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Update on SK and DH

MomOfTwo1313's picture

My husband Baby Mama has always been an issue in our marriage. During CPS investigation BM had Meth in her system and we ended up getting full custody. Which explains the irratic baga Vito coming from her that everybody accused me of just having something against her. We received full custody Jan and since then she lost her home, moved out of state, ran away with her bf that molested her daughter which was part of the CPS investigation and overdosed and was in a coma for 5 days. During that time is has been nothing but a ball of depression at our house. Comforting my step kids, husband, my son and our now 15 month old daughter. It has been nothing but a battle since I married my husband 3 years ago. This situation has drained me to the fullest. Especially because I carried the full time mom responsibilities which my husband and step kids took for granted. When I served them dinner the kids would say “I wish my mom was here instead”, or “I wish my mom was here because she would do my homework for me”. My step sons grades drastically improved since I dedicated a lot of time to it. He’s a bit on the lazy side but it was important to me to be there. The kids would always compare me to there mom which I totally understand they miss her. But sometimes I felt So down because I’m not their mom and I felt like I was being punished for it by their comments. My husband was doing so much better for a while but slowly things started falling apart again. Blamed me for losing a big account and I guess mostly financial stuff. I took care of 4 kids while my husband worked which I was totally fine with but they got to 3 different schools and different schedules and plus my little one I always have with me running around everywhere. It wasn’t easy and when I got blamed for the financial stuff I felt cornered because how am I supposed to take care of 4 kids and run the business" I built the website, made flyers, helped out with court papers, helped the kids with homework, laundry for 6 people... how the heck was I supposed to find time to work so I can help out financially" He would make comments like “at least I can say I bought that”. He did get a cleaning lady to come once a week to clean and do laundry which did help but most of my stress cane from feeling inadequate. I felt drained and tired and I felt like they still complained and they weren’t happy. They made such a big deal when they heard from BM which I expected from the kids but not my DH. For Mother’s day he went to the nearest post office that was around the corner from the rehab she’s at right now to make sure she got her Mother’s Day card on time. They didn’t make one for me or wished me a happy Mother’s day until I mentioned it around 1:00pm that day. I guess I’m just drained and hurt mostly. I left and been gone for 2 weeks but I still pick up my step daughter on Wednesday to take her to her piano lessons. I promised her and I keep my promises. I can’t help feel used and hurt. They keep asking me when I’m going back but in all honesty I don’t know why. They didn’t appreciate me when I was there. I miss them very much because they will always be a family to me but nothing has changed. I guess I’m asking for advice on what to do and how to stay strong. It’s been a rough 3 years and I’ve gotten some great advise. In no way am I saying I’m a victim. I have my flaws and might be sensitive to the BM subject because most of my marriage has been a struggle because of BM and her choices and of course I do blame my DH Because I’m married to him and not her. Blessings

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

If you left, stay gone and do not return back to that toxic dynamic unless your H is willing to go to therapy and fix your marriage. He's not respectful or appreciative of all that you do and have to offer. I'd completely remove myself from doing anything for him & his kids and just take care of mine. He's blaming you about finances but what the heck is he doing to pull his weight with the kids??? It's easier to blame you instead of reflecting on himself and how poorly he is parenting. He should have asked the step kids to acknowledge you and he should have always had your back instead of playing victim. Let him man up and leave him to his own mess. Allow him and BM to figure it out, you have your own stuff to worry about.

Take care of you MomOfTwo and don't sacrifice your well being and happiness for someone who takes you for granted.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Thank you for your response. I carry a lot of guilt and blame myself for a lot. I would appreciate you reading my previous blogs and give me some advice on this whole ordeal. I fear that once BM comes back I will be the third wheel again. I see that with her around or without her around either way I’m still not priority for my husband, besides the kids of course 

SteppedOut's picture

You don't know why they are asking you when you are coming back?? Well, hell - so you can do everything for them again! 

And I agree, you should NOT go back to this toxic situation. 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I would like to think it’s becsuer they miss me but deep down inside I know the truth unfortunately

shamds's picture

“What did you do all day” because it appears nothing was done or “you lost a big account for the business because of your patheticness” which is basically what this man said, “i’d calmly say you’ll find out tomorrow”, tomorrow don’t do anything for skids. Let dirty laundry pile up, mess everywhere, tell the kids to help themselves to food and drink, you read a book or sleep, its your relaxing day.

hubby comes home and its like a friggin tsunami and he asks what did you do all day? This is when you say “oh nothing just read a book. Next time never complain i do nothing or that i lost a big account for the business because what happened today, never would happen when i’m busy doing everything so how about you step up and be a parent to your kids. 

Woman this man should have long ago been delegated stuff to be done. This is what i did when pregnant with my 2nd, hubby did laundry if not done meaning start a load in washing machine or hang it on clothes line, he might iron and he did kitty litter and empty trash...

i refused to do it and I didn’t give him an option “oh hubby could you do this” because he’d see that as an option where he can ignore me or say no. He was told do this or there will be no clean laundry for you. If he refused to step up and pissed me off or disrespected me, he knew full well because he’d come home to his laundry not being done but mine and our 2 toddlers. He knew he was in deep shit because asking politely tends to not get results. I hate doing this passive aggressive thing but it delivers results better and once he’s learned, he usually never does it again, he may slip up but i remind him i need his help. 

I’m studying for my degree currently so i need hubbys help even more than usual so he needs to step up. Because me finishing my degree allowa us to have a buffer later on with the 2nd income... so it benefits him..

there was a meme or pic online with the story i gave above how her husband came home to broken glass everywhere and he thought home was robbed and kids were running on front yard and wife calm as can be in bedroom reading a book. This was because the day before her husband said “being a sahm isn’t work and so easy, what do you do anyway, basically nothing”

never again did he make a stupid comment like that again

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I wish it were that easy for me. My husband would get drunk and throw everything in my face. Would be literally a day in hell 

Cbarton12's picture

Stay gone. They're only asking where you are because things have fallen apart at home and things aren't being done for them. They've been completely unappreciative. I get them being excited about contact from BM but the least they could do is show you an ounce of appreciation for helping take care of them. 

Stay gone. File for divorce. You deserve more than to be someone unpaid nanny and cleaning lady. 

somethingwicked's picture

You are amazing! What a great heart ~a huge heart ~you have.  Your capacity to give and forgive while you  keep on taking abuse, AND still you keep your promises to this group of enmeshed emotional abusers, is beyond what an average person ,woman or man would accept and still stay in the game.

Please know you are not the cause for the financial failings of this DuH .

He is the guy who needs a scapegoat to pin his failings upon and you are so convenient and pliable and giving.

He is an A Number One  A$$ Wipe. Nuff said and you should NOT go back to him and the dysfunction that he helped create and then  precipitated and extended because he IS emotionally,intellectually and physically  lazy and selfish and self absorbed.

BM is a victim to her drug addiction and that is sad /pathetic but somehow her memory has been lionized in the skids' collective minds and she has been raised to sainthood status.

They will never stop thinking their Bio is better than you or comparing nor ever admit that the home life with you in the acting mother role is stable and calm and healthy. And I know that is not your intention but to give years to ingrates wears one down,wore you out!

Right?

They cannot admit that you were good ,better than the BM in the mother role ,because to them it is betraying the memory of their mother.As adults maybe they will remember that you were there for them with no strings and you were generous with yourself  in all things.

Please hold your chin up ,love what  and who you are and that you have this AMAZING capacity to care and love and  you  have such compassion ;maybe too caring to your own detriment..to a fault ,that is.

I encourage you to seek therapy to help you  bolster your self esteem and find your identity separate from the role of giver and stand in mother and  accept that  staying away from this homelife of being used and abused is the best and healthiest recourse for you until  you are feeling strong and not so emotionally wrung out and shattered.

With some professional guidance and insight you may then be better able to decide what is best for your healthiest  future.

I am hoping for you .

 

 

 

ndc's picture

Please stay gone and talk to a lawyer. Your husband is abusive. Don't fall for whatever bs he or his kids use to get you back. You and your kids will eventually be happier elsewhere.