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Question for those who had to move far away from BM/Skids for a job

Anne Boleyn's picture

My career has been in the financial services field. There is a possibility that I would have to move to take advantage of a new and better job opportunity. We would likely have to move to NY/NJ area so I could work in the city. (We are in FL now). FDH used to live/work there and there are lots of opportunities still there in his industry (far more than here). We do NOT want to move. We love it here. But it may become inevitable at some point in the next six months.

FDH has always lived within 30-40 minutes of the kids. Two are out of the house now, and the remaining are 15 and 12. (As you know, the 12 year old has issues and never wants to visit but does most of the time). We are currently EOWE and one day per week plus two vacation weeks spread out.

I am sure BM will absolutely flip out if this happens. She won't be able to demand that he does her job for her, and would definitely feel as if she'd lost control of him. And we'd have to change the agreement to something like they visit us for a week at spring break, week at Christmas and x weeks during the summer.

For those of you have been through this, what are things I'll need to think about if this comes to pass?


Anne Boleyn's picture

I can only imagine the comments from BM. But I bet she says exactly what you wrote. This is a woman who thinks he should live in her neighborhood and have the kids 50% of the time (or more b/c she thinks it would be great if they could swing by at their leisure) and still thinks she'd be entitled to FULL CS. She is mad that we live in a nearby town and acts like he's already abandoned them. It will be painful. But dear god, would it be nice to have her at a distance. Might be worth the crappy NE weather.

Rhyleighblue's picture

My DH moved over 600 miles away for my career. We get the skids for the entire summer break and every other Xmas. But, since the oldest has come to live with us 2 yrs ago (because BMs ex-con BF shot him in her home ) we must trade him for the younger two skids every single Xmas.

The driving is exhausting. BM doesn't drive and won't make the smallest effort to help with the distance. This has become a huge issue with visitation. But, since we are CO to take the oldest to see BM it is never an option to skip the drive and make some excuse to the skids.

DH sends care packages of clothes, candy and toys for every single holiday. Yeah... That adds up, too.

We are now seeking sole custody of all three skids. If we are successful, there will be less driving involved.

We shall see.

attempting_to_maintain_composure's picture

FDH and I moved out of state for a better life. We needed to get away from GUBM drama, we needed to get away from an oppressive mortgage and into an area that was far more affordable, and I personally needed to get away from my own family's crap. The move has been amazing with the exception of FDH's involvement with SD.

I agree with Identitycrisis about the possibility of PAS. GUBM ramped up her campaign of alienation when FDH and I moved to PGH from NJ. She tried implementing it when we had SD EOWE, but, it didn't firmly stick until we saw SD infrequently.

Also, be prepared for visitation and telephone time to be withheld if BM is an asshat.

The plan for us was that SD would come for one week during Christmas break, her spring break, long weekend breaks in the fall and spring (because the school she had at the time that we moved sucked and had long weekend breaks almost monthly if not twice monthly - FDH called it glorified daycare, which it definitely was), and for at least four weeks in the summer. They were also supposed to share driving/transport 50/50, meaning that they would either meet halfway between our towns or split the cost of a plane ticket when SD was old enough and willing to fly by herself. GUBM has only contributed her fair share once - when SD flew out here. But, of course, FDH and I had to foot the entire bill up front and then deduct her share from CS - which she of course whined, moaned, bitched, and complained about for an entire month. The other time? GUBM told FDH that he had to give her $100 for gas money if he wanted to see his kid.

Then, FDH was supposed to be able to talk to SD on the phone at least once every couple of days when she wasn't around and skype with her at least every other week. They skyped once, and even though SD has access to internet again, they still don't skype. Sometimes FDH can go months at a time without hearing from SD. And she's visited us twice. Once, a week after Christmas the first year we moved out here and then for one month during the summer of 2012. Pathetic.

Anon2009's picture

I personally haven't been through that, but know people who have and the BMs really ramped up the PAS. The moving parent also had to pick up the transportation costs.

You wrote on another blog about someone powerful in your field who said they are willing to help you. Hopefully that will work out so you won't have to move.

newtothis03's picture

We recently moved 6 hours from SD due to DH's job. And if your BM is like all the others, she will make passive-aggressive comments, try to make DH feel bad, etc. do what is best for your family.

kathc's picture

Make sure it's in the agreement who pays what transportation wise. I'd suggest splitting it by saying your dh buys tickets to you, bm buys tickets back to her, that way she won't just not buy the tickets to send them.

Your skids are old enough to fly unaccompanied. Don't let her act like they're tiny babies who will be sooooo scared to fly alone.

simifan's picture

Stay out of NJ it is next to impossible to emancipate when it comes to CS & you pay until they finish college grad school is not out of the question... NY is slightly better but not much... PA would be the best bet & hey there is a free PA online school for your SD. Good Luck to you...