And so it begins...BM busting the boundary loud and clear
BM just called our home phone at 11pm to talk to YSD. I'm fuming so walked away into my room to calm down and keep myself from saying nasty shit in front of the kids.
This is an outright reaction to the email and she's basically giving us a big ol FU by calling the house this late. She never even calls the home phone which is actually my business line. I'm pissed.
Talk to me ladies. What do we do?
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Um, I hope nobody answered
Um, I hope nobody answered her call at 11pm.
uuuuhmmmmm...let's see... 1.
uuuuhmmmmm...let's see...
1. next time, turn off the phone ringer after 8PM, simple
2. the next time, turn off the phone ringer after 8PM, simple
3. TONIGHT, have a drink...
I can't. It's my business
I can't. It's my business phone. Blocking her numbers though. And will ask FDH not to let the kids use that phone unless it is a real medical or physical emergency. 911 only.
Wine underway!!
I was getting up to answer
I was getting up to answer the phone not knowing who was calling. Thought it was a work emergency. The phone is tied to the tv so it pops up the number on the tv. SD jumped up and said "that's for me" and 1 second before she answered it she said "it's mom".
FDH told me SD had called her earlier in the evening so that's how she has the new number. I don't even know it. I responded by telling him she can only call her mother from her own cell and that this is my business line, not a family phone.
I will be blocking her number tomorrow.
Don't answer. Or answer and
Don't answer. Or answer and hang up on her. She us going to push really hard to show who's boss. Be prepared for her to FLIPOUT and your FDH to backslide a little. Stand your ground be firm but calm
We were posting at the same
We were posting at the same time so you probably didn't see the detail about how this went down.
He is already backsliding a bit IMHO. He isn't pissed. He made an excuse "SD called her from that phone earlier". She's still calling late at night. I have to be careful here because he needs to be rewarded for doing the right thing by setting and articulating boundaries but to excuse the first violation so quickly is a problem. I see his line of reasoning but he's so not seeing what just occurred. She probably waited to call at that hour on purpose.
It was too late once I
It was too late once I realized what was happening. The question is, what do we do now?
He sends her another notice
He sends her another notice via email detailing what time telephonic parenting time will be deemed acceptable.
It is unreasonable to call anyone on a non emergency at 11pm, IMO. It's rude. I don't know if there is a time difference so she doesn't know she's calling so late, or if she's just a rude person, but if there's a time difference, state it in writing.
From now on, NOBODY takes her calls after the detailed times.
"BM, it's disruptive to call our home after 8pm for a non emergency. Please keep your phone calls to x per day between the hours of x am and x pm. Please call "this number" only. Calls won't be accepted on Anne's business line."
And then tell SD that unless the house is on fire and she's calling 911, she is NEVER to use your phone. EVER.
Perhaps a friendly house
Perhaps a friendly house rules talk is in order with the skids. New house new rules. They seem like reasonable kids and maybe a frank conversation will establish healthy boundaries for them too. They might appreciate being included instead of just guessing and being given bits of information.
I just blocked both her
I just blocked both her numbers.
Yep, and when she does, you
Yep, and when she does, you answer it because it's your business phone, and when you find her on the other end, you politely state, "This is actually my business line, so SD won't be taking any calls on this line." and then you hang up. No discussion. Just state the fact, and hang up.
Oh, I'm not nice at all. I'm
Oh, I'm not nice at all. I'm a huge bitch in real life.
The thing about this situation is that BM is doing this for two reasons. 1) To attempt to control a situation because she feels like she's lost control of her ex husband in light of the recent email he sent her. 2) She would LOVE to get a rise out of Anne Boleyn.
If Anne responds calmly (denying BM the drama she craves) and doesn't give in to BM's bullying her way over the rules, it will burn BM's ass like none other, and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING she can do about it.
OMG, seriously, I was like
OMG, seriously, I was like two steps away from pushing "send" on a text the other day after BM2 pulled some shit, and it said "I don't know how many muscles it takes to smile or how many muscles it takes to frown, or how many muscles it takes to flip you off, but I'm about to conduct an experiment to see how many muscles it takes to floor this Crown Vic and put your ass outta my misery." But then I remembered that in court, that counts as premeditated, so I decided to keep that thought to myself.
I love everything that you
I love everything that you just wrote.
The level of honesty here amongst some of us are actually the reason we are still alive, functioning and living life.
i just saw your sig. That is
i just saw your sig. That is some funny shit.
I am going to read that book.
I am going to read that book. Thank you.
I need to put my "business head" on here. I have been doing that but not enough. And poor FDH doesn't realize he needs to apply business strategy to this situation. But he did mention it in his email to her... I just have to keep speaking to him in those terms now that he finally realizes that they are conducting a business relationship.
I just had a convo with FDH
I just had a convo with FDH that went like this:
- I know it is not your fault that this happened
- However, I am annoyed that you are excusing it
- This was a clear FU and violation of the boundary/ reaction to your email.
- In the near future, you need to see everything she does with a critical eye and realize what she's doing. She's going to do everything she can to tell you she is boss and this is her first move.
- I have blocked her incoming calls
- Your kids need to call her from their own phones for which you pay
- No one uses my business phone unless it is to call 911. My company is not paying for her to call and vice versa.
- Phone hours are phone hours from every phone. She can call her kids within those hours, when they are here, barring an emergency and vice versa.
He agreed and told me he would email/text her tomorrow. I am wondering, though, if it's better not to react at all and just let her realize her calls are blocked. On the other hand, this was just her first move and the opp to call again will be months awy so she should get swatted down for this. I am leaning towards him emailing-- telling her he asked her to respect our home and she called at 11PM and that's unacceptable.
The thing he needs to learn
The thing he needs to learn is that he's got to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt. It took DH a LONG time to realize that these women do NOT have the best of intentions. They are NOT victims. They DO know what they are doing, and they do it with malice. That's a hard lesson for a man who has a good heart and sees the best in even the lowest person.
I so agree. Couldn't agree
I so agree. Couldn't agree more
It is infuriating when they do this. 1- because they give them the benefit of the doubt but we are evil step witches when we make it stop 2- they just don't see it. It reminds us how they stil have a major soft spot for that woman.
Thank you. I agree.
Thank you. I agree.
OP, I hope you listen to Tog
OP, I hope you listen to Tog and Cheri.
Forcing him to be the man you want instead of accepting (or rejecting) him for who he is, will hurt you in the end.
boundaries NEED to be set to
boundaries NEED to be set to keep the marriage safe. what to do about breaches is a joint decision and has to reflect the needs of the partners. myself? i would suggest we ignore it, but re-inforce boundaries with the kids. i like the household meeting suggestion that you just don't accept calls after a certain time. bm is not an exception.
regarding the other posts on accepting him for who he is...i think alot of men don't know HOW to set bondaries, especially the mother of their children. they tend to want to give them free reign as they did in their marriage. i don't believe it's trying to change WHO he is as much as teaching him how to set boundaries around people who are not good for them or the marriage. instead of telling him that you don't want to be a 3rd wheel in their relationship and then sitting back and see if it happens, perhaps leaving him because he doesn't do it SHOW him day by day HOW to accomplish it. if he's a very nice man, it sounds like he's never learned to set boundaries on ANYONE in his life and probably needs help in learning this skill. and it's simply a skill. i've had to show my dh how to set limits, i do it with my employees, my kids, and i model how i would like it to go in MY interactions with my ex (pointing it out to him). my dh was clueless and allowed his ex and whole family to run over him. it HAS been a struggle, his family doesn't like it, his mother clings to bm (cause of the kdis *barf*), but my dh has gotten to the point where i have to say very little to him, and he's not angry at ME, he's angry at THEM. now he realizes how it goes and he IS a changed and different man in his perceptions, not as a person.
It's your line.... I wish you
It's your line.... I wish you would have answered! From now on when she calls, answer, no matter who's phone it is, except SD's phone.....!!!! I bet she will think twice after having YOU answer!
I know that the last two
I know that the last two phone services I had (ATT and Comcast) BOTH of these offered something called "Selective Call Forwarding" - which was must have been made for crazy BMs.
It allows you to forward a specific caller's phone number to a designated number. When the ATT lady was explaining it to me, she suggested forwarding that unwanted caller's call to a disconnected number, a local pizza place, sewer company, etc. Well, I'm lying. She just suggested forwarding the unwanted caller to a disconnected number. I threw in the idea of the pizza parlor or sewer company.
BM will think she has the wrong number, think the number is disconnected and hopefully stop calling.
I just blocked her
I just blocked her altogether. If she so badly needs to talk to her kids while they are here, she can call their cell phones and encouragethem to keep them charged. I really don't care. But she certainly won't be calling my business phone.