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Spending Time with Step Daughter when Separated

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I’ve been separated from my husband for reason I stated in my previous blogs. I’ve been taking my SD every Wednesday to her piano lessons since  I promised I would and I don’t want to be another women to let her down. The thing is that my H doesn’t try to spend any alone time with our daughter (15 Months) since I left. He tells me “ask your mom, isn’t that why you went to live with her”. Or He’ll throw jabs at me. So, I’m done asking and I guess that’s what I will put down when filing for full custody. My question is should I continue to spend time with SD or should I just completely try to part ways? I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to spend time with out daughter. I feel like it’s a form of punishment. I’m hurt for my daughter but extremely angry as well ... 

Comments

Livingoutloud's picture

She is 15 months and he is scolding her about where she lives? I’d file for divorce 

hereiam's picture

He is an ass and although I understand that you don't want to be another person that lets your SD down, I think it's probably best to just cut ties. She is not your responsibility, you have your own child to be concerned about.

HowLongIsForever's picture

If you are going to end the marriage (and it seems that's where its headed) it is probably best you break ties with SD.

Yes, its unfortunate for her to lose a supportive caring adult.  But that is on her father, not you.  You have no legal right or obligation to SD without adoption or third party visitation so your involvement with her is at the whim of her parent(s).

Part with the girl on good terms and she may seek you out when she is an adult.  Beyond that there is not much you can do.

As far as your husband goes, his actions are simply confirmation that a separation was the right move.  His continued inaction on anything resembling introspection,  growth or just plain acting like an adult is just confirmation that the separation should be permanent.  

What kind of animal treats his infant daughter with such disdain? He is showing you, loud and clear, that he will weaponize that little girl to hurt you with zero regard for what it does to her.

Don't raise your daughter to think his behavior is normal, acceptable or ever deserved.  She will have enough challenges dealing with the man as her father. 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

When I come around he’ll play with her and spend time with her but he doesn’t ever want to be left alone with her. I know he does it to keep me tied up and I won’t go out. That’s ok though. My daughter has always been mostly mine and that’s the way I see it. I don’t want to be around him because he starts asking when I’m coming back and when I say I’m not, he starts saying I’m a little girl for running to “my mommy’s” house and not a real women. He doesn’t take accountability for anything and I’m tired of hearing it. If he doesn’t try to bond with our daughter without me, it’s his loss and I will make that clear in court

SteppedOut's picture

When I left my formerSO, he played the same crap. ONLY wanted to come to MY house , over weekends AND insisted on spending the night - refused daytime visits or visitation with him taking our son to his home. Now, due his alcoholism, he would be unable to care for him, ESPECIALLY since his son tried to physically hurt our son every chance he could and I think he KNEW he couldn't care for him.

When he did come to "visit our son" it was more to try and talk me into coming back. He would say things to our son like, we could all be together if your mom would just listen to me and other such crap. I also got the "you are just running away when it's not easy" line of shit. "Not easy" is a huge misnomer,  mine AND my son's life was horrific living with formerSO. "Visitations" were awful. And as much as I wanted our son to have some kind of relationship with his father, I couldn't keep "hosting him" and dealing with his emotional abuse and heavy drinking. When I would no longer play host and facilitate visitation, he quit spending time with our son. It has been over a year since I have heard from him. 

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from. 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, SteppedOut,

Having followed your blogs for a year, I fully recall the misery that you endured with your abusive, narcissistic ex and his jealous son. That teenaged horror arranging broken glass around your baby’s play area was pretty much unforgettable.

In many ways, your relationship with your ex is comparable to that of MomOfTwo; mostly because men of their ilk follow a pattern of escalating abuse. You’ve managed to take back your life and I sincerely hope that MomOfTwo is encouraged by your post and continues to free herself and her daughter from a destructive environment.

How is your furbaby, SteppedOut? She reminds me of a much-loved German Shepherd that was part of our family when I was in my teens. The town bully had a gripe with my brother and showed up at our home to ‘rough him up’. After the bully’s shouting evolved into shoving, I let the dog out. She immediately attacked the bully who fled to his car with our 110-pound doggy firmly attached to the cuff of his pants. What a shame, that iPhones were not available back in the 60’s as the fracas was worthy of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’. ROFL

SteppedOut's picture

Thanks redhen.

Momof2, you can do it - break away from this abusive man. It IS better to grow up in a single parent household than in an abusive 2 parent household! 

My girl is doing really good. Almost too good - she needs to rest more, but there is no stopping her from doing a perimeter check of the fence in the back yard. She is very active, so "making her rest" is much easier said than done - even on the chill pills he gave her. 

The vet is pretty sure he got all of the tumor; it was sent to pathology to make sure. We will know sometime next week. 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I’m so sorry you and your son had to deal with all this. I see my self heading towards the same. Thank you for the advice and sharing 

somethingwicked's picture

No.I know you want to keep your promise  to SD but sometimes one cannot keep promises or best intentions and in your case you are  an emotional wreck from DuH's abuse.

You it the nail on the head that DuH is choosing to punish the BABY.

WTF kind of beast is this.Oh yeah..an abuser.No wonder BioMother became a drug addict.I think she was trying to escape his controlling assholery.

Your DuH is holding a huge grudge because you left him..you needed to leave and save your sanity. He does not care why..he will never admit he is the problem. Trust me.Abusers are narcs.And some are on the sociopathic spectrum as well.

And  the bio child you share, the 15 month old baby ,  is being  used as a pawn by DuH because as he cannot manipulate you since you left ..SO he will  reach out and emotionally use  ,abuse this little baby .What a   vicious selfish a$$hole of a human being.

Stop doing for SD. You can tell her that you find that day is no longer available for you and wish her the best.

If DuH  cannot be available for another of his children  ~the baby you share ~then you cannot spend time that  you require for the child you will no doubt be raising as a single parent.

If SD wants piano lessons or whatever her father can figure out how to get her there. 

 

 

 

MomOfTwo1313's picture

When I come around he’ll play with her and spend time with her but he doesn’t ever want to be left alone with her. I know he does it to keep me tied up and I won’t go out. That’s ok though. My daughter has always been mostly mine and that’s the way I see it. I don’t want to be around him because he starts asking when I’m coming back and when I say I’m not, he starts saying I’m a little girl for running to “my mommy’s” house and not a real women. He doesn’t take accountability for anything and I’m tired of hearing it. If he doesn’t try to bond with our daughter without me, it’s his loss and I will make that clear in court

somethingwicked's picture

Who sez that kind of shit?

He is a weirdo.Dump him.

You were a "real" woman enough when you were taking his abuse and that of the skids as well.Please value yourself and leave this  monster.

Petronella's picture

If he wants to see his daughter he can come to you at a time that’s mutually convenient. 

Dont stay in this limbo for too long. Decide whether you want to live with this man again. If the answer is no, then find an attorney and begin the divorce process. Make sure your attorney is aware of every single incident of abuse.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

You can’t care more than Biowh0re. Stop doing for BM spawn. Your STBEX DuH f*cking sucks!

TheBrightSide's picture

My advice, would be to keep your relationship with your ex separate from your relationship with your SD.  Fulfill your promise to her.  Take her to her piano lessons.  She is a half sibling to your child.  I know you owe her nothing, but unless she's an awful kid you don't want to be around, don't punish her because you're angry with her father.

 

I divorced a man with a child.  We separated 6 years go.  I still have a relationship with her.  She's 18 now.  I see her ever few months.  We talk, we see movies, we eat takeout and watch The Bachelor.  She's a good kid.  She confides in me.  I have zero regrets for maintaining a relationship with her.  

 

Or maybe this post is to ask permission to walk away from her.  You need to ask yourself, when it comes to her, what your motivation is.  If you're spending time with her out of guilt, don't bother.  She'll sense it and you'll just be resentful.

If you simply don't want to do it anymore, then don't.  She'll survive.