SD31 changed mind about custody
BM2, SS26, and SS27 are now both able to visit, in the end of April. SS26 will be bringing his wife and kids.
SS26 has lined up job interviews, and from what DH says, may be coming to live in our area on at least a semi permanent basis, to either petition for custody of SGK's or support his sister in raising them. SS27 will be staying through the end of August, until his next university term starts.
DH's sister and her two daughters are going to take over care giving responisbilities of DH's mother and father for the time being - apparently BM2 is VERY VERY close with DH's extended family aside from his parents despite wuarrels about religion. I jave never met any of DH's extended family aside from SKs and several cousins.
SD31 revealed to DH that she had been seeing a young(er) man for over a year before SD33 and BM1's passing, that he was a mechanic for the same airline she use to work for, that she loved him and they were planning a life together but she didn't tell DH because she knew he would be angry based on this young man's nationality/religion. SD31 revelaed she continues to see him about once a month, and that he's been pressuring her to either commit to him, or that she had to let him go.
DH, SD31, SD31's surpriboyfriend met him for lunch this morning DH hired a babysitter, and SD31 invited me 'as moral support for her father.'
He's 23, SD31 has been seeing him pretty consistently since he was 19. By November of '19 they were so serious they started seriously taking marriage, all of that was put to rest by the death of SD35.
Everything was extremely intense SD31 told DH to keep his mouth shut about politics, religion, and race. SD31's boyfriend claim's raising SGKs is robbing SD31 of her spirit and all her dreams. SD31 says all she's ever dreamed of is being a wife and a flight attendant, that she almost certainly never wants children. SD31's boyfriend told DH that he doesn't really care if DH never approves of him marrying SD31, or if DH hates Israel, or if DH just wants to retire. He said that he knew DH was a good father to SD31, and that now he had to step up and be a good grandfather.
SD31 flat out told me she doesn't care anymore if DH and I get upset - that she tried to do the nobel thing and take care of SGKs, but that it's an unsustanable solution. That she earnestly tried, but that her brothers support her in her decision to no longer pursue permanent custody, that her father and I were going to have to support her as well.
That she will always be SGK's aunt, that she will always be our future children's sibling, she will always help with childcare on her days off, she will help fiancially, but she can't do this longterm. That she misses her sister, that BM1 was like a second mother to her after her own mother and brothers left for Russia, and that she hadn't processed their loss. That she wishes things were different, but that they aren't.
She told me I need to face the reality that I married a man who already had an intact family. I didn't realise to what extend BM1 and BM2 were close to eachother, but apparently close enough that they communally raised thier kids when both lived in the Untied States, and then even still when BM2 and SSs moved to Chechnya/Russia, BM1, BM2, SSs, SGKs, and SDs got together at least three times a year every year for vacation. That BM1 and BM2 were as close as best friends.
That she was so sorry, but that "deserves to be the young and beautiful bride" she always dreamed of being. That she was born to be a flight attendant, not a mother. That she loves me very much for the way I love her father, and she's so sorry this is hard on me, but it's been hard on her too. She told DH and I that she's too young to give up her dreams and is already talking to SGK's caseworker/social worker about handing over custody to another relative, preferably SS26 or DH. That she thought I was a bit selfish, that if I dreamed of being a mother so badly, why can't I at least try to be materal towards SGKs, she said she never expected me to raise them, but she doesn't understand why I can't at least try to help. I told her I didn't have an answer for her, but that I heard what she was saying, and that I cared for her too.
SD31 left with her boyfriend and DH left to go watch SGKs, and I'm home alone, processing everything. DH was pretty quiet most of dinner, to be frank, I believe DH is very very very torn over SD31 planning to build a life with someone without who is not Arab or Chechen or from a Muslim background. We spoke on the phone briefly and he feels he failed his child and he's hurt that she never told him she was seeing someone so seriously. Part of me thinks he either naively or ignorantly believed SD31 was asexual in the same way SD35 was.
DH also said his children, including the child we're haivng together, and SGKs need to be his number 1 priority moving forward, and that he promises he'll be there fur future little one, that he made the same promises to BM1 and BM2 - that he would always be there for their shared children and that he has to honor those promises. When he said that I got pretty angry, but I did understan what he was saying. I don't really know where that leaves he and I. He said he needs time to think.
SD31 wasn't cruel to me, she was as nice as one could be. I do feel bad for her, I want good things for her. I feel like the monster in this situation. I feel like I pressured DH to not take in SGKs and in turn irreversibly destroyed SD31's entire life. Idk how to feel, idk what to say. I always imagined being pregnant would be the most joyous time of my life, but instead I am miserable.