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When you just don't care anymore

justmakingthebest's picture

The last couple of days have been crazy. DH is deployed but has wifi coverage so we can talk and email every day- just so you have that tidbit for this story.

SS24 is working nights at the shipyard as a welder, he is doing really well for himself. However, on Monday at almost 11pm while on his way to work he rear ended someone and totaled his car. Everyone was fine- not hurt- but it was a nasty accident. SS was HYSTERICAL. He had to hand the phone to the man he hit so I could find out where they were. I rushed out in my PJ's to meet them and wait for the police. I had to put SS in my car because he just couldn't cope and was hyperventilating sobbing and honestly just on my last nerve. So, I got the car towed, handled all the cops and firemen. Opened the door, told SS to sign the ticket and the closed it back. I just handled it all. 

I texted DH and told him. His only response was "wow glad he is ok". - No thank you for waking up and dealing with that even though you get up at 5am to be at work. No thank you for helping with everything that is about to come with him totaling a car. Nope. 

Yesterday, I got SS to the credit union, got him pre approved, took him car shopping and helped him buy a car. I wasn't going to spend a dime on another car for him and he has the funds and the job. Told DH... all he can talk about is the port call he is on (the ship makes stops at cool places and the sailors get to blow off steam and visit for a few days). Cool. Have fun.

Yesterday was also our anniversary. Nothing. Not a word about it. I decided that morning that I wasn't going to say anything or post to social media until he did. He never did. He never thanked for everything I did for SS. Nothing. Life is just about him on a gorgeous beach and eating great food and drinking good beer. 

It was funny I mentioned it to my boss this morning- he and I are really good friends outside of work- he asked if I was ok and the honest answer was yes. I don't even care anymore. I don't care that he forgot. I'm just over it. 


Aniki-Moderator's picture

I want to smack your H upside the head with bag of sand. 

All you did shows the caliber of person you are and you ROCK. *give_rose*

advice.only2's picture

I’m sorry to hear all of that!  Your DH would deserve nothing less than to come back and find you have moved on and not left a forwarding address.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Wow...if you change the details but keep the reactions the same I bet almost every single stepparent has lived this to some degree - this is very cathartic to read.

On to you - do you have ot stay with this guy? He doesn't appreciate you whatsoever and he's extremely selfish. He literally has no perspective. YIKES. 

THe positive side is YOU are a very good and selfless person - thank you for doing what you did, above & beyond the call of duty. You deserve much better than your DH IMHO. 

Yesterdays's picture

Your step son is learning about how to be a good person from you, you have helped him so much in life, even though I can't imagine how hard that must have been and without much help. 

I have no words for your partner. No good ones anyhow. All I can say is he's stuck in his own little world with little care for the people who should mean the world to him.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I think it's time to distance yourself a bit from your spouse. For your own sanity because he's not supporting you.

I would not communicate with him for a few days until he asks what's up. Then I'd tell him it's pretty damn demoralizing to hear his fun tales of sitting on a beach while you're managing HIS offspring and he is doing nothing for the relationship like remembering your anniversary. He needs a wakeup call.

JRI's picture

Good suggestion.

Rags's picture

The 5000Lb gorilla in the room. Why is stepmommy running to solve a problem with a working certified 22yo shipyard welder?

I would have told the skid to figure it out.  After discerning that he was okay.

He was okay, at that point, not your problem.

As for port-of-call DH, inform him that he has failed to wish you a happy anniversary for the last time since there will not be a marriage to celebrate future anniversaries over.

Tell SS he has a week to find his own place. Welders make bank, he can figure it out, or face time with daddy.


I wish I had found this clarity before my first anniversary with my XW. If I had, there would not have been an anniversary at all. Not even the first one.  But nooooooo. I was not going to divorce, I could fix it, yada, yada, yada.  Instead, I forgot who I liked being.  Doing that for a single second is far too long. Much less for 2+ years.

Take care of you. Celebrate you. Let daddy figure it out for himself and his kid.  I know, the kid has some syndrome/disorder of the moment. However, if the kid is cogent enough to be a working certified welder, he needs to own his own issues and solve his own problems.

justmakingthebest's picture

He is a welder on a special needs program. He is Autistic and really can't live on his own. BELIEVE me if it was a possibility- he would be out. He has job coaches, trainers, etc. While he is doing well- it's because the government requires people with disabilities to have jobs.

Rags's picture

Thanks for reminding me of the details.  How about a supervised special needs adult apartment community  where professional oversight, crisis management, and basic guidance can extend into his home  and personal life as well?  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I agree about distancing yourself from your DuH. Radio silence for a few weeks AT LEAST. Long enough from him to worry.

MissK03's picture

Not a lot of people would do what you do. Know you've raised SS right and DH needs to understand that..

Does he talk to SS while on deployment? Can he FaceTime? Sounds like he needs a "come to Jesus" conversation about the status of your marriage. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Honestly, I wasn't even sure until yesterday that SS realized his dad was gone. No, there is no communication.

thinkthrice's picture

St. Rita of Cascia's day.  Patron saint of women with difficult husbands.

justmakingthebest's picture

I just want to thank you all. I have been on this site for over 12 years- I had a different user name before while married to my ex. 

I am going to go radio silent for a couple of days from DH. 

H (not going with DH right now) has a port call that coincides with DS18's high school graduation and we have a trip planned. I don't want to ruin that for DS. I'll figure out the rest later. Me and DD16 will be fine no matter what happens. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I am so disapointed in your DH - I used to think he was one of the good ones. I can't believe that he didn't thank you for all you did for SS! Your SS is so lucky to have you in his life. I agree with the suggestion to not communicate with him for a few days and then explain exactly why. Maybe that will wake him up.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

JMTB sorry to hear that your husband is being a poophead.

He needs a serious reminder about how much you do for him and his sone.  Does he really think he'd be able to off on deployment if you weren't there to support SS.

Put him on a communication time out for a bit and when he finally notices be really clear that you are feeling completely under appreciated and that he is skating on some very thin ice with you.

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time but it is great to get an update from you.

pineappleeffect's picture

I'm not going to play guessing games on why it is this man could have possibly forgotten your anniversary. Clearly he did though. Tell him that. Short and simple. "You forgot our anniversary. I would have reminded you but I was already in my feelings from putting out fires at home and not feeling very appreciated. There's nothing you can do about anything while far away, but remembering that one little detail would have made a world of difference." And then don't say anything else about it. Give him time to think and figure out a way to recover his self. Chances are, although I said I wouldn't do this, he has emotionally distanced himself from you both for this deployment. Additionally, I've been salty over some beach and steak pics, too. So, you're not alone with that 'oh, great' feeling. It is all about perspective, though. So take a break and take yourself to the nearest beach for now. SS included or perhaps not if possible. It'll be hard for him to come to his senses or snap out of that dissociative state if you're giving off resentful vibes and there's no getting around not showing it if its there. Focus on you. Find a beach asap.

Harry's picture

Other these BP. think once they marry you, you take on all the responsibilities of a birth parent.  Because you love him.   They just don't understand that. It's not your kid, you have choices in what you do. Or don't do. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I mean how he has been acting lately in general that you have posted about would really upset me and make me reconsider my marriage, but to not say/post nothing on your anniversary and not appreciate you helping his son out while he was gone during something that to your SS was traumatic and was a total inconvenience for you, just really SUCKS and shame on him.

I am not defending your DH at all, but I do know for my DH it is easier for him when I am away (since my DH hasn't ever had to be the one to travel) that he doesn't want to talk about me being gone really and about certain subjects until I am back because it is easier for him to cope with me being gone this way. ALTHOUGH I will say my last trip away from him in April he did express about me being gone and talked about the subjects he usually avoided because I had mentioned to him before it seemed like he didn't care so it seems he listened and changed his actions to show me he cared.

However, is this normally how he acts when deployed or away? Or is this all new?

justmakingthebest's picture

Honestly since we dropped the fight for SS19, it's been a downward spiral for our marriage and me going to counseling and remembering my worth has not been good for our marriage.

I'll talk about something that bothers me, then I say but its ok- it's just a phase or whatever, then my counselor will ask if I'm really ok... I realize I'm not. I'm really not ok with anything in my marriage. I have justified too much for too long.

Rags's picture

I  understand the relationship changes that can come with the end of the constant battle with the blended family oppostion. The collaboration while confronting the threats and fights can build a very strong and intense bond that is left without the struggle to sustain it when the threat fades. 

It took us a while to adjust. It was actually harder for me since I was always very poised to rip out their throats for the 16+ years we lived under the CO.

I think what was a big help for us to redirect our bond was that we moved overseas a few months after SS reported for basic training.  We navigated the changes, learning a new communty, etc....

You are the one stuck with the tension and drama without the bond of confronting it together while he is doing his sea duty.  IMHO, he is the one failing the marriage. Not you.

Take care of yourself.