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Separated From Husband at 8 1/2 months Pregnant... Should I still go To Babyshower?

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I didn’t mention in my previous blogs that husband was planning a baby shower for me. It’s this coming weekend. I feel like it would be so awkward if I went to it even though he’s begging me to go. All his family and friends will be there. Non of them have texted me or called me to see how I’ve been doing since I left 22 days ago. So I know this is all for him and the baby. Nothing to do with me... I believe he will be keeping all the stuff at the house and won’t let me bring any of it home to where I’m staying even though the baby will be living with me. I still hold a grudge for him acting like an asshole when I found out I was pregnant and him not being there for me throughout my pregnancy. I think it’s all for show to his family. I’m conflicted about going. I don’t want to seem ungrateful cause I am but at the same time it’s just awful circumstances. What should I do?

Comments

FrenchPeas's picture

Don’t go. Besides it’s weird for a husband to throw a baby shower for his wife. You’ve gotten away from the situation. Do NOT go back for ANY reason

Maxwell09's picture

The kid shouldn’t live with you primarily. It should be 50:50 if both parents are physically and financially stable. You should go, it’s not a party for you, but for your kid..one that can’t be physically detached to you currently to go so put your kid first and go. This is a good way to open the door for coparenting. Will it be awkward? Sure, think of it as the first of very very many awkward scenarios that will happen during this 18-20 years of coparenting. It doesn’t really matter if he’s just playing a part for his family, so what? You don’t have to deal with it anymore so let him do whatever. The comments about him keeping the gifts was a little petty, I’m sure you had a baby shower with your relatives. I would go just to make sure he gets the basics the kid will need to be with him.

hereiam's picture

He is an abusive alcoholic, who doesn't want to take care of the kids he already has. In fact, drives drunk with them in the car.

ESMOD's picture

No..I wouldn't go to the shower.

Your side of family and friends can have a shower on your behalf.

It is probably a ploy to try to get you to come back to him.

hereiam's picture

You have left him (maybe his family doesn't know this?) and should not go to the shower. It will just encourage him to keep trying to manipulate you into going back to him.

queensway's picture

No. Do not put yourself in this situation. The less stress in your life the better. I hope you are doing better everyday, HUGS

queensway's picture

NO WAY! At this point it doesn't make any difference if his family knows they have separated. He is using her for this shower. She needs to take care of her needs not his. If he wants to give her the gifts after the shower he can but I wouldn't hold my breath for that. She is almost 9 months along and the less stress the better for this young woman. I feel he is adding to her stress level.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I spoke to him about it. He says I should be back home by the time the baby is born so everything will be at the house ready for the baby.

ndc's picture

You left this man because he was abusive. He is an alcoholic. He treated you badly. There is NO WAY I would be going anywhere near him. Be grateful you had the strength to leave and DO NOT put yourself in a position where you have to be near him.

twoviewpoints's picture

No. Why would you attend? Was the shower planned before you left three weeks ago or is this something he's cooked up since your departure?

While baby gifts are nice to have, you don't need them badly enough to go anywhere near this man. You he explain to the guest why the baby's mother is not there. The room full of people likely won't hear the truth. It will be some excuse or it while be a pity party for the poor daddy who needs their help in preparing for the child for when the baby does visit (you'd be a fool to ever allow this baby to be anywhere near this man without supervision by an impartial designated third party and on a very limited basis and controlled environment).

If you want and need baby gifts, have your Mom throw a shower with her friends and her extended family. You should also be receiving CS once the baby is born. Use it to buy baby things. Babies don't need half of what new mommies think they do to begin with.

I'm going to assume it took a lot for you to up and leave, so I'm going to ask. Why are you spending all this time speaking to this man? He's trying to wear you down and bribe you back. You need to keep strong. Gather back up that strength you found to leave and hold on to it.

The last nine months of your pregnancy, is that what you want for the future of your soon to be born child? Of course not. He's not changed. He's not changing. People with the problems he has have an enormous hardship in overcoming their issues. It doesn't happen in a few weeks. It doesn't happen in a few months. Sometimes when it does partially happen, it doesn't last and they fall right back in. This man isn't 'fixed' , it's a long and extremely difficult road to recovery and just as hard to then stay on the right path.

If you won't stay strong for yourself, stay strong for your baby.

Cover1W's picture

"Was the shower planned before you left three weeks ago or is this something he's cooked up since your departure?"

This is what I was thinking.
And are you 100% sure the other guests will be there?
I wouldn't go, and if somehow you do, have someone with you.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Yes, this shower was being planned by him 2 months before I left. Think it was his way of showing me he was sorry for not being there for me during my pregnancy. He even hired a decorator and a food coordinator company. He rented out a facility as well... He didn’t want me to do anything. He didn’t want to buy anything for the baby because he said well wait to see what we get there and then buy what’s left over. When he first came up with that I told him I wanted to take that money and we’ll go together as a couple and buy things we want for our daughter. This baby shower is being funded by us as always. We throw all the Christmas, BBQ, Thanksgiving, Family Birthdays in our home. Only his family comes... My mom and dad don’t feel welcomed cause of the things he’s done. I feel like it’s just another excuse to throw an entertainment for his family. His family never financially contribute to any of the events. We even pay for them when we go on vacation. I Think he’s too busy trying to look good infront of his friends and family and not just focus on our marriage. I would of been so happy just going to the store and buy cute things I picked out for my daughter instead of throwing a 2,000 baby shower for let’s face it.. his family.

BethAnne's picture

No don’t go. It will not be good. It is just a chance for him to try to get you back. He probably hasn’t even told his family you left and is hoping that you two will just go back to the way things were.

If his family want to give him things for his house when the baby is with him then that is their choice. You will need to provide for the baby at your house separately. That is how it works when you two do not live together.

If you want financial support from him you need to set get some legal advice as to how legalize your separation, how to get child support set up and how to set up a parenting plan. I would also ask for legal advice as to wether you should put his name on the baby’s birth certificate.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Absolutely not, stay away from this man and his family. Nothing good can come from you going.

sammigirl's picture

You do not feel well that day. If this shower is really for you, he will deliver the gifts to you, via third party hopefully. You can avoid it all, by resting; you are so close to delivery!

I would NOT go, then you have to begin the process of disengagement all over again, from the entire bunch. That is way too stressful for you at this point. Just stay home and "rest".

Keep us posted
Hope you are ok and it goes well.

Congratulations!

notarelative's picture

Husbands don't plan baby showers for wives. What he's doing is trying to get his family to buy baby items so he doesn't have to.

People don't change after a few counseling sessions or a few AA meetings. True change takes time and work. He has not changed yet.

You said the guests at this are his relatives and friends and that none of them have called or texted you since you left. So either they don't know you have left or they have listened to whatever story he is selling and bought into it. Either way you don't want to walk into this.

Do not go. Do not see him. The people you want to see are a lawyer and a counselor who specializes in victims of domestic violence. He is trying to drag you back. You need to be strong for yourself, your new baby, and your older child.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Yes, this shower was being planned by him 2 months before I left. Think it was his way of showing me he was sorry for not being there for me during my pregnancy. He even hired a decorator and a food coordinator company. He rented out a facility as well... He didn’t want me to do anything. He didn’t want to buy anything for the baby because he said well wait to see what we get there and then buy what’s left over. When he first came up with that I told him I wanted to take that money and we’ll go together as a couple and buy things we want for our daughter. This baby shower is being funded by us as always. We throw all the Christmas, BBQ, Thanksgiving, Family Birthdays in our home. Only his family comes... My mom and dad don’t feel welcomed cause of the things he’s done. I feel like it’s just another excuse to throw an entertainment for his family. His family never financially contribute to any of the events. We even pay for them when we go on vacation. I Think he’s too busy trying to look good infront of his friends and family and not just focus on our marriage. I would of been so happy just going to the store and buy cute things I picked out for my daughter instead of throwing a 2,000 baby shower for let’s face it.. his family.

Indigo's picture

Cancel it.

If you (as a couple) are funding a party with decorator, venue and food coordinator, CANCEL it. Why waste $$ on his desire to keep up appearances and entertain his family?

This is not about your little one. This is ALL ABOUT HIM.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

I wish I could. I could use the money to get baby things at my moms house. Unfortunately he already paid everybody. These people have always enjoyed getting freebees from us but don’t bother to check up on me so I most likely won’t be going.

Cara1128's picture

At first i thought go and get the swag
Now I have read all the other posts
Instead of going to the shower serve him divorce papers
The shower is an excuse to lure you to his house for reasons only known to him
DO NOT GO!

notsobad's picture

No, No, No

He is abusive and trying to lure you back in. Stay as far away from him as possible.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

He sure is cutting it kind of close with the party date, isn't he? You left him at 81/2 months 22 days ago. Shouldn't your due date be soon?Email him you are exhausted and can't imagine having to help entertain that many people right now but you would be grateful if he would bring over the diapers and anything else you would need immediately. Ask him to keep a list of who brought what do you can write thank you notes.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

Yes! I told him it was way too close when he told me he was planning one but he was planning to go out of state for the Super Bowl and he want it to interfere with us patriot games. I know it sounds ridiculous but he’s obsessed with his own things

notsobad's picture

“he’s obsessed with his own things”

Remember this! Engrave it into your heart and brain!
Then every time you think of going back to him pull this out and remember who he really is.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

You need to stop treating this guy like he's a valid part of your life. There no compromise to be struck here, no discussion about day to day life that needs to be had. Get a lawyer, file paperwork and get your half the money/company and demand supervised visitation because of his violence. He's an ex, treat him like it. Or, if he's not, well.. work it out.

Jzell67's picture

He's a control freak.

Still trying to organise your life when your not there. Don't go, about time people saw what a little man he is.

Are you still cared of him and the consequences of not going? Go and stay with family or friends.

MomOfTwo1313's picture

No i so not. He has a domestic violence report between him and his babymama from years ago and got one of his kids taken away for a while. Said if I filed one then he would file one against me and I don’t want to jeopardize losing my son. I just wanted to get out of there that day With my son ASAP...

Amcc13's picture

How would you have lost your son?
If you had gone in at the time of the event pregnant and covered in marks like you were do you actually think he would have a leg to stand on?
People here have you advice which you ignored. While I would hate to be jumped on for victim blaming to me it looks like you are looking for an excuse to go back. I get that your tired and sick and terrified of facing labour and this impending divorce all alone - it is not a good enough reason to put your children in that situation
Unfortunately you have played right into his hands - now when child is born and you say he can't see cause he is violent and there is no police report you will be labelled crazy and forced to hand over your shared child.

It's time to decide how safe you want to keep yourself and your children.

The advice would be to not go and to contact a divorce lawyer and start getting advice that will help keep your children safe and fed with a roof over there head. I am sorry that I am being so harsh but this is an extremely dangerous situation and I am worried you are at real risk of going back

Thumper's picture

OP

As a victim of assault (not married to per,no kids either) I immediately called the police as soon as I made it to a safe location.

THIS below sound like he was never charged. TEMP order given to air on side of caution and finding of fact had no teeth.
He has a domestic violence report between him and his babymama from years ago and got one of his kids taken away for a while.
JMO based on what you wrote.

Be safe...Remember too, that many women report false info to get upper hand in court.

Acratopotes's picture

Please don't go... he will be charming and you will be trapped again...

Your family can have a baby shower for you Hon and you will get nice things, ignore this idiotic husband of your and decline gracefully..

I bet ya his family does not even know you moved out, and he wants you there to safe face, he probably told them you are visiting your parents.

Now simply decline and if any of them should ask, smile and say, Talk to him, I've got nothing to say... you can be a total bitch and say, I'm sorry but I'm not raising a child in a house hold where one parent is abusive.

secret's picture

If you DO go, arrange for a friend to pick you up - while at the party, announce that you'll need some help to move the baby's stuff into the waiting vehicles so you can take it home.... what's he going to do, exclaim that byou can't take the baby stuff YOU were given at a shower at which you're the guest of honor?