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General update and most recent complaints

Notthedoormat's picture

Back in January SD21 gave birth to her 2nd child. DH drove to their town about 4 hours away the night before because she'd been to the hospital thinking she was in labor and was sent home (she lived with BM at the time and she and her slacker DH, SGD2 bounce between BM and SD's in-laws).  I didn't go because I had the flu.

The next morning BM called DH at his hotel and said they were going back to the hospital.  DH said OK, he'd meet them their. Then BM called him back and said she needed him to drive them....SD's slacker H couldn't because he had to drive his father to work (slacker doesn't have a job and hasn't had a job in over a year). So, DH went to BM's and drove her car with SD,  BM and SGK 2yr old.  

To make a long story short, the hospital was about an hour away and SD delivered in the car on the shoulder of the road. She and baby were taken on to the hospital by ambulance and baby was kept a couple of extra days because of withdrawal from caffeine (SD21 was instructed to avoid caffeine because she had pre-eclampsia with 1st pregnancy.  IMO, she wanted to deliver prematurely for attention,  but she was nearly term, so baby was well developed and otherwise healthy. 

BM and DH stayed at the hospital all day and got hotel rooms that night and he came home the following day. Oh, and BM needed his shirt after the baby was born because her top was covered in blood from catching the baby. 

I was upset about the was a gift to my DH from me and he'd worn it once. I even reflected that if it were me, I'd have just gone to the hospital gift shop and bought myself a shirt...but I let it go. Maybe I was being petty...

Since then, we've been to visit, but just once. We also went in Nov, Dec and Jan, plus DH's trip for the birth. Thankfully,  not since because I'm exhausted still from it.

SD and her 2 kids and slacker H have left BM's home where they were at least clean and taken care of (BM is a major enabler) and gone to slackers family's house. DH can't stand slacker and his trashy family so he's not wanted to go back to see them again yet.  Well, SD hasn't been in contact much until yesterday when she sent a couple of pictures and a few messages to our group chat.  She was letting us know she has entered SGK in a beauty pageant and is entering herself and SGK in one "for her birthday"....SD's birthday,  not SGK's.  

I feel like she wants money because she specifically said it was for her birthday...  SD nor her slacker H work or have an income.  They get government assistance like medicaid and food stamps.  She didn't outright ask ....yet, unless she's asked DH and I don't know about it. I feel like with their situation we should not contribute financially to pageants.  We send clothes, diapers and things for SGKs periodically,  but it's because they're just babies that can't help that their parents are deadbeats. Am I wrong here?

ndc's picture

You're not wrong. No need to enable poor decision making. I'd provide practical gifts for birthdays. Pageants don't fall into the practical category for me. 

Notthedoormat's picture

We've done practical gifts for several years now because it should be able needs, not wants.

SD21 has asked for money a few times and DH asks what it's for and I'm beyond proud of him for saying no when it's not for something they actually need.  

ESMOD's picture

IMHO.. I do kind of feel like birthdays should have some amount of "fun" to them.. so I might be inclined to gift her a small amount of money for her to "blow" at her discretion.. even if it's not on a NEED.  If he also wants to provide some practical gifts.. that's fine too.. but feeling like every gift from your dad comes with some underlying lecture of you not being capable of taking care of yourself and family (even if it IS true).. yeah.. that's not that fun is it?

Do not get me wrong.. he is not responsible for making up the gap in her life due to their decision to be un or under employed.. that it's not his job to provide for his grandkids.. but the reality is in many cases like this.. family does pitch in if they are able.

I do agree with his refusal to agree to her random requests for non-essential support... but I think I would probably be giving her a small amount of cash on her birthday and christmas for something "fun".. and give the grandkids a toy or something instead of just diapers and formula etc.. "needs".. I'm not saying he should necessarily encourage her pageant whims.. but giving her 50 or 100 on those occasions for her to treat herself to whatever it is.. even if it isn't sensible.. would be nice. 

That doesn't mean he doesn't have ongoing encouragement for them to be more responsible.. but not everything needs to be a lesson.

Newimprvmodel's picture

If you don't have a good solid relationship with steps then just let their father handle everything.  No obligation to wrack our brains over things involving people that don't care or engage with us.  

JRI's picture

I'd ignore the pageant hints.  What a trainwreck.  It must be nerve-wracking thinking about them.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OSD was the same way, always hinting for money. She wanted a boob job and tummy tuck and thousands for travel cheer and other activities, all while being a SAHM.

Rags's picture

that  you give them money via your taxes. Along with the rest of the responsible employed people in the country.

Lather.... rinse..... repeat.

Their choices are what drives their hunger and the hunger of their spawn.



Notthedoormat's picture

Rags,  you always hit the nail on the head! We have talked about that and DH sent her the statues about fraud because we heard her slacker H actually sold their benefits.  He has threatened to report it, but hasn't followed through yet.   He's mortified they're on assistance because slacker is completely able-bodied to work.  But he's too lazy to take a shower for basic hygiene.  Some people thought it was mean, but I actually gave him soap for Christmas because no one wants to smell that. If it hurt his feelings he can cry to his momma.

We would be happy to help SD get on her feet if she didn't have her head stuck up his ass.  For whatever reason,  she thinks he hung the moon.

She isn't educated,  was never interested,  but she could learn a skill to help support herself and her children....


Notthedoormat's picture

a little clarification...we give all the kids, steps and bios (5 kids in age from 26 to 12) $200 for birthdays,  except the youngest, since we still buy his gifts instead of cash.

Christmas presents are practical, but along the lines of name brand clothing, a new jacket, shoes, pricey makeup/perfume/hair products...for SD21, we ask what she needs and she sends a list and we choose from whatever she says.  Just not games and electronics and things like that.  Practical in terms that she can use them almost every day,  but still nice.  

1st Sgd2, I order clothes seasonally/ when the weather changes, and expect to do the same for 2nd sgk...likely will be fewer outfits each, but still probably about 5 each. And SGK2 gets lots of toys and books from us, also,  and money for her savings account. We get cases of diapers and wipes just because we know they need them and we don't mind helping out.

But with everything we do, I'm a little offended that we don't get a thank you or nod of appreciation.  I don't expect a parade or anything,  but just something more than taking whatever we give and then ignoring us, particularly her dad.  For me, I do the shopping and write the checks and sign the cards because DH works out of town all week nearly every week and just doesn't have time.  Our finances are combined and I don't have complaints about misuse of money, but...I don't feel like she should think we'd want to finance pageants when they don't even have any income because neither of them will work.  We would do anything to make sure the babies have what they need and also plenty of toys and fun stuff, but I feel like SD is off in lala land while the real adults work and provide.  She has done this before...extremely limited communication until she wants something,  so that makes me think she's hoping we offer to pay for the pageants.  

For myself,  I get that I'm her dad's wife,  not a mom figure,  but I do hate it for DH....  He sometimes expresses feeling used and only contacted when they want something,  so it's hurtful.  Maybe one day he will say something about it to SD, but until he does, it will continue. 


SteppedOut's picture

You do A LOT for these "parents". 

At some point everyone needs to take a step back and check out all of the enabling that is allowing them to be worthless. 


Notthedoormat's picture

I agree that everyone does too much!

I don't mind so much giving gifts for birthdays and Christmas because we'd do that anyway,  as long as we are financially able to. I don't mind doing some diapers and pull ups and wipes or things like that to make sure the babies have necessities.  I enjoy getting them clothes, too. But the letting them live rent free with no end in sight and not insisting on them becoming self sufficient is just not something I could even imagine...

ESMOD's picture

Thanks for the clarification.. it's tough when peoplle can't/won't do for themselves.. and certainly it being easy for them to just ask.. it is hard.

I do think your husband should probably start being more direct and not hold his judgement back as much.

aka.. "Honey.. I love you and the babies.. but neither you or your husband work.. you have no business playing about with pageants while you are holding your hand out to take help from your famillies to cover your baby's basic needs..sorry if this hurts your feelings.. but it's the truth.. both you and your husband are capable of working.. if he won't.. then he can stay home with the kids and you can go to work.. that's how responsible adults function.."

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Everything in this situation is out of order. So much wrong. Your husband and his ex spending days together, delivering their daughter's baby together?! In my world, if the woman is married, her husband is supposed to be her support, not her divorced parents. SD's husband was busy driving his father to work while his wife is in labor? Just wtf. I also agree with you about not donating to the pageant fund, not to begrudge the poor baby a fun birthday but because i would be just done dealing with them. Neither parent works and they are basically homeless. Not "unsheltered homeless", but the equivalent of couch surfing with 2 kids. This bunch has all their priorities out of whack, IMO. I don't know how you stand any of them. I may get hate for this but no way should your husband have taken that 4-hour trip without you. As the grandpa who is living 4 hours away with his wife, that was not his role IMO. Between BM and the husband, getting her to the hospital and childbirth support should have been covered. Also, something is fishy about the whole baby remaining hospitalized for caffeine withdrawal. Idk how much the girl drank but it had to have been whole pots of coffee all day long to cause that. 

Notthedoormat's picture

Oh, we've been round and round over the enmeshed. I've said my piece about it and DH knows where I stand. 

I honestly do understand to a certain degree why they go to the extremes they do, and its because of the grandkids,  but none of them has the backbone to really speak up about becoming adults and taking on the responsibilities that entails.  They aren't doing them any favors in the long run, imho. And that's another reason why I do not want to give anything for the pageants.  I mean, I don't begrudge them some help with things they need, but its infrequent and shouldn't be taken for granted like it is, but something frivolous like beauty pageants for baby and mom, count me out is what I say. Sure, its fun, but they need other things more and they should step up and do something themselves,  right?

I'm glad I'm not making too much out of this because I was afraid I might have been being petty.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"I'm glad I'm not making too much out of this because I was afraid I might have been being petty."

Dealing with crazy makes a person doubt their own sanity. Of yourse you aren't wrong. 

Notthedoormat's picture

I question my judgment so much because every situation I find myself in with skids is honestly over the top!

CLove's picture

Those poor poor children!!!!

I can sort of excuse SSD, because two children, one an infant, but Slacker H? Oh boy this will get worse. Luckily they dont live close by or you would be used for childcare while they go out and live their best lives.

You are not wrong or petty. Have those convos with DH so you can be ready for money grab convos.



Notthedoormat's picture

My DH and I do need to have a talk about this before she asks for $$$, because I suspect she will.... she's a little covert and makes announcements like this, hoping an offer of money or whatever comes before she has to ask, at least that's how it seems to me.  

Her Slacker H will hopefully be going to jail for several counts of theft...he had most of the charges against him dropped, but some have been referred to a grand jury. I hope it's more than a slap on the wrist, but with courts, you never know. 

DH has already said Slacker H isn't to set foot in our home. He'd welcome SD and her kids, but I'd have a problem with it because I won't cater to her like BM does. I don't think she'll come to our house for more than a visit, though. She doesn't have anyone but us here and she doesn't drive and I can't miss work to take her to appointments and I damn sure won't be her cook/chauffeur/maid/ all purpose bitch.  

She knows how to work DH, though....making her contact scarce and then he's missing video calls with sgks, especially the 2 yr old, whom he absolutely adores...and she knows he's give his right arm for her happiness.  But I am really hoping it continues to change for the better over time.


Notthedoormat's picture

I think because DH was usually traveling for work and not around Monday-Friday most of the time,  even when he was married to BM, he carries guilt. And over time I've decided that's his problem and only he can release himself from that.  We talked a bit this weekend about SGKids and he noted that BM doesn't video call as much when she has sgkids...he astutely noted "she must have a new boyfriend". I told him I was glad he noticed her behavior changes when she has her own life.

I definitely speak up for myself more now than I ever have and I've noticed he brings me into the conversation and of she says something,  like "I really like red apples" ...he will say "yeah, Notthedoormat does too. She makes the best apple pies"....but it's an ongoing process... if he hadn't changed his behavior,  I probably wouldn't be here now


Rumplestiltskin's picture

The real win will be when he doesn't talk with BM about her apple preferences at all. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

Your SDs behavior is never going to change (the entitlement and selfish expectations) and is going to be passed on to the gkids. If reasonable and fair boundaries aren't set now, the gkids will always have their hands out to you and your DH too. The SD and loser husband ask for help and money because they know they're going to get it. Sounds like the SD uses her kids to get what she wants, too.

Notthedoormat's picture

But SD is finding she isn't getting her way!  I'm so happy to report that SD video called over the weekend and again talked about the pageants...she told DH and I the entrance fees for both and talked about pageant outfits and blah blah blah and DH is just smiling away like,  ok, ok, that sounds great.  Hopefully we'll get to come, but we're awful busy. He genuinely meant it...I know he'd love to go, but in reality they are about 4 hours away and we both have full time jobs and one of these dog and pony shows is on a Friday....not likely to happen because I'm not using a vacation day for this.  

DH's eyes have been slowly opening and it's hard to watch because I hold my breath waiting to see how the will respond to whatever she says.  I'm proud of the changes he's made because he's really come a long way, especially over the last 2 years. I just hope it continues this way. 

With a new sgkid, sgd2 and I have a bio grand on the way, I'm going to talk to him about cutting back in general.  He's also taken a job that is less hours and allows him to be home on weekends,  so we needs to cut back for that reason alone.  But also because we aren't financially obligated to raise the grands.  We love giving,  but we have to be reasonable about it, too. 

The general handouts have to stop.