Money!
Hi
We're about to separate finances. Basically, I earn 2000 a month. He earns 1000. Plus my ex gives me 500. SO gives BM 550 a month. Plus he spends 100 a month on gas and food to see skids EOWE. I have 4 kids.
In terms of household costs, should he pay 25% of rent, bills and food?
I hard doing this but while 65% of his salary goes to skids and time with skids, I can't keep subsidising his generosity. The only way for him to MAYBE see that leaving yourself with 350 a month is NOT a good plan is to close my purse and make sure my VERY hard-earned salary is spent on MY kids.
Would people do 20%? I don't think it's fair to divide costs by "head" because my kids don't eat half as much as he does and they don't have a salary.
How do people work out what's fair? For me, we're supposed to be a couple and everything should be shared but he is always in my case when I spend money in my kids so I have to do something or the resentment is going to make me explode.
Help!
He should pay 33% of the
He should pay 33% of the shared household expenses. Rent, utilities, insurance on house/furnishings etc. You each pay your own car expenses. Food can be negotiated according to how much the kids eat. Teenage boys can eat like a elephant for instance while a 6 you can barely eat one sandwich.
Anything left is yours/his. Don't let him give you this "we're in this together" you're not. That's why its called "step", you're one step removed. He would have these same problems if he were not divorced. Remind him of that and that unless he's a gold digger he wouldn't be even asking for a subsidy from you.
It's ok for him to use the
It's ok for him to use the "we're in this together" line. It means he's in it too. So he's gotta contribute. Are you subsidising him to the point where it'd be cheaper if you left him and supported only youself and your own kids? We're in this together does not mean you do ALL of the heavy lifting. Split everything right down the middle until he pulls his head out. If you left him he'd have no way of giving BM that much money unless he was living out of a cardboard box in an alleyway. So tell him to renegotiate with BM from the comfort of his own house, or do it in a cardboard box. Either way it's gotta be done.
Thank you Orange County, it's
Thank you Orange County, it's helpful to get other views on this. I don't think he can even afford 33%! But, maybe that will force him to reevaluate his priorities and see that if you can't afford to be so generous towards your ex-wife, you need to go back and recalculate the arrangement you made when you were earning 500 a month more! We'll see. Thanks again for the advice.
Why is he paying more than
Why is he paying more than 50% of his income to CS? That's a lot. My ex maxed out my credit card, and stuck me with a mortgage, let me sit on maternity leave 6 months with no income, an infant and toddler and no help...the judge took every last penny he could possibly take, and it still didn't add up to 50% of his take home.
I know teenagers and college
I know teenagers and college students who earn more than $1000 a month. This guy needs to get a second job.
Hello all Thanks for your
Hello all
Thanks for your advice and comments. In SO's defense, we live in Europe so the salary works out to around 1400 US Dollars. Still not a lot but more than 1000. Doesn't take away from the fact that his contribution to BM is more than half his salary.
HRNYC, the amount IS court-ordered but it was done amicably without lawyers involved and the amount was fixed when he earned more a few years ago (and she wasn't working…now she's working). The problem is that he refuses to give her any less. Every time I even mention money it turns into a big fight. Which is why I'm separating finances.
I also have a hard time not allowing something for personal expenses. But….25% of our rent, bills and food comes to more than he has left after spending 100 a month on gas and food with skids. That's not even pushing for 33%, as OrangeCounty recommended.
He just agreed to have skids for an extra to days this month (we were having them for a week). We already had them for 9 days and it was too long and I asked him not to offer again to have the extra weekend (her weekend) because he is working now and they are with me nine hours a day (I already have four). When he went to pick them up she got angry and "abracadabra", we now have them for nine days. Let me make it clear that I BEGGED for him not to agree to nine days again. It was just too stressful. But because I just begged and she got angry, she wins. And of course if I bring up the fact that having his kids for an extra 18 days actually costs us money (I haven't dared) I'm the wicked witch of the west!
I have family coming to stay and they are arriving the day he was supposed to be dropping off skids back with BM. Now he's going to agree to have them and stay at his parents' house, I just know it. Just for once I wanted my family to arrive and see us as a united front, not him pandering to fucking BM. Now they have to arrive and find me on my own. And he wonders why they judge him!
Since he REFUSES to give her
Since he REFUSES to give her less, put his ass out. He can afford to make such a stupid decision because he knows you won't force his butt to do what is right.
Your family SHOULD judge him. He's using you. Why do you want to present a united front with a man who is taking advantage of you?
He isn't even making minimum
He isn't even making minimum wage and it doesn't seem like he will ever improve himself if not forced to. How sad. Force him if that's what it takes.
I had a similar situation
I had a similar situation with SO paying SM £400 a month for 2 kids that he has for a third of the month, and this was also an out of court agreement. As time when on this became unsustainable and we were at the point of moving in so I was not happy about this arrangement. He then looked on the CSA website and calculated what he SHOULD be paying and it was nearly half! He spoke to BM who did actually accept this, to both our surprise, but I think she realised she had been getting far more than she was entitled to for about 8 years. He is probably scared that BM will reduce his access, but I'm sure she relishes her time without the skids too so it shouldn't come to that. Our finances are split for your same reasons. I earn more than him and I own my house. However, I won't pay for anything for the skids, that's up to him. It's a difficult one for you to work out as you also receive help from your ex, and I don't have kids myself to pay for. 25% is a reasonable expectation, but as others have said it does depend on the age of your kids too.
I am not big on splitting
I am not big on splitting finances. However, in a situation where a spouse can't engage their brain enough to control how much they subsidize their X. If he is spending one penny more than CS he needs to feel the pain of his idiocy so go ahead and split the finances.
He is half of an equity life partnership. He pays half of the cost of housing, utilities, etc... You pay your half of those items and to feed and clothe your kids.
A couple has to have a place to live and pay for utilities. He can pay half of those items as well as half of cable, internet, etc....
Covering food and clothing for your kids gives you the high ground by not forcing him to support your kids. You of course do not contribute one cent to his CS obligation on his kids.
I forecast that he learns and that learns quickly.