You are here

Visceral revulsion?

Rags's picture

I find myself experiencing a visceral revulsion to ill behaved children.  Even years after their behavior may have improved.

Maybe this is a factor of never having had spawn of my own?  I don’t know.

It is as if the experience I have had of these kids as puke worthy banshees is ingrained in the core of my being.  And that extends to some loss of respect for their parents.  Even people that I am extremely close to.


This isn’t a conscious choice thing and not something I care for in myself but it is a thing.






mouse81's picture

I am a bit the same, especially towards my ss, I am trying not to be, but since I've seen sides of him a dislike I struggle with my emotions towards him. 

Areyou's picture

You have succintly described how I feel about my skids. This feeling is out of my control. Everyone in my life, including my exdh view me as a decent human being but I find myself filled with resentment towards skids. I can't get over how horribly behaved and poor mannered my skids are.

MoominMama's picture

I know the feeling, I have the same with SS. It does not matter how long he or I live I will never forget. My feelings towards the skids will never change now, I have realised this. I have two grown up sons of my own so i don't think in my case it is related to having or not having kids.

I just think they push it so far and you just reach a point of no going back.

lorlors's picture

I probably am a stickler for good manners but hey, that's me. It grinds my gears when sullen, bad mannered SS17 eats his fill, gets up from the table and doesn't say one word of thanks after I put a lot of love and effort into preparing a delicious homecooked meal. That was last night. I toyed with not making him any dinner tonight but didn't want to be petty. 

I completely understand the 'visceral revulsion' you speak of.

MoominMama's picture

Is it being petty?  personally I don't think so. He is very rude.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I wonder if it's because our subconscious believes these people have the potential to revert back to being puke worthy banshees. After all, we have witnessed the behavior. Whose to say they won't regress?

My DH doesn't know that the SDs have forever burnt their bridges with me. I don't allow gaslighters in my life. They could move mountains with apologies (they will NEVER apologize - they are mini BioHos, after all) but I will never allow them back "in". They had many chances with me. Gaslighting was the final straw and they are dead to me. Because I love my husband, I will continue to be a gracious hostess at Christmas. Nothing more.

WalkOnBy's picture

Ill behaved children make me NUTS!!!  I worked very hard to instill manners in my kids because I knew at some point, I would turn them out into the world.  To see parents who do NOTHING when it comes to their kids' manners makes me cranky and stabby and oftentimes drinky.

Kes's picture

I don't think it's about not having had your own biological children - I am a bio mother and I feel it.  I felt the same way about my SDs, and still do, although they cause me much less (tho not none)  heartache nowadays.  

CLove's picture

Is like the horror film "Chucky". He slapped my mother (his grandma), he cries and wails if he doesnt get his way EVERY time. I spent 2 days with him, and have a sick feeling when witnessing his interactions with my brother and sister in law. He does like my Dad though, because "pee paw' stays out of his way, doesnt try to interact with him.

Luckily Munchkin is pretty polite. She does get "grabby hands", and takes without asking, she will slurp her noodles and eat with her hands. But I get more annoyed with outright brattiness, than lack of manners.

Cover1W's picture

I've never really had that feeling with SD12 - she has had her moments but overall has been pretty good, and is growing up into an interesting, funny, happy and involved, responsible young teen.

However, the way SD14 has treated people in the past year has pretty much damaged any relationship with me on a permanent basis - I know it's not all her fault but she has made the clear choice to cut DH out of her life and the fact that she has ignored him on Father's Day and his Birthday makes me sick.  Her clear twisted mean-girl attitude will damage her future relationships moving forward and create barriers for her life.  Even DH has said so.

Ispofacto's picture

They say dogs can remember "good" and "bad" scents for years.  They don't remember why, they just remember the feeling.

It reminds me of the quote by Maya Angelou, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I've been struggling with this, because I hate SD now, but we have years ahead of us, and what if, by some miracle, she could change?  It would make life so much more pleasant for my beloved DH if we could all be friendly.

But I don't think I could ever trust her again, she's traumatized me too bad, and I have an instict to protect myself from people like her, ill behaved humans of any age.  And I think it's natural to have this reaction.

This instict I have has been honed by years of abuse at the hands of narcissists.  I've learned they never change, and I have no interest in giving them additional chances.  I can't handle any more trauma.

SD is a disgusting person, and she disgusts me, the same way her mother disgusts everyone.  Disgust is a natural reaction to disgusting people.



elkclan's picture

Not me. I have a visceral reaction to people who raise their kids to be heatherns. 

The other day I was in a shop - and there was a toddler who was screeling - I don't know what else to call it - high pitch wailing, screeching, screaming. Mom was in another world, grandpa was out of his depth. Cute kid, though. All she said to him was his name in a sort of "Oh Bobby..." [you're so naughty, but soooo pwecious]

I was so angry. It hurt my ears, set all my nerves on raw, my son and my OSS were with me. OSS has some hypersensitivity issues, so he was really, really struggling. My son - who like all young people - has a greater sensitivity to high pitched noises was in pain. My BS11 and OSS12 were hunched over with their hands over their ears (it wasn't exaggerated!). They tried to get away from the kid but the toddler followed them around and laughed every time they reacted. Mom and grandpa didn't grab the kid to stop him chasing BS and OSS around the store. I told them to look away from that kid and not react and not to put their hands over their ears - I shooed that kid away. I don't know if he spoke English, so I just used hand motions and a stern scowling face. There was nothing wrong with that kid. He knew he'd crossed over the line and straightened up a bit. That made me even angrier. Because I could see that he did respond to chastisement - he just didn't get any. Mom couldn't or wouldn't. And mom couldn't or wouldn't give him any other attention - so he got attention whatever way he could. She deserved my anger, not the little kid. 

Our lads are boisterous. But we are ALWAYS telling them to settle down and not bother other people. I'm always having to get on my steps because they don't know how to behave in the big city - the little rules that make life bearable. It's not their fault, I don't get angry, but I'm not going to let it slide either. When we went to Remembrance Day stuff last year - I told them exactly how I expected them to behave at Westminster Abbey. And they did it. They have empathy, but they're young and they don't think. I said there are people in this garden who have actually lost friends and loved ones and they shouldn't have to give a second of their time thinking about your behaviour, as they've sacrificed enough for us already. (This was to BS as well as SSs). Kids are little savages, it's our job to tame them. I'm not repulsed by the children just as I don't have revulsion for a cheetah that takes down a baby impala, it's doing what it does. I'm repulsed by the adults who ought to know better. 

Rags's picture

I wish I could reach President Regan's point of "Trust but verify".  I can verify all day long I just can't get to the trust part when it comes to these failed breeding experiments of idiot parents.  I have seen what these kids have perpetrated, I have seen the parents do nothing at worst or at best be completely ineffective in parenting.

I just can't trust and something internal just wouldn't let me trust them even if I wanted to. Which I don't.

I have learned to replace the active scowl I used to get on my face any time I am near these kids with a mask of blank disinterest while internally I just see increasingly larger walking piles of behavioral shit.  The most difficult part for me is that some of these parents are people that I otherwise respect and in some cases are some of my closest friends.   Nea


Thanks for the feedback everyone.  It is good to know I am not alone.