Update On Leaving Husband 8 Months Pregnant
It’s been 7 days since I left my husband after a domestic dispute that he ripped my pregnancy clothes and threw them in the shower to get wet. Ripped hangers out of my hand and pushed me. After he promised he would want nothing to do with me if I walked out the door he’s now asking me to go back. I think mostly since he needs help with watching his 2 kids for him and his ex. Got to the point where they left me the kids while she went to go get her hair done and he went out to get some drinks while I was stuck at home with his 12 and 6 year old and my 12 year old son. I couldn’t visit my parents the next City over since I was either expected to wait for the kids to be dropped off, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, laundry, bookkeeping and invoicing for the business and dealing with my alcoholic husband. Plus he never cut the child support on her and I had them full time. Every time I complained he would say yea he would do something about it but never did. He’s begging me come back now and promises he will change for our baby. As much as I would like
To go back and pretend this never happened it did. I need some encouraging words please. I just want to make the best decisions for my kids
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He will not change. Words are
He will not change. Words are cheap. Stand strong. Turn your back on his dark world where you count for nothing but an unpaid babysitter and face an uncertain but new world.
He will assault you again
He will leave his kids with you again
He will ignore you again
He will allow his ex to use you as a babysitter again.
He will belittle you again
And he may kill your baby or your son. And you.
Do not go back. Please do not go back.
I rarely log in nowadays cuz
I rarely log in nowadays cuz my tablet drives me mental..but I wanted to tell you this.
DO NOT GO BACK TO THIS LOSER!!!!!
He is a complete and utter degenerate who will beat you down mentally, emotionally and financially.
Stay strong and be vigilant. Keep the focus on you and yours and for the love of all that is good in the world..do not waiver!!
He is weak, a bully and a piss poor excuse of a man.
Youve gone through the hardest part..you left. Now stay the course and look ahead! Think of it lkke driving towards a better future. You're not going to get ahead if you keep looking behind you.
Stay strong woman! You deserve more. He deserves a steel cap boot up his ugly selfish ass. May his useless sack feel the burn of a thousand suns. Asshole.
The reason I say I want the
The reason I say I want the best for my kids is because the reason that last fight happened is because I asked him why he made breakfast for his kids and not mine. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner for his kids but he can’t offer my son breakfast? He’s not mean to my son but he definitely doesn’t try to have a relationship with him. It breaks my heart when my son used to tell me he felt like he didn’t belong because he always treated his kids differently and made only them priority. I spent time with my son as much as I could and was there for him making sure he never felt alone. But again it was hard to give my son the attention he deserved when he and his ex were always putting the kids on me.
Women tend to try to
Women tend to try to rationalize things the abuser does to make it seem like the abuser didnt mean it, or we just overreacted. In a "normal" circumstance, asking why he didnt make breakfast for your son would at most result in an argument and at best result in a discussion of who should what for their respective children. Not escalate into an abusive situation. The "real" him came out that day. That is who he is at the core. There is no going back.
I had a friend who was 7-8 months pg, and her husband threw her against the wall so hard she couldnt feel her legs or walk/get up off the floor for a few minutes. And she stayed. We lost contact for a while but she ended up leaving him. He died a couple years later of a drug overdose. Their daughter was 15. Friend ended up remarrying a nice man and she is finally happy.
Please do not go back. Save your son and yourself.
Hardest lesson in life:
Hardest lesson in life: people don’t change, they just get better at hiding things
Understand this, he showed you what he is capable of and if you go back you are showing him what you’ll put with. This time it was you, while pregnant and some possessions...what happens when it’s the baby you’re fighting over? Not.Worth.It.
OMG YES!!!! Just wait until
OMG YES!!!!
Just wait until that baby is out of you. That was more than likely the only reason it wasn't you being thrown around. Trust me... I was here before under a different name years ago. I was in a really bad relationship. It just got worse. I didn't even dare put on here some of the things that happened. I was a fool and left and went back 3 times. The night me and my kids left for good I was pinned up to a wall by a 6'4" 250lb man screaming in my face that he was going to kill me and that my kids would never see me again (I am 5" nothing and under 125). He let go for a second, I ran to get my kids. Called my dad who came over fully packing and helped us get away.
My ex called and pleaded that he wanted his wife back. He was willing to date me for a year until my new lease was up. We could go on the Honeymoon I never got. He would ease my burden at home. It was going to be great just watch! .... I met him for dinner. I brought up what I knew was a trigger point. His eyes got dark... my waiter escorted me to my car. The only time I ever saw him again was for divorce papers at a lawyers office.
Trust me. Don't ever go back. You may have a child together but you need to keep your contact with him to an absolute minimum.
Thank you for the update,
Thank you for the update, glad you left and are okay. I agree with the posts above, and send prayers and encouragement. You and your baby deserve better right now, and hopefully one day a relationship with a real man who honors & respects you, instead of the abusive & neglectful creep you just escaped. You removed yourself from that bad scene and that took strength. I hope you keep taking the next steps, keep your chin up, and let these experienced StepTalk posters encourage you.
DO not go back..... he's not
DO not go back..... he's not going to change after a couple of days Hon....
your children deserves more then what he can offer, stay where you are, and simply tell him to proof to you he has changed,
Give him a list of what you want,
When BM has the children, they will not be dropped off at his place, it's her time and her responsibility not yours,
If he's at work, his kids will be with either their mother or with a nanny and it's not you!!!
You are not responsible for their laundry, home work, raising.
You will not use your money to buy them anything
If they do not clean up after themselves DH has to clean up.
see what I'm getting at.... he will make empty promises and that's simply what it is.... wait till the birth of the new baby and sue his ass for CS,
I should've added
I should've added then....
you can hand him a list, he will ignore it and call you names, and even if he takes the list..... he will never change...
EDIT again:... It's not easy to simply walk away if you love some one, it's not easy hearing people telling you straight out run like hell..
thus my advice is simply to show her, she can try, he will not change, she needs time to get her heart and mind on the same page,
It's easy for us to say - walk away, run away, leave his ass, but we do not know these people and we are not living with them, maybe she's hiding some facts, maybe she only posted how she felt and how she saw it..... and when emotional you can exaggerate
You are doing so well to
You are doing so well to still be away from him. You already got through one week, you can do the next. Please block his number in your phone, there is no reason for you to have to hear from him everyday. Did you manage to file a police report on the assault?
No I didn’t. I regret not
No I didn’t. I regret not calling right away when it was happening. Only a healing scratch from the hangers he ripped from my hands a a tiny bruise was left after 2 days. I had no idea for just him simply ripping my clothes and throwing them in the shower and taking my keys to the car, house and my credit cards was reason enough to file a police report. Till this day I don’t even have access to my own home and honestly I don’t even want to go back for the rest of my things.
what he did is an OMEN of
what he did is an OMEN of things to come. i was married to a "very charming" abusive alcoholic and pregnant with my son. I also had a 4 yr old daughter from a previous marriage in tow.
I went back to him several times before finally leaving 4 years later. My EX FIL was the only one that would help me move out. My own parents, who were never supportive of me moved 500+ miles away.
The abuse and unmasking of the alcoholism started on my wedding night. They all read from the same script. The promises, the tears. When you show righteous indignation, it's like holding a gun to their head. They do a song and dance routine just long enough for you to weaken your resolve and give in. Then their treatment of you gets worse and worse.
They "test the waters" to see just how much abuse you're willing to take. He's testing you.
Ok, I post above about my
Ok, I post above about my experience with an abuser. I didn't think I had enough for a restraining order. I did. I actually got him kicked out of the home he owned for 3 days so I could clear my stuff out. Go to the magistrates office and file an emergency protective order. Site your address as the one that you lived at together. Get your stuff and go. Don't touch anything that isn't yours or your son's. After the emergency comes the temporary order which is for 2 weeks. Then the permanent. Do what you need to do.
It will only escalate. I
It will only escalate. I believe the only reason nimrod didn’t hurt me was because he was a cop as didn’t want to lose his job. He had gotten physical with the other women in his life before me. In fact, he launched a full can of beer pat me and into the wall where it exploded everywhere. I left and didn’t go back since he was leaving his 9mm on the counter and telling people i was going to shoot him in his sleep since i was a concealed carry. He was trying to set up a scenario where he could seriously injure or kill me and say i was the crazy one.
These guys are evil. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. You stay away and get a protective order. You had plenty for a police report. Him taking your phone to prevent a call for help is illegal! See? Best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. You said he was arrested for domestic violence. You’re not a punching bag or his servant. They survived before you came along. They will survive after you’re gone. Protect yourself and the baby.
Stay mad. It’s a good motivator and stay away. He’s a liar and an abuser.
You’re going to be alright.
Dang, Frenchie, that is scary
Dang, Frenchie, that is scary stuff right there....
It was a crazy and bad time.
It was a crazy and bad time. So glad I’m away from it!!
The best decision for you and
The best decision for you and your kids, is to leave him for good, period.
He physically abused you.
He physically abused you. Abuse always escalates.
Do not go back.
You are brave and strong and you can do this. Do not go back.
Do not go back to him. File
Do not go back to him. File for a protective order and request a police escort to go back for your stuff. Things will not change. You are doing the right thing. And of course he's begging you to return - he lost his free babysitter/cook/maid!
What everyone else said,
What everyone else said, plus:
CPS can and will take all the children away from this household if they find out there is domestic abuse going on. Do you want that? Your children in foster care? Think long and hard, because it can easily happen when (not if) this guy escalates his awful behavior. He could easily hurt your kids. Even if he only hurts you, CPS will still take the kids. And then your oldest could permanently end up with his father.
He is going to try to Love Bomb you. Look it up. It is a manipulation technique. People like this have no conscience about using stuff like this.
Thank you!!! I was so PISSED
Thank you!!! I was so PISSED when i read that bullsh*t. Gah! I’m glad I’m not the only one to think this was completely off the rails.
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Whew.
It did. It sure did. I was so
It did. It sure did. I was so upset by that. Who tells an abuse victim to allow the abuser to stay around? I learned the hard way that here isn’t any changing. Or things getting better. I tried everything and for longer than i should have. Leaving isn’t easy. But you don’t allow an abuser to hang around doing more and more damage. Ugh.
Thank you for checking! Lol
Exactly. This woman already
Exactly. This woman already left and now needs our support to stay strong. Instead she is told to tell him to prove something to her so she can go back. “Some women are afraid to leave”. Which women are we discussing here? Is this a projection of sorts? She already left! Why is she told to even consider going back? Or concerning herself in changing abuser into a good man? Unbelievable.
Do not go back. He will not
Do not go back. He will not change.
Think of your 12 year old son. This poor excuse of a human being is setting a horrible example for him.
Please stay strong and away
Please stay strong and away for the sake of your son. He does not deserve to live in a house in which his mother is abused.
Block his calls/messages.
Please call or visit a domestic abuse hotline/agency. They will help you stay strong and will also let you know what to expect and can help you find a lawyer/get an order of protection. You also need to speak to a family law attorney as soon as possible.
Also, make sure you are protected. Stay around people, consider security cameras for the house you are staying in and DO NOT meet with him anywhere. There is a very real possibility he will become more violent when he figures out he has lost control of you.
They never change, I lived a
They never change, I lived a life to of I am sorry and I will change too just like all the other women.
It is okay for the marriage to be over. If not for you do it for your kids.
Hugs, you can so this.
Do NOT go back to this jerk.
Do NOT go back to this jerk. He verbally abused you. He frightened you. He PUSHED you. That is only the beginning. There will come a time when pushing is not enough for him. Slapping is not enough. PUNCHING is not enough.
PLEASE do not risk YOUR life, your son's life, or the life of your unborn child. File a police report, contact an attorney, get a restraining order, pick up the pieces, and move on. LEAVE THIS JERK BEHIND.
I promise you, there is life
I promise you, there is life after this. You must be strong enough to choose happiness for yourself and your children. I am 16 years into a new marriage after being in one like yours. You are doing the right thing. My heart hurts for you and your spm.
I promise you, there is life
I promise you, there is life after this. You must be strong enough to choose happiness for yourself and your children. I am 16 years into a new marriage after being in one like yours. You are doing the right thing. My heart hurts for you and your son.
If you were having this
If you were having this conversation with your daughter, in your situation, what advice would you give?
You'd tell her she deserved better and to move on and not look back.
You and your children deserve better. Move on and don't look back.
If you go back you are
If you go back you are knowingly accepting how you will be treated. I understand this too well. You are being slotted into the role of housekeeper/nanny/doormat and he will control everything from finances onward until you are isolated from your friends and support network. If you find yourself always watching what you say and how you act so you don't upset the status quo but inside you are screaming to be free. If you feel constantly disrespected, used and with no status in your own life. That isn't love, it is control. Then there is that stupid little voice in your head that says - "I love him, he will change, maybe it's me." It is not you. You can love someone yet know they are not good for you. Allow yourself to be happy, you are not there yet but you will be.
Please don't go back. For
Please don't go back. For you, for your son, for your baby. Sending hugs and thoughts of positivity and strength to you. You can do it.
Please be safe. Abusers don’t
Please be safe. Abusers don’t change. You have a beautiful life ahead of you without this jerk.
As obvious as the decision is
As obvious as the decision is to us, this must be hard for you, especially because of your pregnancy and your son.
Why not stay safely where you are and think about talking with a resource center or a therapist. We all mean well here, but you're in a precarious place. Someone who's right in front of you can give you more confidence about your decision and help you find solutions if you decide to leave. If you decide to stay, it would be good to have a relationship or a contact of someone who can get you and your kids out of there quickly if you need to go.
I'm really sorry about your situation. Pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times in a woman's life. Her chances of being a domestic violence victim exponentially rise during pregnancy. Homicide is the second greatest cause of injury death for pregnant women. Take your time. Avoid contact with him until you're ready.
The most dangerous time for a
The most dangerous time for a woman leaving her abuser is the moment she tries to leave. You're already out - DON'T GO BACK