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It was not the day, and I was not the 1 the 2 or the 3.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

So SD 10, has a cell phone. Her Grandhag on BMs side bought it for her in a panic when DH got temp full custody, and continues to be responsible for the bill. DH had told both BM and grandhag that he thought SD was too young for  cell phone and so he would not be taking responsibility for it. It is supposed to be SD's responsibility to text grandhag and let her know when the bill needs to be paid (its just a prepaid). She gets a text every month telling her when its due. Well because DH isn't taking responsibility for the phone and SD is 10 her phone usually gets suspended for non payment for a day or two before SD tells grandhag her phone needs paid. 

Well SD noticed her phone was off on Friday, didn't tell me and DH until Saturday and we told her that we weren't going to text grandhag until after the weekend about it because it was her responsibility. She could still play games and listen to music while were home and shes connected to wifi. SD could still receive phone calls and text messages, she just couldn't make or send them. So yesterday I text grandhag to let her know that SD's phone was off. She responds with "is it because the bill needs to be paid or because you suspended it".... I don't have access to her account, we don't even know what service provider she uses, so how exactly would I have suspended her phone? Also, when is the last time you paid it? was it more then 30 days ago? then it probably needs paid again don't you think?.. Instead of saying any of these things, i simply told her that yes, it needs paid. 

Grandhag then adds me, DH and BM to a group conversation to inform BM that Sd's phone is off. BMs phone is also suspended.... Shocker. so I informed grandhag that BMs phone is also in active last I knew. 

DH calls me later in the day (hes ya know at work, cuz he actually has a job) and asked why BM is texting him demanding to know why SD's phone is off, that her and her hag of a mother have been desperately trying to get ahold of SD for days... Except SD hadn't received a single text message or missed a phone call from BM since Halloween. I told DH that I wasn't sure but that grandhag knew what was going on and was taking care of it so it is what it is. Mind you this is a reoccurring situation with this phone, not the first time its gotten suspended for non payment. DH usually doesn't respond to BM while he is working, so after an hour or so, BM messages me on Facebook, again demanding to know why SD's phone is off and that her and her mother have been trying to get ahold of SD and haven't been able to. (but y'all never thought to call DH or I's phone?)

Well as the tittle reads, It was not the day and I was not the one. I respond to BM that "Her phone was off because your mom didn't pay the bill. You really haven't tried that hard to get a hold of her BM cuz she can still receive text messages, and hadn't gotten any from you or your mom. DH and I didn't hear anything until after I informed your mom her phone was off, so get outta here with that bullshit. Also if you tried getting a hold of her today and she didn't answer it's cuz she's in school like she's supposed to be. This is information your mom already had so you texting DH and then me when he didn't answer you fast enough is unnecessary. Thanks, have the day you deserve."

Not even 5 minutes later I get a screen shot of this conversation sent to me by BM's mother, asking why I have to be so rude and that there are things that I just don't know but that she doesn't wish to discuss what I think I know and what I don't know... Grandhag loves to send long messages and that at the end tell me to not bother responding unless it has to do with... whatever she thinks we should be catering to BM over. So I sent her "Listen lady you don't get to send messages to my phone and then tell me when I do and do not get to respond. Every single message I have received from you is snarky, condescending and passive aggressive. Please stop contacting me from here out." 

While at the same time Im still going rounds with BM. she responded to my last text with "I have tried to get ahold of her AllIsFair and she has yet to ever respond to texts or calls my phone is off at the moment but I am also able to get calls and she is able to use one of your guys phones to call and I will answer I have sent messages using wifi to inform her and always have time for her to talk and to see her on the times I have been allowed. I have Sundays just about figured out with my aunt as supervisor and working on Sat with the boys supervisor. Thanks for letting me know"

Me: "Well SD's phone says otherwise. Did you ever consider that she doesn't want to talk to you? That DH and I tell her that she should respond and she chooses not to because you've let her down every chance she's given you. You showed up to a visit for ten minutes, and lectured her about her hair. Which she earned btw. So no she doesn't believe that you always have time for her because you proven to her that's not true. You haven't even tried to use your time the last two weekends. Congratulations 8 months later and you ALMOST have a supervisor figured out *clapping emoji*"

TO WHICH SHE SCREENSHOTTED IT AND SENT IT TO DH TELLING HIM TO MAKE ME STOP!! because I "have no right to talk to me like that and continue to stick my nose in"... Girl, you literally contacted me first.... 

BM's next message to me "I wanted to stay for longer and gave her the choice and asked her if she wanted me to or if she would rather go back to playing football with the plans she had. I have had BD completely turn down every person I have given as an option because they have to be supervised and haven't had anyone or response from you guys to do so. I haven't been lecturing her about her hair or anything like that to that level. She still should respond to me and talk to me about those things and yes she does always have my time like she always has had because she is my daughter and I her mother. I haven't proven to her any of that when ever part of our time has been dwendelled and taken from us." (lets not talk about how trying to decipher her texts make my brain hurt).

My final response (that she didn't even read) "She told you she wanted you to stay but that she wanted to keep playing football too, at which point you should have stayed and engaged in something your child was interested in. Instead you chose to leave. 2 people BM, he has denied 2 people. One has a history of domestic violence with you and the other one has no previous relationships with SD, and is your significant other which automatically makes him an inappropriate supervisor. Nice try though. You've made her feel like shit every time she has earned her hair being colored. Or did you not think we heard you tell her that it doesn't matter if she doesn't live with you right now she still has to follow your rules and you told her no. You have shown her that you don't have the time for her, and she doesn't feel safe telling you those things because you make her feel bad for being upset with you. Maybe try to get in some therapy sessions for the both of you together, like you claimed you were trying to do in January. Your relationship with your daughter needs work

You can stop trying to have my husband handle me. You contacted me first demanding answers and lying. Freedom of speech sweety, if you don't like the way I talk to you then stop contacting me. *kissy face emoji*"

First of all i want to say that I was absolutely rude. After 10 months of being perfectly nice I hit my limit. Everything I said was circled around SD and BM's relationship not being healthy, call it constructive criticism. BM then started blowing up SD's phone with text messages... SD put her phone on Do No Disturb.

Out of the at least 6 times that SD's phone has been suspended, it has never gone this far. Im sure that they were just trying to catch us in something they thought we did wrong (court order doesn't say anything about SD's phone or that it needs to be active, or anything). If only she would put that much effort into actually seeing her daughter, talking to her, repairing their relationship, literally anything. 

Well after all of this, SD came to Dh and told him that she had been keeping something from us, and it was making her feel bad in her heart and told him that over Halloween weekend (the one that BM and grandhag decided to hijak) that grandhag spent the whole time talking bad and saying mean things about DH and I and that she told SD That she had to promise not to tell us and to keep it a secret... you know the grandhag who has sent me countless messages about all of her CPS training, and how were being detrimental to SD's mental and emotional wellbeing because we aren't forcing her to talk to her BM or bending over backwards to make exceptions for BM needing a supervisor. That same person on her high ass horse is alienating SD. We may say things about BM that we probably shouldn't sometimes, were human we make mistakes, but we have never told her to lie or hide anything from anyone. 

Idk what Im looking for here, maybe advice, maybe I just needed to vent, Im not sure. 


notarelative's picture

I would not have contacted Grandma at all. If SD mentioned that her phone was out of minutes, I'd suggest she ask to use her dad's phone to let her know. 

If I contacted, I think my first (and only) response to her would have been that only the person who bought the phone can suspend the service. You bought the phone. Only you can suspend service. In the future, if you want SD to be able to reach you with this phone, you may want to note how many days of service you are purchasing so that you will know when to buy more. 

Could it be that Grandma and BM somehow expected that when the phone ran out, DH would fund it? 

justmakingthebest's picture

Ohhh... That phone would be in the mail to GBM so fast her head would spin. I would even go as far to get SD another phone, but block GBM and BM on it and make them call your DH to speak to SD... but I'm hateful at this point, so don't listen to me! LOL

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Lmao DH and I have considered it multiple times. But we can't afford a phone for SD right now and don't want to punish her for stupid adults. 

It is nice to think about sometimes though lol

Shieldmaiden's picture

I think its about time BM and Grandhag got told to F*** off and lose your number. Its not your problem that they are emotionally 10 years old - collectively. I wouldn't waste any more of your energy on them. I don't think you need to feel bad for being rude. They obviously deserved it. 

Perhaps that phone gets chucked out the car window at 65 mph and gets "lost?"  Its not uncommon for kids to lose their phones. Hmmmm..... 

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

Ive told Grandhag not to contact me any longer, and BM will avoid talking to me now. 

I only feel bad for being rude because I let them get under my skin, when they arent worth it. One of those I know Im better than this, they just push me so far passed any type of reason. 

AgedOut's picture

all you can do from this point is move forward. everyone loses their temper once in a while and you reached your point. take a few breaths and move forward. block both women from your phone and don't keep reminding your SD to contact them. you are no longer a team w/ them, time to ignore them about this issue.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

That wasnt even losing my temper lol that was me just annoyed with the drama. I feel a smidge bad just because I let them get under my skin when I shouldnt have. I am going to be ignoring both them and the phone issue though. 

grannyd's picture

Yikes, Allsfair,

Your posts make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up! So, after years of behaving in the reasonable fashion that appears to be second nature to you, yon limit was finally reached. Hon, I’ve been there and done that.

After five years of politeness to DH’s ex who was unfailingly rude to me in person, on the phone, whenever and wherever, always demanding to speak to her son/daughter, I’d simply had enough (admittedly, PMS was a factor, heh heh). I shouted, “They’re not here!” and banged down the phone with such force that a few Bakelite chips flew across the room. How I yearned for a few of them to travel through space and puncture her nasty eardrum!

Even the most tolerant of us, my dear, have a breaking point…. You needed that little show of disgust! The woman is ridiculous.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

I really did need that didnt I.. More than I think I knew. They needed it too, to be reminded that I am a person and at some point, when Ive been manipulated, lied to, lied about, and expected to cater to BM that a not so nice person comes out the other side of all that bullshit. 

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

I really did need that didnt I.. More than I think I knew. They needed it too, to be reminded that I am a person and at some point, when Ive been manipulated, lied to, lied about, and expected to cater to BM that a not so nice person comes out the other side of all that bullshit. 

thinkthrice's picture

It's time to block them permanently!  They are just wasting your time and causing your blood pressure to rise.   Let them deal directly with DH.  Not your monkey, not your circus. 

CajunMom's picture

As someone said, I would not have contacted Grandhag (that made me laugh out loud-Grandhag...LOL). The phone is a deal between SD and Grandhag. Let SD call/text GH when her phone is out. Second, block Grandhag and BM. Let your DH handle that mess. Advise your SD the phone is HER phone, HER problem. From here out, you deal with your mom and GH. Search "disengagement" in the group. You will find that to be your best friend in StepHell.

AllIsFairInLoveAndWar's picture

I did not come up with Granhag on my own, I actually saw it on here, but I dont remember whos blog I saw it on lol definetely adds a little character. I did have a conversation with SD letting her know I would not be contacting grandhag about her phone any longer because I will not be disrespected when Im just trying to help THEM. 

Harry's picture

Let SD handle GH and BM abd the rest of BM family.   SD wants phone service she should call text jump up and down to get her phone activated.   You stay out of it. You don't need the BS and going around in circles.   Think about it. SD is ten.  Thee is going to be much more of this.   And somehow you are the bad person