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DH putting his money where his mouth is :)

tigerlily74's picture

Yesterday, I posted about how DH wrote to his kids (SS34 & wife, SD31 & husband, and SS28) to say that if they continue to exclude me from their one-on-one time with him or from family gatherings, then he wouldn't be able to spend as much time with him coz I'm an integral part of his life. (Read here: https://www.steptalk.org/node/243633)

Some of you questioned his intentions and said he would just junk the letter once our anniversary celebration was over (it was our third anniversary yesterday).

But I'm glad to report that he sent the email off before our dinner date last night. It's an email because both sons live in another country and DH doesn't have a chance to address all of them in person. I've also witnessed how his bilateral talks with them as individuals tend to be ignored. So emailing all three kids (plus two spouses) will be a little less easy to dismiss since all five of them would be witnesses to the memo.

This morning, DH put his money where his mouth is.

DH: So it's SD31's baby daughter's birthday next week.
Me: Oh. Her second birthday.
DH: Yes. They're having a party.
Me: How nice.
DH: I'm not going.
Me: How come?
DH: I asked if you're invited, and SD31 said you're not.
Me: Surprise, surprise.
DH: So I'm not going.
Me: But you're the granddad. Aren't you expected to be there?
DH: Well, I told them if you're not invited to gatherings, that I won't be there either.

Take THAT, SD. I'm pleased as punch. }:)

tigerlily74's picture

@Rags: Poor man. I know he wants to be there. But no way is he going to be at a family gathering with his Ex-Wife present and me in exile. Not happening!

SacrificialLamb's picture

SD is making a self-righteous stand to her father, even though he just sent her an email saying he doesn't appreciate you not being invited. Here is where SD will really ramp up punishing her father, because he chose you over her in her mind.

The drama will never end. Expect to get digs thrown your way in other manners. They made a comment about your FB "power play" because that is how they operate....using FB as a tool for snubbing others. Make sure you have them blocked 100%. I think it has driven my OSD crazy that I am completely out of her life, she can't see my social media, and she has no tools available to snub or insult me. And the skid behavior ends up getting stranger, almost desperately grasping for something they can latch onto to hurt you.

tigerlily74's picture

@SacrificialLamb: Actually, I think he knew about this party when he sent out the email. It sounded as if he got the invitation yesterday when he clarified whether I was included or not. He only brought it up this morning because I suspect he didn't want to spoil our dinner date last night!

Meanwhile, SD is self-righteous ALL THE TIME. She preaches in emails to DH, quoting verses and biblical examples. Just before my wedding, she sent me a seven-page document outlining why if I married DH, I would forever be living a life in sin, etc etc. *eyeroll*

Facebook: Oh, I am NOT their FB friend. There'd be way too much "ammunition" on there for them to attack me. Look at how she drinks so much. Look at how she used to party with her friends. Look how she had previous boyfriends. I am not ashamed of who I am and the life I led before meeting DH and don't feel the need to delete everything and sanitise my Facebook in order to befriend my skids. It's just much easier to NOT give them access to it all!

The only thing they see is photos of DH and me when I tag him. I think it drove SD insane because, shortly after our wedding, SD deleted her entire Facebook account. And this was after she posted several family photos of them when they were babies, saying "how cute were we?", "happy times with family" etc, making sure she tagged both DH and the Ex-Wife. Power play much? Then our wedding happened and she wiped her account. I thought it was hilarious. }:)

SacrificialLamb's picture

"She preaches in emails to DH, quoting verses and biblical examples."

Apparently she missed the part about loving your neighbor as yourself.

The baby pictures posted on FB while she was in the Original Family were definitely a power play. My OSD a few months ago posted pics of BM with DH's family. Wants to make sure that her dad does not forget his First Family. She does not want to share him with another woman. By punishing him, she thinks he will wake up one day and realize what he is missing, as if your DH is sitting around 24 hours a day wondering what she is doing, waiting for an invitation to be with her. These skids don't think their fathers should have their own lives. Unfortunately, your SD has her own version of religion that she thinks backs up that belief.

sandye21's picture

The Skids are going to turn up their rejection of DH. It looks like SD has already started. Not really smart on her part because she is showing her true self to DH. But let him handle it. Give him love and support but don't discuss them with him and if he brings them up, change the subject. That way he doesn't feel the need to defend them.

tigerlily74's picture

@sandye21: Yup, not smart on her part at all. She's sidelining herself in Daddy Dearest's life - through no fault of mine. DH has repeatedly acknowledged that SS34 and SD31 are stubborn, prejudiced and a disappointment to him. "I thought I brought them up better," is something he has said a few times now.

In fact, this morning we were talking about celebrating Chinese New Year next week...

Me: Oh, my company is giving us an extra day off.
DH: Wow, so it's a super long weekend for you. Why don't we go away?
Me: What??? During Chinese New Year?
DH: I know, I know, it's family time.
Me: You know my parents would be so disappointed if we weren't around for CNY.
DH: You're such a good daughter. I love that about you.

And then we exchanged a look, and the unspoken comment was: Unlike your daughter... LOL

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's so sexy when your man stands up for you, isn't it?

I'm fortunate that my man (fiiinally) stood up for me as well. In fact, he was the one who chose to disengage from YSD over a decade ago, while I was still trying to parent her. And when I stepped back from OSD in 2011, he soon followed. He didn't support me at first because he didn't want to believe how awful OSD truly is, but without me to take the brunt of the abuse and do all the emotional labor, he quickly got fed up with her.

I'm under no illusion about why this occurred. While DH loves me deeply, he also is an apathetic non-parent who highly values his own comfort. His entire family is high drama. So while his official stance is one of defending me, he's also choosing the path of least resistance.

I think a lot of our DHs overestimate the amount of leverage they have with their kids, especially when those kids are adults who've had their own way for decades. They may escalate. They may decide having Dad around isn't important. They may even acquiesce and start including you, which means you'll be expected to eagerly spend time with people who hate you and the bad guy if you don't.

One thing is certain - the game is afoot, and with it, comes change. If I were you, I'd make sure my home was a happy one. Plenty of sex, support, and attention for your H while you think about what you'll do when the skids up the ante.

tigerlily74's picture

@Exjuliemccoy: "Plenty of sex, support, and attention for your H while you think about what you'll do when the skids up the ante.

HAAHHAHAHA, advice well and duly noted }:)

Yes, I agree with you that DH's overestimate their leverage with their adult kids. I'm sorry your DH is apathetic. Mine is very non-confrontational as well. The skids know this and walk all over him. Ah well, as long as he stands up for me and shows me that he's firmly on my "side", I'm pretty satisfied for now.

Let's see if the skids start inviting me to things. IF they do, I'll probably attend a few as and when I'm free. I certainly won't go out of my way to accommodate them. That's giving them wayyy too much priority. Ha.

tigerlily74's picture

@Ispofacto: Well, I like to make sure I'm above all criticism, so when it comes to his family, I buy small presents for everyone's birthday as well at Christmas.

But I did make sure of this:

Me: I hope you remember that you said you would run any present ideas by me, in case you are thinking of giving your grand-daughter a gift.
DH: Will you help me pick one out?

Yes. Yes, I will. There will be no lavish gifting behind my back!

Acratopotes's picture

Oh I hope he keeps this up...... and yes I hope you reward him as long as he does this lol....

hereiam's picture

So, SD31 is testing him already! It might take awhile for them to see that he's serious, since he let them get away with their shenanigans for this long.

Can your DH be just as stubborn as they are? Is he going to be okay not seeing the grand kids (as well as his kids), for as long as this plays out? It could be a long time.

If they do see the light, and include you, there is going to be some deep resentment and some uncomfortable get togethers, as they try to show you that they are still in control. Just hold your head high and continue to be the classy one.

tigerlily74's picture

@hereiam: Yup he definitely can be as stubborn as his kids. He doesn’t see SS31, his wife and two granddaughters coz he’s in another country. Same with SS28.

Only SD31 lives in the same country. DH does take time off work on a weekend to visit them when I’m busy with work which I’m fine with. It’s during family events that’s he’s expected to be at that he doesn’t go to because I’m not welcome. It’s these family events that he misses due to my being exiled from them. SD only has herself up blame for DH not being there!

Yup, stay classy is my mantra!