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Well we talked… right before leaving for a weekend trip

Cricket74's picture

I decided to not just give up on marriage and have a talk about how I felt used, unappreciated and unloved. I spoke about how we should be a team and if things are not concidered my responsibility (from his stand point) then why do I need to ask for help and thank him (or SKids) for helping do it. I was told that I am too demanding in how I want things done so they stopped helping. From my viewpoint, I just want things done right, light cleaning the entire toilet and not just inside when telling me the bathroom is cleaned.  
He continually brought up examples from years ago when I asked him for examples of how I mistreated him or disrespected him. I reminded him we talked since then and wanted recent examples. He had a hard time pin pointing them (because I knew I changed) I said that I will keep comments to myself going forward because he said I "poo poo" on him when he does try to help. He got mad that I said I won't comment. Um, just provided you with a solution, so why are you mad about it? 
He said he wanted to talk to me but not before I left for my weekend trip. I reminded him I have been home 4 of the last 6 days, at any point he could've said something, but it was up to me to start this conversation. I am now just tired of talking about it I asked him to be more romatic and treat me like a woman. His comment was that he tried to say nice things and be physical it I reject him. I then explained that I am not a switch, and saying something nice or slapping my add just doesn't instantly put me in the "mood" and make everything instantly better. 
I feel that with everything I said, he didn't want to take any blame and continually asked me to meet him half way on this stuff. But what's half way? He couldn't answer. He wants me to change, but doesn't look inward for his own change. He said he wanted me to be the woman I was when we were dating. I explained that woman was childless, had her own home, took vacations, and spent time socializing with friends and going out. That woman didn't have the responsibility of taking care of 3 other humans and what they do around our home, making them meals, and managing all the finances. He apologized for ruining my life. Ugh! He asked, I answered, and he immediately went there.  
I am so lost for words now, and so tired of talking in circles. My girls weekend has been sidetracked by him wanting to "talk" because he is having a rough time with all of this. I needed this time away and feel he is sabotaging it 

as always. Thanks for the forum to vent in freely. 


Survivingstephell's picture

He's a cake eater.  He can't have everything he wants and if he doesn't like what you bring, he can start looking elsewhere is what I'd tell him.  My DH and I had similar conversations.  I think he thought I would come in and take the place if BM and make the skids better.  As if I could.  I had my own to raise and HCBM wasn't having it.  

He did ruin your life and it's good he acknowledged it.  It can be fixed and you going away with your friends is a good start.  He has to parent his kids, period.  You have none and anything you do should be your choice and on your terms. You are his partner, not a replacement parent for him.

 I'd also make sure he understands the difference between priorities and responsibilities.  The skids are HIS responsibility,   his relationship with you should be a priority.  

ndc's picture

Well, it certainly sounds like he's not going to change. Please consider that it's a far bigger failure to remain in a situation where you are used, unappreciated and discontent than it is to leave a marriage that is not right for you. You say you don't want another failed marriage - from my perspective this one has already failed, and how you deal with that will determine the level of happiness and contentment in your life going forward. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

But have a concrete plan to get yourself back to happier place.  Life is too short to waste on being miserable.

Winterglow's picture

"I explained that woman was childless, had her own home, took vacations, and spent time socializing with friends and going out"

PREACH! You had a normal, decent life and you'd like that back. And you are within your rights to expect that.

So he wants to keep on:

  • using your resources,
  • racking up debt,
  • expecting you to work a second job to clear up his financial mess, 
  • letting his kids run feral and treat your home like a pigsty,
  • thinking you are too harsh when all you want is common decency,
  • etc.

Does the 20yo work, go to school, or just sit around all day?

Enjoy that weekend with the girls!

Cricket74's picture

20yr old works a FT job & is in college (for now), but doesn't make enough to move out. She works PT with me at my PT job as she pays for everything she needs except rent and some food.

SteppedOut's picture

He is not going to change. At all. 

Seriously, get out before you are married so long you lose your 401k, savings, etc. 

Start talking to lawyers NOW. Plan. There will be some financial loss but you need to get out NOW to mitigate that loss. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Over the years, i have taken multiple forms of abuse caused by my step dynamics. Like you, i tried to be an equal financial partner....This logic is flawed and will send you to the poorhouse. I realised this in Summer of 2021. While my husband and his children are living their lives and the BMs are collecting the support, TANF, etc....I am here struggling to make it then I realized that I contribute wayyyy more than I should as a person without kids and without debt


I drew the line at financial abuse. I had a sit down in Nov 2021 and explained that I will no longer contribute to the home financially and my income will be kept only for my personal expenses and bills related to my own use. This was not an option, it was an obligation. We have not looked back ever since. 

I have a lazy abusive 21yo SS who recently moved back in and will probably never be able to be independent. I clean up after him, wash clothes and accept that he sits on the couch all day listening to his stupid music. I believe that I deserve to keep my money that I work hard for and my husband should provide most of the lifestyle since he brought in most of the financial burdens and no one contributes physically or emotionally so the least they can do is pay

Cover1W's picture

Ah yes, the classic "responsibility without authority" issue - my favorite!  I had many similar convos with my DH. Most of them earlier on started out like yours did, although DH actually listened and there was some back and forth. Usually it was about how "authortarian" and "rigid" I was. I held firm about how clean the house should be (I relented some, but not too far, I don't like a messy house and filthy is not tolerated at all). Talked about how he cannot "assume" I do certain things without some say in the planning or the outcome (like driving SDs around or making meals). I stayed because DH started to get it and I disengaged and we kept, and still do, finances separte.

Enjoy your weekend!  If you H doesn't eventually come around, and continues to expect 100% from you and nothing from himself, then again you've got more thinking about the relationship as a whole. Because you are not the mother, period.

Kaylee's picture

This guy is a total user and narcissist.

There's nothing attractive about him whatsoever.

What on earth are you sticking around for? Honestly, you're still a young woman with your life ahead of you. Don't stay chained to this mess!

CLove's picture

Thats what we are here for!!!

Im assuming you are not looking for advice at this time, just a few shoulders to lean on.

Have fun on your vacation!!!

Cricket74's picture

Always open to advice! Just good to know that I am not crazy thinking the way I think sometimes!