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SD visit postponed

Notthedoormat's picture

DH was planning to trek out of state to collect non-driving SD22 and sgks and bring them to our home for a visit.  This is especially difficult if its just a weekend visit because its a 4.5 hour drive, however I don't mind keeping the visit at just a couple of days. It will now likely happen over Father's Day weekend or some other time in June. 

I'm definitely glad to put it off a bit, but DH is absolutely going bonkers wanting to see them. And I understand. But it's hard to sit back and watch this young woman with 2 very small children,  seeing she has no job, no ambition, no money and a slacker DH in jail. DH doesn't want to be an enabler, but doesn't want to see them go without necessities. We contribute to sgks, but did much more for 1st sgk...fewer sgks means less sharing and spreading it around.  Which brings me to my next idea. SD had previously said she wants DH to take her and Skgs to a particular place for a pricy toy for each of them. I'm thinking of telling DH that we/he should explain that since they have needs, we could help with those purchases and forego the pricy (at least $50 each, bare minimum,  up to $100 and SD goes for the max) toys. That doesn't mean we can't get them toys,  but something less expensive so we can help meet more needs than wants. I'm trying to be practical and hopefully help SD see that she and Slacker are going to have to take responsibility and do something to support their kids. 

Rags's picture

Period dot.

As for how much to spend on each GSKid... set the total budget for the event and stick with it.  That the elder GSKid got a lot and now there are two.. there is no reason to balance the spend to make up for what was spent on the elder when the younger did not exist.

This failed Skidult and her incarcerated DH need to figure out how to support htemselves and their spawn. Daddy, nor you, should be supporting any of them.

Daddy being in jail should qualify mommy for all kinds of assistance programs for the little GSKids.  Or... she could just..... get a JOB!!!


Notthedoormat's picture

I am going to have a discussion with DH before the visit- we definitely need to discuss $$$ expectations.  I think he will agree that given the situation and circumstances, shopping for expensive toys should be on the back burner, given 2 little kids and how fast they grow and need clothes,  and both are still in diapers.  

It pisses me off that she purposely had a second baby, knowing they couldn't support themselves and the one they already had.  

I have always told DH the visit might be a good time to bring up her future,  what she wants for her children and herself and how to get it, maybe some job training....  If he doesn't bring it up I probably will and talk about my experience being a divorced working mom and the example I've tried to set for my kids to develop a strong work ethic. 

I'm at the point where I feel advice and 'not is the best thing to give her.  I'm definitely not down to take on the financial responsibility for her and the kids while she sits on her ass.

Rags's picture

moms or struggling young families, who repeat poor decissions..

She was raised in a low income family.  She is the eldest of 4 and a SD raised by her mom and an SF.  Her BioDad was killed in a vehicle accident a few days before my MIL found out she was pregnant with my DW.  MIL remarried when DW was 2mos old.  My FIL raised her as his own.  They were each other's person until my FIL passed in 2018.  DW was his, period dot. Though not a product of his genes. 

DW was a 16 & Pregnant/Single Teen Mom.  She did not let that ruin her life or her son's life.  She graduated with her HS class with honors.  She leveraged resources and programs to enroll in an accelerated Bachelor's degree program, completed a dual major BS degree with honors, an MBA with honors and has a successful career as a CPA.  Her son (SS-30) is a successful adult in his own right.  She/We modeled the behaviors and held him accountable to standards of behavior and performance.  That has given him the foundation to be successful as an adult.

When she sees someone choosing to not step up and provide for themself and their childen it infuriates her.  Her perspective is that if she can do it, it can be done by anyone.

Of course there are infinite variables in play for the comprehensive population of parents of any age.  However, owning the outcome tends to guide outcome to a positive result.  Regardless of the variables.

DW considers herselt to be proof of concept on that topic.

I hope that SD can figure it out for her own outcome and more importantly for hte outcome the the lives of her children.

Notthedoormat's picture

  I'd feel the same for my bios. I've tried to set an example of a good work ethic and emphasis on being independent.

I just hate to see someone with absolutely zero ambition bemoan having no money, or wasting money when she does have some. 

As much as I don't care for BM's other behaviors,  it does appear that she's held a good job and owned her responsibility in taking care of her kids.  Good examples were set, but SD hasn't yet grown up and doesn't follow those examples.  I'm hoping with her Slacker H jailed (hopefully his incarceration lasts long enough,  but we don't know yet) she will have time to tire of the status quo and be willing to make changes. Hopefully. 

As SM/ dad's wife,  there's not a lot I can do, but hopefully other adults in her life with speak up and guide her to a live of independence.