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SD31 changed mind about custody

NoIndieAunt's picture

BM2, SS26, and SS27 are now both able to visit, in the end of April.  SS26 will be bringing his wife and kids.  

SS26 has lined up job interviews, and from what DH says, may be coming to live in our area on at least a semi permanent basis, to either petition for custody of SGK's or support his sister in raising them. SS27 will be staying through the end of August, until his next university term starts. 

DH's sister and her two daughters are going to take over care giving responisbilities of DH's mother and father for the time being - apparently BM2 is VERY VERY close with DH's extended family aside from his parents despite wuarrels about religion.  I jave never met any of DH's extended family aside from SKs and several cousins.

SD31 revealed to DH that she had been seeing a young(er) man for over a year before SD33 and BM1's passing, that he was a mechanic for the same airline she use to work for, that she loved him and they were planning a life together but she didn't tell DH because she knew he would be angry based on this young man's nationality/religion.  SD31 revelaed she continues to see him about once a month, and that he's been pressuring her to either commit to him, or that she had to let him go. 

DH, SD31, SD31's surpriboyfriend met him for lunch this morning DH hired a babysitter, and SD31 invited me 'as moral support for her father.' 

He's 23, SD31 has been seeing him pretty consistently since he was 19.  By November of '19 they were so serious they started seriously taking marriage, all of that was put to rest by the death of SD35. 

Everything was extremely intense SD31 told DH to keep his mouth shut about politics, religion, and race.  SD31's boyfriend claim's raising SGKs is robbing SD31 of her spirit and all her dreams. SD31 says all she's ever dreamed of is being a wife and a flight attendant, that she almost certainly never wants children.  SD31's boyfriend told DH that he doesn't really care if DH never approves of him marrying SD31, or if DH hates Israel, or if DH just wants to retire.  He said that he knew DH was a good father to SD31, and that now he had to step up and be a good grandfather.

SD31 flat out told me she doesn't care anymore if DH and I get upset - that she tried to do the nobel thing and take care of SGKs, but that it's an unsustanable solution.  That she earnestly tried, but that her brothers support her in her decision to no longer pursue permanent custody, that her father and I were going to have to support her as well.

That she will always be SGK's aunt, that she will always be our future children's sibling, she will always help with childcare on her days off, she will help fiancially, but she can't do this longterm.  That she misses her sister, that BM1 was like a second mother to her after her own mother and brothers left for Russia, and that she hadn't processed their loss.  That she wishes things were different, but that they aren't. 

She told me I need to face the reality that I married a man who already had an intact family.  I didn't realise to what extend BM1 and BM2 were close to eachother, but apparently close enough that they communally raised thier kids when both lived in the Untied States, and then even still when BM2 and SSs moved to Chechnya/Russia, BM1, BM2, SSs, SGKs, and SDs got together at least three times a year every year for vacation. That BM1 and BM2 were as close as best friends.

That she was so sorry, but that "deserves to be the young and beautiful bride" she always dreamed of being.  That she was born to be a flight attendant, not a mother.  That she loves me very much for the way I love her father, and she's so sorry this is hard on me, but it's been hard on her too.  She told DH and I that she's too young to give up her dreams and is already talking to SGK's caseworker/social worker about handing over custody to another relative, preferably SS26 or DH.  That she thought I was a bit selfish, that if I dreamed of being a mother so badly, why can't I at least try to be materal towards SGKs, she said she never expected me to raise them, but she doesn't understand why I can't at least try to help.  I told her I didn't have an answer for her, but that I heard what she was saying, and that I cared for her too.

SD31 left with her boyfriend and DH left to go watch SGKs, and I'm home alone, processing everything.  DH was pretty quiet most of dinner, to be frank, I believe DH is very very very torn over SD31 planning to build a life with someone without who is not Arab or Chechen or from a Muslim background.  We spoke on the phone briefly and he feels he failed his child and he's hurt that she never told him she was seeing someone so seriously.  Part of me thinks he either naively or ignorantly believed SD31 was asexual in the same way SD35 was. 

DH also said his children, including the child we're haivng together, and SGKs need to be his number 1 priority moving forward, and that he promises he'll be there fur future little one, that he made the same promises to BM1 and BM2 - that he would always be there for their shared children and that he has to honor those promises.  When he said that I got pretty angry, but I did understan what he was saying.  I don't really know where that leaves he and I.  He said he needs time to think.

SD31 wasn't cruel to me, she was as nice as one could be.  I do feel bad for her, I want good things for her.  I feel like the monster in this situation.  I feel like I pressured DH to not take in SGKs and in turn irreversibly destroyed SD31's entire life.  Idk how to feel, idk what to say.  I always imagined being pregnant would be the most joyous time of my life, but instead I am miserable.



tog redux's picture

The SD who died was 38 in your first blog, and you put both 33 and 35 in this blog. 

bananaseedo's picture

I do not blame this girl ONE BIT-and to be honest, if your dh was helping her out more instead of throwing it all on her lap at once, you all may not be here.  I have a feeling this well end with your DH and his son raising the kids and you will be on your own with DH having some visitation.  That's my take. And yes, the ages all seem off.

As to her marriage to an Israeli-your DH needs to look at his own hypocrisy-wasn't he pretty much cast away from his family because of relligion changes/ideas?   So now he's what, going to do the same to her?


shamds's picture

You basically suck it up and put your life on hold for stepgrandkids.

yet as a non mum and not as mature as you and never having any intentions to have kids and be a career driven woman, thats a hypocritical thing to say to you!!

its not your job to raise these stepgrandkids or pump your finances into raising them. Yes this is a really shitty situation to be in, you can be a support person part of a collective family support group but its selfish for her to lay it on you to suck it up.

in life, you don't expect the elderly grandfather and stepgrandmother to be the main people responsible for orphaned grandkids when they have their deceased mothers siblings alive 

also sd31 being with her boyfriend who is 23 yrs old is so much more immature in age and mentality. They're at different stages of life but can't see it with those rose coloured glasses.


"SD31's boyfriend claim's raising SGKs is robbing SD31 of her spirit and all her dreams." And that your husband was a good dad and needs to step up and be a good gradfather?? 

what the hell hun?? This boyfriend still lacks the life experience to be lecturing much older people who have faced way more than him and he's trying to lecture you all to step up out of selfishness because he wants his girlfriend free of any kids because it takes away time from him. 

real spouses and supportive partners just support you through the good and bad, not tell you to ditch those kids to palm off to somebody else to deal with.

Livingoutloud's picture

Wait... DH hates Israel??? What does that even mean? So DH is indignant his grown DD is dating Jewish man because he hates Israel? He isn't even from the same area! He is Chechen. Why does he hate entire country??? Him not wanting to raise grandkids is the least of the problems. He shouldn't be judging who people date  

Wait... did he practice polygamy? Both wives raised families communally?? 

whsrs up with ages of SKs changing from just few days back 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this is ... yeah.  Chechens are predominantly Muslim but not Arabic and not fundamentalist Muslims who would hate Israelis like Middle Eastern Muslims might.

Too many inconsistencies for me.

ETA: OK, I did some research and it appears that Chechens do in fact not support Israel, so it's plausible that this guy could be against it.  But still - this all seems really over the top.

shamds's picture

His daughter is dating a jewish man because its part of muslim faith that muslim women cannot marry outside their faith because any kids wouldn't be raised muslim whilst a muslim man can marry a jewish or christian woman as long kids are raised muslim.

also the hating israel is because of all the abuse of palestinians and stealing their land and war and building on disputed territory. There are israeli muslims too which make up about 18% of israel's population so i think op dislike of sd31 bf is because he is jewish and because he comes to this mans home and tries to lecture him as an immature 19 yr old who doesn't want his gf caring for her niece/nephews. It's disrespectful 

 Then again the muslim faith also says the first born son takes responsibility for elderly parents but in this case the op husband isn't but his son is. 

I'm seeing a double standard here from op husband 

tog redux's picture

Yes, I know why Muslims hate Israel.

If he's such a strict Muslim, why has he been divorced twice and remarried 3 times? He allows his daughter to be a flight attendant and his other daughter to have 4 sperm donor children? Seems to me he's picking and choosing what he wants to believe in when it suits him.

shamds's picture

Upon for muslims but there are muslims who divorce multiple times. Sd38 I'm assuming was raised in the islamic faith or partially and grew up to not follow it knowing her dad mainly followed it and chose to use sperm donors for all her kids knowing this goes against her father's religion and its a messed up situation made even more difficult.

there are plenty of muslim flight attendants but muslims who follow the faith don't pursue that career because of the serving of alcohol to passengers most groups of muslims believe it to not be permissible and its better to follow a different career where you aren't exposed to it.

if he were a strict muslim he would have disowned sd38 when she chose a sperm donor. 

tog redux's picture

Seems like it's mostly anti-Semitism that makes him dislike the new BF, not his beliefs about marrying outside theMuslim faith.

Livingoutloud's picture

OP said her DH stopped following his religion and that's why his parents disowned him. She said he doesn't practice Islam. Now all of a sudden he is devote Muslim. Something isn't adding up here 

notarelative's picture

The family is going to have to figure this out soon. Children need stability. The children lived with you and DH for a month, and then with SD31, and now SSs are coming to visit and care. I am not sure where you are located, but if it is in the US, a court may be reluctant to assign guardianship to someone who does not plan to live in the US until the youngest child is of age. A guardian, in my state, needs court approval to move a child out of the country.

Livingoutloud's picture

Yes. You can't be just moving kids all over the world without legal rights and courts approval. I just don't see how someone can just take these kids, US citizens, and move them to Chechnya. And no court order. Please