You are here

On this (the other) side of the health issues: DH woke up

MorningMia's picture

My DH has been, I'd say, 85% aware of his skids' BS through the years and has in the past regularly confronted them about their behavior toward me (always denied--the youngest breaks down in tears). Early on, he was in major denial, and for the first few years of our marriage, he was extremely manipulated by what have come to call the cult. That almost led to divorce. Several years later, his recent health scare/health issue/hospitalization was a total nightmare with the 3 skids coming to town to "help" i.e. run us over. In his half-conscious frame of mind, it appeared that they were so very kind, taking care of him (eyeroll--when they didn't have headphones in and hear him screaming for help or when they weren't napping or getting up with him at night) when in fact they were doing very little for him while making my life more miserable by the day. 
Now that he is doing so much better, we have had some very long and honest talks about what occurred when he was barely conscious and/or sleeping most days. At the beginning, he was defensive (does that ever go away?) but he has now recognized the truth about his skids' CONTINUED crap behavior well into adulthood and their embarassing unwillingness to let go of their unjustified anger and resentment toward us as well as their unforgivable behavior directed toward me. He feels very hurt (again) about their behavior after leaving our home, but that's another long story. 
We are heading back to his full recovery and healing and moving on with our lives with clearer eyes. Yes, they will always be "around" in the sense he might see them once a year, and he chats with them by phone when I'm not around, but they will never again be "around" my house. No matter what.  

JRI's picture

I'm glad to hear your DH is better.  Its so very hard for these dads to let themselves truly see the poor behavior of their kids.   They so want to believe well of them.  I'm glad yours is seeing the light.


CajunMom's picture

Definitely no more overnights in your home. If your DHs health permits, he can see them away from the marital home. Since they only come around once a year, just have him meet them at a local restaurant. If that won't work, then keep the visits to an afternoon in your home with it being known everyone heads out early evening (you choose to offer dinner or have them leave before). 

My DH is older than me and while mostly healthy, does have health issues. The advice I'm giving you is what I've given myself should DH become seriously ill and his kids need to see him in our home. Currently, I'm "no contact" with his kids and he sees them outside our home, the few times they do come to our part of the country.  They've never shown concern for DHs health's always all about I surely do not want ANY help from those people in caring for my husband. I doubt they'd have his or my best interest at heart. 

I wish you the's not an easy journey having these type of people impacting our lives. 

MorningMia's picture

Thank you. For the most part, DH has seen the skids outside of our home for the past 10 years. When we have let our guard down, hoped things had changed, wanted to give someone another chance and allowed (suffered) the occasional visit here (max once a year or every two years), it has been pure hell. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm sorry you had to go through the health issues with your Skids being less thank helpful.  I would caution that in the end, these kids are still.. his kids (adults. .but.. the dynamic of parent child is still usually present to some extent).. and while they may not have been overly helpful, in their eyes.. they at least feel they tried to be there for their father in his time of need.  And.. as you said your DH defended them.. I am not sure that he needs to have the scale from his eyes scrubbed off while he is likely still in a healing and recovery mode.. a slight indication that they were "probably more work than help under the circumstances.."  "If there is a next time, I think it will work better if they stay at a hotel locally and just visit because it was a lot of work taking care of them.. and dealing with your needs."   You can drop those kinds of phrases as appropriate if he brings up their presence... 

Unfortunately,  a child can likely do horrible things.. even murder and parents are often still going to love and care for them.. and see them as "good"

ESMOD's picture

Oh.. and I still agree with you.. they don't need to stay with you in the future.. whether your DH agrees with you.. sees the light or not.. YOU can draw that boundary.. and esp if he is ill.. you are the one to call the shots.

MorningMia's picture

Also, I apologize if my response to you sounded harsh. You probably hadn't seen my much-earlier posts when I was in the midst of that living hell and could not believe that people would use a serious health crisis to continue to work to get their point across that they hate me--in my own house. It was awful. But IT IS OVER NOW! 

MorningMia's picture

This was not skids being "less than helpful." This was 30-somethings being their usual stunted-in-adolescence passive aggressive selves and making my life a living hell under the pretense of being here to help (the one who stayed a month is unemployed and needed a place to mooch for a month). Not to mention their treatment of my DH before, during, and after all of this. This was by far one of the worst months of my entire life where at times I physically felt I was going to collapse. There was no "eye scrubbing." There was a much-needed discussion called "never again." Yep, he will always love them. But not in this house. 

CLove's picture

Glad you were able to really discuss what happened and draw up some boundaries while your DH continues his journey towards health. Im guessing he might have been on medication, but the bio love goggles are never fully gone. So the more you can remind, the better.

I still get the husband being defensive when I ask about "is SD17 powersulk staying with us, and until when", because Im "picking on his kid". She stays in her room mostly and talks on the phone, comes out to eat, doesnt do much, and now shes on "break" and is in full vacation mode.

These failed families just make me sick to my stomach. And now its holiday season. Hopefully you can take a break from them and enjoy yourselves.

BobbyDazzler's picture

Yes, they are always around on some level. Focus on taking care of the both of you and never be afraid to tell them to knock off their BS.