So that's why they blame DH for the divorce
SS34 responded to DH's email to his three kids (and their spouses) that lay down boundaries and clarified that if I wasn't included in family gatherings they organised he too wouldn't attend. SS34's latest reply essentially wipes out all the improvements of the last four years, and now we're back to square one where SS34 is attacking us again.
Reading and re-reading SS34's email, something finally dawned on me last night.
It has always puzzled me why SS34 and SD32 blamed DH for the divorce. After all, it was BM who froze DH out for the last 10 years of their marriage, it was the children found out that she had two affairs during those 10 years, and it was BM who eventually forced the divorce on him. As a religious leader, being divorced was something DH fought hard against and was eventually something that shamed him publicly. Why did the kids not lay the blame squarely at BM's feet? I didn't get it.
Then in this last email from SS34, it was finally clear.
"One of the most damaging things you did to your relationship with mom was that you didn't fight for her. You sat back and waited for her to change."
Wait a minute. DH didn't agree to several separation agreements, he didn't agree to the divorce, he tried to get mediators and counsellors to talk her out of it, he pleaded with her and spent hours outside the bedroom door weeping on his knees... yet DH "didn't fight for her"??? Mind you, they were all living under one roof at the time, so the kids would have been witness to BM's silence and hardheartedness. They found out about her affairs, for crying out loud.
How else did they expect DH to fight for her? What was he to do other than wait for her to change? Force her to return to him?
Is this irrationality a trait of adult children of divorce? I keep telling myself that I cannot put myself in their shoes because I have never gone through the break-up of my family. But surely this blaming of DH is misplaced.
Sorry I've been spamming this forum in the last three days. It's the only outlet I have and the advice/comments are really a revelation and huge help!