in the room alone dealing with our crying baby and getting no sleep. It’s like I’m being punished for putting my foot down which I’m sure is exactly what’s going on. I haven’t done anything for him, his kids in the past 2 days. I’m very hurt this time. During my pregnancy she tried to commit suicide and him and the kids stuck together crying which I understand but he also neglected my pregnancy and I went through it alone until the last month that I left and all of a sudden he wanted to be involved. It honestly was a very depressing and lonely time in my life. I thought he learned his lesson but here I am again. 

Comments

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I did not understand that he told you not to tell him what to with his kids in front of BM and I'm guessing the kids? That makes what he said even worse. I know you were separated in the past and have been in therapy - but frankly it doesn't seem like it is helping much.

He told you he feels like he can't make both you and BM happy. It shouldn't even be a question - he should be making you happy. He should be following the CO and communicating with BM only when necessary.

Your gut has been telling you for a long time that there is something "off" with the relationship between DH and BM. You need to listen to that inner voice. Even if he is not being physically unfaithful, it seems like he is being "emotionally" unfaithful. If he feels pulled between the two of you in anyway - he is not completely being with you.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

SH said it right in front of the step kids. I was in shock to be honest. Didn’t understand where the anger came from. I just said “she doesn’t get to tell you what to do and when to do it” and he snapped. He’s been seeking my advice and asked with help with everything. Didn’t know that when she decided she wanted to see the kids again I needed to shut up and not have an opinion anymore 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Disengage from BM/their brats/anyone who is Team Stepbrats/BM.

i can’t believe this ahole cursed at his pregnant wife?! No wonder he already has at least one divorce under his belt.

 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

they were never married. But yes he treated me badly during my pregnancy. I always felt like maybe he was mad that I wouldn’t let him do whatever he wanted with her anymore and made him create boundaries. We actually had a huge fight before I left when I was 8 months pregnant. I sent his BM a text message that she neesss to take responsibility for her own kids because they both had my going back and forth almost throughout my whole pregnancy. Asking me to take the kids on her time while she went to AA after her overdose. Found out she was meeting with her BF and even showed up 3 hours late after the time she told me she would be there and she showed up with her hair done. My husband opened the door and he gave her the hugestand nervous looking smile I’ve have ever seen. Anyways he yelled at me after I got upset and long story short I got my body criticized, pregnancy clothes ripped and thrown in the shower so they could get wet. Distorted and broke my belongings. My mom came to get me that day because he took away the car keys and house keys. He changed a bit after our daughter was born but every time this women needs him he runs like a dog. Talks badly about her all the time but yet he’s there in the snap of her fingers. And when I speak up about it he starts blaming me for everything 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

that is abuse. I was trained to look for that very thing when I was a police dispatcher. Love yourself more. Make an exit plan and leave this man and toxic relationship 

Aniki's picture

Your DH is abusive. He ripped up your clothes. Broke your things. Took away the car/house keys.

LIVED with this kind of mental/physical abuse. You know when it stops? When you are dead or you escape

Your 'D'H is still enmeshed with BM. Frankly, it sounds like they deserve each other. And you and your baby deserve to live in peace without fear and all of the dramatic BULLSH!T from your cruddy husband and his not-so-ex wife.

PLEASE consider the safety of your child, if not yourself.

Step-girlfriend's picture

This is domestic abuse, and I’m not just throwing the term abuse around. I was in law enforcement, and breaking belongings of someone you are in a relationship with is one way you can be charged with domestic abuse. Same with taking car keys, cellphones, etc. This is arrestable behavior.

I really hope you take this to heart. It doesn’t matter what kind of abuse it is, it’s not something you should have to live with. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You are making so many assumptions, “he apologized but I don’t think he really cares” for example, while also avoiding the situation by staying at your mom’s. You’re mad he’s sleeping on the couch while at the same time you’ve changed your behavior.  

You need to deal with this. You’ll be “punished” as long as everyone acts this way. I’d demand couples counseling and see if you guys can work through things. If that’s not an option or it doesn’t work then maybe things need to be over.

hereiam's picture

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that you had hoped that he would change but I think you are seeing that that has not, and is not, going to happen.

He can hide his angry, abusive self for periods of time (like when he needs your help) but he is not going to change who he is.

Disneyfan's picture

Who ended their relationship?  It sounds like he isn't over BM.

 

It really doesn't matter if he loves her, hates her or is indifferent.  What's matters is the way you were treated during your pregnancy.  What you described is horrendous.  Instead of trying to fix his problems with his kids and BM, you need to figure out why you want to be with a man who treated you that way.

Work on fixing you( learn how to love yourself more than you love him), not them.  Once you start ro love yourself, you will walk away from his shit show.  

MomOfTwo1313's picture

she ended the relationship 3 years before I met him. He was still cleaning out her pool when her and her BF went out of town. It was weird... He would also go over and play with the kids at her house and her BF was ok with it. Her BF ended up cheating on her, went back to doing drugs and beating her. It was sad but hard to feel for her when she was so rude and mean to me. I have her the same back and that’s when I created problems with my husband. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Take BM out of the equation - DH is still abusive. I can't remember if I gave you this info last time or not. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline - tell them your story and see what they tell you.

1−800−799−7233     www.thehotline.org

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I do have a place to go to but honestly my parents look at me for finacial support. When I move back I know they will act irritated and asking for money which they have done before when I attempted to leave. Do you think they’ll consider my situation as are it severe enough to help?

Disneyfan's picture

Abuse is abuse

 

Those organizations will help anyone who is being abused.  You just have to be strong enough to make the call.  

Curious Georgetta's picture

going back , they may not view this as a serious situation. They may just view it a a routine part of your relationship dynamic.

There is probably no place where you can expect to live without making some financial contribution particularly if you are bringing 2 children.

Hopefully, you parents expectations will fit into your budget and that you will have people around you who care about your well being.

What you view as irritation may simply be them feeling frustrated to be once again placed in this situation and the expectation that you will ultimately return to your partner.

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Can you explain to them your situation?  Inlcuding the abuse? You should be able to take half the money in your joint accounts. Is there enough that you can pay your parents something for room and board? Will they babysit so you can return to work? If you will really be destitute, apply for any government programs that you qualify for. Accept the help until you can make it on your own.

Call the hotline and see what resources they can point you towards. Take at least one step to change your situation. Also, goodle "cycle of abuse" - you will find information that will explain how your DH is nice to you sometimes and then mean to at others.

ndc's picture

Oh, I remember your story now.  I didn't realize you had returned to your abusive husband.  Big mistake.  Clearly nothing has changed.  If you have respect for yourself and your child, you'll leave him again and stay gone this time.  This situation is not going to get better.  

Want2's picture

Everything you have pointed out is what THEY do. The only thing you seem to be doing is reacting to the others. Even with your folks, what THEY do. Which by the way I am not sure why you expect them to give you a free ride.

 You don’t seem to have the mentality of doing anything yourself except reacting to what others do or don’t do. How are you going to get through life and do the best for your baby when you are all but helpless yourself?

This is why you are where you are and being abused and complaining and crying about it isn’t going to change a damn thing. You must step up to the plate and start doing what YOU need to do. But as long as you are so focused on your grievances you can’t.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I will be more clear. I am educated and was a senior manager at the pharmacy I worked at for 6 years prior to my marriage. I held my own and always and I mean always paid my own way. I was talking in the mean time until I get financially situated and able to help out like I used too. To assume I want a free ride is ridiculous to me simply because that is NOT my mentality. Easy to judge when you’re outside looking in and no emotions are attached. The person on the inside is the only one who knows how tough it is. I’m not complaining or crying about it but simply seeking advice from people that have gone through the same situation. Not from people who belittle others and their situations because everyone has gone through a struggle and I’m pretty sure you’re not any different. I know you don’t know me personally and you don’t know my strengths and accomplishments but just for the sake of keeping someone else from getting their feelings hurt by a total stranger that blames people for being where they are- I would suggest you tone it down on the “you can only blame yourself for what you’re going through” attitude and more on the encouraging side. Have a good day. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

In their lives. The cause of the problem may vary, but the pain is the same. So to suggest that people do not understand loss, rejection, and marital problems because the cause of their problem may not have been the same as yours is to be disingenuous.

Control of your life is in your hands. You do not need sympathy; you need motivation and encouragement to seize that control.

You cannot fix your  husband; you can only fix your self.

All of the sympathy and understanding in the world won't move you one step further in solving your problem.

Action on your part is required.  Until then you remain just another abuse victim succumbing to a situation from which she has the ability to leave. Unlike many women, you are not trapped by lack of  resources and preparation. 

This man was already separated from his children, so it was unlikely that yet another child was going to make him care about what he was missing.

Learn to love your self and your child more than you want him.

morrginme's picture

I know it can be hard because he isnt mean to you all the time. You probably have plenty of days when you are happy, having fun together, and its just like any other happy relationship. Those are the days we remember and hold onto. We cant see why the men cant someday be nice all the time. We know they have it them because we seen it and felt it. 

Then you notice he's acting a bit different. Maybe not even angry yet but possibly making some remarks you dont know if its a joke or serious. Either way he starts snapping at you and nitpicking. Maybe he skips the build up and goes right to yelling and being hurtful. Either way you are right back where you were before. You hurting and him raving mad. Eventually things calm down for whatever reason  and you both feel like a loving couple again. Then it starts to build again and you are stuck in the cycle of abuse.

You need to leave and  keep you and your baby safe. Stay gone no matter how much he begs or pleads. Ignore his promises to change because they wont last. If he really loves you he will not force you to come back. He will respect your decision and get help for himself by himself if he chooses. 

 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

This is exactly the situation. You described the patterns really well. Thought out daughter would change things if he was around her and see what he might permanently use but you’re right. He has proven that his promises are not worth anything. His lose ... I’m tired of going around in circles. I want my life back 

GrabitAndGo's picture

This man is an abusive alcoholic.  When are you going to have enough of his dysfunction and leave him for good?  Don't your children mean more to you than that?

Alien's picture

Why do you still live like that? Why do you allow him/his kids/bm or whoever else treat you like that? 

If I were you I would leave right now while you have chances to remarry successfully (and your baby will make memories of your new husband as of her dad) and you will have a chance to have a full and happy family for your baby. Not some pieces of the father who owes something to some other women and other kids) 

 

think about it you and your baby deserve happiness.

Disneyfan's picture

Wait the hell.

The OP needs to leave due to the way her husband treats HER.  That does mean she gets push the jerk out of his child's life and look for a replacement daddy.

tog redux's picture

You've tried, and now, as the others said, you see the abuse cycle.  And most people who start with verbal abuse and damaging property escalate to more serious abuse, including physical abuse.

You are educated and able to work at a job that will enable you to care for yourself.  He will have to pay child support, which will help.  As the others said, use a domestic violence organization to get that help, or give your parents the financial help they want to let you stay there until you can find a full-time job and get on your feet.  DH will have to help with any child care expenses too.

People tend to go back to abusive relationships hoping the person will eventually stay in the "nice" phase, but they never do, because their thought process is that you deserve what you get from them.  They may not want to lose you, but the niceness is only a cover for the underlying control issues (in fact, it's another way to control you, and it works).