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So glad I joined this site! Here is my story…

Cricket74's picture

I am a childless woman in my forties and knew my DH since high school but we have only been married 3 years. He has primary custody of kids, SD15 & SD20 live with us 90%of the year. BM walked out when SD was 5ths old to be with another man. MIL helped raised SKids, but also spoils them. 

During pandemic I sold my house & moved in with him & SKids. I thought the house looked how it did due to his low salary (come to know now he is just lazy) we moved into new home a week after wedding (which we afford because of my salary - I make 3x what he does) and that's when it went to crap.

I bought everything we needed for new home, furniture, SKids bedroom furniture, lawnmower, etc. Somewhere along the way I became the primary provider for paying most of the bills, while he racked up debt and just assumed I would pay (we have a joint account for household bills that we both contribute to based on the percentage we bring into the marriage. We both have personal accounts for whatever). The issue is my personal account is used to cover the increase in prices, debt he occurred and provide for SD15 extra curricular activities. When asking for him to contribute more, he said he can't (his personal account is used to buy cigarettes and ps5 games) 

SKids get whatever they ask for from MIL and BM without having to lift a finger. No chores, nothing. Just get what they want. Not how I was raised at all! I tried to instil some house rules, DH doesn't enforce them, and he ignored most too. 

I have decided recently, as I now work a PT job to help supplement our income, that I want our debt paid off in 3 years and I am no longer a human ATM for this family, and no longer want to be the maid and personal chef.. I also have been very direct with SKids that they are lazy, ungrateful, and are not contributing members of society or this household (as I spend my free time picking up and cleang up after all three of them). Anything that I purchase, they assume they can use since it's in the house, and they have broken things of mine a and shrug it off. It's exhausting and not what I signed up for. 

my DH and I have exhausted speaking of the topics regarding money, disapline of SKids, or what an adult should just do if their DW works 2 jobs. So I am the b*tch and everything is my fault (so I hear). I still pay the bills, and for SKids activities, but nothing else.  My thought is, they have a BM and BD, they can fend for them financially.  

thank you for letting vent on this blog! I am sure some might think I am petty, and don't get me wrong, I love my SKids, but I don't have to like them and look forward to the day when they move out! 



Rose_Pedal's picture

Welcome to the group! I'm a newer member and have gained so much already these past few months.

Many of us have come here out of desperation, frustration and a feeling of helplessness. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

This sounds very hard and I couldn't imagine. This is NOT petty at all and you are dealing with a LOT.

I certainly would not put up with this behavior in the least bit. Even if one does not have financial means to have a glamorous home that doesn't mean it needs to be in poor gross condition, it's all about effort, not perfection; sounds like he isn't showing any.

Hold him accountable and fight like hell to stand by your convictions with the changes you are making.

Good for you for putting your foot down!


Cover1W's picture

You really need to decide if you want to stay in that relationship, just eliminating skids from the equation may not be enough. Think about yourself.  And think about potential spousal support the longer you stay.

Cricket74's picture

I have been thinking if this is where I want to be. This is my 2nd marriage. First didn't last long (10ths) as I was treated as property and not permitted to socialize as a married woman. I question my ability to pick a partner! LOL!

I have been thinking if we divorce what my options may be, and honestly if we sell this house, use pay out to pay off debt, I walk away pretty clean, and he has no where to go but to his parents or into an apartment.

spousal support for me or him? 

ESMOD's picture

Here are my thoughts on what will happen if you divorce.  You were married at this point.. only 3 years.. and he wasn't "underemployed" or unemployed as a result of YOUR joint decision for mutual benefit.. like.. you both decided he be a stay at home parent to care for your JOINT children (which I know is not the case obv)..

So, the question of Child Support is off the table.. no joint children

The question of Spousal support.. will also be off the table I'm guessing.. short time of marriage.. no marital reason for the disparity.. no joint kids etc..   neither of you should be entitled..

The question of the home you purchased.. and have mostly afforded based on YOUR income.  There is a chance that he will be entitled to some share of the appreciation in the home that has occured since it was purchased. (your local legal will ultimately dictate this.. and you DO need to consult a lawyer.. I'm just guessing what might logically be the case for most places)

He may also be entitled to some payout for money/appreciation in any pension/401K retirement savings of yours during your marriage (you would also be entitled to a share of his.. but the balance likely falls in his favor).

DEBTS.. this is a toss up.. were debts put on joint liability cards?  it may be you both take a share of these debts. whether you incurred them for your benefit or his and his kids.. and it may not end up seeming fair in your situation.. but it may be a bitter pill to swallow to move on with your life.

Again.. I would get myself to a lawyer immediately to get a read on what you will be likely to have to assume.

The home could be sold... and proceeds used to pay out any obligation to him.. you go your separate ways.

Ultimately it really feels like you did a poor pick again in a partner.. you actually have not married a man.. you adopted a dependent and his "siblings"  and.. I can totally get it.. I make a really good living.. and often.. I picked guys that were not my equal financially.. because "I'm not a shallow gold digger.. I can pay my OWN way.. and I am ms independent.. and can find a man for HIM.. not what he HAS".. but.. often someone's financial place in life is a reflection of the kind of person they are.. and often the traits that attract us are the ones that are the worst in the long run as a partner. (ask my how I know).

I finally gave up on picking.. and I was set up by my friend's parents.. and 20 years later.. here we

It's obvious.. you don't really respect him.. he is not a good parent OR partner... and that won't go away when his kids are out of the house (if they ever are). you are his and their proverbial golden goose.. and they are using you to get things they have not earned.. and aren't even being all that nice about it.  

You can and should do better.. and there are worse things than being alone.. I would cut my losses before you stay so long you owe him some huge payout.. right now at 3 years.. it's only so much.. married for 10 or 20?  it will be significant.


Yesterdays's picture

I think that you would walk away clean. In fact cleaner than if you were to stay with him and keep contributing... No child support. Likely very little spousal support due to the short duration. Spousal is a gray area. Even with paying a bit of spousal you'd still be better off financially. And better off from an emotional and mental standpoint. I think that this relationship is a damaging and un healthy one to remain in. You are being taken to the cleaners and taken advantage of. Get strong and lawyer up. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

So you are essentially supporting 2 other adults and a child who is not yours, and you think you are petty for complaining? You are far from petty. First, I would suggest you try some therapy to see if you can begin to understand why you think you deserve to be treated so poorly by your DH. Second, you need to stop paying for anyone or anything in the household that is not yours. Third, stop cooking and cleaning for anyone but yourself. If you do the second two things, you will quickly find out if your DH is with you because he loves you and wants a partner - or if he is there for your money and your household labor.

I am having a hard time understanding why you are working two jobs  when it sounds like your DH is barely working one. Does the 20 year old work? If so, they need to start contributing to the household finances. If not, they need to move out.

Am I also to understand that your DH called you a b*tch because you complained about the situation? If so, he is way out of line.

Cricket74's picture

I stopped doing a lot and it took over a month for someone else to do something. House was so gross. I couldn't take it!

I know I don't deserve this, which is why I am struggling as I really don't want another failed marriage. He says he loves me, but have challenged him to answer how he feels he shows me that? Saying and doing are not the same.

I had to file bankruptcy with my first divorce and refuse to do that again so I do what is needed to pay bills and go on a vacation (because I deserve that). I also get free food with part time job which means there are nights I don't cook and they are on their own. 
SD20 does work and is in college. Out of all of them, she is the best. She also works with me at my PT job so she can have extra $ as she is learning things are expensive (she pays for her car, car insurance and I make her pay me for her portion of the cell phone bill) when she is done school she will pay rent as well. She has come around past few months realizing how much I do for them. 

He brings up about me being in a b*tchy mood. Which I would respond with how much I do and they don't. Then he gets defensive and reminds me of the few time he did do laundry, or cooked (reheated frozen pizza). He is more angry that our sexlife is non- existentant, but he doesn't connect the dots as to why. I have talked about it and talked about it. I am exhausted of talking about it. 

Winterglow's picture

If he cannot connect the dots,do it for him. Be blunt about it. Tell him that you are not attracted to a man for whom you have no respect.


Yesterdays's picture

He sounds extremely lazy, entitled and rude. You are carrying it all with no appreciation, which is no way to live or love. You deserve far better than that treatment. You have worth and value and deserve for that to be recognized 

Winterglow's picture

Start by separating finances. Go talk to a Pitbull lawyer ASAP! If not, you will be buried in debt that you cannot get out of because it sounds as if your husband has no qualms about spending more than he has. You've already given and done more than any of them deserves.

REMINDER - his kids are HIS financial responsibility, not yours. HE should be working the extra job, not you. He should be worshipping the very ground you walk on for what you're doing.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Listen to Winterglow.

The situation you are in sound intolerable.  You've gone from being a solvent single woman to being an ATM for 3 other people including 2 adults.  I couldn't bear it.

SteppedOut's picture

Talk to to an attorney today, actually, probably three/four TODAY or as soon as possible. 

Get rid of this joke of a man sooner rather than later - they longer you are married, the more it will cost you.


Winterglow's picture

Please take a look at Reedle2021's posts - you'll find a lot of similarities. She walked away from her leech and his useless spawn last year and has gotten her life back. I'm pretty sure she'd advise you leave sooner rather than later.

thinkthrice's picture

The odds that his ferals will move out, become self supporting and drama free once they attain a certain age is ZERO.  They will continue in the entitled lifestyle that they have become accustomed to since toddlerhood.

Separate finances and start planning your exit plan.  Don't worry about number of divorces.  I was divorced twice by the age of 36.

Survivingstephell's picture

The sooner you make your decision, the less he gets.  3 years right now is a cheap divorce.  Stretch that out to 5, 7,10 years and you will have to give him more. Does he even deserve to benefit from your hard work?   Sounds like there is very little love, so it's a financial decision at this point.  Lawyer up.  Get your ducks in a row, document His lack of financial participation.    

thinkthrice's picture

And start consulting with a number of divorce attorneys in your area...STAT!

la_dulce_vida's picture

GIRL, if you think this might be headed for divorce, talk to a lawyer NOW. You may be on the hook for spousal support with your earnings being 3x what his are.

My second marriage was to a covert narcissist spender who earned the same as me, but spent his paycheck wildly trying to buy the love of his children and the admiration of others.

I still owned the house I raised my kids in (24 years) when we married. We had bought a house together, but had an agreement that I would not pay anything towards that mortgage until I sold my house (and didn't have a mortgage of my own) and moved into OUR house.

He was already coming up with ideas about how WE were going to invest the profits from the sale of MY house into OUR house. I knew too well that doing so would be co-mingling assets and I would be giving him HALF of whatever I co-mingled.

I saw the writing on the wall and got him to sign a POST nuptial agreement where he released any claims on the profits from the sale of my house - a pre-marital asset. I also had the post nuptial written so that he waived any claim to spousal support/alimony or retirement benefits. In return, I waived my right to the same.

What was his motivation to sign? I refused to sell my house until he signed it and that meant I didn't have to pay 1/2 the housing expenses in OUR house. He really wanted me to start paying 1/2 the bills at OUR house (where his 4 sons lived off an on at their whim).

He was PISSED, but wanted the extra funds so badly, he signed it. It made our divorce go very smoothly!!

Can you motivate him somehow to sign off on a post nuptial to protect you from having to pay spousal support or share retirement benefits?

Yesterdays's picture

This is great advice. I'd definitely see a lawyer to see what your rights are and how to best protect your financial assets. I would get a good one, the price will be worth it,. They can recognize/spot things you wouldn't and will find the best financial protection and best advice for you in your situation. Verse yourself in law and protect your rights. 

Cricket74's picture

The thought of a post nuptial agreement might be the way to go. I am not sure I am at the point of walking away quite yet.  I have a lot in retirement and after paying off debt will have a lot in savings.  That would definitely help protect all my finanaces. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Not sure where you live, but make sure HE gets an independent attorney to review any post nuptial you give him. Otherwise, it could be tossed out. I'd even consider offering him a sum of money to sign a quit claim deed on the house making it 100% yours.

In your case, I'd offer a post nuptial that covers the following:

  • Find out if your state considers any debt marital debt. In my state, if the credit card is in your name, the debt is solely yours even if you're married. This was apparent in my divorce from my first husband. Any debt in my name alone was MY debt. If your state is like mine, then move to any jointly held consumer debt. If you have joint credit cards, get rid of them. If the debt is mostly his, you might consider offering to pay off the credit card (as an inducement to sign the post nuptial) and close it - have him get his own credit card.
  • In exchange for a sum of money (like paying off a debt he has), ask him to sign a post-nuptial agreement waiving ANY rights to your retirement accounts any pre-marital assets you have and spousal support/alimony.
  • You could offer to buy him out of the house and getting him to sign a quit claim deed. Not sure if the mortgage is in both your names, but you might need to refinance if it is.
  • People who are terrible with money and can't spend it fast enough will get very excited about a windfall of cash. If you pick the right number, he's likely to sign anything you ask him to sign.
  • If this man balks at ANY of this, please consider divorcing him sooner rather than later. The longer you stay without an agreement, the more it's going to cost you.

My 2nd marriage caused me to lose about $15,000. $10K was from improvements I made to OUR house. $5K was paying off 1/2 of his home equity line of credit when our house sold. The proceeds check was split into 2 checks, but the 10K in home equity loan was taken out first. He was supposed to repay me the $5K but never did.

I consider escaping that marriage a DEAL @ $15K.

simifan's picture

It sounds like you get nothing back in this relationship. Don't cling to a mistake because you've spent a lot of time making it. 

ndc's picture

You and your DH sound fundamentally incompatible and it certainly appears that he is using you.  I would get out before he ruins you financially,  and certainly before you've been married long enough that you'd need to pay him spousal support.  The problem here is not the skids,  it is your husband.  Skids are merely a symptom of his laziness and irresponsibility.