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Today in the trash BM chronicles

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Its been a little bit since I've updated y'all on our situation. There has been a lot going on. 

After telling BM and grandhag to no longer contact me (because every time they do, they don't like my response and just argue. Also very rude, condescending and grandhag just talks to me like she thinks Im stupid.) there has been one time that BM has tried to ask me something, it was while she was on the phone with SD and I redirected her to my DH, refused to even speak to her. Sorry, not sorry, if your going to throw a fit and try to sick your mom on me over the responses you get from me, you don't get to ask me shit. meanwhile most of the time when grandhag contacts DH, Im the one that responds using his phone. Shes all "thank you, your so helpful, I appreciate you making sure...etc" little does she know its me, the stepmomster she thinks is so nasty and disrespectful. Just goes to show she doesn't like someone matching her energy. 

Anywho, DH had to contact BM everyday for a week prior to Christmas to set up a visit with SD. She still didn't get it figured out until less than 24hrs before the visit. Also DH gave her a 3-4 hour time frame for the visit and she only stayed for about an hour and a half. Giving SD a hoodie that is too small for her (why not ask DH what size she is currently in), a pair of boots that are in poor condition, and also too small. She also rewrapped a coloring set that SD had gotten 2 years previous and gave it to her as a gift for Christmas.... after Christmas SD had BM up on a pedestol again. She got an hour and a half of her moms undivided attention and believes mom is all better now. Which is beyond frustrating for DH and I, but we believe that BM is doing a good job of proving what kind of mom she is to her kids on her own. SD doesn't need us to burst that bubble, BM will do it on her own. 

Then BM got herself arrested on December 29th, Im assuming for not showing up to court for her DUI, prohibited acts with a child (passing out drunk in her car with her toddler in the backseat) and open container charges from last march. She was released 5 days later but still goes to show a pattern of dysfunctional behavior. She has seen her oldest son 1 time since November and her youngest twice. shes still having visits canceled because she wont get back to the supervisor with a location for the visits. OH and BM is also living in her car with her POS pedo boyfriend. 

SDs birthday is a couple week after Christmas and BM asked the night before if she could see SD on her birthday. So DH agreed and what do you know, BM was over 30 minutes late showing up. She didn't actually show up where they agreed to meet at all, DH got tired of waiting and ended up going to where BM was. Dollar tree, last minute, desperate birthday shopping for SD. BM bought SD razors for her birthday... I had brought up to BM in May that SD had said she wanted to start shaving her legs. BM expressed that she had some concerns that SD was too young, and also that razors may be a bad idea. So I agreed to wait until Christmas or her birthday and that we would get her an electric razor so she wouldn't be as likely to cut herself. (SD has a blood aversion and I agreed that the possibility of her cutting herself in the shower and fainting was dangerous). She was so concerned about SD using razors and then went and bought her some to what? beat me to the punch? Whatever SD doesn't want to use razors anyway, she wants to start with an electric razor, so we got her one. Grandhag also sent SD a birthday card with a gift card in it in the mail. We never received it. So grandhag spent days underhandedly hinting to sD that DH and I must have taken it because there was no way it would take a week to get here in the mail. Well SD got sick of her hinting and decided to confess to her that when she lived with BM and grandhag would send her money or gift cards that BM would take it and spend it on gas and cigarettes. Even telling her a story about how her older brother got $300 for his birthday and gave BM $100 of it hoping he would be able to spend the rest on himself, but when he went to the store and tried to buy something BM told him to put it back and took the rest of his money too. All grandhag had to say was "where did this come from" and "well I used to give my mom my money to hold onto when I was little so Maybe thats what your mom did and she just has it all saved for you guys"... are you F**king kidding me? thats all you've got? dismiss your daughters inexcusable behavior and then make up a sugar coated explanation to keep SD wrapped up in the web of lies. 

court is in a little over two weeks away, and last week we had a late start for school due to snow. Well BM decided that was the perfect opportunity to show up at SD's bus stop. Its 2 blocks from our house but around a corner so I cant see her from our house. She told SD not to tell DH and I because "mommy will get into big big trouble". Well SD told her therapist that afternoon who told her that it was not okay for BM to do that, it was breaking the court order and that is illegal, he then encouraged her to tell DH and I. Which she did (super proud of her for this). I explained to SD that it is not her job to keep her mom out of trouble, part of being an adult is being responsible for our decisions, good and bad ones. So it is moms job to keep mom out of trouble, not hers. I called our attorney the next day, not knowing if we needed to file a police report or anything. He said no but only because he had talked to BMs attorney the night before and they were going to attempt to settle instead of going to trial. Our attorney said that part of his requirements for settling was that DH would keep full custody for now, BM would still need to have supervised visits until she can prove that shes sober and can stay sober. Part of how they want to do this is by making her use a device called sober link. If you have a BM or BD with alcohol issues, look it up!!!!! it is a breathalyzer devise that was developed specifically for family court cases. like the breathalyzer that get installed in vehicles after a dui, it has to be used on certain time frames(every hours, every 30 minutes etc) usually during parenting time. Instead of having a PO or case worker that get the notifications though DH and I will get them, along with our attorneys I believe. She will also have to complete the mental health and substance abuse evaluations (that she was ordered to do a year ago) and participate in the treatment recommendations from those evals. only after these things are done (and her finding an adequate place to live and a job of course) will she be able to petition the court for 50/50 custody. Our attorney said there is no way that she will get full custody again (unless DH goes off the deep end or something). I do want to be very clear that DH's goal is for 50/50 as long as BM can be a responsible, healthy and safe parent, he is not seeking to remove BM from SD's life, unless or until she is old enough to want that for herself. DH also wants to add to this settlement that BM be required to attend therapy sessions with SD at SD's therapists discretion. Im taking this as a win (if we can settle) because going to court will open up the floor for BM to make wild accusations and lies. Im not anxious about going to trial because of anything we have actually done, Im anxious because she is a compulsive and habitual liar, who knows what she will make up. Thats all Ive got for now, I will update more as we get closer to court. Im so ready for all this to be over!!!! Im so over living our lives according to BMs BS. 



JRI's picture

I really applaud you for handling all this!  Wow, your BM might take the cake as most unfit BM on Steptalk.  There's lots of competition but she would be in the top 10.

Again, very heart congratulations on the job you and DH are trying to do.  I'm glad your SD has you.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Im sure there are a lot worse then ours, but she definetely is a peice of work. its the inability to take any responsibility that does it for me honestly. Everyone makes mistakes, bad decisions whatever, but we have to own those. With her, its never her fault, it was always done to her by someone or a rule that just made it impossible, she did what she was supposed to and someone else lost the proof... gosh i could go on and on. She pretends like shes incompitant and then gets mad that no one takes her seriously or treats her like an adult. Thank you for your kind words though, its enchouraging <3

SeeYouNever's picture

Wow your husband must be a pretty amazing guy because I don't think I could ever forgive mine if he brought along somebody like your SD's BM.

She's just the gift that keeps on giving isn't she? Not only do you have to take care of her child for her but managing her and all the courts and therapy stuff that comes along with it is like another full-time job.

Hopefully the prospect of having 50/50 can be the carrot to get her life back on track but some people just care more about drugs alcohol or their new boyfriends than their own kids.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

My DH is pretty great lol but BM was a one night stand that didnt go according to plan (on his end at least) he was 19 and this was not one of his brightest moments, but I wouldnt trade SD for anything. Ill take BM's crazy if it means insuring that my DH gets to be in his daughters life and that SD has a healthy and responsible parent.

I doubt that the prospect of having 50/50 will do anything to motivate her. She could have gotten her act together this last year, instead she lost both her other kids, got arrested twice, ended up homeless on two seperate occations, guardianship of her oldest is about to be given to his grandparents (grandangel and grampangel) and her youngests dad is about to get custody of him back from CPS and she hasnt done a single thing she was supposed to in order to get any of them back.

Im finding that a lot of people dont realize how hard all this is unless they have lived it. I am a stay at home mom with a 4yr old, Im the homemaker, a self taught paralegal (I do everything I can for our attorney to get a discounted rate, plus I did our entire 1st court case with no attorney, including BMs half), plan and organize everything around BMs parenting time and then reaarange everything when she decides she actually wants to use it... Add therapy for SD, and dr and dentists (she hadnt been in almost 3 years before we got custody), plus trying to give SD all the things an 11 year old should get that she wasnt with her mom. like we are throwing her a birthday party, itll be the first birthday party she has ever had, her mom would only ever buy cupcakes from walmart and then steal her birthday money. I so so appreciate someone recognizing how much work this is. 

advice.only2's picture

I swear you and I must have the same BM, except mine loved her Meth, so I call her Meth Mouth.  At least where you are it sounds like your lawyer and the courts are taking this seriously.  Here in our town they were all about placing Spawn back with Meth Mouth ASAP!  DH had to fight in court every 3-6 months for 7 years to retain custody of Spawn.  Just for reference DH has had one speeding ticket his whole life.  Meth Mouth has been arrested countless times in different cities and states, always facing felony charges.  CPS even stated that Meth Mouth should not be around her children until she had completed a rehab program, was attending NA meetings and could prove she was clean and sober for at least 6 months after the rehab.  The Judge read the CPS report and said that supervised visitation would commence ASAP so the kids could get back with Meth Mouth with in a month.  That never happened of course, but the judge was always pushing to get Meth Mouth more time with her kids, despite her constant arrests and imprisonments.  After 7 years the most Meth Mouth ever got back was EOW and holiday visitation.  Good luck on this journey it’s not easy.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

I think we got really lucky with the judge we got this time, It also helps that BM started the first hearing with this judge by lying to him and trying to blame his clerks for why she didnt get her paperwork filed, saying she was sober but shes an adult and she can have a drink if she wants to, and trying to have her mother speak for her in court lol The first judge was all about chances, BM missed 5 hearings, in a row, over our petition to get a final decree because she wasnt filing anything which stalled the case for almost a year. 

I cant imagine having to do this every 3-6 months for 7 years, holy @&*%. Coodos to your DH for not giving up, the system makes it so hard to keep going. 

Thumper's picture


I realize dh may not be able to block bm UNTIL a Judge may agree/ There are other ways to communicate. Such as snail mail. YEP I said it.

. But you, YOU can Block BM and Grandhag plus anyone else from that side of the family. This includes bm and grandhag's friends too. They will tag team you to your head spins off.

In our situation bm would call upward of 12x a day. THEN if we were busy, bailout granny would call. THEN neighbors to BM would call. THEN bail out Granny's 'church family' would call. WTH,  WHO the heck are these people, . THEN bm's kid from another guy would call. ALL in the same day.  It was complete insanity.

 We had a very, very similar situation to 'advise.only2' above.

Stop saying "DH GOAL is 50 50'...why would you think that way. Gosh I hope dh is not saying that out loud. 

 When you have a bm who is an addict,  50 50 is BM's goal NOT your goal. 




advice.only2's picture


Yes the non-stop phone calls, back when we got custody we had a land line, Meth Mouth started calling at 230 in the afternoon and just kept calling over and over and over.  I had to take my phone off the hook and when we put it back, bam right back to calling.  We had to change our phone number three times and get a separate line for Spawn.  

I also totally agree with Thumper about the 50/50, at most BM should get EOW and holiday schedule.  If she were a man who had done this the courts would cut her off completely from her kids without a though.  Toxic people rarely change and it could take her years before she cleans up enough, then what she gets 50/50 and goes on a bender and bam back to square one.  Meth Mouth never got clean, she’s still out there using and getting arrested.  She’s been a junkie now for 16-20 years.

SeeYouNever's picture

Good lord BM had a whole battalion of flying monkeys.

The others are right about the 50/50. I doubt she will be able to clean up her act to get to that but do you really want her to? Could you imagine everything that you deal with repeating every weekend or every 2-3 days? If she has got supervised visits now 50/50 is miles away. I know it would be relief to not have your step kids there all the time but I don't know if daily contact with BM and conflicts over pickups and drop offs that frequently is really better.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Actually there would be no relief to not having SD here full time. It comes with a lot of anxiety on our part when she isn't home with us. I really think you guys are misunderstanding me, which maybe my fault for not explaining fully. BM will have to fulfill certain requirements, like staying sober and using a remote breathalyzer to prove that shes sober, get a job and keep it, get a house/apt and keep it, do an substance abuse eval and follow the recommendations from that, do a mental health eval and follow through with those recommendations also, while also only getting 1, 3 hour visit a week and not missing any. Once she does all of those things for 6 consecutive months we will move on to her having all day visits on Saturday and Sunday but no overnights, having to maintain the same requirements as before for a solid 6 months, then she can move on to overnights, after another 6 whole months of fulfilling the requirements we will go to 50/50. so at an absolute minimum we will retain full custody for at least a year and a half. and BM will control how long it actually takes. She will have to use the remote breathalyzer for a year, attend therapy and im sure substance abuse classes and AA meetings. We made SURE that we put enough safe guards in place to prevent the 50/50 from going into effect until BM has her shit together. We aren't anywhere even close to going 50/50 and DH and I wouldn't allow it to happen until we are convinced it is safe for SD. 

I also need yall to understand that as a women I have zero respect for BM, she has spread horrific rumors and lies about DH for more than a decade, accusations of things that don't just go away, even if she admitted they were lies. I have all the room in the world to hate this women. However I love my SD, and ultimately I want what is best for her, and so does DH. What is best for her is for her BM to get her act together and put in the work to be a better parent. We cannot control whether BM does that or not but we can provide her with the opportunity to. If BM doesn't meet all of the requirements to move on from the first schedule then that is on her, and we will keep full custody until SD is a legal adult. Addicts do recover, it does happen and it is possible. I am living proof of that myself. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree 50/50 should not be a goal. 

The goal is to keep the child safe and she isn't safe. 

I also agree with you stepping out of any conversations with BM or her mother. What they want doesn't matter. It isn't your job to communicate or have anything to do with them. 

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Okay, little background, DH didnt meet SD until she was 8. so up until then BM and her ex bf were the only parents SD knew. Sd is now 11, and is starting to realize that the way she was living wasnt normal and the relationships she had with BM and her ex bf were not healthy. However SD still loves her mom. Also statistically it is better for the child if the unhealthy parent gets their act together and puts in the work to become a stable, healthy parent so the child can have both parents. DH is providing BM with that opportunity because it is whats best for SD. What BM does with that opportunity is up to her, this option is not open ended, there is a point to which this window will close, but we arent there yet. DH has absolutely said this outloud, and its on court record as well, again because ultimately it would be best for SD for BM to get herself striaght and assume a healthy role in SD's life. So no, DH's and my END GOAL is still for 50/50 under the conditions that BM is a stable, sober, healthy and safe parent, right now that goal being reached is entirely up to BM. He wants to be able to tell SD when shes older that he did everything he could to give BM the chance to be a good mom. 

thinkthrice's picture

But I say the OVERTLY bad, neglectful, drug/booze addled BMs are not as bad as the snake in the grass, holier than thou, MOTY types who present themselves as wonderful to all yet are BUDDY to their kids and have a "no rules or consequences" house where double standards abound.

 And how DARE the biodad actually parent his own child(ren); after all, they are an EXTENSION of herself.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Ours tries to do that, but we have all the proof that thats not reality. I do have to admit that it is much easier when we have proof that she is unfit. Unfortunately mental/emotional abuse or neglect is next to impossible to prove, and ineffective parenting styles isnt "enough" in court. 

Rags's picture

Hold BM accountable, get SD some help, enforce the rules.

Keep up the great work!!!