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OT- My year without DH

justmakingthebest's picture

I have posted before about DH deploying and going to live in Japan and more and more it looks like me moving with him isn't going to be possible. 

This year is shaping up to be pretty cool for me but I am feeling guilty and need to figure out tactful ways to talk to DH about it, because the last thing I want is him to be insecure or feel left out. While he has made the choice to stay active duty (been in 24 yrs), he is doing it for us. The financial benefits and medical benefits are very strong pro's and not having everything settled with SS18 was our #1 reason for him staying in. He did ask me before he did it as well, so I am in full support of him. 

But... My company is taking some key people on a cruise in September! Then in October I am going to Japan for 2 weeks without him as the Ombudsman (spouse volunteer that is the liaison between families and the command). I am so excited for both of these things, but I know he is jealous. I would be too in his shoes!

Does anyone have any advice on what to do other than play down my excitement and minimize talking about it? I know he wants me to be happy and have experiences and fun, but he is going to be on a VERY different cruise than me so I get his feelings LOL


TheAccidentalSM's picture

But don't go on about how excited you are.  Maybe you need to emphasise how much you are going to miss him and how much responsibility you are going to be shouldering for OSS and your two while he's gone but that the two trips are going to make the year much more survivable.

Then you can talk about your joint plans together for what you are going to do once he's home (and I think finally getting out???)

justmakingthebest's picture

We are planning the first trip for me to go out to Japan when he get's there and we are talking about a European thing once Japan is over. It's a good idea to keep the focus on those vs. my 2 solo trips. 

He is actually going to try and hit 30 yrs in! Which is cool, I love our life and while there are hard times, there are also so many amazing things that the military has afforded us. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Wow.  That is a good stretch.  

advice.only2's picture

I guess if you just focus on the now until he is deployed maybe that will help soften that you are going to be having some great adventures while he is away.  If the subject comes up you should talk about it and even if he can’t fully share in your excitement at least he can see how much this means to you.  I come from a military background so I understand the sacrifices made on all sides. 

Cover1W's picture

My DH has gone on two vacations solo in the last year. Both to places and events that are not on my list but still, it's hard. I have a ton of work obligations recently and my kitty needs medical support several times a week so travel is very limited for me right now.

I cannot tell him he can't go since he's doing things he wants to do, he's a bit older than me and wants to get some of these in before travel becomes more difficult. We do talk about it before he goes, about my feelings, his feelings and the overall injustice of my inability to travel.

He does tone it down when talking with me, doesn't go on and on about how awesome or magnificent it is because yes, I am jealous, and I'm stuck here and feel left out. Be kind to him, don't talk it up. Discuss it if he asks. DH will make it up to me (he's that kind of person) and that helps too.

ESMOD's picture

To be fair... you are taking on a lot back home... and a couple of breaks are nice.. but you are still doing a whole lot.

Crspyew's picture

Why are you even worried about this?  This is part and parcel of his assignment and your role as an Omsbudsman.  Enjoy the trips.  Isn't your DH going to be assigned to a ship?  Isn't that ship going to make a few port calls in some fairly nice places?  Is DH going to take advantage (work/duty days permitting)?   Your life doesn't pause because he is away.  Don't feel guilty, enjoy.  And he should not be a fun sponge about your trips.  You've worked hard, your are a very supportive wife, mom & SM.  A few days R&R isn't much compensation for all that you have taken on.

justmakingthebest's picture

I appreciate that perspective. I guess I have felt so much of my life that I am undeserving... of anything really. So, now that I have these adventures for JUST ME, I feel guilty. He isn't doing anything other than showing disappointment (understandable- I feel the same way about his port calls!), but not guilt me. That is something I am taking on. 

I just bought a new car this week too. It was the first time my car hasn't been about other people. I had so much anxiety about making the purchase. DH didn't have an opinion- just told me to find what made me happy. It wasn't about my kids, it wasn't about anyone else. Even the color is something that DH would have NEVER picked, but I love it. However, the anxiety and guilt and the feeling of undeserving is something that I struggle with. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Can't he join you on the cruise? I know its a work thing but if he paid his own way why couldnt he? I mena I am assuming you wont be sharing a cabin with a co-worker.

And why wouldnt they have you go to Japan when he is there? Thats seems like poor planning on thier part.

justmakingthebest's picture

He is going to be in and out on his ship and won't be able to go on my company cruise. 

I can technically go to Japan but we would only have 1 yr there before his orders are up. It is a lot to make my daughter either move countries for a year or move states to live with her dad to do 2 yrs of high school. Plus we have SS23 that is Autistic and not living on his own yet. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Why would he be jealous? I do a few enjoyable things/trips without my DH due to nature of his job and me having longer vacation time off work. He gets lonely but I'd be worried if he was jealous. Does he not want his wife to have a good time? 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think jealousy is natural. Of course he wants me to have a good time but if he will be working 18 hr days and prepping for a long deployment, and I am going on 2 vacations. If the shoe was on the other foot I would absolutely be jealous. Not that I wouldn't want him to go, but of course there is envy!