You are here

BM added her old wedding photo with DH to her household decor recently- help

Anne Boleyn's picture

Hi all,

It’s been several months since I’ve posted. I’ve stayed away in order to stay positive but I’ve run across a situation to which only the ladies of Step Talk can possibly relate.

Today, BM texted DH and said “SD13 is freaking out and wouldn’t go to school. Are you on your business trip? If not, can you stop by my house and check on her? I couldn’t be late for work and or miss any time today”. He responded by telling her that he hadn’t yet left for his business trip however he also had to be at work on time. Of course, she yelled at him and was a big bitch. Finally, it came out the SD13 was actually having an episode of very high glucose (she’s diabetic). Since DH was already at work an hour away, I went over there to check on SD. We got her under control and all was well.

BUT, while I was there, I noticed something very, very odd. In a curio cabinet that is prominently displayed in the main living area, one of the three special photos she had displayed was one of her and DH at their wedding!! They’ve been separated 8+ years and divorced 7+!!

I asked DH about this and he was shocked. He said he’s never seen it in her house and was rather wigged out by it. Now, she’s only lived in this place since June and it was my first visit inside there. She previously lived with a guy for 8 months and prior to that, I’d been to her old house multiple times and never saw that photo out anywhere. So, basically, this is a rather new edition to her living room décor!

My first question to you: When do you think she started displaying this photo?
A- When she moved in to this place in June (and DH never noticed)?
B- Last week when she got really pissed at me for finally telling her to eff off after 4 years of her games and abusive behavior?
C- Three weeks ago when she found out (by seeing tax returns) that although our big wedding is scheduled for April of next year, that DH and I actually are already married legally?
D- Over this weekend (DH hasn’t been there since last week) and she thought DH was leaving this morning for his trip and thought I’d end up going over there to check on SD in his absence if she threw a big fit about the kid being in need?
E- Some combination of the above?

Second—what do you think should be done about this? Now, I realize you can’t tell someone what to do in their own house but this is really psychologically confusing and possibly damaging to her kids, especially the youngest who is really having issues. She knows the kids are excited about our wedding and that they will all be IN the wedding (happily, I might add). Should DH happen to “notice” it next time he’s there to pick up the kids and say something to her? It’s so freaking inappropriate. Or should it be completely ignore? Any other advice?



Anne Boleyn's picture

Although I'd never do it, it would be quite amusing to say something like "Wow, you look SO young in this picture! But when was this? Like 1985? I can't remember..." ( I believe they were actually married in 1991) But she'd hate my pointing out that it is 1- ancient history and 2- that I am 7 years younger than her.

Anne Boleyn's picture


Other than the crazy woman appearances, we are doing really well! I am happily planning my "real" wedding and just got my dress last week! We get along great, he has very good boundaries with both the ex and the kids and has stepped the heck up! It's been a great year for us.

Sounds like the consensus is IGNORE. Your professional opinion has always been helpful to me so your endorsement of everyone's vote is enough for me. I think it's incredibly manipulative and selfish of her to do to her own kids, I guess saying something won't fix it and will just fuel her fire.

I was wondering if you were still here. Great to hear from you! How is life for you?

oneoffour's picture

No. By noticing it he is allowing her space in his life. OK you may think it is inappropriate but to her it may be 'see, we did love each other' or 'I still love your Daddy and he is marrying someone else." or "This is who I was ... back then."

Does it really matter? It is her life and her decor. Stop stressing over something you cannot control. Personally I would find it odd but then it isn't my house so it is none of my business.

And would you like someone to tell you a photo you displayed is inapproriate even though you don't? Would you take his ex's opinion as a reason to take down a photo? Should your SO say something? Not at all. He shouldn't even look at it. Becuase if he does he will be allowing her back in to his life and she will never go away... ever.

Anne Boleyn's picture

"By noticing it he is allowing her space in his life". You are absolutely right! This is exactly why I posted this here. I needed this kind of advice. You ladies are so wise.

Anne Boleyn's picture

I haven't been inside her house in over a year. And then it was only because I was in the foyer waiting for the kids to drag ass out to the car. He doesn't spend time in there anymore. (He used to and it was a MAJOR problem and one that I blogged heavily about and almost ended our relationship). But he does go in and wait while the kids get their stuff together. He doesn't linger.

You are right. She should NEVER have left her kid at home that sick (with that glucose level). But she did. And I wasn't going to have the kid end up in the ICU due to her mother's negligence and entitlement. I was in and out. She is not allowed in my home anymore.

Anne Boleyn's picture

I did knock. She didn't answer. I waited. I thought she might be sound asleep. As I finally put the key in the door, she came and opened the door. BTW- the key is on it's own key chain and stays in my house and is only for emergencies like this. No way would I let DH carry it on his key chain. BM doesn't have a key here but the kids do.

BM is now aware she cannot come in my house at all and hasn't tried since the edict. But if she does, we wouldn't say anything in front of the kids. We'd wait and address it with her after.

I'd prefer we never go in her house. But let me tell you... Sometimes in life you have to make compromises. At this point, we are in the midst of a major one. DH used to spend a ridiculous amount of time in her house. I hated it. So now, it really doesn't bother me if he goes in for a couple minutes to wait for the kids. You pick your battles. And again, this was the first time I've been in her place (moved in June) and before it was only a couple minutes in the entryway for a few moments.

twoviewpoints's picture

Pretend you didn't see it. A photo of their parents wedding isn't going to traumatize the kids. Skids know their parents were married and know they are long divorced. Carrying on about how inappropriate or detrimental DH thinks it is (without any proof to back it up)is not going to make her take it down. Hell, she might have a copy blown up into a 16x 24 and proudly hang it on the wall next.

Ignore ignore ignore. This too shall pass.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Thank you.

It was a struggle as I am very much in a mode where I am doing NOTHING to benefit BM and this was a gray area as her ass should've stayed home and taken care of her own daughter. But this was a case of putting the kid's need before my own as she could've been really ill. We couldn't reach her by phone because BM doesn't have a home phone and didn't take care to ensure her cell phone was charged and on (it was dead). Thank god I went there as her blood sugar was 4x the normal amount and in serious danger zone. And frankly, she was really happy that I cared enough to show up and check on her. I offered to take her home with me but she was improving and wanted to stay home.

Hanny's picture

Hi Anne, I've missed you. So glad you are doing well. yea, I agree with those that said ignore it.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Hi Hanny!

I've thought of you often. I need to give you my email address. I don't plan to spend a lot of time on here (although it's easy to get sucked back in). I'd like to keep in touch with you. I'll message my address to you. OK?

Anne Boleyn's picture

More than a slap in the face, it was a realization that she's FAR crazier than I ever knew. I mean, I knew she had issues that were mostly related to being controlling, manipulative and a big ol' martyr. But she's never done something like this before and frankly, DH and I were both completely stunned by this maneuver.

It was rather out of character. You see, she kicked him out 8 years ago. She asked for the divorce. SHE insisted they tell the kids. She often talks about how he was a shit husband, etc... In no way has she EVER acted like she was sad or upset over their break up.

This did get me thinking though... She did all the things I listed above but a year after he was out of the house, she STILL hadn't filed for divorce even though she said that's what she wanted. In fact, she got really pissed one year later when he filed and asked him why he had to "rush it". So now, after seeing that pic up suddenly today, I have to wonder if that was just a giant ultimatum that he didn't take. As a very manipulative, controlling woman who knew how much he loved his kids and hated not living with them, maybe she thought that was a way to get him to behave the way she wanted him to. I am really starting to think that she didn't really intend for a divorce and was shocked when it happened. That would actually explain everything I've witnessed over the last 4 years!

Regardless, it's sad and pathetic for a woman to put up a pic of her wedding 23 years ago that ended in divorce 7 years ago. And I am glad to have all of you reinforce the IGNORE Plan!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Dose the BM want to go to your wedding? My BM did and she wanted to bring her mom. That's a bag of cray cray. It can always be worse.

Maybe ask her where she got the wedding dress - your looking for a costume for next year's Halloween. }:)